To think this is really underhand of MIL?

[Realitea]

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

@Youdosomething Just wanted to encourage you that I adore my MIL and trust her with DC's - they're not all manipulative! Sorry for those who've had bad experiences. There are manipulative and controlling relatives in our lives but fortunately the MIL is the most trustworthy kind and loving of all our rellies. With her advancing age I dread the day she passes away actually, the thought fills me with aching sadness as she's so precious.

I have two sons and utterly adore my MIL who I couldn't live without. I would never dream of behaving like this as a MIL, I learned from the best

You're DH is a spineless coward and I couldn't have any respect for him at all. What a wimp allowing his wife and children to be so manipulated. I genuinely would LTB, I'd be utterly ashamed if either of my sons behaved this way. I can't imagine why anyone would think this is acceptable behaviour.

I haven't read all the thread

Anyone trying to offer a different point of view.....

Suggest you read the thread or not comment

Realitea I suspect this is not the only problem in your marriage.

Did you post fairly recently about your MIL & DH hatching a plan to have DC overnight unsupervised, and DC had been very clear on several occasions that they hadn't wanted to? IIRC your MIL has been insistent on this for several years? Has this been the first time your DC have actually stayed overnight on their own?

When you say the alternative to getting your friend involved was to call the police - what do you mean by that? Do you think your DH would have become violent, or threatened violence?

Tbh, though, if your marriage remains this rocky, simply staying together wouldn't ensure that he didn't ignore you and take/leave them there on any given occasion anyway. What would you do if he did? Hard to say what you could do, if he has this little respect for your feelings regarding her. Just thinking out loud really. Hope we are helping you marshall your thoughts and feelings a bit, OP.

It is shocking behaviour of a grown man to act this way against his own wife. He's been conditioned by his mother for so long he can't see any other view.
He admitted yesterday that mil was wrong to have done what she did but as she's now denied it he's taking that as gospel! To know the one person I always thought I could rely on is calling me a liar (and worse) is so hurtful. I feel very alone.
I had to call a third party in as it got very nasty indeed. No violence but really scarily loud and threatening. I've never seen such hatred towards me before from anyone.

Beryl, yes I did. It was decided that I'd let them choose. Big mistake! But then we didn't know that mil would do this.

He will be feeling all sorts of emotions because you have rocked his boat

He was happy with his head in the sand with you going along with things

I think the car journey would've given him some thinking time

Who was going to return the kids originally and how did it's come about that he had to fetch them?

Was he expecting you to go? Did he expect you to go with him?

I've just read your entire thread and whilst I think it is a massive over reaction regarding 'bribing' the DC to stay( hands up who hasn't bribed kids to do something! My mum would offer special stories and baking) now is the time to learn to be assertive and strong.

If you had to call a friend to try and calm your husband down you are already in a rotten marriage, this incident with your MIL is nothing compared to your husbands behaviour.

Jesus this is messed up, no you won't be able to control where he takes the kids if you split but then it sounds like you can't anyway
Are you strong enough to go it alone, you've mentioned how spineless you are? I would just tell him its me or her. Either he's loyal to you or her. But you dont sound strong enough to do that. Poor kids

I don't really know what happened. He woke up this morning and just said he was going to pick them up. Bit strange really. You're right about the car journey. That must be where he hatched the plan to blame me. Apparently not talking to the dcs was worse than anything else. Even though he stood awkwardly watching me crying with the phone in his hand so it was pretty obvious why I didn't speak to them. Crap plan huh?

Indont know - lets say it's a 3 hour drive - then back

That's just about do able sat afternoon till Sunday afternoon -

12/3 there 9/12 back

Doesn't leave a great deal of time in between and DH would have to stay over as well surely??

Doubt he'd be bothered very often

Ultimatums never go down well m0nica and I already know who he would choose.
Yes I'm spineless (thanks!) but if I had no other option I would go it alone. I'd have to.

Try to get some rest and proper sleep tonight. You are probably cruising on adrenaline.

I would suggest that you spend tomorrow contacting Women's Aid for support & advice. Having to call in a third party because you feared violence is not what happens in healthy relationships. You don't have to make any rash decisions, but exploring your options might be a good idea.

Are you only staying with your DH because you fear that if you separate then you will have no say in what he does with your DC during contact time (including overnights with MIL)?

You're right Astro, he'd stay there too especially if he was only able to have them at weekends or for a set time in the holidays.

Apart from the arguments in the past which have all been about his family, we are good. He is lazy and it annoys me but generally we get on and enjoy each other's company. I have found it increasingly annoying how he does absolutely nothing to help with the children and this is probably the last straw

Bribing isn't the same as coercing, though, pink. And parents who bribe tend to do it to get DCs to do something unpalatable, whereas a stay with GPs isn't meant to be unpalatable - and if it is, shouldn't really be inflicted on DCs regardless.

