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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2017 03:37

"at least she wants to spend time with them and how much of an effort mil makes whereas my parents don't."

What your parents do or don't do is entirely irrelevant. You might be low contact, they might be awful, I don't know - but it's beside the point in this situation, where it shouldn't BE about what his mother wants, but what your DC want!

If it turns out his mother is a narcissistic bullying manipulator (and she has some signs) then it's NOT a good thing that she wants to spend time with your DC without you. You have no idea what she'll be saying to your DC! You have no idea what she'll be doing with them - they might be being bullied to do stuff the whole time they're there!

I do get sick of the whole "well at least it's better than X" response because that's refusing to address the situation in hand at all.

(Might be being triggered by DH saying similar when I point out some particularly shit behaviour/thing he's guilty of - "well at least I'm not a wife-beater/drunk/out all the time" - yeah, as if that lets him off the rest! No. Not relevant. And setting the bar extremely low for appropriate behaviour.)

Out2pasture · 17/04/2017 03:47

nrtft sorry. but do children ever want to leave their parents side? especially if they don't see the grandparents often?
they certainly don't as babies, probably not as toddlers, certainly not as teens.

so when are kids suppose to bond and enjoy grandparent time?
grandparents are frowned upon if they give treats (chocolate) frowned upon if they want to take the kids to the fair. taking them to the mall is again evil as they pay for clothing.
very sad

Realitea · 17/04/2017 04:01

I'm going to stand up for my dcs now and as I know they're only happy when we are there with them, that's going to be the rule.
Fantastic advice on here by the way, I'd be lost without it all

OP posts:
Clandestino · 17/04/2017 04:14

I"m reading this and all I can see is adults making children hostages to your power struggle. On both sides. Do you seriously think children are blind and oblivious to what's happening? They are really sensitive to the undercurrents.
By asking them so many times they must have picked up on the fact that you're not comfortable with their decision. Have a word with your MIL but don't make your resentment obvious as you did by questioning their decision.
You talk about how you don't like children being manipulated but you made their decision a part of the war of the egos and manipulated them as much as your MIL did.
I was the pawn. I picked up really perfectly on the bad blood between my Mum and my father's family. I felt and heard the resentment. As a result, I am bringing up our child thousand of mikes away from any family and I have no intention to alter his arrangement. May sound dramatic but power struggles are really harmful to children as they're the ones who shouldn't be leftvto pick sides.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 17/04/2017 07:11

What did she bribe them with? Why didn't they want to stay? If they were worried about what they'd be given for dinner and she promised pizza for instance then I don't think it's bad. If they didn't want to stay because they don't want to be away from you or don't like it there for whatever reason then yes of course they should come back with you and she should be told that you heard her and won't put up with the manipulation.

MrsLion · 17/04/2017 07:26

I missed the bit about this being a long standing problem which you've already had counselling for. Sad

tigermoll · 17/04/2017 08:34

That rule sounds great OP and I hope your DH can grow a backbone and present a united front with you :)

This has reminded me that my Dbro and I used to get sent to our GPs for a week when we were kids, at my GM's insistence. We hated it and after the second time, plucked up the courage to say to our mum that we didn't want to go back there without them (courage was needed because my dad's mother could be very manipulative and controlling, and hated my mother, and as kids we were very aware of the undercurrents and tensions swirling around the house).

Rather uncharacteristically, my mother took what we said on board and we never had to go back there again. It was one of the few times she really had our backs and I was so, so grateful and relieved. A few years ago (so thirty years after all this happened) my grandmother mentioned bitterly how much my brother and I "used to love" coming to stay with her but then my mother "put a stop to it".

Initially I felt guilty (which is my grandmother's special superpower) because I thought "If only my brother and I had just put up with it and not complained. Clearly it really upset my GM or she wouldn't be bringing it up. And my poor mum, having to be hated all these years later just because we complained."

But then I remembered that a) my GM wasn't going to like my DM whatever she did. Us coming to stay a few times is a drop in a bucket for all the other stuff, b) my GM has a memory for imagined slights and power games that would impress Derren Brown, and c) it made us feel that we could confide in our mum and she would help us if she could, which was pretty priceless. I think my mum would say the same. Actually, she'd say "I am so past caring what your GM thinks of me" Grin

Sorry, bit of an epic post....

DrasticAction · 17/04/2017 09:25

Tiger its sad that after 30 years your grandma still can't think she may have been done something here. For myself I wonder how much longer we carry on with this woman. Do we explain all this too the dc, how far do you involve them?

