Dumped by husband

[MancMama]

I'm an avid MN reader but never posted.

Bit of back story: been with DH for 10 years, married for 18mths. Had 1st baby 9 mths ago - DD. She's a brilliant baby, eats, sleeps, sociable. However I've been struggling with the isolation of being home a lot more, not going out and seeing friends. Generally feeling a bit lonely. And 2 of my closest friends have pretty much excluded me from their lives.

So the AIBU but also WWYD bit is this (& please be honest but kind if I'm just being pathetic)... yesterday, went out with DH and DD for a walk/fresh air and for some very rare time when it's just the 3 of us doing 'something' and spending quality time together. Nipped into local pub for drink and feed DD, and DH announces he's put a couple of quid bet on some football match and it wins/comes good. Has won a few hundred pounds. Buys us some fizz to celebrate. Having a fab time. After drinks, head out to another place that does drinks but also food. Starts discussing dinner and decide on takeaway as DD is getting tired and it's nearly her bedtime.

Then he gets a message from a friend who asks to join us. DH then says (in a joking but serious can I sort of way) could he stay out with friend and I take DD home. I say that's not fair or nice on me and I wouldn't do that to him. He doesn't respond but carries on chatting/playing with DD. Friend turns up and within 5 mins asks if DH can stay out (obviously been texting each other). Both then start laughing, chatting, etc but ignore me and DD. DH then asks in front of friend that he wants to stay out and will pay for me to a taxi home. Friend says go on 'mum, release the ball and chain). I've never stopped DH going out or doing anything in fact. I'm pretty laid back. Probably a pushover! By now I'm fed up, upset and annoyed. I feel our lovely afternoon and evening spending some quality time together has been spoilt and I've been sent home and dismissed like some 1950s housewife or even secretary. I go home (& walk because I don't want his bloody money).

At home, I put DD to bed and go to bed myself crying. DH comes home hours later (gone midnight) and is so drunk he falls asleep on couch! Good!

His turn to get DD up (7am) and breakfast this morn - doesn't cos he's hungover. Asks why I'm upset! Then says I'm ruining his fun. I never let him go out and see friends! (Btw he goes football every week and since DD has had 4 times as many nights out that me - I've counted). He says I'm being unreasonable. I'm fed up. I feel hurt and rejected. Am I being unreasonable? Please help me MN!

Hate "friends" like that They just seem jealous that you are happy and they have decided they dont like you. Had a friend sofa surf for a while and he used to boss me around!

DH and I are both completely relaxed about doing things separately, in fact we've never been out together in the evening because we don't have a babysitter, but I would really be angry in your position. Angry to the point of dumping my DH for good if this sort of thing happened regularly. It isn't the separate evening, it is the rude, selfish dropping of you when the friend trotted in. Tbh, I wouldn't tolerate this from a friend, never mind a husband. And "Ball and chain" ??!!! . How old is he OP? Because he sounds like a teenager. My DH often works in the evening, we make plans to watch a drama together etc, this is our special time together, true of a lot of couples surely? Rude, arrogant and unkind to then drop a prior arrangement when a more appealing one comes along. I wouldn't let my daughters do this to a friend either, so why tolerate it in a husband?

Yes you have to teach him that life has changed by having a good proper grown up chat. We all had to go through this. The Mum learns fast because she is on the sharp end of the baby care but Dad usually lags behind. He can learn though and will if you tell him what needs to happen.

It doesn't matter that it was 'only' takeaway & a night in. You don't get much time together and it's hurtful that he'd prefer to spend it with his friend than you.

His friend would be lucky not to have spent the night at A&E if he'd spoken to me like that and DH with him if he'd acted like that. Treating you like the hired bloody help.

It's not about him going out, it's about him dumping your plans together when he got, what he perceived, was a better offer and the bloody childish way he went about it.

OP he sounds like he is struggling a bit with the reality of being a dad.

FromNobHill "I think you hugely overreacted to him wanting to go out with a friend. You can't say its unfair that someone thinks you won't "let" him out when you actually said "no, I don't want you to go out when you want to". It's accurate."

What is accurate is that he felt he could dump not only his wife but child and bugger off elsewhere. What is the OP had said actually I've just texted my friend and she/he is meeting me here and we are going off to the pub? Would that have been OK? Should they have tossed a coin to see who had to continue parenting the baby and who got to go out?

I think your dp needs to know, OP that he has lots of chances to go out but things now need to be arranged in advance. Because some one has to look after your child. (your plural)

Also as he could not get up to look after dd then he owes you a lie in another day! It does sound petty but I think he seems to see the baby as 'your' domain.

What if the OP had said actually ...

so it's fine if you have plans with dh (regardless of nice takeaway, dinner out or cinema trip) but then one if his single mates wants to go out for a drink or a "boys" night so you are just left to get on with it. Without dc i'd be pissed off but probably have tried to get a friend out myself but with DC it's a whole other matter! YANBU in the slightest!