Tell DH, then talk to the DC about it as if no conversation has happened with MIL. However, you are welcome to use persuasive language as to why they might want to come home with you. "You can stay here of course, but then we won't be able to do that trip you wanted/see that film/have a DVD and pizza night" etc. Then MIL can ask them and they'll probably say no. At least your DH wasn't told that you were happy for them to stay (telling my DH something I was supposed to have agreed on used to happen a lot!)

I don't really know what happened. He woke up this morning and just said he was going to pick them up. Bit strange really. You're right about the car journey. That must be where he hatched the plan to blame me.

Odd really, because this ^^ makes it sound as though the decision to bring them home was a response to how upset the whole thing had made you. Do you think he could be angry because he knows deep down you are right about his mother, and he knows this problem isn't going to go away, but he so, so wishes it would so he didn't have to face it. If so, maybe you are the villain temporarily, but a bit of thinking time might see a more reasonable response from him.

It would have been good if you had gone with him to collect them, in order to minimise MIL's opportunity to drip-drip into his ear without you there, which is undoubtedly when he became angry with you all over again. In your shoes, I would try and make sure that can't happen in future. If you stay together after all, a united front is important, even if it's only for her benefit.

I knew you'd say he was lazy!

Because he wasted his day off driving and he's taking it out in everyone -

Things have moved on polly!

Massive sympathy from me. My mil manipulated my dc until one major slip up when they openly tried to get dh to leave and just lost it to dh about my evilness.

Hung themselves stupid fools but there it finally was. All the shit dh had never believed me was happening right there for him to hear.

I still can't fully get over the fact that he didn't believe me, his wife over his mother. It caused so many problems in our marriage. So I understand ho hurt you must feel.

My pil still see dc but only with us present. They will never have the dc without us. That's the compromise and it works ok.

Thinking of you OP, hope you manage a good rest. Let us know how you are in the morning

It's really hard because we get married in good faith that we'll still be annoying each other into old age. In your circumstances, you really need to think, is this the life I want, always being the bad guy, as DH deposits his balls in the glovebox before visiting family.

One way around it, is simply not to go. This works fine for us, but whilst MIL has said DD we could have such a great girly time together, DS can go off with Grandad, it never happens. Where I'm guessing you'd be at home worrying if in fact the children would come home say during holidays.

If I look back at MIL based stuff, I acknowledge that growing up with a matriarch, I was strong headed, I wasn't always perfect in how I dealt with things. If the same situation with various in laws happened at any age, the out come would be the same, so where perhaps I blamed my maturity it isn't that.

All in all a shitty time for you I admit I sat on the fence facing MIL's direction, thinking there's nothing more that I'd love than for DC to get experiences, staying with other relatives. Your husband has shown his true colours, it's the same kind of manipulative tactic I guess MIL would do, take off the wedding band, make the person they want to comply feel like crap.

In a way I'd say you're best off out of it. I had a SIL where everything had to centre on her. We had glorious months of NC, but eventually her brother got sucked into her emotional time warp, I was the bad guy. There were very serious reasons, very serious indeed where they were taking the piss on top of pulling everyone's strings.

I was gutted when it ended, but would I still be sane today, everytime the phone rang I knew it was her, every time there was a family event it had to centre on her, to the point where I was excluded as there was no room to compromise to fit me in, despite me being ill.

If you think in your heart, could I put up with 2/5/10/20 more years of this, will I lose everything I stand for? If the answers yes, I'd shock your husband and say I agree, a trial separation might be in order. That way he can gather his thoughts as to whose team he's on.

Some may say that's rather petty, but that's what it boils down to. Is he going to be your rod and your staff or his mothers.

It'll totally be his loss.

Possibly seek advice on the matter.

Does he manipulate you, twisting things to get his own way?

At least with toxic family I encountered, I vowed to be nothing like them even if it means NC. Would he do the same?

Reow I could report your post but I won't as it's pathetic. You call my posts snide and contrary simply because they don't go along with almost everyone else. Do you understand the rules of debate - that there can be a variety of views, expressed in a variety of ways. If (as in this case) all the MIL haters pile in and I come at it from a different point of view that doesn't make my views snide and contrary. Someone else says I'm judgemental - well aren't a lot of posts judgemental to a greater or less extent. Since the OP has posted about her DH's behaviour many posters are piling in to deliver all sorts of insults about him - is that not judgemental.

I don't understand why you DILs get so worked up about me posting with a different point of view. At some point I'm usually told I think no MIL can be to blame which is patent nonsense. But the other side of that coin is that you DILs think no dils can be to blame. Get it?

It's also against MN etiquette to refer to posts on another thread.