To elicit not to have children due to fair to medium chance of an early death

[ThatsJustHowIFeel]

Unfortunately our family line has two diseases in it which both claim people young. To my knowledge no one has survived beyond the age of 75.

I am 36 nearly 37

Of course I am 'over' the loss of my parents. But the loneliness, the difference and disconnect from my peers - are hard.

I always thought I'd like to be a mother but AIBU to consider this is perhaps selfish given I probably wouldn't live beyond their 30s?

I think that you are being brave in considering this. I understand that you are worried about the possibilities that your children will die young and that you may also leave them motherless at an early age. The thing is none of us know what is going to happen and your children may inherit healthy genes from their father - and medical advances are happening all the time, so there may be a treatment or a cure by the time your children are born/grown up. I agree that you should ask about genetic counselling as it may clarify things for you.

As for Saucyjack's response I find it bizarre and, frankly, rude. They have obviously misunderstood your original post

Hope things work out for you

My friend's husband lost his mum to cancer when he was in his teens. They married very young & he hadn't discussed with my friend that he'd never have children, in case he died & left them bereaved when still dependent.

Several years later when she was broody, it put a real strain on the marriage but eventually he realised he wanted his wife's happiness more than he wanted to avoid a possible early upset to any children.

Their daughter is now in her twenties & both parents are fit & well in their 50s.

One of the reasons I've decided not to have children is because of the state of my family's gene pool. It's not about me dying early (which I almost certainly will as I've been T1 diabetic since age 10) but about my children suffering from all the inheritable diseases I carry.

So I completely understand.

I don't think you sound arrogant or melodramatic. You experienced the loss of your mother while you were still a child, of course it shapes your thinking about what you would want for your children.

But life is for living. You could choose to have children, and give them the best, most love-filled, most supportive years you can. (And before anyone says that that's what we all do, no, it isn't. Too often this phone call, or the laundry, or that meeting, is important.) Or you could choose not to have children, and to throw all the energy into your profession, or your hobby, or into being the best, most coolest auntie ever.

But never second-guess yourself. It's your decision, and nobody has the right to judge.

None of us know how long we will live. We could have strong genes but die young in an accident.

Many people with short lives have helped changed the world in that time!

Died in her 60s
Emmeline Pankhurst (née Goulden; 15 July 1858 – 14 June 1928) was a British political activist and leader of the British suffragette movement who helped women win the right to vote

Died in his 30s
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (35) (1756 – 1791) Composing from the age of 6, Mozart was a musical genius and one of the greatest classical composers of all time

Died in his 30s
Martin Luther King (39) (1929 – 1968) – American civil rights campaigner. Martin Luther King led the non-violent civil rights movement being at the forefront of the sweeping social change of the 1960s.

Died in her 30s
Eva Peron (33) (1919-1952) – First lady of Argentina. Peron campaigned for both the poor and for the extension of women’s rights

Died in his 20s
John Keats (26) – (1795 – 1821) English Romantic Poet, best known for his Odes, such as Ode to a Nightingale, Endymion.

Died in his 20s
Wilfred Owen. (25) (1893 – 1918) Celebrated war poet. In poems, such as ”Anthem for Doomed Youth” – he vividly described the horrors of trench warfare and the misplaced loyalties of patriotism.

Died at 15
Anne Frank (15) (1929 – 1945) Dutch-Jewish diarist. Known for her diary ‘Anne Frank‘ Published after her death recalling life hiding from Gestapo.

I don't think you are arrogant at all. It is true that lots of people die young but they don't often know this may be the case when considering whether to have children in the first place.

I think it's just another thing to add to the mix - can you afford to pay for a child at the moment, are you prepared to change your life style being two others. I see plenty of threads on MN about how parents should have thought things through before having a child.

Another thing to consider is how your illness would affect the family- how well would you be if the illness does begin to affect you. If someone with your illness dies about age 60 what is their life like before that - do they spend a lot of time in hospital or having treatment at home?

I have a genetic illness though not life shortening. Could probably be screened out so wouldn't pass on. Through circumstances I've never been in a position to need to make the choice (never met the person I wanted to have children with or to use any kind of fertility treatment to be a single parent.) I would have thought very hard about it as my disability may mean that I become less mobile. Someone will need to look after me and I'm not sure I'd want that. Not exactly feeling a burden just want my child to have more choices. (I know a lot of people have no choice and this happens in families and children cope well, but I know in advance.)

I am glad you are here, OP. The fact we can have this discussion - we couldn't have that if your parents had not made the discussion to have you.

I wonder if you could find some Young Adult Orphan support sites? Talking to people who really understand your position could help you. You may have more stuff to process than you are aware of.

We live in deeds, not years: in thoughts, not breaths;
In feelings, not in figures on a dial.
We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives
Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.

Philip James Bailey, Festus (1839), scene A Country Town.

I thought you meant you would die in your thirties as well.

You will probably live to see them become adults.

Or you could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Don't have children if you do not want to but this is a minor consideration

What do you fear you will die from? I still think being alive to rear your children into adulthood is an unselfish choice. Would they inherit your condition?

No history of illnesses in our family, my paternal grandmother died at 46 (she did have 10 children in 16 years so probably passes from exhaustion!) paternal grandfather was in his 90's. Maturnal grandmother/father died at 60 & 67 respectively, grandfather less than a year after grandmother. My first cousin died at 6 days, my brother at 13 both from the same (non hereditary) heart problem (cousins younger sisters son has the same problem but is very healthy) my boyfriend died suddenly at 36, healthy non drinker/smoker, coroner hesitant to write anything down but verbally said epileptic seizure. People die, it's the way of life unfortunately. Just love them as much as you can, while you can.

