To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

[IndiaGrace]

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

YANBU. I read somewhere that how we talk to our DC will be their internal voice as adults. It is certainly true for me. My parents were unkind and critical when I was a child, and that is what I hear in my head now. DS says he hears me saying I love him, and I try very hard not to be negative towards him, although of course there have been times I've failed. Yes everyone snaps sometimes, but it is unlikely that every single person you heard speaking harshly to their DC just happened to be having a rare low moment. Unfortunately some people are just not very nice.

We are all human... the 30 second snapshot is just that, you don't have a clue about the build up etc.

If an acquaintance was out and about, what would your 30 second snapshot say to her? Can you remember everything you did, every facial expression, everything you said to anyone, every eye-roll at others' parenting fails?

and I am a bit judgey about the nursery thing - because you have not got a clue how your child was being talked to during that 30 seconds either...

(you'd find it shocking how some people talk to their charges at nursery, especially on a busy bank holiday weekend when they wanted the day off - it is not just parents who speak to kids badly)

It's not OP's fault that the nusery was open - i doubt they were only open for her child. And she pays for the place regardless. THe nursery COULD choose to close and reimburse the families one day's cost.

Of course context is everything and lots of people can say things to their kids which out of context sound awful but aren't. However surely no one believes that some parents aren't just shit at their job as parents? That some people don't just talk to their kids like shit because that's how they were raised or that's how they choose to parent or because they can't be bothered to filter their thoughts for their childs welfare.

We had a mom where i work who screamed at her 2 year old that if she were to go and kill herself now it would be the child's fault. Mom clearly needs support beore she causes lasting damage to the child but brushing it under the carpet and saying "oh well, maybe the 2 yo was playing up, maybe she was tired so lets just ignore it and walk away because we can't be seen to JUDGE" helps no one.

We all judge.

Whether it's the way someone talks to their child or that a parent of 1 can't possibly be as har done to as a parent of more than 1, or that someone working part time can't have it as hard as someone working full time and they both have it harder than a SAHP.

Try having two or three kids. Try not having enough money. Try having a shit job/no job/ Try having an illness.

Add all that up and go shopping with not enough cash for food for the week and a crying/whining toddler or two.

Now see if you're as patient.

It depend whether you mean the "seriously, be quiet - i have said no and i don't want to hear another word off you until we get to the tills" or "just shut up you little fuck before i give you something to fucking cry about".

Just because OP works part time and has 1 kid doesn't mean that she isn't skint, hates her job which is on a short term contract and so isn't secure, all whilst having a chronic illness and issues at home.

Apparently no one is allowed to judge another parent but we're all allowed to judge OP

Yanbu. It is so sad when people talk to small children in this way. It is likely to cause lasting damage and bahvioural issues that the parent will then feel is not their fault (through my work I see many many many parents refusing to believe it is their parenting that is an issue and insist that their child must have a developmental disorder. Yanbu for getting things done on a rare child free day either!

Holy shit:

Just shut up you little fuck before i give you something to fucking cry about".

That's a bit of an escalation, isn't it? None of the examples the OP used look like that.

There is a bit of a difference between fucking spaz and Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in

Yabu and imo probably you are too soft.

Tbf one child aged 2 is endearing. I have two aged 5 and 8. They rarely give me 5 minutes to think and box my head, i often have to tell them to quieten down. I do my very best not to be mean but it's not easy.

Upperlimit i was refering to user1491572121 who said a lack of patience could be atrributed to people having more kids / more stress. My point was it depends how that lack of patient manifests. For some people that might be a snap at the kid and then an explanation of why Mommy lost her temper and for some that might be verbl agression or more. Saying well they probably had a bad day doesn't excuse everything

Momma we're "allowed" to judge OP because she's judging others. She judged first.

Thems the rules here. :)

I think the vast vast majority of parents love their children and are doing their best.

Sometimes people snap and they get it wrong and they say things they shouldn't. You can't know by a snapshot glance in a shop whether their children are treated badly or not. Parents are only human and I think it's best not to judge these situations without knowing the full picture of their day to day lives.

If you constantly hear your neighbour speaking like this to their kids then you have probably identified a problem. You can't do that in a supermarket with people you have never seen before.

YANBU. We should treat our kids the same as we'd treat anyone else, i.e not being rude/shouting/hitting them

Yanbu.

I find it upsetting when people speak to their kids in a nasty way. I get that people lose their temper and snap but I still find it sad.

And yes I do it sometimes, I'm far from perfect, but I judge myself for doing it and feel bad.

