To elicit not to have children due to fair to medium chance of an early death

[ThatsJustHowIFeel]

Unfortunately our family line has two diseases in it which both claim people young. To my knowledge no one has survived beyond the age of 75.

I am 36 nearly 37

Of course I am 'over' the loss of my parents. But the loneliness, the difference and disconnect from my peers - are hard.

I always thought I'd like to be a mother but AIBU to consider this is perhaps selfish given I probably wouldn't live beyond their 30s?

My Dads family have a short life expectancy - my grandfather and my Dad died aged 54 (I was 18 when dad died and I have two younger siblings), my Grandmother was in her late 30's. My mum is better her parents lived till their 70s/ early 80s, mum is still relatively healthy in her 60s.

It had no bearing on my decision to have children. I expect to live longer than the previous generations - allowing for accidents.

This is a hard one. As a mother the one thing that fills me with dread is leaving my kids when they're young and the impact it would have on them if I did

As posters have said no one knows what's around the corner but you, in a way do a bit. Personally, and this is just my opinion, I'm not I would have kids in your situation. Doesn't make my opinion right or wrong btw it's just my view but I really sympathise with you. Good luck whatever you decide op

My mum died when I was 26 and my sister was 25. She knew when she got pregnant that there was a good chance her lifespan would be curtailed. Those 26 years with her were amazing, and the grief was easier to deal with because we'd been (subtly but honestly) prepared.

I was seriously ill when my kids were 3 and 5 and I was so frightened for them. And then I very nearly died when they were 14 and 16. That was not so bad. By that I mean I thought they would be better able to cope.
Thankfully I'm still here and although I never want to leave them but of course one day I will.
All you can do is hope for the best.
My mum is 73 and very ill and I still don't want to lose her.

I have a surgical condition which means it can be life threatening, nearly died when the DC were 2 and 4. I have thought, as long as I'm OK till they are 18 that is the main thing. I know that sounds awful, but really it was my aim. To get them to adulthood. That is the main thing. Also they have DH as well.

I would gather some more information, if you haven't already. There are some cancers which are clearly heritable eg some breast and ovarian cancers with the brca gene (although in that case many with the gene choose preventative surgery), but other cancers will have a much weaker and less predictable generic component and lifestyle factors and luck will be more relevant.

Of course in either case detection and treatment may have come a long way now, and you may warrant extra screening given your family history.

Have the affected members of your family all had the same type of cancer? If you are willing to share more details posters may be able to advise?

but if you wanted children and knew that death was likely to be early why did you leave it as late?.

Because life often does not pan out in the way we want, I wanted children much earlier than I actually had them as I didn't meet someone I could have children with until I was 27, he was younger than me and not ready when I was and then I had difficulty conceiving.

I don't understand why you could not understand why the the ops life might not have worked out the way she wanted it to?

Yes, life is not always predictable. We can worry about cancer and then have an accident, or maybe never even get the cancer.

And there are people who get cancer young with no family history. I know a few parents like this at the DC's primary school, children around 6 to 10. It is not a particularly large school, but I know of at least 4 mums and two dads with cancer, in different stages. sadly.

I'm digressing because I'm trying to explain how different it is to someone in their twenties very sadly losing one parent. That's awful, it's heartbreaking and you have my compassion. But it is not the same as what I went through and that's why I worry so about potentially putting any future children through it

It sounds like you are indulging in a grief competition and its quite offensive to tell people that yours is worse than theirs.
I lost one parent as a child and one as an adult, so I'm qualified to say so. It's incredibly unfair to tell people that your loss is worse than theirs, you have no way of knowing how anyone else feels. How would you feel if I said mine was worse than yours because at least you got the house and there was insurance, and I got nothing? You wouldn't, but I would never dream of saying so, it would be rude, offensive and inaccurate.

That's really not what I was trying to do, Nabobs and I am sorry if it came across like that.

However, I have had numerous posts telling me that in essence it should be the case that while it was sad, I should be over it and if I am not I am flawed in some way/need counselling.

I disagree. I am over it. I don't talk about them, other than to casually say 'oh, they died a while ago' if someone asks, I live a normal life.

But inside of me I know that something is damaged and always will be. (Please do NOT tell me I need counselling, anybody!)

I am genuinely pleased for those who have emerged unscathed but my reasoning on this is, I feel, fairly sound even if you disagree with me.

I understand your feeling of loss but please please, don't avoid living your life to the full because of something that might - or might not - happen.

Would you rather that you had never existed than to have lost your parents when you did? Life brings grief; grief shouldn't prevent life from being lived.

You're still doing it. "emerged unscathed"? Again, really insensitive, who do you think comes out of it completely fine? No-one. It just becomes part of your life, in whatever way you deal, but it changes you.

