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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To elicit not to have children due to fair to medium chance of an early death

128 replies

ThatsJustHowIFeel · 15/04/2017 10:48

Unfortunately our family line has two diseases in it which both claim people young. To my knowledge no one has survived beyond the age of 75.

I am 36 nearly 37

Of course I am 'over' the loss of my parents. But the loneliness, the difference and disconnect from my peers - are hard.

I always thought I'd like to be a mother but AIBU to consider this is perhaps selfish given I probably wouldn't live beyond their 30s?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/04/2017 11:01

My mother died when I was in my early twenties, my father when I was in my forties.

He at least got to see his grandchildren. I've coped.

Is it a certainty that you would pass the diseases on? And is there a danger that your children would have to care for you too?

Original poster
ThatsJustHowIFeel · 15/04/2017 11:02

Yes I've coped too but it's been a lonely and difficult road to coping.

I suppose like anyone else I want better for my children :) I'm sorry if that makes me sound arrogant. I'll leave the thread now as to my surprise it's upset me ambit!

OP posts:
Kennethwasmyfriend · 15/04/2017 11:03

Though since you feel this way it is odd to be thinking of dcs at 36, instead of at 26.

Kennethwasmyfriend · 15/04/2017 11:04

Crosspost. Surround your dcs with people who love them. Seek medical advice - things change all the time.

Trills · 15/04/2017 11:04

Is there actually a history of inheritable disease?

Or are you just looking at the ages?

Original poster
ThatsJustHowIFeel · 15/04/2017 11:04

If I'd been with someone at 26, I would have :)

OP posts:
Floisme · 15/04/2017 11:06

It's not so long ago that the average lifespan was 40-something so presumably losing your parents at a young age used to be the norm. If everyone had followed your line of thinking then the human race would have died out.

If you were likely to die before your children reached adulthood then I might think differently.

Best of luck.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 15/04/2017 11:08

I've lost several friends in their 40's and 50's already to cancer and other diseases. There is no guarantee of a long life whoever you are.

Cel982 · 15/04/2017 11:09

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. But personally no, I wouldn't let this stop me having a family. I'm in my 30s now and, while obviously I would be very sad to lose either of my parents, I don't 'need' them in the same way I did when I was a teenager. The future is never certain, but if you really want children, and are in good health now, go for it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/04/2017 11:14

No man so far in my family has survived past 60 so 75 feels like a very good age to me.
I lost parents at 30 and my only sibling at 31. It didnt stop me.

You cant let it stop you. You are better off than countless others.

Original poster
ThatsJustHowIFeel · 15/04/2017 11:15

What I'm trying to explain is there's a really strong chance that I would die when they were teens / early twenties. Sorry my fault for not being clear. My own mum died at 49. I was 13.

OP posts:
Andromache77 · 15/04/2017 11:15

Of course you're getting a lot of "go for it, we all die in the end" answers. Fair enough when there's nothing specific but trust me, if you have one (or in your case two) specific conditions that might be avoided with modern scientific methods, the fatalistic approach doesn't make any sense.

In my case, I got a shed load of "it's not so bad", "what will be will be" and the crown piece of shit advice "but you can't avoid everything". So if I can't avoid every disease for my baby, I guess that I should just resign myself and leave it all to fate or God or the Big Spaghetti Monster, and forget about an actual technique that guarantees that my baby will definitely not get the disease that has sent most of my paternal family to an early grave (after years of shit health and multiple complications, plus the minor detail that there is no treatment for it).

Well, sorry, but no, I'll take what science can do for my baby (not for me, because as I said there is no treatment). In the end it turned out that I was also infertile (totally unrelated, I'm just lucky like that) so had to resort to donor eggs anyway, which incidentally is the option you still have if PGS isn't available or doesn't work out for you.

My baby will grow up without my disease and yes, that makes me VERY happy. Best (shed load) of money spent in my life, without question.

LottieDoubtie · 15/04/2017 11:19

In the nicest possible way OP, whilst losing your parents young was a hard and dreadful thing to have happened in your life, it doesn't mean that your life is not worth living now does it?