If I treated my kids as I would my friends if my friends followed me around the shops with a list of complaints and demands, you would have good reason to judge.

YANBU. We should treat our kids the same as we'd treat anyone else, i.e not being rude/shouting/hitting them

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I treat my kids better than I treat everyone else tbf. If a friend followed me round a shop repeatedly asking for everything on the shelf, whilst snotting on my new top and asking if she could lick my eyeball while poking me in the thigh I would (rightly) tell them to fuck the fuck off. I don't do that with my kids. So the 'treat them how you treat everyone else' thing doesn't really work

I think we should look at parents with compassion. There was a story of a man with 5 children on a train. They were messing around, noisily, hanging from straps, shouting. When one passenger was leaving he spoke to the father nicely and his large family. The father said -yes it had been a difficult day - their mother was dying in hospital. That illustrates that we never know the positions other are in and should be kind above all to them.

That said I of course hate it when I see parents who are very nasty to chidlren. Eg I have never hit a child and I see often unlawful smacking. I don't swear which is quite unusual so my teenagers don't. However I accept that some parents and probably most mumsnetters do swear. I am not some mother theresa and I am sure I have my bad points and over the 30 years I've been a mother of five I've shouted at the children and not been nice. Happens to us all. Now I can be calm and happy but that's because it's dead easy - I've teenagers and I've even afer 30 years of paying it paid off the mortgage. If you've small children no money and been up all night breastfeeding the baby you're bound to be cross and nasty and upset and shouty.

I get really upset in supermarkets when you hear parents shouting at kids. I try to remind myself that I am only seeing a snap shot of a situation. I did have a situation where I witnessed a father being unduly heavy handed and inappropriate with his children during a swimming lesson, where the same behaviour was repeated week after week. It culminated with me finding the 5 year old daughter outside in the car park alone, trying to get into their car, shaking and crying. I took her back in and told the father that I had found her outside and they she was obviously upset, he didn't say anything to me, but grabbed her, called her a horrible name and said "you are in so much trouble you don't want to know what's going to happen when you get home. Antother Mum noticed me watching and caught me after to say that she had been really upset watching week after week too. We had both noticed the kids school uniform and the other Mum contacted the school to report (she gave my name and details as another witness). I understand from the other Mum that the family were already on the school radar and that the information we gave would be added to the record.
I think that we can all lose it with our kids in stressful situations... and we need to give parents the benefit of the doubt, but if you have concrete reason to worry about a child's well being, then it's important to step and and take action.

Mum, DSis is being mean
Hang on a minute DS
Mum DBro is being horrible
Get on nicely you two, I'm waiting on the phone
Muuuuum, shes hitting me
DS, I'm on the phone!
MUUUM, he's pushing me
Shush a sec, I'll be there in a bit
MUUUUM, telllll her
Be quiet I'm on the phone
Muuuuuuuuum !
Shhhhhhhh!
I hate him, he just turned my programme off
Will you BE QUIET I'm on the phone,!
But muuuuuuuuuuuum (crash bang whack screams )
RIGHT THAT'S IT, WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND STOP BEING SO ANNOYING.

The thread started with quite tame examples and escalated to shut the fu k up you cunt..... obviously totally different scenarios.

I often ask D'S to please give my ears a rest for 5 mins or twll him no he is not having X today because he has sweets at home already or has had a great that day.

I wouldn't tell him to fuck off or that he is cunt.

It can be damaging for kids to be constantly pandered to and always be the centre of the universe and have every thing their own way. My friends dc struggles massively at school because he is just one of 25 that are all equally important.

Finding middle ground and doing your best is all we can do.

wankingmonkey that's true your friends might not be pulling on your skirt asking to buy them some sweets.
Then again my mil is quite annoying but I wouldn't shout at her in the supermarket or give her a slap round the knees

YANBU. I notice it a lot, usually immature chav looking folk to be brutally honest.

Then again my mil is quite annoying but I wouldn't shout at her in the supermarket or give her a slap round the knees

I told MIL to shut up and get out of my kitchen once if that counts

I was trying to make a meal for 8 people and clean at the same time, whilst having kids hanging off my legs and MIL was acting like a magnet stuck to me bleating on about how her cat has decided she actually likes ham so that makes life easier (how, I dont know) and how Mildred down the road bought a new houseplant.

Never slapped anyone since being abut 16 though, round the knees or otherwise

perhaps your mil has a lot of leftover ham to contend with

Op you have one two year old. You have barely started as a parent yet.come back in twenty years when you might have a clue