To think I'm not normal about dtd?

[DcQuinn]

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

Probably for the best mrbreezeet1. You don't get to buy sex from your partner by doing enough DIY or car fixing. Sex isn't something you earn or deserve or are owed. It's something two people do together if they both feel like it. She didn't feel like it. Did you ever properly ask her why without arguing about it?

We ain't together any more

I think that's for the best. You seem to think that you can buy sex. Concerning.

Hope she's happy still doing all of those things and has learnt how to fix her own car (or pay someone to do it) so she doesn't feel pestered into having sex. There's nothing more likely to turn a person off than feeling obligated.

Are you still single Mrbreeze?

Thank you DcQuinn for starting this threat and I hope it's brought you some comfort to know that you're not alone in the way you're feeling. I think libido comes and goes and particularly for women can be a very delicate thing and can be affected by so many things.

One thing that I really dislike on threads like these (although you normally find them on the femininst topics) is when a man comes along to derail the thread and make it all about him. I find it's usually best to not bite.

Can't think why your marriage broke up mrbreeze, you seem like a right catch

You're right mrsdoyles. I shall say no more but just leave this here.

My partner and I have only had sex three times this year - we're under a huge amount of stress as he was made redundant last year, and while we're still very intimate (sleeping naked, constantly affectionate) that desire is kind of not there just now. In a weird way I feel guilty doing anything enjoyable just now (eg, we got vouchers for a fancy restaurant at Christmas and it feels wrong to use them) and I think that's part of it. Also on my part general stress of suddenly being the only earner, plus a pretty stressful job. I think (hope!) things will puck up sex-wise when everything else gets sorted. I agree with posters talking of peaks and troughs.

Homity

In some ways this is one of the saddest threads I have read on this forum. My sadness stems from the number of women who seem to think that they have a right to take advantage of their partners' willingness to forgo a sexual component to their relationships. Any kind or level of sexual relationship between two people provided that it is something they both agree is good enough for them. By "good enough" I mean a relationship to which you give that which you are able to give comfortably, and from which you receive enough to maintain contentment.

That said, to conduct a relationship on the basis that "he wants sex, I don't, and he puts up with going without" is, bluntly put, exploitative, manipulative and bullying.

I can imagine only too clearly the outrage which would result from someone posting that their male partners refused to meet their sexual needs on a systematic basis. "He's shagging his secretary, he's gay, he's projecting his sexual inadequacy on to you, he's bullying you, yada yada yada".

Sad, sad, sad.

mrbreezeet1

No man worth the name would happily accept any kind of sexual contact from a begrudging woman.
Now take your penis and fuck off.

Yay. He we go again being told that I'm sad and inadequate. Thanks.

I have no children and if left to my own devices I think it would probably be once a fortnight. I know DP wants more so it's more like once a week.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I am there too - ever since the birth of DS 4 years ago, my sex drive has been much lower than before, and now lower than DP's.

However, I am clear that that there is nothing 'wrong' with a person who has a low sex drive, any more than there is something 'wrong' with a person with a high sex drive. Both me and DP are within normal limits - but he has a higher sex drive than me. He gets bad tempered and I get pressured, and the more that happens the less I want sex. I can't see it ending well.

I would be very interested to hear from husbands whose wives have a higher sex drive than them. How do they cope with it? What behaviours do they exhibit?

I am beginning to think that the secret of a happy marriage is having similar sex drives, rather than deep love or respect or whatever!

I'm afraid nothing I have written will give you much comfort OP, although it sounds like you are not at the stage we are at. Good luck to you.

Totally disagree with you Strygil, and it is unreasonable to think that a woman with a 3yr old and a 16 week old baby is being "exploitative, manipulative and bullying" because she doesn't feel like having sex.

Me too! I love and fancy DH but sex is just too much hassle most of the time. I make an effort weekly as I don't not enjoy it and I know it's important for our relationship but I wouldn't e unhappy to not have sex.

I'm on hormone injections because of endometriosis so I'm not sure how much is due to that.

