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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dumped by husband

184 replies

MancMama · 16/04/2017 08:38

I'm an avid MN reader but never posted.

Bit of back story: been with DH for 10 years, married for 18mths. Had 1st baby 9 mths ago - DD. She's a brilliant baby, eats, sleeps, sociable. However I've been struggling with the isolation of being home a lot more, not going out and seeing friends. Generally feeling a bit lonely. And 2 of my closest friends have pretty much excluded me from their lives.

So the AIBU but also WWYD bit is this (& please be honest but kind if I'm just being pathetic)... yesterday, went out with DH and DD for a walk/fresh air and for some very rare time when it's just the 3 of us doing 'something' and spending quality time together. Nipped into local pub for drink and feed DD, and DH announces he's put a couple of quid bet on some football match and it wins/comes good. Has won a few hundred pounds. Buys us some fizz to celebrate. Having a fab time. After drinks, head out to another place that does drinks but also food. Starts discussing dinner and decide on takeaway as DD is getting tired and it's nearly her bedtime.

Then he gets a message from a friend who asks to join us. DH then says (in a joking but serious can I sort of way) could he stay out with friend and I take DD home. I say that's not fair or nice on me and I wouldn't do that to him. He doesn't respond but carries on chatting/playing with DD. Friend turns up and within 5 mins asks if DH can stay out (obviously been texting each other). Both then start laughing, chatting, etc but ignore me and DD. DH then asks in front of friend that he wants to stay out and will pay for me to a taxi home. Friend says go on 'mum, release the ball and chain). I've never stopped DH going out or doing anything in fact. I'm pretty laid back. Probably a pushover! By now I'm fed up, upset and annoyed. I feel our lovely afternoon and evening spending some quality time together has been spoilt and I've been sent home and dismissed like some 1950s housewife or even secretary. I go home (& walk because I don't want his bloody money).

At home, I put DD to bed and go to bed myself crying. DH comes home hours later (gone midnight) and is so drunk he falls asleep on couch! Good!

His turn to get DD up (7am) and breakfast this morn - doesn't cos he's hungover. Asks why I'm upset! Then says I'm ruining his fun. I never let him go out and see friends! (Btw he goes football every week and since DD has had 4 times as many nights out that me - I've counted). He says I'm being unreasonable. I'm fed up. I feel hurt and rejected. Am I being unreasonable? Please help me MN!

OP posts:
HomityBabbityPie · 16/04/2017 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HomityBabbityPie · 16/04/2017 18:18

Whoops wrong thread!

EC22 · 16/04/2017 18:20

Context is everything
I'd assume there's underlying issues yous need to sort.
I'd expect to be able to go out with a friend at short notice without any fuss if the opportunity came up and I'd be happy for DH to do the same but we have a good social life together and we wouldn't be doing it unequally or anything.

Daydream007 · 16/04/2017 18:28

I'd be upset too. He is acting like a child and needs to grow up.

NSEA · 16/04/2017 18:38

Haven't read all the replies but really hoping its been suggested that you plan a nihht out for yourself one night. And make sure you leave him to it.

He should make it up to you. I would feel dumped to and thats a grotty feeling, but you will get over it x

NSEA · 16/04/2017 18:39

@ec22 Its more the fact they were already out and had planned the rest of the evening and she's already outlined that she feels lonely so this just exacerbates that for her.

fourteenlittleducks · 16/04/2017 18:44

I think you were U, sorry. You had a nice day out together. He wanted to spend some time with his friend in the evening. I think it's wrong to deny him this. Does he work full time? How often does he spend time with friends or have a night out?

If I'd had a nice day out with DH and toddler DD, and my friend was unexpected in town and wanted to meet up, I'd be upset if DH said no (unless of course we had a table booked somewhere or a special plan for the evening). Everyone needs some childfree time. I'd expect him to make up my missed lie-in the following weekend.

My advice: try really hard to make local friends. I know it's hard with a baby/toddler but you'll feel so much better. Go to baby groups, classes, local mums meet-ups then arrange invite them over for coffee/lunch.
When we moved to this area I knew no-one and was very dependent on DH for company. It put a lot of pressure on our relationship as I became needy and resented him seeing friends. I'm much happier now I have a social group of my own.

Willow2017 · 16/04/2017 19:08

Fourteen
He spent a whole 3 hours with his family before saying he was off with his friend and despite op saying she wanted to finish their plans for the day he let his friend come and dismiss her like the hired help.

Rtt He goes out a lot with his friends but rarely with his own family would it have killed him to spend time with op and his child instead of going out and getting pissed?

fourteenlittleducks · 16/04/2017 19:24

Well he'd been working all morning. And they had no special plans for the evening, just a takeaway.

