Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
Realjournal123 · 18/04/2017 00:30

Would you feel different if it was your mother OP who had acted like this? My guess is you would have spoken to her in a humorous way to chastise her and allowed them to stay with her.

Chloe84 · 18/04/2017 00:32

Apparently not talking to the dcs was worse than anything else. Even though he stood awkwardly watching me crying with the phone in his hand so it was pretty obvious why I didn't speak to them. Crap plan huh?

Perhaps he spoke to the kids and they told him what they told you - they didn't like it there without you (and H)?

So instead of admitting to himself that you were right not to want the kids to stay there, he's decided to place the blame on you, for not talking to the kids on the phone.

He clearly is not moved by your tears. Given he selfishly allows you to do everything for the kids and takes his mother's side over yours, this is not surprising.

I think his aggressive behaviour tonight is the final straw. There's no going back after this.

lastrose123 · 18/04/2017 00:53

I love having time with my GC however i would not want them to be with me under duress. Bribery is used often to try and encourage children to do as we wish or what we think is best for them but to go behind your back to try and influence them is not right especially if she said she would not influence them but perhaps she could not help herself. I think you need to chat with your children about what they really want and act accordingly.

Darbs76 · 18/04/2017 00:55

He's out of order for the way he's spoke to you and it all does seem a bit OTT given the situation. I am not in any pro MIL gang and clearly don't know what she's like but I personally don't see much harm in her persuading the children to stay - they might be reluctant due to missing parents and she might say but we can go to the zoo / feed the duck etc and they change their mind. I don't understand why that's so wrong it's caused this whole upset? I'd have just put it down to a MIL wanting to spend some time along with her grandchildren - what's wrong with that? You could have had a nice day or so together as a couple, many don't get that chance. Clearly there are more dept routed issues here but from an outsider looking in I really don't see the big deal in MIL trying to reassure and persuade her grandchildren to stay - she certainly doesn't deserve the bashing she's had here any maybe your H is hacked off such a big deal has been made. Like I say doesn't excuse his behaviour but it's a mountain out of a molehill to me

Motoko · 18/04/2017 01:15

I have a GD. If I asked her if she'd like to stay, and she said no, I wouldn't try to persuade her to.
That's just wrong, no matter how much I might want her to.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 18/04/2017 01:22

the plan was for him to pick them up all along, OP.
They were just saying what you wanted to hear so mil could have her own way.

Lynnm63 · 18/04/2017 01:32

I don't have gc as my dc are just teenagers and my pil are long dead. I don't think persuasion is wrong in the "we will have a lovely time, what would you like to do?" It's the agreement we will ask the dc, no pressure then riding roughshod over that decision. I hope when I am a mil I won't do this or need to. I hope my gc will want to stay.
I also hope to never put my dc in a position where my dil and I are at loggerheads.

Original poster
Realitea · 18/04/2017 03:24

Lynnm63 you've got it spot on there. I can't imagine any mil who would want to see their family at loggerheads and can't imagine why any mil would go behind the parents back unless it was to prove their power. Not the signs of a nice person

OP posts:
MissNosey · 18/04/2017 05:59

Sounds like the kid is pretty young - I don't believe they should be put inot the position of having to make a choice.
You're the parents and you say if they stay or go. You're giving a little kid too much decision-making power - something you (and their future friends/family) will regret when you end up with a spoilt teenager who becomes and spoilt and entitled adult.

genna1310 · 18/04/2017 07:49

I get terribley jealous of others MIL's who are lovey mine is the worse! Sounds like something mine would do BUT mine would get bored and ship DD's home!
So yes she's being very underhand!

ByeByeBadman · 18/04/2017 08:12

My advice is do not let it be inlaws that break you and dh up. Its not worth it.

Im very much not someone who goes NC. But if it saves your marriage you should consider it .

MiaowTheCat · 18/04/2017 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Realitea · 18/04/2017 08:50

ByeByeBadman I think h has made up his mind already. If anything was going to break us up it was going to be the IL's. It's easier for him than to see it from my point and stand up for me.
The NC is a given now whatever happens anyway.
I'm so tired, I was tossing and turning all night.

