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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dumped by husband

184 replies

MancMama · 16/04/2017 08:38

I'm an avid MN reader but never posted.

Bit of back story: been with DH for 10 years, married for 18mths. Had 1st baby 9 mths ago - DD. She's a brilliant baby, eats, sleeps, sociable. However I've been struggling with the isolation of being home a lot more, not going out and seeing friends. Generally feeling a bit lonely. And 2 of my closest friends have pretty much excluded me from their lives.

So the AIBU but also WWYD bit is this (& please be honest but kind if I'm just being pathetic)... yesterday, went out with DH and DD for a walk/fresh air and for some very rare time when it's just the 3 of us doing 'something' and spending quality time together. Nipped into local pub for drink and feed DD, and DH announces he's put a couple of quid bet on some football match and it wins/comes good. Has won a few hundred pounds. Buys us some fizz to celebrate. Having a fab time. After drinks, head out to another place that does drinks but also food. Starts discussing dinner and decide on takeaway as DD is getting tired and it's nearly her bedtime.

Then he gets a message from a friend who asks to join us. DH then says (in a joking but serious can I sort of way) could he stay out with friend and I take DD home. I say that's not fair or nice on me and I wouldn't do that to him. He doesn't respond but carries on chatting/playing with DD. Friend turns up and within 5 mins asks if DH can stay out (obviously been texting each other). Both then start laughing, chatting, etc but ignore me and DD. DH then asks in front of friend that he wants to stay out and will pay for me to a taxi home. Friend says go on 'mum, release the ball and chain). I've never stopped DH going out or doing anything in fact. I'm pretty laid back. Probably a pushover! By now I'm fed up, upset and annoyed. I feel our lovely afternoon and evening spending some quality time together has been spoilt and I've been sent home and dismissed like some 1950s housewife or even secretary. I go home (& walk because I don't want his bloody money).

At home, I put DD to bed and go to bed myself crying. DH comes home hours later (gone midnight) and is so drunk he falls asleep on couch! Good!

His turn to get DD up (7am) and breakfast this morn - doesn't cos he's hungover. Asks why I'm upset! Then says I'm ruining his fun. I never let him go out and see friends! (Btw he goes football every week and since DD has had 4 times as many nights out that me - I've counted). He says I'm being unreasonable. I'm fed up. I feel hurt and rejected. Am I being unreasonable? Please help me MN!

OP posts:
witsender · 16/04/2017 10:08

But if I had been unhappy about it he wouldn't have gone, wouldn't necessarily make me reasonable however. We both would have Hmm at the ball and chain comment though, fucking idiot.

pictish · 16/04/2017 10:09

In fact, in imagining this exact scenario, we'd both be telling the other, "No no...no worries. You stay here, I'll be fine."

Surprised I'm unusual in that.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/04/2017 10:13

Other people posting how cool they would be with this is completely irrelevant. He knew she was upset and dumped her anyway.

disappearingfish · 16/04/2017 10:13

You may not be unusual but the OP felt differently in this instance and she's not wrong to do so just because others might be cool about it.

In the same scenario I might be okay or not, but I would be pissed off if I was put on the spot with virtually no option to say no.

Fairweather123 · 16/04/2017 10:16

OP Please don't be upset by the martyrdom of parenthood starting to rear its ugly head!

YANBU and you are not a single parent so you are entitled to want your DH to put you and DD first! That is normal!

It's not a question of whether you are lonely, needy, don't have enough friends, all of which you've proved you're not btw. It's simply a question of whether your DH should have instantly abandoned the plans you had already made and gone out with his mate instead when he showed up.

triedandrusted · 16/04/2017 10:21

I;m with Bluntness actually - I'd have just given him a kiss and said have a nice time. I think you're both being childish. You also need to stop counting how many nights out each of you have. I don't think either of you have actually adjusted to having a child yet and you need to stop trying to have the life that you had before otherwise you are going to make each other unhappy.

ShoesHaveSouls · 16/04/2017 10:24

Friend says go on 'mum, release the ball and chain

That comment would make me so, so angry. It's sexist, and derogatory.

Fact is, OP describes an afternoon/evening of 'rare quality time' together, so is NBU to then feel dumped if her DH then wants her to take the baby home while he goes out on the piss. They were planning a takeaway together - then friend comes along, and she finds herself suddenly taking the baby home alone. That would leave me upset.

HomityBabbityPie · 16/04/2017 10:26

He sounds like an absolute tool. It's not the going out that's the issue it's the way he went about it. Prick.

Platimum · 16/04/2017 10:26

I remember this. Being at home with two tiny kids and my x would just sail off on his motor bike when the notion struck him but if I tried to escape to the corner shop for five minutes he wasn't happy!

Enjoy your night out next week

Original poster
MancMama · 16/04/2017 10:28

I do go out. I go to baby groups, out with friends, out by myself. Obviously not as much as before DD but gradually that's getting better as we adjust. The problem is I don't spend much quality time with DH. He works shifts which include evenings and weekends sometimes.

If being clingy is wanting to enjoy some quality time with my DH then thats others opinions. If the tables were turned, I would've told my friend that I was busy and made arrangements for another time.