When you work unsociable hours and shifts it can be hard to fit everything in. Maybe the friend was only in town that evening? Maybe he wasn't enjoying the afternoon with OP (for whatever reason)? Maybe the thought of a takeaway and evening in just didn't appeal that day? I don't understand why you would want to spend the evening with him when he clearly didn't want to. Wouldn't he be grumpy and resentful?

Different if he'd cancelled the whole day. But you spent a few hours together as a family, had a nice time out of the house, then he wanted to do something else instead of going home.

I think it's about being flexible. Plan something nice for next weekend. Can you get a babysitter and book a restaurant?

Whisky2014 · 16/04/2017 21:11

fourteen but she wanted to spend the day and evening with just her family.
Is it not reasonable to spend one whole day together as a family without others intruding?
I work all day...doesn't mean I need to see a friend after it :s

Willow2017 · 16/04/2017 21:53

Wow expectations are running low if all you can hope for from your oh is 3 hours over a weekend to spend with you and your daughter.

Op has said he goes out regularly with friend not that he just happened to appear out of the blue from a far flung place! Putting friends before family is crap. And allowing your friend to tell your wife to run off home and be mum, Tell her to let go the ball and chain etc so you can get pissed with her husband is more than pathetic.

SabineUndine · 16/04/2017 22:18

It's the way it was obviously engineered that gets me. The two guys ganging up on the OP, and that hideous comment about the ball and chain.

Willow2017 · 16/04/2017 22:45

Sabine
Exactly. Even after op said she didnt want the friend there they had arranged him to come anyway and just got rid of her and baby.

Selfish gits.

Bonez · 17/04/2017 06:52

Ngl, I'd have been pissed off if I were in your shoes!

William85953 · 17/04/2017 17:30

It is always sad when people say one thing but in their hearts they are thinking something else.
Don't let hate fill your heart, always forgive and move on.
Smile

Inertia · 17/04/2017 17:51

YANBU- basically your husband is telling you he's bored of your company and can't be bothered with the baby, so he engineered a better night out with his friend.

Whisky2014 · 17/04/2017 17:52

wiliam so the op should take being treated to like shit and then forgive and forget? Wtf

Goingtobeawesome · 17/04/2017 17:59

Don't show him this thread. Stupid advice as using it always is. He won't care. It won't change his mind.

HumphreyCobblers · 17/04/2017 18:01

Given that he regularly goes out anyway, I think he was entirely unreasonable to engineer a situation where you were left with the baby on this occasion.

kateryan · 17/04/2017 18:02

This makes me so mad, my ex was just like this, going out with his mates (who were mostly single) leaving me alone with the baby, even when I returned to work he carried on. I was never in a position to have a night out as no family support nearby. Some people are fine with it and I understand that and it can work if all things are equal, however, what could have been a nice day was spoilt by his need to follow his friend. Do you think he doesn't want his mates to feel he is under the thumb. Personally I would join a mother and baby/toddler group, take your little one to the gym or swimming or some such place, make some new friends and then find time for yourself and let him do baby duty. Wish I had done that years ago when mine was young.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 17/04/2017 18:03

Read the thread. The apology - dont believe it. Sorry.

You need to start planning NOW for your return to work taking this as a wake up call. The recent Mumsnet evening about confidence and returning to work really emphasized getting dads/partners to take on full joint responsibility for childcare. In other words, if one of your friends had called yesterday about meeting up, DH would have been happy and able to take DD home and do food, bed routine as easily.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 17/04/2017 18:16

I think the ball and chain comment was very disrespectful towards you and I would have told the friend exactly that. YANBU to be upset and an apology wouldn't be enough from your DH to make up for the way you've been treated. Like pp have suggested, I'd also recommend you look at going back to work in case of the marriage not lasting long term.

DixieFlatline · 17/04/2017 18:16

These 'no special plans, just a takeaway' and 'just a Chinese and bed' comments are so short-sighted. Obviously if your relationship is solid and equal and you spend a good amount of time with each other doing interesting and 'special' things together, you can be of the opinion that a takeaway at home is not worth fighting for in the grand scheme of things, if you like. But clearly a takeaway at home was a very significant chunk of the OP and her husband's planned time together, and not something to just be cancelled because there are better things coming up. Maybe there aren't better things coming up...

holidaychocs · 17/04/2017 18:20

It was rude and disrespectful. Whether the perpetrator is your husband, your friend or different family member.

You made plans those plans are irrelevant really. You got dumped. The man who you attempted to spend some bonding time with due to busy family life decided that he wanted to hang out with someone else.

Just because it was a take away does not make bad behaviour excusable.

annielouise · 17/04/2017 18:20

I'd have been really annoyed too. As someone said, it's the way he engineered it. He knew you weren't happy yet steamrollered on. His friend was rude as well. My ex had form for this. The difference between you and I is I would have argued it then and there and told his friend to fuck off. We didn't last. Different expectations.