OP posts:
VictoriaPollardMD · 18/04/2017 08:58

he will never see his mother for who she is

You are correct, but I would add that she will always be that different person to him. IME, and from everything you say, it's likely discussions between H and MIL about how to extricate himself from the marriage and what they want to happen to the children will have taken place, denying you due process.

Once you have absorbed this hard message rally your support and mount your defence.

DrasticAction · 18/04/2017 09:09

MrsLupo Excellent post.

Nicely put "I have absolutely no fucking intention of behaving like these dreadful matriarch MILs who treat their sons like a battleground and their grandchildren like the spoils"

Op was counselling Relate counselling? Dh and I had to go directly due to In laws - it was eye opener and really shored us up.

DrasticAction · 18/04/2017 09:12

So sorry your going through this Op, Flowers it maddens me when some posters on here I see them come onto every single MIL thread no matter what and try and defend the mil, no matter what - always belitting the op - and yet this is a reality so many of us face - family breakdown.
Family breakdown Sad t

ByeByeBadman · 18/04/2017 09:12

Oh Realitea it makes you look at dh in a different way can't it - spineless, weak and someone whose loyalty isn't to his wife.

Poor you . CakeBrew

ByeByeBadman · 18/04/2017 09:13

Sorry that is total projection - putting feelings on to you.

Willow2017 · 18/04/2017 09:13

Realitea
What a complete dick he is.
Sorry that it has come to this but I really think you will be better off without him. He will never see his mum for who she is, will never really stand up to her and that puts her before you and your kids which is not on.

Your kids come first. Let him run back to mum and be her little boy forever if he hasnt got the backbone to stand up for his own family.

His behaviour is appaling and you should be telling him to go. You should have got the police and had his behaviour logged as it would have stood you in good stead.

Personally I would move far away with the kids but I know thats not easy in any circumstances. I would not want my kids near these people any more than they had to be and only under supervision.

Go and see your GP/councillor and tell them everything, tell them how you are bullied by mil and dh to go along with her wishes. Tell them about his behaviour last night. Get it all down in writing somewhere official. You need to prepare for the backlash you are going to get from them both and you need to stand strong for your kids, you are the only one who can protect them from that woman and you will find the strength believe me.

Catrina, you take the mil side on every thread despite their appaling actions against their own family and especially their grandkids. YOu make constant excuses for their behaviour, there are no excuses. GPs do not have rights over their grandkids, especially if they are abusing their trust and overstepping their boundaries. No court would grasnt access to abusive GPs thowing their toys out the pram.

Batgirlspants · 18/04/2017 09:15

It's sad this thread seems to be pitching women against women. I know that wasn't the ops intention of course.

There are nasty manipulative people of all ages and sexes snd some happen to be dils/mils/ dads/mums/sisters and sons.

This really isn't about mils it's about respecting boundaries within families and supporting and nurturing the family children.

ByeByeBadman · 18/04/2017 09:19

Why do people insist on singling out the mil thing? If someone has problem s with their dh or sister, mum, dad etc no-one rushes on defending all dhs, sisters, mums etc.

It's not because its OPs mil. Its because its someone manipulating her dc and dh.

Batgirlspants · 18/04/2017 09:19

To add specifically on the mil points. I have 2 fantastic dils who I adore and who I think adore me too but the relationship is founded on mutual respect and support. I adore my grandchildren but see my role as supporting their parents to help bring them up happy and secure. I never interfere and I always respect themas the parents.

Batgirlspants · 18/04/2017 09:23

Op your updates are so sad and shocking. What a wanker your dh sounds. How bloody dare he Flowers

sourgrapes28 · 18/04/2017 09:44

I would be packing his bags and telling him to leave for a few weeks until you can compose yourself. Make him realise that you don't have to put up with this! Hopefully a few weeks of being on his own will put the fear into him and make him see treating his wife like dirt for the sake of pleasing his mother will make him a sad lonely old man.
I know doing this is easier said than done but it sounds like you are running out of options so it may be worth a try. Flowers big hugs

VictoriaPollardMD · 18/04/2017 09:45

Right now DC will be looking for some normality and security amidst this mayhem, OP. Perhaps you are doing this already, but as a child of rowing parents can I suggest you assure them that they are not to blame for any of this and to encourage them to talk with you about how they are feeling? They will have seen and heard things they don't understand and will need a port in the storm. That's you.