Which is basically what you are saying - I won't have children because losing a parent young would be so awful it would be better for them not to live at all.

PurpleDaisies · 15/04/2017 11:19

Is there actually a history of inheritable disease?

Or are you just looking at the ages?

This is a really good question. What are the diseases?

Original poster
ThatsJustHowIFeel · 15/04/2017 11:23

Lottie

In some ways, yes. It continues to affect me. The loss of my mother was pretty harrowing, and I have had counselling but ultimately she was still dead and I was still alone.

I don't by the way go on about it (I think most people I know have forgotten I even had a mother!) but to knowingly put a child through that isn't something I'm sure about.

OP posts:
Stopyourhavering · 15/04/2017 11:25

What is the illness.....Children would inherit genetics from both parents, so just because your family has history of early death, partner may not
My dad died when I was 20( he was 70), but mum lived till 84.... don't think they thought of dying and leaving me an orphan when I was conceived!

Original poster
ThatsJustHowIFeel · 15/04/2017 11:26

I don't know that people do think of it until they experience it :)

OP posts:
Daisydots · 15/04/2017 11:27

I think that if you can be sure to see your children through their childhood then of course you should have children if you want them.
Providing its not something genetic you can pass on to them which will affect their lives as PPs have said.

I agree that people lose parents at all ages, and in my case my father is still alive but I never see him and he's horrible. Much better to be a wonderful parent for the amount of time you have than not at all.

trulybadlydeeply · 15/04/2017 11:27

Please get genetic counselling around this. If they are inherited conditions and the gene mutation is known, you can be tested for them, if you wish. Likewise an embryo could be tested for these. Even if you carry the gene mutation, there there may be medical advances which can at least lengthen your life expectancy. Even if there is no known genetic mutation, you can still see a geneticist about the suspicions within your family - this is how the genes for early onset dementia were identified, when one woman noticed so many of her family members were affected.

What does your partner feel about this? Presumably he/she stands a reasonable chance of still being around into older age, so any children would not be left alone? Sorry, that sounds really harsh, it's not meant to. However this does need to be a joint decision.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/04/2017 11:30

Are you most worried about passing on a life limiting disease or leaving them orphaned at a young age? These have different considerations and mitigations.

Either way, the advice to request genetic counseling is good and there may be additional steps you can take to quantify your own risks. Also think about what you/partner could put in place to cope with your early death as some concrete plans may help you make a decision.

lljkk · 15/04/2017 11:34

It's fine not to have kids. Except you must have started this thread b/c you are unhappy about no kids. Most of us don't get everything we want in life, so not that unusual to have disappointments, really. Maybe worth getting some counselling to help you feel better about whatever decision you ultimately take. This is your call.

GabsAlot · 15/04/2017 11:34

can u not get ivf for genetic modifying( sorry if thats not corrct) id look into it

i lost my nan mum and uncle all at 57 no genetic defect it can happen with other diseaes

stitchglitched · 15/04/2017 11:38

I lost my Mum when I was under 2, she was 30. Even though her illness wasn't hereditary I suffer severe anxiety about dying whilst my children are young. It led me to be very mentally unwell particularly after the birth of my youngest as at that point I had passed the age my mother was when she died. I wouldn't be without my children but I do wish I didn't have this big black cloud of loss in the background. It's always been there but somehow having children has made it more acute.

Sorry for your losses, I hope that you are able to make the best decision for you.

Original poster
ThatsJustHowIFeel · 15/04/2017 11:42

stitched I just wanted to say thank you for understanding. I was starting to feel a bit like a drama queen Blush

It's very different losing a parent especially a mother as a child to one as an adult, even a young adult.

OP posts:
hollieberrie · 15/04/2017 11:53

OP, i totally get it. This is me exactly. Am 37. Only child and both parents died in their mid 60's. I have a increased risk of similar according to GP. Am very concerned about having kids for this reason. If id met the right person id have done it younger, but now, well, chances are id pass away when they were only in their 20s. I have struggled so much without my parents, i dont think i would want to knowingly inflict that on my future children. Do you have siblings or cousins etc you are close to? That could help with your decision. Flowers for you.