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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not normal about dtd?

301 replies

DcQuinn · 14/04/2017 23:16

My first time post after lurking for a while.

I have been reading about how some women feel that having sex once a week is not enough for their partners. Because they don't feel like it etc. But now i am starting to feel that i have a problem. I could go months without it. It doesn't bother me anymore. My husband is actually great and has the patience of a saint. I feel so bad for him, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me? We have been together for 14 years and I still fancy him loads. I have a 15 year old and my two youngest are 3 and 16 weeks. But i have felt like this before i had the younger two. So what is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
Justaboy · 17/04/2017 13:55

dodgypinz What a fantastic result:-)

Pity this therapy is not more widespread or available?.

Flopintheevening · 17/04/2017 14:45

dontpull

I've said precisely that to her. I've said I don't want to deny her, and I would regard a few efforts to get me in the mood absolutely great.

She says no - she's not going to impose her will like that, and never will.

I wonder just how many of the women feeling guilty in this thread actually just need a bit of TLC from their partners: massage, foot rub, something else, and. Just something, anything to distract them from the rigours of the day. Because if not, their lack of libido is only half the picture.

Ineke · 17/04/2017 15:09

Just wondering if anyone can see my posts or if I have messed up the settings

Flopintheevening · 17/04/2017 15:16

I can.

I feel your pain. Wish I had some of your DH's animal instinct though.

For me though, sex is all about affirming bonds. I'm really not interested I'm the idea of sex with strangers.

SandyDenny · 17/04/2017 15:50

As this is now front page news on the DM website I hope everyone who's sharing has made sure they can't be identified, especially the OP.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 17/04/2017 15:52

I think a lot of people (you included flop)do find it hard to switch from busy parent to sexual being.
Some people are good at compartmentalising, and getting exited in their own heads as a way to be able to make that transition, and some people need some help.
There is nothing at all wrong with seduction!
Maybe your DW just feels a bit silly, or finds it humiliating. Because we are told all the time how men are always up for it, it's quite a dent to the female ego to have to ask, which isn't really fair, but there it is.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 17/04/2017 15:54

Ah Bollocks. I wish the Daily Fail would just fuck off.

NotYoda · 17/04/2017 16:03

I asked MNHQ to move this, days ago Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2017 16:10

SandyDenny The Daily Mail has this on their website, how does that happen, how is this news? News flash, some women don't always feel up for sex! ha bloody ha.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/04/2017 16:15

They're lazy "journalists" who've cottoned on it's an easy way to generate a quick click-bait story. Nothing can be done about it as anything written here is obviously already public, so they're not breaking any rules or laws.

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2017 16:18

AssassinatedBeauty yes it is lazy and, as I say, it's not news. Certainly not to many women it's not!

LouKout · 17/04/2017 16:20

I definitely dont want sex with a Daily Mail reader.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 17/04/2017 17:14

flop can you show your wife this post? Show her that other women agree that what you are asking of her is in no way manipulative but I honestly feel, her refusing to help you is more manipulative in a sense she is denying you sex. I'm sure she is lovely but what she is doing is quite damaging to your relationship.

WankingMonkey · 17/04/2017 17:36

Yup just seen the mail story. Its so crap how they do this

FuckTheDailyFail · 17/04/2017 17:41

Bastards! Name change a go-go then!

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea · 17/04/2017 17:42

Fuck off the Daily Fucking Mail your bunch of lazy cunts.

NotYoda · 17/04/2017 17:43

Basically, just don't post anything personal on AIBU

It's rife with trolls anyway

Ineke · 17/04/2017 18:49

Flop in the evening... No I don't mean that I Want sex with a stranger. What I am inadequately trying to say is that sometimes there is no hurtful baggage, just sex for sex sake with someone you have just met. I am recalling my youth here. If I could get that with my DH then I would feel more happy to have full blown sexual relations with him. However, there is so much in my head of feeling used and that he is only interested in my body and not in me as a person. After a bit of sexual activity it all goes back to as it was, and I feel awful when I should feel closer to him, slightly feel like a prostitue. This probably makes no sense to anyone.

Ineke · 17/04/2017 18:54

Re Daily Mail. No one I know or associate with reads that paper, least of all on line.

SandyDenny · 17/04/2017 19:19

Ineke - Re Daily Mail. No one I know or associate with reads that paper, least of all on line.

Unless you know very few people that probably isn't true, a quick search suggests around 30m people in the UK do so if you take out people who can't read that's well over half the population. If you're in the UK I don't think you can avoid "associating" with DM readers. Do you not go out?