I think more women would want sex more if there was more in it for them. In general men have an orgasm every time. In general women don't, or it take more effort anyway. If women came every time they had sex they might be more up for it. Most men are really not all that good at getting a woman there (in my fairly extensive experience) and a lot of women put up with that in the early stages, but it's less appealing after a few years.
Yes, I know that will probably be the cue for loads of posters to wax lyrical about their hubby's prowess, but that's my experience, and the experience of most of the women I know.

I'm the same, felt like this for years, I always have put it down to my own body confidence but I'm not sure the reason if I'm absolutely honest. I know my DH finds it hard, I have to really psych myself up for it and even then sometimes I don't go ahead with it

I went through this after DD, I think it's more of a perspective shift for me. As I was doing most of the childcare - still am! - but now I also do housework, cooking, and work 4 days a week, I don't get much free time. I would rather spend My free time now laying in bed, on my phone, catching up on all the social media/news stories I never get time to during the day. Took a while for DH to understand that small window of downtime will not be spent on servicing him or having sex.

However, what put me off of intimacy like cuddling in bed was the fact that every time we did cuddle, he would think it would lead to sex. That was a big turn off, I hated that, and of course he would moan and say it's been weeks and again that's a turn off. After everything that comes with a new baby for a first time parent, sex was the last thing on my mind.

Also it felt selfish to mention lack of sex when I didn't want to - like my needs don't matter but I should be concerned about his. Doesn't matter that I've been up 3 times a night feeding the baby, or come back from work and look after the baby. My energy was literally spent.

I would happily not do it for ages. And what annoys me is when I mentioned this to him, instead of being understanding, he reacted as if it was a problem that I feel like this. No it bloody well isn't!

Sorry to hear about the stress this is causing you, OP. I hope you get the chance to talk it through with OH to ease your mind.

On another track, I'm surprised to see that no one has talked about the influence of endometriosis on sex on this thread (unless I missed it as had one eye on line of duty while reading though) Stats say up to 10% of women have endometriosis even though few know about it- for me it causes painful sex so even though I'd love to dtd more often, I wince at the thought of it and put DH off so we manage it only about twice a month. After all these years I'm conditioned to expect pain so don't get aroused. It's really sad for us both. Sex can only be shallow penetration so we can't get carried away in the moment either. I grieve for my partners loss too and hope to get treatment for the pain when I've been through the NHS mill. I might need counselling to reverse the conditioning against sex too. Anyone else suffered endometriosis related low sex drive?

Strygil so you'd be happy to have sex with someone who isnt wanting to and is forcing themselves?

Thats somewhat rapey.

And as for mrbreezet..words fail me.

Hope your ex has met a nicer man now

why Not, What's wrong with giving you Man a "treat"

dh said he would be happy not having sex for the rest of his life rather than have me do sex acts he knows I'm doing as a "favour" or "treat", that my body isn't a reward to treat and my consent isn't something to be given as a treat either.

If he felt that I felt I had to do it as a favour he'd be offended as it suggests he doesn't care about me and my enjoyment, he thinks a man who would use his wife's body as a reward to himself is a twat.

Performing sex acts as a favour wouldn't be increasing sex drive tbh.

Are you still together Cleanlaundry?

Everything you said chimes with me.

My DP batters on about it so much. I can't take much more.

When we dtd, it's wonderful (even after 20 yrs together), I really enjoy it and we're pretty adventurous. Despite this, like lots of PPs, I can happily go weeks in between. For me it's the getting in the mood that's the issue. Strangely, when I was pregnant I was absolutely rampant for the last 6 months!

Sorry for being away the last couple of days! Its veey clear i am not alone and for those responses i thank you! I'm really not trying to rise up to the fact i could be manipulative or bullying to my husband. That i wouldn't ever do if this wasn't about the fact of my sex drive. But if thats what some people think then thats fine. I think i will see gp to talk it over. I'm very lucky i have a dh that doesn't pressure or makes me feel awful for not doing it. I know this is my problem, hence the reason why i am trying to sort this. Not just for his sake, but for mine too.