The family day only started about 3pm btw because he was working in the morning. By the time the friend turned up it was only 6pm. It wasn't about a takeaway and putting baby to bed, it was about spending time together. And we'd planned that. He changed those plans.

Anyway, he's since come down and immediately apologised. He said he wasn't being fair and it wasn't right.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/04/2017 10:28

And 2 of my closest friends have pretty much excluded me from their lives.

Why? do you think this is making you overly reliant on your DP?

I echo the poster who said 'get back to work' - you need it for your own self esteem if you are feeling this isolated.

TBH I never quite under stood keeping count of who does what, like favours are owed (re going to football or seeing mates) You're both adults and allowed to have a social life and hobbies. It's all too easy to become reliant on one person and make them your focus. It's clingy behaviour, and having that sort of flounce in front of his friends, doesn't portray you in a particularly good light. It makes you look controlling and child like. I'm with bluntness and polly

My red flag with this is this bit though DH announces he's put a couple of quid bet on some football match and it wins/comes good. Has won a few hundred pounds Nah! He's put a bit more than 'a few quid' on the match.

user262728 · 16/04/2017 10:28

Yanbu. If you have little quality time together I too would feel the day had been somewhat tarnished and be upset that a 'better offer' had come along. As a pp mentioned it seems like he sees you as the default parent. I think you need to have a good talk with him op, tell him how you've been feeling a bit lonely at home and why something like this upset you.

JigglyTuff · 16/04/2017 10:29

But they'd decided to go home and have a takeaway. Then the friend comes along and that plan is out the window. And the OP has no choice because someone has to go home and look after their baby. And surprise, surprise it's the mum. Hmm

Would some of you really be happy if you were out with a mate, decided to go back to her house with a takeaway and then another friend shipped up and your friend decided she'd rather go out to a club with her instead? Doubt it. Or is it just okay because she's his wife - oh sorry, ball and chain?

HomityBabbityPie · 16/04/2017 10:30

Agree completely jiggly

Lots of "cool wives" here.

disappearingfish · 16/04/2017 10:31

So spending 3pm - 6m with her husband is being over reliant. Hmm

There are a lot of posters on this thread determined to twist OP's posts to fit their own narrative.

magoria · 16/04/2017 10:32

Great he managed to get what he want.

An evening out without the ball and chain, a lie in and not look after his own child when it is his turn and thinks an apology a few hours later makes up for it.

Explain in detail how shitty he behaved and that you expect better going forwards.

Wait and see his actions from now on not his words.

WhisperingLoudly · 16/04/2017 10:35

There's a massive difference between being independent and enjoying your own company v rolling over and behaving like a doormat when your husband dumps you after you've made plans.

I'm astonished at how low some women's expectations are

AlcoholAndIrony · 16/04/2017 10:35

At least he's seen it wasn't right and hopefully he won't make a habit of it.

He really needs to plan more quality family time then, and he should've told his mate no.

GolderAndWiser · 16/04/2017 10:36

you'd have to be very 'cool' to not care about being dumped mid night out!

BeaveredBadgered · 16/04/2017 10:38

YANBU at all. Fair enough if the plan had always been for your DH to go out with his friend for the evening but he treated you badly and disregarded you thinking he'd say sorry today to smooth things over.

I'd get some plans made to see your friends and enjoy yourself to rebalance things a little.

pigeondujour · 16/04/2017 10:39

Apologised now AFTER he's had his selfish night out and not got up with the baby and knows he's facing a day in the doghouse. Win win for him innit.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/04/2017 10:42

It's just shitty to be out with someone, only to be told to go home because essentially they've had a better offer!

It's not like it was a random meeting - he text his mate on purpose and got him to show up so that OP couldn't do anything without causing a massive scene in the pub.

I'm surprised at how many people would be happy with this. It's basically saying "Oh, Dave is here now and I'd rather hang out with him than you, so off you go!"

Tumtitum · 16/04/2017 10:43

Also going against the grain here... this is something my DH would do, albeit it probably in a more respectful way, i.e. wouldn't have involved the friend, wouldn't have ignored me once friend had arrived. And may have agreed to come home at a reasonable time as up with DD in the morning (I say may as sometimes gets carried away!!) I can understand why you were upset though. Even if I agreed I still would probably be a bit pissed off, definitely would be pissed off at him staying out late and getting hammered, and mostly pissed off that he'd probably just blown all of his winnings! Why don't you arrange to go out this afternoon and leave him with DD, despite his hangover?

pictish · 16/04/2017 10:45

And 'cool husbands' too it would seem...if that's what having a different perspective on this makes us.
If the OP's dh is a selfish pig then that's what the problem is. My dh isn't one so in the same circumstances, I wouldn't mind him staying out and vice versa. I haven't been rude about it so I don't know why you feel the need to be scathing. Piss off.

pictish · 16/04/2017 10:52

"I don't fucking believe the martyrs and man child apologists on this thread. You must have some pretty low expectations of the relationships in your life."

On the contrary, I am secure in my dh's commitment to his family so I'm not in the slightest bit put out by him wanting to do something else.