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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's wrong having to explain my sex life to my parents?

152 replies

ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 22:47

Loooooong story short, me (34) and my sister (39, a crank!) basically fell out a long time ago (my parents also had to wash their hands of her) and over the past 6 months or so, she has decided to divulge my 'secrets' which I confided in her with over the years, to my parents, but in relation to guys I've dated, or affairs / flings I've had. My parents told me they "didn't think I was like that" - obviously thought I'd never had sex and my children were conceived by immaculate conception Hmm. Anyhow, a recent 'fling' I've had (I've been single now for 8 months) she has found out about and yet again, decided to divulge this to my mum. Now, I'm getting the sh!tty texts from my mum, telling me I'm wrong for having sex with a guy etc, and I'm sat here like a quivering wreck in case my dad finds out - he would disown me! I'm 34, AIBU to think my sex life has nothing to do with my parents and is my business??

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 16/04/2017 23:11

As cringey as talking to your parents about this stuff is, you're giving them a green light to continue thinking they have any right to criticise your choices by being embarrassed and going along with conversations about it. Push the cringe factor away and focus on how inappropriate the drama around and interest in your sexual habits is. Your sister has the excuse of BPD for weird behaviour, your parents are just fucking weird. Step out and stay out of the child role when talking to them. They have no power unless you allow them it in this situation.

skincarejunkie · 16/04/2017 23:11

I'm so glad I'm an only child!

happy2bhomely · 16/04/2017 23:11

Your mum should put a stop to this by telling your sister that she doesn't want to hear it. Your mum should not be telling you what your sister is saying about you. It is just stirring the pot!

You need to tell your mum that you don't want to hear what your sister has to say. Then tell her that she is making you uncomfortable. Turn it around and tell her that her behaviour is really inappropriate and you don't like it.

Your mum and sister sound as bad as each other.

DixieFlatline · 16/04/2017 23:13

But I'm dreading the 'slag' texts from my dad (yup, he's got a way with words my father!)

I don't think you realise just how abnormal this is. Starve it of air.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 16/04/2017 23:13

Your parents sound every bit as damaged and unhealthy as your sister. Your sexual life is private. They sound insanely judgemental and overly invested.

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 23:13

Flyinggeese you're absolutely right, I wouldn't expect to know (or care) about my parents' sex life! Would I be rude in just telling them straight I'm not prepared to discuss such personal matters with them? HmmBlushConfusedBlushShock

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 16/04/2017 23:14

I like cauliflowers response. That will shut them up.

Better still laugh, deny and say , she's run out of stuff on me so now she's having to make it up. Tinkly laugh.

Imaginosity · 16/04/2017 23:15

If my family were interfering to this extent I would put some distance between me and them. I would make it clear there are boundaries they cannot cross. I would step back from dealing with them for a while and explain why. You sound far too much like you are in each others pockets. Separate yourself a bit.

My mum can be quite interfering (not as bad as your family through). When my mum gets bad I block her number on my phone for a few days so I don't get stressed seeing her messages. She knows she can't annoy me. After a few days I unblock the phone and by then she has normally learned her lesson, for a while anyway, about boundaries.

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 23:15

Dixieflatline your comment is exactly what I needed to hear - I think, no, I KNOW, I need to just stand my ground with them and tell them straight it's none of their business Angry

OP posts:
HecateAntaia · 16/04/2017 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShamefulDodger · 16/04/2017 23:16

Your 34 and your Dad would disown you for having sex?

The words 'Fuck right off' are your friend op. Use them. Liberally.

Are you certain it's just your sister that is the toxic one? Your parents don't sound exactly fabulous/normal.

Is there some sort of cultural issue complicating things?

ShamefulDodger · 16/04/2017 23:17

Bloody phone. I know how to correctly use 'you're'. Promise Grin

Flyinggeese · 16/04/2017 23:18

OP no not rude, it's your right to keep that stuff private. It's really OK to say that. It doesn't have to be confrontational if you prefer, just factual, almost a bit quizzical. But mean it and close the conversation down quickly each time like this.

That would be my advice. Sorry you're dealing with this!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/04/2017 23:19

I like Hecates

'tbh the best thing you can do is reply

mum. i am 34 years old. what goes into my vagina has got absolutely nothing to do with you and its a bit creepy that you think it does.

but i do believe that sometimes giving people a huge shock can really help 😁

cdtaylornats · 16/04/2017 23:19

Just tell your parents your sister is just a frustrated lesbian.

Flyinggeese · 16/04/2017 23:19

Agree Cauliflower's is spot on.

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 23:19

I think you guys are completely right, in fact I know... It's me, not being strong enough, worrying they will disown me (and therefore risk not seeing their grandkids), but maybe it IS me who needs to distance myself from THEM if they're willing to keep listening to my sister AngryAngryBlush

OP posts:
FireSquirrel · 16/04/2017 23:20

The lot of them sound foul frankly. Your sister sneaks around finding out all about your private life and tells your parents who then insult and verbally abuse you? Your own dad calls you a slag?! It's emotional abuse. Are there cultural/religious reasons they feel so strongly (not that that would make it ok but might make the extremity of their position more easy to understand)? Either way, that behaviour is completely unacceptable, from all of them. Please don't allow then to speak to/about you like that, just because they're family doesn't mean they have free rein to abuse and degrade you.

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 23:37

No culturul, or other such issues, no Sad As pathetic as it sounds, I guess I just feel weak around them (always have with my dad tbh). They know I've had affairs in the past (now thanks to the sister) so I guess I'm scared of their judgement, ironic thing is, we're not even that close! Sad She's made my life complete hell over the past 8 months and continues to do so BlushSadEnvyAngry I really shouldn't have to be dealing with all this

OP posts:
Batghee · 16/04/2017 23:37

Stand your ground and rise above this absolute nonesense. Its not only your sister who is behaving like a child but also your parents!
If they question you on anything your sister says just calmly tell them that it is none of their business and do not interact further with them about it in any way. Ignore any threats. Its controlling and manipulative and if my father ever accused me of being a slut he would never hear from me again. You do not need anyone who calls you a slut in your life.

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 23:38

Thank you all guys for your replies and advice, I know I now just need to stand firm with my parents and be strong - not feel, or to be made to feel, like a weak child Sad

OP posts:
Kelsoooo · 16/04/2017 23:40

I had loads of sympathy for you until you described your sister as "a borderline" pray tell, what exactly a borderline is?

Other than that...Your family sound perfectly vile. You should check out stately homes thread if you feel this is in anyway acceptable.

You could shag a different man every night and it still wouldn't be their business. Own what you do and don't be ashamed of it.

Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 23:46

Kelsoooo I meant Borderline Personality Disorder, sorry. But I've always 'let her off' with using that excuse for everything over the years; doesn't give her free reign to try and humiliate me, surely? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ScouseBird8364 · 16/04/2017 23:47

Kelsooo, sorry, what is the stately homes thread? x

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 16/04/2017 23:47

So your mum had an attack of the vapours at the thought of a grown woman having sex your dad calls you a slagfor having sex stop telling your sister who you are shagging problem solved nobody needs to know who you shag.