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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not normal about dtd?

301 replies

DcQuinn · 14/04/2017 23:16

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
SherbrookeFosterer · 17/04/2017 20:23

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You don't have a problem, you just don't need much sex.

Think of the time you save to do more productive things!

Ineke · 17/04/2017 22:34

Flop in the evening.. I think that a little bit of seduction and romance might be lovely.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 17/04/2017 22:39

I can't remember the last time I had sex tbh

Ineke · 17/04/2017 22:41

@overthinkingspartacus. Yes, you have interpreted my mumblings correctly, Thankyou, I don't feel quite so mad if someone else can understand. I so wish sex were simple, or maybe I just over complicate it. Emotions and depression can put a spanner in the works when it comes to a healthy sex drive.

Strygil · 17/04/2017 23:10

Strygil so you'd be happy to have sex with someone who isnt wanting to and is forcing themselves? Thats somewhat rapey.

Please indicate where, in my post, I said that I would be happy to have sex with someone who didn't want to have it. You have accused me in effect of being a rapist - how dare you?

That is an insult which you should either substantiate or withdraw, but I get the feeling you will do neither; the former because you can't, and the latter because you are too stupid to understand the vileness of your allegation,.

SnickersWasAHorse · 17/04/2017 23:27

My sadness stems from the number of women who seem to think that they have a right to take advantage of their partners' willingness to forgo a sexual component to their relationships

So women are 'taking advantage' of their partners by not having sex when they don't want to?
The alternative to that is having sex when their partner wants to even if they don't.
Which is a bit rapey.

helpmesusan · 17/04/2017 23:55

Wanting less sex than your partner does not = not wanting any sex or expecting anybody to forego sex.

It means you want sex less than your partner.

LouKout · 18/04/2017 05:08

Snickers answered for me, thanks snickers :)

LouKout · 18/04/2017 05:09

And Susan :)

Chattycat78 · 18/04/2017 06:52

I get this. I have a toddler and a baby though so am hoping it's that which is killing the mood! We re both knackered all the time!

SnickersWasAHorse · 18/04/2017 07:29

you are too stupid to understand the vileness of your allegation

And you are clearly too stupid to understand the vileness of having sex with a woman who doesn't want you to have sex with her.

Strygil · 18/04/2017 09:06

So women are 'taking advantage' of their partners by not having sex when they don't want to?

I didn't say that: stop lying about me, if you please.

I said, rather, they are taking advantage of their partners' willingness to forgo sex, which is a completely different matter. You are twisting my words to make it sound as though I think men have a right to sex whether their partners want it or not. I didn't say that because I don't think it.

The alternative to that is having sex when their partner wants to even if they don't.

This is a false alternative, as you well know. Another alternative is for the partners to live in a partnership which has no sexual component. I should know. I was married to [and loyal to] a woman for twenty four years, during which the relationship, at her insistence was sexless for about twenty of them. I put up with it because I loved her.

Which is a bit rapey.

That is a vile allegation and one which I repudiate, as I repudiate you, with contempt. It is also the kind of nastines you would never have the courage to use if you weren't able to hide behind a false name on an anonymous forum.

Deschain · 18/04/2017 09:15

This thread has shown up on the Mail online..

shrunkenhead · 18/04/2017 09:20

I cba and neither can dH. Still love each other. Not a problem.

SnickersWasAHorse · 18/04/2017 13:01

I would say it straight to your face.

taking advantage of their partners' willingness to forgo sex,
So if the woman doesn't want sex what do you suggest the alternative is? They should have sex when they don't really want to?

LouKout · 18/04/2017 15:09

I would also aay it to your face.

I said it was rapey to have sex with a woman who doesnt want to.

If you dont do that then you arent rapey. But then you cant accuse the woman of manipulation either.

Iris65 · 18/04/2017 15:35

If a woman decides to have sex with a man even though she doesn't really want it that does not make the man a rapist!
That allegation is a very unhelpful one to make and one that actually trivialises rape.
Of course there are issues about autonomy and the body but when did we start undermining the ability of a woman to make a choice - even if she would rather not? Are women so vulnerable and infantile that they can't choose?
A woman who chooses to have sex because she knows her partner wants it has not been raped!

Iris65 · 18/04/2017 15:37

And referring to something being 'rapey' is more evidence of trivialising and lacking understanding of the issues surrounding sexual assault.
Horrible word.

PookieDo · 18/04/2017 15:39

I think a lot of people have fluctuating sex lives and hormones, so it might not be forever. I can go ages without it then suddenly want it very badly a lot. I think that it is normal to be up and down with it

Iris65 · 18/04/2017 15:41

'If we don't have sex I feel rejected.'; 'If we never have sex then the relationship may end.' are statements of fact not evidence of manipulation.
George left his wife because she wouldn't have sex.'; 'Men who don't have sex often visit prostitutes.' are manipulative statements.

Stating how you feel and what the consequences is communication not manipulation.
'

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/04/2017 15:42

You're looking at this from the wrong point of view Iris. A man who expects/demands that his wife has sex with him even when she doesn't want to is demonstrating an attitude that is wrong. I don't like the word "rapey" either, but I can see why it's being used here to describe that attitude.

LouKout · 18/04/2017 15:50

I stand by the word and my comments.

SnickersWasAHorse · 18/04/2017 16:10

I agree that this does trivialise rape and I will put my hands up and say to use the word 'rapey' was wrong.
Can we use sexual abuse instead then?

If a woman decides to have sex with a man even though she doesn't really want it that does not make the man a rapist!

So if a woman feels so pressurised into having sex by her partner that she does it even though she doesn't want to is that not sexual abuse?

Cessj · 18/04/2017 16:46

Ineke you could be my twin. This is my life almost to a tee.

LouKout · 18/04/2017 17:24

If a man is happy to have sex with a woman even though he knows she doesnt want to then i dont see how that isnt sexual assault.

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