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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 12:56

Yes dh is! It was either that or the dcs stay another night which I was not having any of. I think some previous posters saw that coming earlier

OP posts:
Astro55 · 17/04/2017 13:04

How's he feeling now he has to do the journey again?

Serves him right for not saying something

But I did see that coming as well!

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 13:11

He won't talk to me. He knows I'm upset and he probably feels he's being pulled in both directions. I was so upset last night I slept in the spare room. I heard him on the phone last night to mil saying 'yes we had a great time thank you'. Pah!

OP posts:
Astro55 · 17/04/2017 13:58

But doesn't he see that none of it was worth the hassle and effort -

He's upset you and noe has to do another round trip to fetch them back - I'm so glad you didn't go with him!

If he'd have taken you side and stood up to her - said no the kids are coming home with us - he wouldn't be wasting his day doing the trip - no doubt with the added cost of petrol to boot!!

Hope you are having a relaxing day!

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 14:01

Well it's certainly quiet here today!
Even if he does see how ridiculous this all is and how he should stand up to her, he would not admit it. I think she has too much of a hold on him. It's like he has to protect her and keep her happy no matter what.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 17/04/2017 14:02

'Well he either keeps you happy or his mother - and he lives with you!!

I would be reducing stays in future

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 14:04

Yes, I know what I'd choose!

I will be reducing stays. I hardly ever go but thought I should as it was Easter. What a mistake that was.

OP posts:
Crapuccino · 17/04/2017 14:05

Get your babies home, regroup, and get over the mental bruises of this incident.

Then like others have said, lay down some ground rules with your DH. Have those stock phrases someone suggested, have your solutions to each problem as it arises, and look back into more counselling.

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 14:11

Good advice.

OP posts:
VictoriaPollardMD · 17/04/2017 14:40

I will be reducing stays

What, and give MIL free rein to work on DC/DH behind your back?

I wouldn't.

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 14:42

What can I do though? Go and be on guard in case she says anything again?

OP posts:
VictoriaPollardMD · 17/04/2017 14:42

Damn right, OP.

gameofchance · 17/04/2017 15:01

You have my absolute sympathy. I have MIL / DH issues too. DH rarely stands up to her (15 years in to our relationship) and freely admits he finds it easier to capitulate to her requests as 'she is my mother'. The more years have gone by the less tolerant I am of MIL behaviour. Can now barely bear to spend any time with her - but have to because who knows what DH would agree to in my absence

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 15:14

So we have to be there then. To be seen as the trouble makers or the difficult ones. The only thing that helps is knowing that we are standing up for what's right even if we are alone in doing that.
If the son can't stand up to his own mother, the wife is left feeling unsupported, second best. It's time these men grew up.

OP posts:
Batgirlspants · 17/04/2017 15:48

Ok just think you need to calm things down here for the children's sake.

Do you want her to have a relationship with your dcs irrespective of your relationship with her. Some grandparents are great with the kids but awful with their dil/sil.

Do you really want his mother so big in your life that it impacts on your marriage?

She sounds silly and stupid could you not just see her that way rather than elevating her to a higher influence than she really has.

And op however this seems now your kids will soon be teenagers and this problem will be over. Take heart Wink

YNK · 17/04/2017 16:12

She wasn't great with the children though was she?
She was coercing them into a situation of meeting her needs at the expense of their own, despite their mother saying to leave it to them to choose.
The woman obviously sees this as an opportunity to sweep the children's boundaries aside for her own selfish ends!
She wouldn't be babysitting for me again and I would make sure any contact was better supervised in future to make sure she never does this to them again!
Narcissistic old bat!

YNK · 17/04/2017 16:17

You only have to look at how her influence has affected her own son, and continues to be a problem for him in relating to his own wife, to see why her contact with the grandchildren needs to be supervised!

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 16:19

Thank you YNK! Narcissistic is the best word to describe.
The dcs have now told me they didn't like it without us there and they cried all night but didn't let on to mil they were upset. If dh and mil still don't listen they obviously care more about mil than anyone else.
They'll probably tell me I'm making it up to try and get 'my way' as making out that I'm crazy or lying is their favourite tactic.

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/04/2017 16:54

Just to reassure you about following your instincts with this and that you aren't being overprotective, it's not normal for children to need persuasion to stay over with grandparents and then 'they'll love it' -my sister and I were totally thrilled and excited to be going to stay at our grans for a week or two 200 miles away from home when our baby sister was born. We were a similar age. Hope you manage to get this resolved in future.

Hissy · 17/04/2017 17:07

You poor thing!

This is a line you can draw now, right now. No more will you allow yourself to be bullied.

YOU ARE THE MATRIARCH OF YOUR FAMILY.

I would suggest that you let the dust settle and at some point bring up to mil that you didn't like how she whispered to them, manipulated them and bundled you, their mother, out of the house. From now on YOU will have the last word on what happens to your dc and she will have to lump it.

You're allowing someone she manipulated into being a complete doormat into being a barrier between her and you/your dc. Your do is as much use as a chocolate fire guard. YOU are the one to stand up and protect yourself and your family. Your h needs to look hard at himself to see what position he's been shunted into.

Hissy · 17/04/2017 17:11

Oh love, your last post nails it, your kids don't want to be there without you, so that's a done deal. And if asked again, just be honest, "no mil/dh, they aren't ready, they don't want to be there without us and no amount of whispering, cajoling, bribery or anything will change this"

You're not crazy, or over protective. This isn't your fault. She's a bully, and he's terrified of her. That will be your kids too if they are exposed to this stuff too often.

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 17:15

I'm going to remember that - I AM the matriarch of my family. Time I stood up to her whether dh likes it or not.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/04/2017 17:16

Surely the distance between you makes it easy! Just say, sorry everyone, it is too much driving for us. We've got lots we need to be doing at home, we can't be spending all that time in the car on two days running.

Make it light and bright and breezy.

Hissy · 17/04/2017 17:16

Exactly, how else does one become the matriarch... You got this!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/04/2017 17:18

Oh sorry, ignore me - I seem to have missed a page or two somehow!