OverthinkingSpartacus · 17/04/2017 19:25

@ineke. I think I know what you mean. That sex with a stranger is often just about the sex, that if you were to have sex with a stranger, you'd know they only wanted your body? But within a LTR or marriage you want it to be more, for your partner to focus on your comfort and enjoyment as much as his own, for him to notice somethings bothering you or that somethings upset you and for him to want to resolve that, to want you to be relaxed and in the mood and when you've have an unresolved issue with him you don't feel relaxed and in the mood? You feel that your partner doesn't care about that and wants access to your body anyway? Which makes it feel like for him, it's all about the sex, and you feel that what's stranger sex is and your husband acting like this with you hurts?

If I've read you wrong apologise, but if I'm right, I'd feel the same as you in that situation, i dont feel in the mood if somethings happening in my life that is stressing or upsetting me, if dh knew something was upsetting me he'd listen to me talk, offer solutions etc, if it was him that was making me angry or something he'd done etc, he wouldn't instigate sex and either give us as long as it takes to resolve the issue between us or give me space to work through whatever other things may be making me upset. When my Dad died for eg, he'd know I'd not be in the mood as I had a million other things on my mind, I didn't have to tell him this, he wanted to support me through that rather than moan about not getting his end away type thing.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 17/04/2017 19:34

@sandydenny

I often read MNers say they hate the daily mail, mock it and say they don't read it, but a high amount of links I see to news articles (I'd say almost all tbh) on MN are to the daily mail. Doesn't add up.

I'd love to know how much of the daily mail online revenue is gotten from MNers posting and clicking the links to news articles and articles about MN threads. I think it would also be interesting to see the figures for daily mail users who click links to MN but also say MN is shite etc and which site benefits the other most, I reckon Daiky Mail benefits more from MNers using their site than vice versa.

I keep thinking I'll start a thread but haven't gotten round to it :)

WankingMonkey · 17/04/2017 19:36

People may not admit to reading the mail, but a hell of a lot of people do. Noone I know admits to reading the Sun but I have caught a few out before and others clearly do too.

I tend to read all 'papers' as I am mostly online on forums so read whatevers linked...

Flopintheevening · 17/04/2017 19:45

My DW would be unimpressed my discussing our lack sex life on the Internet - particularly now that the Daily Heil have been on the scene.

ifnot

That's it precisely. I like the idea of having sex. But once the kids are in bed the I find the prospect of having it right then ghastly - like just another chore. I need to have more than a bit of attention paid to me first to get me warmed up. I don't think DW finds this silly or humiliating - she just thinks that if I'm not in the mood it's inappropriate to change my mood. We have been talking it over, but she does have a very fixed view on this Sad.

Ineke

Someone said upthread that sex in itself is good for a relationship: therefore it's worth putting effort into making sure it still happens even if neither partner particularly wants it. I agree with that, assuming each partner sees sex as a way of being nice to someone and paying them attention - completely unlike what you describe in your post at 09:48:04 and you certainly have my sympathies. I see sex as a way of being nice to someone I'm close to. Hence my remark about not being interested with sex with strangers - it wasn't directed at you but at your comment that for men sex is more an animal instinct (something I could do with more of, tbh) than it is for women. That may be true of couples in their 20s, but I believe by one's 40s, natural libidos have evened out and women's may even be slightly higher.

Albadross · 17/04/2017 20:01

My marriage was almost over less than a year in because of our mismatched sex drives - we had almost completely stopped communicating so there was just no intimacy and we were leading separate lives in the same house. When we did have sex, there was no kissing and it was robotic pointless. I have difficulty coming with a partner too and so to me it was just about servicing him.

We also had therapy (DH wasn't keen but I forced the issue) and just having a safe space to get everything off our chests helped massively. We gradually built up through little things like hand holding when out, not expecting every cuddle to lead to sex (DH was similar to pp's partners and I then felt pressured every time he hugged me or anything physical) and setting aside time once a week where we each had ten minutes to say what was on our minds. He'd thought me not wanting sex meant I didn't love him (not true) and I thought he didn't care that sex when I wasn't up for it caused me pain (also had endo).

The longer you're with someone the more you tend to neglect things like kissing, holding hands, cuddles and physical intimacy - even eye contact - which don;t have to be a signal that sex is going to happen. Now I actually crave the feeling of being close to him and although it's not loads of sex, it's never long enough between times to get out of the habit.

The irony was that when I was pregnant I was climbing the walls, libido like I'd never experienced before and virtually able to climax by thinking about sex, but he was afraid of hurting the baby!