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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:
itsacatastrophe · 15/04/2017 10:00

I'm just amazed that OP has a nursery that's opened on a bank holiday. Wow.

My ds(8) has developed the idea that if he repeatedly asks for something I may eventually change my mind and say yes. It doesn't matter how many times I say no, he keeps asking. And then starts chanting. Yes, occasionally, I will tell him to just shut up.
Just you wait OP, just you wait

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2017 10:01

thanks little, we are under children with disabilities SS, and when I cried to her headteacher at mainstream school, she never judged, infact her old headteacher totally got it, as she has a daughter with Autism too, and recognised the signs in my daughter. It is very very hard. How does op know, that the child did not have any SN, or that the child was talking about the same thing and repeating for the umpteenth time. My daughter loves Finding Dorey, and will ask me the same questions about Destiny the whale shark 50 times a day. I have had to tell her to stop repeating herself, and even shut up, when other stratergies are not working and I have a massive migrane.

Coverup890 · 15/04/2017 10:01

I am usually pretty patient but after a day of my threes non stop bickering and moaning ive been known to tell them to shut up! They drive me insaine sometimes telling them to shut up is probably better than walking off and leaving them (often feel like that on bad days)

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2017 10:02

We have no family near, my my is 84 and lives 50 miles a way, and she could not cope, and my husbands family live in Italy, with cousins and Aunties and Uncles. So we are on our own. Thank goodness SS give us respite hours, but they are a drop in the very vast ocean.

ShamefulDodger · 15/04/2017 10:13

I'm not excusing obviously abusive behaviour but I do try not to judge on a 'snapshot'.

Ds has turned 1 today and dd is 4, she has autism.

The times I've felt so close to screaming 'Fuck off and leave me alone!' is legion.

Most days I'm running on two hours sleep (extremely bad sleeper despite medication) and as much as I love her, it can infuriate me after hours of being subjected to the same sentence or noise over and over and over again.

I haven't snapped yet, but I would hope if I ever do lose my cool and show my frustration and desperation, that I'd be supported and not judged too harshly.

I'm not talking about screaming or swearing into a small child's face but I think a desperate 'Please, shut up and leave me alone' is usually the sign of someone who isn't coping.

Whichever social class they are.

LittleRedWagon1 · 15/04/2017 10:19

I can imagine how difficult that must be for you and your DH Aero and I can empathise with the suffering from migraines because of the incessant repeating of questions, words, stories, phrases etc.

People who do not experience this with their children probably find us a bit harsh in the 30 second snapshot of our life, but they have no idea what you or I have been through to get to that point.

I'm actually, truly envious of anyone who says that they would never/do never raise their voice or tell their DC to shut up after hearing the same story for the 27th time and expecting a different acknowledgement from you everytime, on top of a migraine/headache etc. I wish I was that good of a parent.

ShamefulDodger · 15/04/2017 10:20

LittleRedWagon1 I think most people would be lying if the said they could reach the 2700th repetition of noise/story/sentence and still breezily brush it off. Grin

ohhereweareagain · 15/04/2017 10:27

Blimey op, that's nothing compared to what I hear ie 'shut the fuckup..'. And I hear this sort of thing regularly. I live in East lindonSmile

RebelRogue · 15/04/2017 10:33

Meh I was what you'd call horrible to DD on Tuesday . She actually had an awesome day,out for 10 hours with friends,great lunch, going on rides, getting silly stuff from the market etc. Before bed she told me she had an amazing day and can we do it again?

deadpool99 · 15/04/2017 10:36

YABU If you have a DC who constantly demands your attention 24*7 (i have one of these) and who thinks that persistent badgering is likely to get them what they want, then most parents you will get exasperated. You don't know what the child has been doing up until that point for the parent to come out with that.

Littledrummergirl · 15/04/2017 10:41

I heard someone it was me warn their ds (16) that they had a bottle of wine in their hand and if they used it to beat said child it could get messy. Clearly a dreadful mother with a terrible relationship with said child he grinned.

I have also been known to tell the dc to shut the fuck up, they don't.

Obviously mine are older now but they know even better how to push my buttons. In my experience supermarkets are he'll on earth with more than one dc. Yesterday dd asked for ice cream, ds1 wanted crumble. I bought vanilla ice-cream, dd sulked that it wasn't neopolitan and ds1 continued to rub it in-depth hence the warning. This is something that's been going on since they were old enough to speak. Try letting them choose a multi pack of ice lollies, can be there half an hour because they disagree on principle.
I think you need a bigger pair of judge knickers and to revisit this thread in five years especially if you have more dc.
Yabvu.

Catherinebee85 · 15/04/2017 10:47

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP. Of course it's not acceptable to speak to children the way some people do and yes its really sad and shocking.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2017 10:48

It is difficult little, and people like op who come in here and nit pick which is what it is, as the mother did not say or do anything abusive or awful to the child.

FamilySpartan · 15/04/2017 10:50

It is awful to witness this kind of behaviour but this is Mumsnet, so you'll just get people telling you to mind your own business.

