To think I'm not normal about dtd?

[DcQuinn]

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

If you really do love him, perhaps you could do other favors without intercourse to please him.
Sex is important part of a relationship.
The Woman are always saying, "sex isn't everything, sex isn't everything"
NO, It is not "Everything"
But it indeed in an important part of the releationship1

Don't do sex acts just to please your partner unless you actually want to and enjoy it yourself.

There have been some really nasty posts here DcQuinn , don't be bothered by them.
I'm with Italiangreyhound, there is no "normal". There are bound to be stages in your life when you don't want sex: when you've got a small baby, when you're stressed (amongst other times). Not sure if you are breastfeeding but if so this may well have an effect on your libido too. My DH always lost interest when he was stressed at work, and wasn't very interested when I was breastfeeding. I suppose that a lot of this is down to pheromones.

Sex is important part of a relationship.

See this always gets trotted out.
Why is it an important part of a relationship?

Spent most of my late teens, twenties and even thirties feeling exactly this way. My dh used to constantly go in a mood with me over it. Im not sure exactly what changed now that i am in my forties but i definetly have more times when I feel like dtd. The more i seem to do it too, the more it kind of makes you want too. I was on contraceptives for most of my teens - thirties so think they played a huge part. In the early days i could so have lived without it. I had a friend that just couldnt live without it. I used to wonder I didnt feel the same way but i really didnt. You are not alone.

l think the problem with my dh at least was that if i didnt feel like sex he thought i was rejecting him but i wasnt. I just didnt feel like it, much like when you dont feel like chocolate. I still wanted closeness, but not in that way. He always saw it as a rejection, hence the moods. He needed it as confirmation i still loved him, I didnt. I wanted cuddles and closeness.

I feel the same at the moment but we have a one year old who still isn't a very consistent sleeper and we are both knackered. I'm still fat (slowly losing it) with a c section overhang so don't feel attractive at all. And DS uses up so much of my emotional energy I struggle to have enough to have sex with my partner.

I'm hoping this will all level out and get better now. I've never been crazily into sex but pre-DS we would certainly do it a couple of times a week, now it's more like once a month.

I had this - I was even getting really physically uncomfortable with being touched by DH when I forced myself to dtd. I think it must've been hormone related because I went briefly on the pill and then stopped and all of a sudden something shifted and I got my libido back!

It's not raging and we're still only having sex sometimes just once a fortnight, but I can get into it once we start and I don;t feel I want to push him off me the way I used to.

Hormones are bastards.

Gosh. I wish I had a higher sex drive like some of you, but sadly I don't. My OH always says I'm not "normal" he is 15 years older than me (I'm around mid 40's) he would still in an ideal world like sex every few days. When he was my age he wanted it and needed it at least twice a day. I really couldn't cope with his sexual needs. I'm amazed we have been together over 20 years as we aren't sexually compatible. If he goes a week without he gets moody and snaps at us all. I assumed all men were like him.
As for me, I think I could go without forever. I have very little sex drive.
OP everyone is different. But having young children doesn't help.

I think it's an evolutionary thing... if we all wanted sex in the weeks and months after giving birth, Mother Nature figures we wouldn't be paying full/enough attention to the baby.

Feel the same. Love my husband so much and feel sorry for him really because he deserves better. Makes me so sad.

Your not alone. I go through stages. At 1 point I couldn't stand having sex. When it did happen I couldn't wait for it to be over. I felt so bad for husband as he thought I didn't want to be with him which wasn't the case, sometimes I'd let it happen once a month or I could go a few months before I eventually let him have what he wanted. But for some reason since around November I can't get enough now and my husband is the one having to say no to me... I'm still the same now and occasionally had to have it up to 3 times a day otherwise I seemed to get frustrated if he told me no...lol. You may change about how you feel about having it and your very lucky your partner is patient and doesn't get the hump over it....

Your baby is still so young op. Give yourself chance. I'm in my late 30's and love it now more than ever. Me and Dh are running upstairs every opportunity. I was like you tho when children were small, don't beat yourself up about it. Good luck xx

AssassinatedBeauty Said.........Sun 16-Apr-17 19:06:18

Don't do sex acts just to please your partner unless you actually want to and enjoy it yourself.

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

Totally normal, your youngest is very young. You have 3 children to look after and a house to run and your probably knackered most of the time!! Give yourself time, there's nothing wrong with you

Yes I feel like this. When DH and I have sex (roughly once every 6/8 wks) I do enjoy it in the main but I never have the drive to want to do it in the first place. I only ever instigate it because I know he wants it. He's pretty good about not pressuring me but after a month he starts dropping not so subtle hints and briefly gets a bit sulky if I ignore them.
I wish I had a sex drive, I feel guilty for DH that I don't. I have 2 DC but the youngest is nearly 4 and no issues re sleep.
I'm hoping I will find my mojo at some point soon as I would like to want to have sex!

