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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dumped by husband

184 replies

MancMama · 16/04/2017 08:38

I'm an avid MN reader but never posted.

Bit of back story: been with DH for 10 years, married for 18mths. Had 1st baby 9 mths ago - DD. She's a brilliant baby, eats, sleeps, sociable. However I've been struggling with the isolation of being home a lot more, not going out and seeing friends. Generally feeling a bit lonely. And 2 of my closest friends have pretty much excluded me from their lives.

So the AIBU but also WWYD bit is this (& please be honest but kind if I'm just being pathetic)... yesterday, went out with DH and DD for a walk/fresh air and for some very rare time when it's just the 3 of us doing 'something' and spending quality time together. Nipped into local pub for drink and feed DD, and DH announces he's put a couple of quid bet on some football match and it wins/comes good. Has won a few hundred pounds. Buys us some fizz to celebrate. Having a fab time. After drinks, head out to another place that does drinks but also food. Starts discussing dinner and decide on takeaway as DD is getting tired and it's nearly her bedtime.

Then he gets a message from a friend who asks to join us. DH then says (in a joking but serious can I sort of way) could he stay out with friend and I take DD home. I say that's not fair or nice on me and I wouldn't do that to him. He doesn't respond but carries on chatting/playing with DD. Friend turns up and within 5 mins asks if DH can stay out (obviously been texting each other). Both then start laughing, chatting, etc but ignore me and DD. DH then asks in front of friend that he wants to stay out and will pay for me to a taxi home. Friend says go on 'mum, release the ball and chain). I've never stopped DH going out or doing anything in fact. I'm pretty laid back. Probably a pushover! By now I'm fed up, upset and annoyed. I feel our lovely afternoon and evening spending some quality time together has been spoilt and I've been sent home and dismissed like some 1950s housewife or even secretary. I go home (& walk because I don't want his bloody money).

At home, I put DD to bed and go to bed myself crying. DH comes home hours later (gone midnight) and is so drunk he falls asleep on couch! Good!

His turn to get DD up (7am) and breakfast this morn - doesn't cos he's hungover. Asks why I'm upset! Then says I'm ruining his fun. I never let him go out and see friends! (Btw he goes football every week and since DD has had 4 times as many nights out that me - I've counted). He says I'm being unreasonable. I'm fed up. I feel hurt and rejected. Am I being unreasonable? Please help me MN!

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 16/04/2017 10:54

It wouldn't really be the same circumstances if he went about achieving the same outcome totally differently though, to be fair. If he went out by mutual agreement and knew his wife would be fine with it in the context of him being a good and committed husband and father, which I think is what you mean your husband would do, then that's totally fair enough and isn't 'cool wife' behaviour.

Xenophile · 16/04/2017 10:55

YANBU, it's not unreasonable to expect an adult to not dump you for a better offer in this underhand fashion, husband or not.

I'm glad he's apologised now, but this is something you need to discuss with clear heads and cool words. There's no problems with you or he wanting to spend time with friends, but that kind of underhand stuff is not on.

And the oh! so funny ball and chain friend probably needs to take his face out for a massive shit.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/04/2017 10:57

It's not really about him wanting to do something else - it's the underhand way he went about doing it.

TheOriginalChatelaine · 16/04/2017 10:57

Your dd had to be put to bed anyway. Perhaps another approach would have been better but you chose to let it ruin the lovely outing and create an atmosphere between you. There was nothing belittling about what happened and you could have cheerfully given the friend a rebuttals to his remark! Grown up stuff I know, but yabu. Let it go and be happy.

JigglyTuff · 16/04/2017 10:59

So if you were out with your husband and he gave you the baby and told you to take her home so that he could go out on the lash and not get up with the baby the next morning, that would be totally cool with you pictish?

WhisperingLoudly · 16/04/2017 11:02

pictish

The OP got dumped mid - day out after they'd made plans for evening. Would that really not bother you if your DH did the same? I just can't fathom why someone would be ok with that?

It's not about being secure in your DHs commitment to the family and ok with him doing something else it's being told your plans are less important

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2017 11:02

Ball and chain?! Friend would have had a sharp fuck off from me. You were basically told to go home because he'd rather get pissed with his mate. I'd be sodding furious.