Realitea · 17/04/2017 09:43

DrasticAction It's a really tough one isn't it.. I don't know how much you should involve them but I've realised children pick up on a lot more than you think

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 17/04/2017 09:59

You have failed to acted twice now - the first time when you overheard your MIL and the second time when they kids were upset about staying and you allowed your DH and MIL to pressure you into leaving.

You need to get your big girl pants on and put the DC first - stop regretting after the event that you didn't do something.

BigGrannyPants · 17/04/2017 10:20

That's not a particularly helpful or kind post, these events are past and OP can do nothing about that. If you've RTFT, you will know that OP knows what she will do the next time, so your post was just rude.

Timeforteaplease · 17/04/2017 10:27

Sorry if it came across unkind - it was not intended to be.
OPs first few posts were all about how she regretted not acting when she heard MIL speaking to the kids. Her next posts were about how she hadn't acted again when they were leaving due to DH shouting at her.
At some point OP has to decide to do something at the moment she and her children are being treated badly. Nobody is sticking up for the DC here.

Realitea · 17/04/2017 10:31

It's true I did fail twice. It's hard when you have so many over bearing people pressuring you and you've never stood up for yourself before. Im taking small steps the first being refusing to let this happen again. I feel it'll be easier to tell them from a distance now that I'm home. I'm sure dh won't agree so I don't know what will erupt once they learn of my decision!

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 17/04/2017 11:00

Both times you chose to let your DC stay in an uncomfortable situation rather than intervene and put yourself in that uncomfortable situation instead.
You need to find your inner tiger-mom and be more protective. As an adult you are better placed to deal with MIL than your children.

SapphireStrange · 17/04/2017 11:10

You need to find your inner tiger-mom and be more protective. As an adult you are better placed to deal with MIL than your children.

I hate the phrase tiger mom but basically I agree with this. Children that young shouldn't be made to make decisions like this, so if your DH won't man up and stand up for you and his children, it's down to you.

derxa · 17/04/2017 11:21

I'm going to stand up for my dcs now and as I know they're only happy when we are there with them How do they manage at school?

chocolateisnecessary · 17/04/2017 11:42

Yes you need to stand up for yourself/them. Learn from this one I guess. Certainly never give the kids a choice like that.
TBH, I have an overbearing MIL and I hate confrontation.
Contact is minimised as much as poss to avoid it whilst still being polite.
Sometimes the grief and stress just isn't worth it.

KC225 · 17/04/2017 11:48

Why didn't you step in as soon as you heard her ask, why did you let her continue to wear them down and bribe them. You should have interrupted and said 'We agreed to ask them later' and usher them away.

Realitea · 17/04/2017 11:52

I wish I had, KC225. I was kind of frozen in shock and I tend to bottle everything up and get upset after. Not productive at all. I need to toughen up. The dcs are now being picked up and I've said that no way should they have to make decisions anymore as it's very unfair.

OP posts:
Realitea · 17/04/2017 11:53

Derxa, they're fine at school it's quite different to staying overnight hundreds of miles away.

OP posts:
Batgirlspants · 17/04/2017 11:55

I am conflicted here because I think this situation is more about the power struggle and the back story of the adults than the happiness of the children here.

All you adults are behaving badly here. Bullying manipulating and not putting the children's needs first.

All the adults here need to stop pissing higher than each other and put the kids first.

derxa · 17/04/2017 12:09

I am conflicted here because I think this situation is more about the power struggle and the back story of the adults than the happiness of the children here. I would agree. The children are going to feel guilty whatever they decided.

Realitea · 17/04/2017 12:21

That's why having the choice is so wrong and I've now told dh that it won't happen again whether he likes it or not (and whether mil likes it or not)
Mil decided before even giving dcs an option that she would have her own way.
There's always been a power struggle between us. Mil's family are extremely tight knit whereas mine is more relaxed. It feels suffocating as I'm not used to it and I don't like being told what to do. I'm seen as the bad guy, because I've stood up to her behaviour before and questioned her 'wants' (she wanted one child to stay at her house 3 weeks after giving birth and wouldn't let me near them) I think she feels there's only room for one woman in charge and that's her.
She must feel threatened by me.

OP posts:
YNK · 17/04/2017 12:37

I wish people would RTFT

The OP knows where she went wrong and how she's going to deal with it now her eyes are open to it.

Why are people still stuck at the beginning of the story?
Is it because people relish the opportunity to berate a poster?
Is offering support and encouragement really too much to ask?

It's been a harsh lesson but people are still rubbing the OP's nose in it. Why is this?

Astro55 · 17/04/2017 12:51

Who's picking them up? I joe you aren't having todo the journey again!