Own your own feelings, sure, but stop comparing them to others.

FFS.

I have tried to be polite here but I would suggest if someone's dilemma (which has nothing to do with you) annoys you this much, leave it.

I am sorry you lost your parents.

I lost mine and we feel differently.

That is NOT saying your feelings are wrong or that mine are. You are the one who has decided this is a competition, not me.

Now as you know I did not say that and I was explaining why losing a parent as a child can differ quite dramatically to losing a parent as an adult.

I have to admit I am typing this wondering why on earth I have been attacked on this thread.

Clearly it was not a thread about the decisions others make but ones personal to me. Had I said that it was wrong to have children if you might die young I could understand the responses.

I can't believe how mean and insensitive some people have been. I think your worries are totally justified and understandable, but I think that you may be so afraid after suffering lots of pain and loss that you are not living your own life in a fulfilling and happy way. In your position I would have children if I wanted to and try and hope for a happy future. I have a child with a life limiting illness so I do understand some of the things you feel. Good luck.

I understand. My father died just before I was sixteen. It has affected my whole life, I'm only coming to understand that now.
Now being...50 (single) with kids aged 18, 20 and 22 and heartbroken because my 85 year old mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. The bottom has fallen out of my world and I know much of what I'm feeling is the fifteen year old reacting.
When I turned 35 I became very anxious and paranoid about my own health and leaving my kids without a mother. It was a terrible anxiety for me because I understood all too well what it was like to lose a parent as a child.
If you are experiencing that anxiety before having any children...I understand. You want to spare them that pain. If other people don't get it, it doesn't really matter. You do what's right for your life. If you change your mind, that's fine too.

Nab people were being cunts to the op which is why she said the things she did.
You attacking her is not helpful. Everyone deals with grief differently, noones saying it's a comparison just that we are all different.
My sisters for example. All same situation yet only 2 out of the 3 needed counselling. Middle sis seems relatively unscathed but that's not to say she loved them less

Im sorry thats

I was on your thread earlier and made a comment which was fine but when your second post came saying how it had impacted you losing them so young i really didnt know what to say so didnt say anything

That was cowardly of me and I apologise

But i still dont know what to say anything i say is just words and not going to help.

Your feelings of grief are your own and there is no reason why you should have to 'get over' it

You sound lovely...from a few posts on an internet website and whatever you decide to do will be the right thing

But can i just say...and i hope this is ok....ignore me if its not im just some random with a keyboard. That if i knew i was going to die tomorrow my children are the last thing i would regret doing...they are fucking awesome

Take care

In answer your original question, OP, no I don't think it would be selfish for you to become a mother in just the same way that it wouldn't be selfish for you not to become a mother. I elected not to become a mother for no reason at all!

If you are happy with whatever decision you make, OP, you don't need to second-guess yourself at all.

Why would your hypothetical child lose both parents 'young'?

I lost my dad last year when I was 34. I do still have my mum but she's mid 70s and doesn't keep especially well. I don't wish I hadn't been born.

There wouldn't be another parent. Only me.

"So I think I will not have children although I will look into genetic counselling. One thing I will concede is that I am possibly frightened about the vulnerability of loving them so much and having to leave them."

Yes, definitely have the genetic counselling, OP. And obviously it's up to you whether you have children but I think you are wrong (in the nicest possible way) to decide not to have them on the basis you might die young. I think everyone who has lost a parent young fears dying at the same age, especially if it's their same-sex parent. That's not a rational fear, it's an instinctive one that comes from somewhere deep inside. You shouldn't set any store by it. Second, unless there is a strong genetic basis for the cancer, there is no reason why you should get it too - and if there is a genetic basis, there might be something you can do about it. Finally, outcomes for cancer are much much better than they used to be years ago.

Imagine if you get to 80 and think, "I could have had children after all."

ThatsJustHowIFeel I'm a bit late to this but I have to say I find it very moving how you right about the discombobulation of being a young adult with no parents and wish I could have had you round for Christmas dinner that year.

I have a friend who lost both parents as a young adult and when she was going through that, I felt so ill-equipped to help her and be a comfort because I had two young, fit, action-packed parents and was so far off the grief she was going through.
We did have an interesting chat when we had our own children though. I think we both had quite strict upbringings and when we both had children, my friend and I agreed that having our own children and experiencing what I can only express as the absolute giddyness and rush of love for them, we both kind of went: 'wow our parents must have had this too'. I think this was actually a comfort for my friend and it certainly made me think about the love in my own upbringing, which, in the 70s, perhaps wasn't expressed as explicitly as it is nowadays.
And for what it's worth from a stranger on the internet, you sound like you would be the kind of parent who understands how important it is to make the most of the here and now.

write not right (aaarrrggghhhh)