User 1480459555. To be quite challengingly pedantic, I love plenty of people, but I wouldn't want to have sex with them all. As evidenced by this thread it is perfectly normal for there to be times in all of our lives when, although we love our life partner dearly, having intimate sexual relations is right at the very bottom of important dates to keep. It's not black and white. I know some people my age who can take sex or leave it.
It might surprise you to know that some women dont ever feel that urgency. Or even have an orgasm, ever.
Not everybody has great orgasms, and 30 per cent none at all. So if you DO then that's great for you and more power to your elbow. But don't judge others on your own experience. Some women dtd from guilt and duty because they just don't feel the urge. It's not abnormal not to feel an urge for sex. It's normal.
And for what it's worth I do have a modest orgasm, and I don't believe having children changes it either way. You are either lucky enough to have massive and rewarding orgasms from minimal stimulation or you are not. Having given birth makes no difference. I don't think you are in a position to judge whether or not this is normal. Nor am I.

"I must be the only weird one on here who would happily have sex twice a day every day I must have a seriously high sex drive or am just weird compared to everyone else."

Same here - always had a crazy amount of sexual energy. I feel like I could make it into an alternate energy source lol. The kicker is that I'm involuntarily celibate and have no one to unleash it on

I really wish there was a medical explanation for naturally high and low drives (once you take out all of the extenuating factors out of the equation: birth control, womens' cyclical peaks, BF etc.). So far they've only figured out that womens' drives fall with long-term monogamy but no one knows why scientifically.

My heart goes out to you. Very, very few women regain optimum hormone balance after giving birth - it's not just Post Natal Depression that can affect us, loss of sex drive, changes in: appetite, weight, hair and skin tone and texture, are all extremely common if not really talked about. Plus there's sleep loss and disruption which will throw out hormonal balance all on their own. As soon as you can: ask for help so you can get more undisturbed sleep, and help your hormones re-balance through the best healthy healing diet you can mange with 3 tablespoons of Hemp seed oil a day, walk or dance every day for 20 mins, and suggest that DH play his part by fully organising a date/pampering night once a week with lots of tactile connection. BTW Meditation made a massive difference for me (not Mindfulness). Best of luck to you and maybe, for the first little while try and view sex with your DH just as you making a loving connection with him, no need for acrobatics or even orgasms, just loving connection.

mrbreezeet1, nothing is wrong with that, as long as you want to and you enjoy it yourself. I'm sure no decent man would want their partner to perform a sex act for them if they didn't want to and weren't enjoying it.

*why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat

Nothing. The key being IF you want to. And IF you enjoy it.

Sexual acts aren't a commodity. No-one should have to give their partner ANYTHING if they don't want to

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

Not really sure why any self respecting man would want a "treat" from a partner who wasn't enjoying it .

I'm the same - happily go for months without. I also feel really bad for my husband, I do try. As said by a precious poster - I usually do enjoy it once I get going, it's just getting into that mindset 😉.
(I've not fully read the thread so apologies if I've missed an important point).

TBH what is normal? In my group of mates we range from dried up shrews to proper hornet mares. In the space of my relationship with my Dh (11 years and 2 kids aged 10 & 7) I have swung from raging horndog to I never ever want to have sex again ever thanks.
It depends on so many things. After my did was born I could have happily gone for the rest of my life not having sex and I didn't miss it. Poor Dh didn't know what was going on as up until then it was always me pestering him for sex.
Was quiet funny as it made him realise how lucky he had been with a wife always up for a bit.
I can't remember how long it lasted. But the longer it went on the less I wanted sex.
Then we did and slowly things changed. We are now back to me pestering him. But kids are older. Sleep is better, I'm back at work, so am financially independent again. I feel like our lives are a bit more back to how it was before kids e.g. More time together just the two of us.
Wish I could say why/how it changed. Just wanted to say that you are normal and don't stress. You'll get back on the old horse when you feel ready to.

mrbreezeet1, nothing is wrong with that, as long as you want to and you enjoy it yourself. I'm sure no decent man would want their partner to perform a sex act for them if they didn't want to and weren't enjoying it.
HomityBabbityPie Sun 16-Apr-17 20:25:13

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

Not really sure why any self respecting man would want a "treat" from a partner who wasn't enjoying it confused.

NO< Because a Lot of Woman Enjoy pleasing a woman.
A lot of woman enjoy doing oral, and pleasing a Man manually,
I Also enjoy Doing Oral To a woman.

and I agree with the poster on the 2nd page.
If he is Happy he will stay, if Not, The marriage will crumble.
We went married, But the last woman I was with for ~ two years,
I busted My Ass Trying to do things for her, Fixing The House,
Fixing her Car, Buying Tires and all the parts for the Car,
Buying all the Parts and doing the work to the house,
I didn't ask for Much,
But To be Happy in the bedroom.
Sex Was On The Bottom of her List of priorities,
Or not on the list at all.
She always said "She didn't "Feel Good"
She Felt Plenty good enough to Go sing at the Bar, and To bust her ass decorating the House for EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY,
And working on Plants, and Crafts, and shopping , and Looking at jewelry,
and Taking the whole Damn Day In Walmart, when We only needed a few things,
Everything was always about HER!
But when it came time to "Alone Time" in the Bedroom,
She "Didn't Feel good" Or was Tired.
Well Guess What?
We ain't together any more.