You are not being unreasonable - he was rude and disrespectful in my opinion. Hope when he said sorry he meant it and will be a bit more thoughtful in the future. I doubt he would have been happy if you had texted one of your friends and just dumped your child on him to take home on his own half way through your day together. And for people saying it was 'only a takeaway' this is the equivalent of a big night out for lots of couples when they have a baby.

I think he was a bit rude shuffling you off home and it sounds like his friend was also rude. However, other than that he was just having a night out with a friend. I know it was a nice family afternoon but if he had not won you would have been home earlier and the day out would have ended earlier. As for the morning, he can get up early another morning. It is really not worth arguing about. If it happens repeatedly, perhaps a different matter.

my OH goes out all the time (work related) and when he suggests going out with his friends my answer is always - tell me how having a child has changed your life !

always makes him feel bad and he generally doesn't go.

Poor you. he is really very selfish.xxx

This would really piss me off too although I know others will and have disagreed. My STBEXH used to do something similar: I'd wait all week for Sunday to come so we could have a day out with our son. He would then mention it to his parents who would end up joining us and then come 6pm he'd say, in front of everyone, "do you mind if I go and have a few games of snooker with my Dad?". Like I could say no! It's not the fact that they want to go out, it's the fact that we'd not really spent any time together all week and then on the one day you do get, they want to cut it short and go and do something else without you. Are there any underlying issues? My ex is probably the most selfish person I've ever encountered. He puts himself first before everything and wouldn't know empathy if it slapped in the face with red flashing lights and bells on it!!

I would be extremely clever if I were you, and say to him - great idea to "release the ball and chain" as your friend so aptly put it - here are my nights and days out over the coming 3 months, could you make sure they are on your calendar so we don't clash?

Sounds childish I know, but he needs a reality check of what being a full time parent can be like!! He can be welcome to his nights out - but make sure you get yours too!!!

PS might his choice of friend/s be influencing his behaviour???

OP- how I see it is, were having a nice time, enjoying each other's company....then, suddenly he put an end to that. YANBU. I would have felt hurt too....you wanted the nice time to carry on together...

I also do know you can win big sums from one match ( unlike others have suggested) and a small bet, that aside keep an eye on betting thing....

I would have said 'Sorry, we already have plans and I would like to stick to them', if it was pushed, I would have said DH had said we were getting a take away.

You could be a bit firmer, knowing he has had so many more nights out than you already, maybe even use that.

YANBU!

Id be fucking raging. prick. It would be one thing if it was just you, but not even making sure you got home? How would he behave if it was the other way round?
And his friend is a prick n`all!!

I'd be peed off with the way hubby involved his friend, but with regards to dumping you, I'm not sure what the issue is. You spent the afternoon together and your husband wanted to stay out with his mate.
I know that being a parent can be lonely and you have already said that your two best mates have dropped you.
I think you need to speak to your husband about being lonely and also look at joining groups or making more friends x

YANBU it sounds really mean pushing you out like that

I remember feeling equally p'd off when mine were young, and DH would go out at drop of a hat. I felt resentful that he felt he could just do that, whilst I felt lonely and tired and sometimes trapped. Sometimes when we're out with friends now the DCs are independent, he will stay out and I'll go home if tired, and it doesn't bother me. I agree with what a PP said; I think men sometimes find it difficult to adjust when a baby comes along. You just need to commiunicate to him how the situation made you feel, and flip it the other way round so that he can maybe understand how he would have felt had it been you that buggered off leaving him holding the baby.

What Historicalaccount says!
Sending you hugs OP... I've been there... pretty sound advice from Historicalaccount , I wish someone had given me those wise words . Instead i let myself get drawn into a battle of wills with the manchild and it became about who wins thevriw rather than who's right or wrong. Take a breather, approach this with a calm level head. Get the boundaries established . And darn right take yourself out for a break in return .
I get that you're feeling isolated right now but I promise as the baby gets older you'll re-establish your social circle x

Nice of him to apologize after he broke your plans, did what you specifically asked him no to do (ditch you), stayed out and got drunk, didn't do his turn with the baby due to hangover... how sweet.
Plus he gets 4x as many times out as you do.
What a jerk.

Don't belittle a take away. Some people rarely have them, therefore a treat, baby in bed, cosy together time for op and dh.

"Ball and chain"? Oh, please.

Today my ds had a friend around to play with nothing too exciting planned except the friend had been promised this for a while and we had only just got around to arranging it, then there was a knock at the door. The ds of my neighbour was calling to see if my ds (visiting ds wouldn't be invited) wanted to go to his and play on his trampoline, we don't have a trampoline and my ds loves going on theirs. Basically my ds declined the offer, explaining that he had a friend to play; he would have loved to go but knew he didn't want to upset the friend already here.
In short, a 9 yr old boy didn't want to go back on an arrangement and put his friend first, against his own wants.
Might have been a bit long winded - but, puts the OPs dh to shame in my mind.