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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
Catrina1234 · 17/04/2017 17:31

Ah a MIL thread and all the usual suspects are here.

Adults don't have rights over their children - they have responsibilities but children have rights to build meaning relationships with members of their extended family - this is recognised in law - under the terms of the Children Act 1989, grandparents (and other close relatives) have a right to apply to the Family court for a Contact order and if awarded, the Judge will make a decision on the length and duration of the contact.

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 17:31

That's ok bibbity Grin

OP posts:
Astro55 · 17/04/2017 17:33

Children also have the right to say NO!

Grandparents also have a responsibility to respect the child's wishes and the parents wishes

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 17:34

But Catrina, I DO allow the dc's to have contact but it's never enough. Mil always wants more. Visiting with us there is now not good enough, it has to be on her terms, i.e. Without us there. Why is that?
And why can she not visit us if it's matter of not seeing them enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 17:35

Exactly right, Astro55

OP posts:
Astro55 · 17/04/2017 17:37

Catrina has just been on another tread - about MIL stroking and staring at GD in a creepy way - suggesting that she does the same and it's all normal - if just ignore she's a bit tense

YNK · 17/04/2017 17:40

Grandparents have no automatic rights to contact in law!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/04/2017 17:42

Visiting with us there is now not good enough, it has to be on her terms, i.e. Without us there. Why is that?
I totally agree, I would not be having that attitude. Either she wants to see them or she doesn't and there is no reasonable reason you shouldn't be there too. Very controlling behaviour.

Hissy · 17/04/2017 17:43

If I recall correctly, Catrina is a well known mil campaigner, probably a blow in from Gransnet! One of those hideous threaddwellers where the NC gp sit and spout total narcissistic crap about how perfect they are and how unfair their dc are to cut them off.

Note: very, very VERY few people cut their parents off without EXTREMELY good reason. Our job is to protect ourselves and our children first and foremost. Someone sidelining the kids and pressuring them isn't acting in the best interests of the family.

Hissy · 17/04/2017 17:45

If she wants to see them love, she comes to you. She does so on your terms, on your territory, on your terms

Hissy · 17/04/2017 17:45

Sorry, iPad went mad! ☺️

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2017 17:46

Just ignore- she's shit stirring on another thread too Realitea Thanks

Carriecakes80 · 17/04/2017 17:50

I can see why this has annoyed, but seriously, I wish to Goodness I had had Grandparents that wanted me so much they would bribe me for extra time with me. No, its not the right way to get round it, however, if you live quite far away, is it a big deal??
My own grandparents ignored me and my brother completely and would arrange holidays for all our cousins, but because they didn;t like my Mum, we missed out completely on having any kind of relationship with a Nan and Grandad...Have a word with your MIL, tell her you're not keen on her pushing your kids into doing anything, which is perfectly reasonable, however, don't turn this into a war, that'll do way more damage to the kids than them spending some bribed time with granny!

Chloe84 · 17/04/2017 17:56

Out2Pasture

nrtft sorry. but do children ever want to leave their parents side? especially if they don't see the grandparents often?

It's cruel to make DC stay somewhere they are not comfortable. I was scared of my mum's mum and would hide my face in mum's lap during visits to her house. I would have screamed blue murder if made to stay overnight. Everyone needs to work to gain a child's trust and affection, even grandparents. And they also have to accept if a child doesn't want to stay overnight.

BigGrannyPants · 17/04/2017 17:58

The situation and the way MIL went about it put pressure on the kids to say they were ok with something that they weren't and they spend the night upset and crying. There is nothing ok about that. MIL shouldn't have done what she did, it was selfish and bad for the kids.

Original poster
Realitea · 17/04/2017 18:01

Not the sort of thing a loving granny should do is it!

OP posts:
Catrina1234 · 17/04/2017 18:03

It's against MN etiquette to talk about issues that a poster has said on another thread. YNK I didn't say grandparents had an automatic right of contact with grandchildren in law. I said that they had the right to make application to the court under the terms of the Children Act 1989 for a Contact Order - anyone making this application needs to have leave of the court which means that the judge must consider the documentation and decide whether the case can be heard. If he/she decides that it should be heard in court, evidence has to be heard, and then the judge decides on how the matter will be disposed of - one of 2 ways - he can decide he will not grant the Contact Order OR that he will grant the Order and if he does so, he will define the timing and duration of the Contact. If the parents don't abide by the Court Order they are in contempt of court and this can be dealt with by way of a custodial sentence. OK? Got it now?

YNK · 17/04/2017 18:06

My daughter and her 7yo son live with me in my house.
Even the 7yo will tell you that when it comes to him, mummy is in charge and granny can do what mummy allows her to do.
We are all nice and clear about the boundaries here!
Not all granny's take liberties or mess with the childrens heads!

mummylove2monsters · 17/04/2017 18:07

My mil is exactly the same - she also does it with my husband- for example- I'm having an operation on Saturday ( a huge life saving one ) - she messaged me wishing me luck and saying "call if you need " - I said Thankyou I will of course keep you posted . ( I could do without her being here at my most private and vaunerable time of my life ) .
That night she calls my husband ( her son ) and insists that he will need her and she wants to come - he knows that I do not want this - yet her underhand - over my head phone call has trumped and she arrives to stay in my home next week and will stay as long as my husband needs her ?!
Good luck op - I feel your pain and it is a nightmare- she does the same with my kids - giving them when I've said no or telling them she's taking them somewhere before even asking me so that I become the bad guy !!!!

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2017 18:14

Oh shit Mummy Shock Sad

I was really really hoping that your fucking ILs had given up Sad

Thinking of you for next week xx

DoubleMs · 17/04/2017 18:16

Ask your children yourself without putting pressure on them and let them know that either answer is ok with yoi

valeview · 17/04/2017 18:17

I wouldn't call a Grandmother who uses emotional blackmail a good grandmother, personally! More interested in her own interests than the childs? I wonder what other pressures she puts on these poor kids. No, she is totally out of order. Creepy.

Catrina1234 · 17/04/2017 18:18

But surely you'll be in hospital won't you mummy for at least a week after such a major op. Isn't she just wanting to help. I feel sorry for these men who are supposed to be unpleasant to their mothers to please their wives/partners. Hope all goes well with your op.

YNK · 17/04/2017 18:28

So Catrina, this GM already has contact and from now on it will be supervised so how do you imagine the courts would deal with her taking a case against her son and DiL in these circumstances?
Don't make me laugh!

Astro55 · 17/04/2017 18:31

Isn't she just wanting to help

It's not help if it's. It wanted or asked for

PP may well recover at home - and doesn't want others in her house

DH should step up to do right by his wife not his mother

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