I don't think it's necessarily a reason to not have children. I'm 23 and my dad just died suddenly (aged 53) even without a history of premature death. The true is no one knows when they are going to die!

You're not arrogant (but SaucyJack's post is a bit)

I understand for a different reason, my DS has aspergers and SEN and is 18 this year, a very long way from being independent (if he ever will be) and I'm 45 this year. My anxiety over me shuffling off this mortal coil and leaving him destroys me, even if it happened when he was in his 50's. I've had some CBT for it but it's still hard. I've always been a single parent and have no other kids so he's got no sbilings and his only 2 cousins live 200 miles away.

But as others have said, you don't know what's going to happen in life. You really could live longer than you think (could be advances in medical science?) of you could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

It's a hard decision for you. I feel for you

Anything can happen at any time. I had my dd at 43. My step daughters mum had her at 22 and now has motor neurone disease at 45.

You can only make your decisions for yourself

Having read your updates, I can see better where you're coming from. Losing a parent in your teens can be devastating. Life - and death - are unknowable but it's brave of you to think about it.

I think all you can do is get as much information about your condition as you can, including genetic counselling if possible, and make the choice that feels right for you. Good luck.

I can understand where you're coming from. Of course having lost both parents (including your mother when you were so young) must have affected you enormously.

The fact that you don't mention a specific condition makes me wonder whether there is one, or whether it's just coincidence that you've suffered these losses (but perhaps from different causes).

If it's something genetic or hereditary, by all means seek genetic counselling, which might be able to give you more specific information about the chances of passing the condition(s) down. Also, do you know you definitely share it? Presumably your partner doesn't, so that is a big positive that can reduce the risk substantially (to zero if you are able to get screening for unaffected embryos).

It might also just be a general sense that your family die young, and the fact that your decision about having children is bringing back painful emotions about your own losses.

It's not at all strange to find stuff from your childhood/past coming back in adult lift, particularly when you start to think about having children yourself. You might benefit from help from a counsellor or psychotherapist in thinking through the issues at play and coming to a decision.

My mum died at 54 and her mum at 60

I do not fancy my chances

I have three children....just want to spread the awesome

Your children could be anything...do anything

If i died early i would feel devastated to leave them but by god have i had a wonderful time with them so far

Very best of luck with whatever you decide to do

Whatever the decision it will be the right one

I lost both parents by the time I was 12. As I got closer to the age my mum in particular was (33) when she died, and DS being the same age I was (10), I worried about dropping dead and how much my DS would remember of me, how he would cope, etc. I know I go overboard with the "I love yous", etc. and it all stems from my parents, mum especially, leaving for work and never coming home, and me not knowing if I got an I love you" as she left. It does break my heart to think of leaving him in those circumstances. I know it's a hole that can't ever be filled, but I know my ex and my family would get him through it.

Rightly or wrongly, selfishly or otherwise, having my DS helped to heal me in a way I didn't know I needed until I had him.

I'm sure you will make the right choice for you, but if having children will make you happier, don't deny yourself that out of fear. Imagine you live to be 90, and the regret you might feel. Is that any better?

What is the illness? Or is it just a matter of age? If the first you will get genetic screening on the NHS. If the latter YABU and need to get some perspective.

Any of us can die at any time. We don't know. Any one of us could leave our children at a young age.
There is a chance you could live to 75. Why focus on an early death?
My mother was 58. I was 25 at that time...an adult. I wasn't dependant on her. She brought me up to be responsible and stand on my own two feet, which is what we should all do for our children.
It is your decision but I think you are being negative. Children do survive and go forward even if they lose a parent early.

I think you sound caring and thoughtful, OP. Not the other things.

Your outlook is better than mine if you take my family history into account. My mum is 67 and she has outlived all my grandparents and my dad by quite some years age wise. Also her own brother. I have 3 children. To be honest it didn't really cross my mind in terms of deciding whether to have children. I do often think about how young my dad was when he died. He was 47. I was (the youngest child of 3) 19. If I were to die at 47 my youngest would be 11. But really I can't live my life expecting to die young. I might, that's true but I may not. I'd consider reaching 75 a bit if an achievement!

Huh? What a bizarre idea.

My Dad died at 54 when I was 22. It's the worst thing I've ever been through but I don't think it was any worse for me at 22 than it would be at 32, 42 or 52. The tragedy was that he didn't get to live a full life. As it happens, his death wasn't genetically predictable but, even if it had been, it would have been no reason for my parents to deny me an existence! Everyone has to go through losing their parents and it's a terrible experience. But, those whose parents die when they are still children excepted, it's not made any worse by the age at which you experience it.

I had a few years of feeling a little weird about'old' (50+) people getting upset when their parents died. I thought they should just 'get over it' because they had got to have their parents for a full lifetime so shouldn't be so upset. But then I realised that it makes no difference. Grief is grief whenever you have to experience it.

The op is saying 75 would be a good outcome. Likelihood is younger.
op I'm sorry this thread has upset you. While being lucky enough to not have experience of this I do get where you're coming from and you are not being melodramatic.
And yes, people die at all ages. The risk for an individual still varies from person to person though.