Dumped by husband

[MancMama]

I'm an avid MN reader but never posted.

Bit of back story: been with DH for 10 years, married for 18mths. Had 1st baby 9 mths ago - DD. She's a brilliant baby, eats, sleeps, sociable. However I've been struggling with the isolation of being home a lot more, not going out and seeing friends. Generally feeling a bit lonely. And 2 of my closest friends have pretty much excluded me from their lives.

So the AIBU but also WWYD bit is this (& please be honest but kind if I'm just being pathetic)... yesterday, went out with DH and DD for a walk/fresh air and for some very rare time when it's just the 3 of us doing 'something' and spending quality time together. Nipped into local pub for drink and feed DD, and DH announces he's put a couple of quid bet on some football match and it wins/comes good. Has won a few hundred pounds. Buys us some fizz to celebrate. Having a fab time. After drinks, head out to another place that does drinks but also food. Starts discussing dinner and decide on takeaway as DD is getting tired and it's nearly her bedtime.

Then he gets a message from a friend who asks to join us. DH then says (in a joking but serious can I sort of way) could he stay out with friend and I take DD home. I say that's not fair or nice on me and I wouldn't do that to him. He doesn't respond but carries on chatting/playing with DD. Friend turns up and within 5 mins asks if DH can stay out (obviously been texting each other). Both then start laughing, chatting, etc but ignore me and DD. DH then asks in front of friend that he wants to stay out and will pay for me to a taxi home. Friend says go on 'mum, release the ball and chain). I've never stopped DH going out or doing anything in fact. I'm pretty laid back. Probably a pushover! By now I'm fed up, upset and annoyed. I feel our lovely afternoon and evening spending some quality time together has been spoilt and I've been sent home and dismissed like some 1950s housewife or even secretary. I go home (& walk because I don't want his bloody money).

At home, I put DD to bed and go to bed myself crying. DH comes home hours later (gone midnight) and is so drunk he falls asleep on couch! Good!

His turn to get DD up (7am) and breakfast this morn - doesn't cos he's hungover. Asks why I'm upset! Then says I'm ruining his fun. I never let him go out and see friends! (Btw he goes football every week and since DD has had 4 times as many nights out that me - I've counted). He says I'm being unreasonable. I'm fed up. I feel hurt and rejected. Am I being unreasonable? Please help me MN!

Thanks everyone. I didn't want to be a party pooper or seem like I'm being demanding. I have no problem with him going out. It's just the way he did it and the fact that we were out and seemingly enjoying ourselves. I was looking forward to spending time with him as we don't have much time together these days because of DD.

Yes friend is single. And no kids.

I am going back to work and I do have time for myself and nights out with other friends just not as much as before obviously.

You've all hit the nail on the head - he's a selfish man-child. I don't think he's fully accepted that having a child means occasional sacrifices. He should've said no to friend and arranged another time with him (which I have no problem with).

I'm more angry this morning so his hangover is due to get a lot worse!

And yes, I'm going out next Friday. Just sorted with a friend about 5 mins ago! So hurrah!

The issue of him staying out while I went home wouldn't have been a problem for me under the same circumstances. A nice day had been had and all that was happening after that was a Chinese and bed...I'd have gone home and had a scoff and put dd to bed while dh stayed out.

I don't think it should be about "sacrifices".

I think what's hurtful is that he would rather see the friend then finish the family day out. That he sees OP as a ball and chain stopping him from having fun.

Someone who was enjoying their day out would have texted the friend back and said. "Sorry mate, can't tonight, got plans. How's next week."

The issues are:

• thinking it's appropriate to interrupt the day by going off with friend.

• asking in front of friend, putting OP in an uncomfortable position.

• not challenging friend when he made crappy comment about ball and chain.

• assuming OP would be the default parent.

• getting drunk and being hungover the next day.

If this is a one off then he should be sheepish and apologetic. If it's a pattern of entitled behaviour he needs to understand how completely damaging it is to the relationship.

The way he went about it wasn't nice and there's no excuse but I wouldn't have had a problem with him going out TBH.

Sorry but as a single parent I think YABU.

He did the family bit very well and then got an opportunity to go with a mate. Big deal. If you had been out and your friend asked you to go for drinks you'd have said no would you?
I understand if he'd abandoned you all weekend all something but having a life means you still get to do things you want to.

I think the problem is you don't do much.
Blame him if you want but until you get other friends and interests this won't go away. A few years down the line you'll be all resentful and he'll be fed up up it and you'll both wonder where it went wrong.

It wouldn't have bothered me at all tbh. You had no plans - takeaway and putting the baby to bed is hardly a specific plan. Nor do you need to go out next week just to get your own back. Sometimes the immature suggestions on this site amaze me.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable and I wouldn't have been restrained to the friend at the ball and chain point. Unfuckingbelievable.

Sorry but I'm with Bluntness.

You come over as a bit immature and clingy.

You'd had time as a family that day so what's the issue with your DH spending time with a friend too?

The crux of this is that you don't have enough friends and have begun to rely on your DH and child for company.

Crying over something so tiny is really OTT - FGS!

The 'being sent home like a1950s housewife' is all in your mind- it's your interpretation of it, coming from the fact you are lonely.