Mordenapple · 15/04/2017 11:10

YANBU - the way we speak to children affects them, sometimes for life. I can still remember clearly when my parents said angry or nasty things to me when I was little (5/6/7ish) and it did affect my self esteem although they were probably just in a bad mood and didn't mean it. You have to be very careful, children internalise everything and don't have the ability to rationalise it. They will believe what you tell them they are.

woodhill · 15/04/2017 11:21

Yes my dps were critical and it does effect your confidence.

Sometimes though you can end up with dc who are used to being the centre of the universe and then it's a tough old world out there so it's getting a balance.

RebelRogue · 15/04/2017 11:32

My mum was shit. But you see,she rarely swore at me or in general,she was all light and breezy in public,always polite and friendly, and people thought she was an awesome mother and person. My friends loved her etc.
But I was never good enough,too fat,too lazy,too much of a tom boy. She never told me she was proud or me or a well done. And that's without her losing it. She also never defended me,stood up or protected me when shit happened,because it would ruin the light and breezy persona and her "civilised" image.And no one would fucking get it or believe me because she was so so lovely in general.

upperlimit · 15/04/2017 11:36

If my children internalised one of the many times I said, "no, not today", "take that back out of the trolley", "don't ask again please", "is anybody listening to me?", "if you ask again we will go home", "I mean it", "we just came out for milk", "no, you already have plenty of Easter eggs," then I would never get to..."ahhh, no more stuff, stop asking, you are doing my head in," but to be fair, the whole thing is said with a good amount of patience, I don't shout at them.

Tbf, it's rare that the whole show falls off the rails like that. It is usually when I'm poorly and off my game.

GahBuggerit · 15/04/2017 11:47

I'm a "look just stop winding me up" etc parent when out with the kids sometimes. Your lucky to be able to put your child into nursery to enjoy a day off and only work 3 days a week so you can get stuff done. I work ft and am always shattered so when out with the kids yes, perhaps my temper does get frayed quicker than it would if i only worked pt and so generally less stressed. I do find that if I'm on annual leave and i go out with the kids I'm a lot more zen as i have no urgency to get back home to do washing, ironing etc

When i do snap it's usually after a sustained onslaught of mithering and annoyance that a few dozen "Quentin please be quiet now" hasn't stopped.

So if you never see me judge away by all means but perhaps spare a thought that maybe the parent is in a similar situation to me and be thankful that your life seems much easier

QueenOlivine · 15/04/2017 13:11

I bought vanilla ice-cream, dd sulked that it wasn't neopolitan :o

I get this type of thing all the time. In many a supermarket I can be heard intoning 'The correct response to being bought ice cream (/chocolate/trifle/etc.) is "thank you mummy" not "oh poor me it's not the posh kind"!'

I am this far [ ] from saying "there are starving children in Africa who don't have any ice cream at all!!!" but I'm trying to avoid being a total cliche.

If you offer DD a sweet or square of chocolate, she will ask if she can have two instead, and when I say no, sulk and kick off (and often as not refuse to have the one on offer). FGS.

Excited101 · 15/04/2017 13:27

YANBU op, I think that incidences like that, and yes- saying 'shut up' to a young child is very nasty and unecessary, could contribute to mental health issues in children as they grow up and continue the cycle.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/04/2017 13:33

I have to tell my almost 10 year old DD to give her mouth a rest. The constant, incessant wittering gets on my bloody nerves.

wineusuallyhelps · 15/04/2017 13:46

OP, I can see two sides to what you are saying. There are shades of grey.

No, it isn't very nice to tell anyone to shut up, etc. In an ideal world, I wouldn't.

However, I do say that occasionally and I could easily be like the parents you are describing. Maybe what you didn't hear or see were the hours of keeping on and poor behaviour from the child/children. Mine (aged 8 upwards) sometimes 'start' when they get up in the morning and continue for hours, apparently for the devilment of it or because they are having a bad day. Even when they are being taken out for a treat....!

What I can guarantee is that if I finally say, "shut up" or speak harshly, there will have been at LEAST six - usually more - polite attempts to ask them to stop what they are doing.

I'm only human Confused

And I do think it's harder with multiple children. For a start, one child has no sibling to goad!

WankingMonkey · 15/04/2017 14:04

"you're so annoying just stop talking"

I don't really see a problem with this

I have once seen some woman hiss at her child to 'shut the fuck up you little cunt. I should have you adopted'

THAT is an example of a horrible thing to say to your child. I was so tempted to 'tell her off' for that but I stayed out of it. I was side eyeing to check she didn't hit the kid or something though. I have seen her out and about since then and she seems to have been lovely since so maybe she was just having a bad day but it was so OTT even if it was a one off Sad

I am quite sure I have told my kid they are annoying at some stage.

Gottagetmoving · 15/04/2017 14:06

It's sad but some families are like that with each other. The kids will grow up and say nasty things to their parents.
Be the way you are with your kids and don't stress about how others are with theirs.