Tumtitum · 16/04/2017 11:06

Actually OP ignore my previous post, just been mulling it over and I would be upset, YANBU. Not because he wanted to go out, i may or may not have been fine with that depending on how much time we'd spent together recently etc etc, but because he asked you, you said no, and he still pushed it. In the same situation my DH might have compromised by convincing me to stay with them for one more drink or something, then coming home. Still, go out yourself this afternoon!! I know that can be easier said when you want to spend time together as a family (but will be shit anyway if he's hungover so get on out!! ;) )

pictish · 16/04/2017 11:13

If plans were a Chinese then bed, then it wouldn't bother me, no.

There are obviously issues in OP's relationship whereby she felt rejected and he saw fit to offer an apology. We don't have those issues so the same event would have no bearing on us.

witsender · 16/04/2017 11:23

Ha! I am the least cool wife you can imagine.

PollyPerky · 16/04/2017 11:35

OP You sound like a drama lama. Especially for your thread title which suggests your husband left you ( attention seeking behaviour on your part) rather than went out with a friend.

I wonder if you have a reputation for being clingy, hence the comments by his mate ? (ie ball and chain?)

My view is that the friend and your DH should have said to you 'Do you mind if we go off and have a lads' drink?'

A sensible adult who cared about her DH and wasn't so selfish or needy would have said 'Go on- have some fun'.

Fl0ellafunbags · 16/04/2017 12:51

A sensible adult who cared about her DH and wasn't so selfish or needy would have said 'Go on- have some fun'

Are you the OP's husband?

NabobsFromNobHill · 16/04/2017 13:01

I think you hugely overreacted to him wanting to go out with a friend. You can't say its unfair that someone thinks you won't "let" him out when you actually said "no, I don't want you to go out when you want to". It's accurate.

It's about fairness and respect. This scenario wouldn't be uncommon in my relationship, but it could be either of us going out with friends, and we are very relaxed about it. It's not about being a "cool wife" (a stupid and offensive phrase anyway) its about being equal partners who also maintain other aspects to our lives, supported by each other.

Itsnotmesothere · 16/04/2017 13:48

I love how he apologised AFTER he did exactly as he liked despite originally making plans with you. I suppose there was no question about who was going home to look after the baby Angry

pictish · 16/04/2017 13:52

"It's not about being a "cool wife" (a stupid and offensive phrase anyway) its about being equal partners who also maintain other aspects to our lives, supported by each other."

I agree.

Willow2017 · 16/04/2017 14:18

Spending a whole 3 hours with his family = he needs a 'prize' of going off with his mate, 'sending the little woman home to be mum' and getting rat arsed and coming in so drunk he doesnt make it up the stairs?

Dont think so. He was supposed to be spending time with his family, op said he goes out with friends regularly so he could have spent one whole afternoon/evening with her not bump her off for his stupid mate.

I had an ex who started doing that, his single friend 'needed' someone to go out with and 'needed' to come back to ours when he was legless (and ex was drunk too) so ex was 'looking after him!' and our plans had to be scrapped...hence he is now an ex.

PollyPerky · 16/04/2017 14:20

fio selective quoting! You should have also quoted my previous sentence.

Quite a few of us are saying the OP was being unreasonable- do have a read :)

gammaraystar · 16/04/2017 14:43

So many "cool wifes" on here today!

pictish · 16/04/2017 14:44

*wives

NabobsFromNobHill · 16/04/2017 14:47

Again, dickish and ignorant phrase, but at least spell it properly Hmm

MsGameandWatch · 16/04/2017 14:52

My ex H did this ALL the time. We'd go out for the day and he'd have a few beers and then either dump us where we were or see us home and rush out the door to see his mates. I could never articulate why it bothered me so much. He'd say "there's no point us BOTH sitting in watching a sleeping child" and I could never come up with a decent argument why that should happen.

MTverystressed · 16/04/2017 14:57

Just read the whole OP, I thought from the thread title your husband had left you! i'm
glad your not actually dumped and the two of you can hopefully sort this out.

HomityBabbityPie · 16/04/2017 18:02

But OP's husband does not seem to consider her an equal partner given she's de facto parent Hmm

NabobsFromNobHill · 16/04/2017 18:04

You don't know that. You have her painting of it, he might tell it differently.

HomityBabbityPie · 16/04/2017 18:17

So? You could say that about any poster on here, I have to take op's version as true as that's the only one I've got and she is the one asking for advice.