If you carry on clinging to your DH like this he will resent it.

You should have waved him off and told him to have fun. The only part where I agree with you is he should still have got up at the agreed time and seen to your DD. he can have fun but not shirk his role as a dad. Coming home drunk wasn't sensible- a few drinks, come home sober, get up at normal time to see DD- that's all ok to me.

Amperoblue Yep. Agreed.

I think you were a bit unreasonable - you had had a lovely day out, and were about to finish the day and just have a night in with a takeaway - not really a specific plan. It would have been different if you had planned to go out to dinner that evening and he had ditched the plan to go out with his mates, but it wasn't as if you had been looking forward to having a night in with a takeaway for ages.

The fun should be yr dd and you..I bet he spent that win on his friend..that should of been a nice weekend away with that money...show him this thread and let him see how many people think he's a child in a mans body

I too would have expected to have enjoyed a celebratory evening with my DH, after our daughter had gone to bed, especially after our lovely afternoon together.
Is he very young ? You shouldn't have to wait, either for your baby, and most certainly not your DH, to grow up.
Infact OP, tell him to 'Man up'. 😡

I don't fucking believe the martyrs and man child apologists on this thread. You must have some pretty low expectations of the relationships in your life.

OP's partner has graciously deigned to suffer the company of his family for 2/3s of a day, of course he absolutely must be encouraged to go and get hammered with his mate.

Even without the back story this is unacceptable behaviour.

If you were on a date with a guy and part way through his friend showed up and said they wanted to ditch you, would it be acceptable? No. It's even worse when you are in a relationship with a baby.

Ffs, what a shit he was. He knew you weren't happy with him suddenly changing his plans to exclude you and big fat did it anyway.

His utter disregard is hugely damaging.

And his behaviour is hugely unattractive. He needs to know this.

The fun would have been her for the evening if she went out more during the week though. If the Op is there every night regardless, doing something with his friend will of course be more interesting.

If you don't want to be thought of like a 1950's housewife, don't act like one. I seriously thought women had moved on a bit and weren't expecting their partners to provide " their world".

some of your so called " friends" sound awful

I think the issues here are that you're both adjusting to family life.

Your friends are excluding you? Get them round or get some new friends. Go to some mum and baby groups, not just to socialise DD but to get some mummy friends. Honestly, I think this will help.

There seems to be a bit of one upmanship suggested, which is a shame but I do think that you need to get out there and live and have a bit of you time.

I also think family time needs a shake up. Maybe at the weekend you can have a nice walk and a lunch. And the actually take turns in putting DD to bed/getting up with her.

It ok to feel upset because DH wanted to stay out and sent you home but it's not ok not to talk about why you're annoyed or take steps to change it. Tell him you feel isolated. Tell him you are lonely. And tell him when it's his turn to get up with baby he needs to be fit to do it.

No fish...I'm independent and capable of being content in my own company. My dh wanting to stay out to catch up with his friend wouldn't make me feel 'dumped'.
If the tables were turned he'd trot off home quite happily as well.

There's always two sides to every story, sometimes three. Looking at myself, my wife and I both have healthy independent social lives as well as lots of time together. I would never arrange anything for myself without checking with her first, not for permission as such but to make sure it didn't conflict with anything she had in mind. I think the biggest wrong in your scenario OP was that your partner disregarded your wishes and cracked on with his plans regardless. That said, if the backstory happens to be that you are overly dependent and possesive of his company (not that I'm saying you are) his behaviour may be born of frustration. Ultimately though, the two of you need to talk like adults and agree a fair way to work out how you can enjoy life together and still have personal freedom to do your own things.

I'd be pissed off OP and I don't have kids. By the time we've agreed to takeaway and a movie or whatever, that's a plan. It's not immutable, but I wouldn't expect DP's mates to be asking him for a 'pass' - that's just rude. If DP himself says 'x has come up, can we do y tomorrow' that's different (and not leaving me with any extra responsibilities) but tbh once we've agreed to spending a day doing something specific together we probably wouldn't change it outside of a real exception or emergency.

He acted poorly. If he'd arranged an evening with you he shouldn't have then changed his mind when he got a better offer and he shouldn't have got his wee pal along to mither on his behalf about going out. It's proper dickhead behaviour.

So much depends on your usual relationship. Dh and I spend a lot of time together as neither of us work long hours, and we both work part time to be with the kids who are home ed. He rarely goes out, rarely drinks etc so I would have encouraged him to socialise and gone home. I maybe maybe would even have let him have the lie in, though I suspect he would insist on getting up. BUT...He is hugely hands on and a very equal parent and partner. Were he not, then I can imagine feeling much like you do.

I would have made him get up tbh, he gets hammered? He suffers the next day

@pictish if you read my post of 9.29 you will see what I think the issues are. OP's DH didn't treat her as a equal in this situation. He engineered the situation so that she had no choice but to either cause a scene or let him go. Meaning she was in sole charge of the baby, again. And he got drunk and was too hung over to do his usual morning with the baby, assuming (without asking) that OP would just step up. That's the issue, not that OP needs her DH for entertainment or that she's in some way incapable of being in her own company.

It's not a competition to see who can do without their partners the most.