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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:
babyinarms · 14/04/2017 22:06

I recently heard a mother shout at her 2 year old..... shut the fuck up or I'll lamp ya !!! ....
Class ! I'm no angel and have( on occassion) .... lost it with my kids but I'd never talk to them or anyone like that !

WhingyNinja · 14/04/2017 22:12

YANBU, OP. How anyone can try to justify snarling in a small child's face is beyond me. Would you do it to your partner? Why is it acceptable to do it to your children?

Also, don't feel you have to justify why your DD was in nursery, people just clutch at straws to try to make you sound out of touch and to attempt to shut down your argument.

I completely agree with you, whilst admitting I am not a perfect parent by a long shot I know not to be aggressive towards my child because intimidation won't help in stopping her less than ideal behaviour.

Mrstumbletap · 14/04/2017 22:23

I think the mums using the excuse 'I have 2/3/4 children so that's why I can talk to my kids like that occasionally' a joke.

You made the decision to have several children, you make the decision to talk to them like that.

If you find multiple children stressful and talk disrespectfully to them, swear at them, call them names like brat, idiot, little shit etc it makes you wonder why you didn't stop at one if that was so easy.

HoldBackTheRain · 14/04/2017 22:25

MommaGee that was me on the buss 17 years ago, I bet someone invented a bloody iphone to put Peppa Pig onto just to shut me up!

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 22:30

even i put Moana on I sing along so it doesn't get any better haha

kali110 · 14/04/2017 22:35

There's a difference between getting in a childs face and yelling shut up and simply saying saying it!
Do you see the difference?
'Stop asking me for stuff etc'
'Leave me alone' pretty normal at the end of your tether, and not abusive.
Sorry op but you don't like being judged yet you have been pretty judgy yourself Confused

rookiemere · 14/04/2017 22:50

Gosh now so letting your toddler watch a screen is worse than shouting abuse at them holdback?

I think it's quite easy to tell the difference between a parent who's been pushed to the edge and someone who usually shouts a lot. I remember seeing the latter in Primark (sorry but that is where it was) poor wee boy in a buggy being screamed at by what I presume was his DM. Didnt appear to have done anything to warrant it.

isnt verbal abuse deemed to be very harmful to DCs ? So why are we so keen to excuse it with oh yes I swear at my DCs all the time when I'm tired or stressed. If its a regular occurrence then it probably means that you're not being the best parent you could be either.

everybodysang · 14/04/2017 22:58

So because OP only has a 2 year old she has no idea and will definitely tell her child to shut up at some point? Bollocks. I'm pretty far from a perfect parent but I've never told my kids to shut up.
This snapshot stuff is such crap. People snap, of course they do, I do - but I see people talking like absolute shit to their kids all the time and I just don't believe it's 'just a snapshot' every time. Some people are just twats.

HoldBackTheRain · 14/04/2017 23:03

Gosh no rookie obviously not, I thought that was clear when I said 'another thing that makes me sad' HTH Biscuit

Perhaps it's a personal thing. I hate shut up, I actually think I'd rather be told to fuck off than shut up, because to me shut up is so much more disrespectful and I'm not a PP by any means, it's just that shut up isn't something I've ever said to DS.

FeralBeryl · 14/04/2017 23:28

YABU and YANBU, a couple of the things you posted are quite plainly a parent near the end of their tether. I've spoken sharply to mine when they were probably too young to understand, not proud, learnt from it.
However, I saw a man at a fair yesterday marching holding a (I'm guessing) 2-3 year old literally shouting in her face, the sad thing was she wasn't horrified, just looking at him.
It was only once he started screaming 'you're not fucking going on anything now though you little fucker. No rides, nothing' that she started to sob.
I desperately wanted to go and twat him, I really did Sad I settled on my best Hard Stare and stayed close to them until he seemed to have calmed down and turned his attention to swearing at the child's mum.

neonrainbow · 15/04/2017 07:33

Well from some of the responses you've had i guess we can see which posters are the ones who talk to their kids like crap and probably feel guilty about it which is why they're taking it out on you!

Also the jealousy that your child is in nursery is pretty funny. Smile

upperlimit · 15/04/2017 07:38

I haven't rtft but this:

"Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in"

Is totally acceptable. If it was preceded by 'for crying out loud', it was me.

Ohb0llocks · 15/04/2017 07:54

It doesn't matter whether the OP has 1 or 100 kids.

Nor does it matter of said child is at nursery or at home with someone else.

If you're going to speak to your kids like shit, people will judge you for it, and rightly so.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2017 08:45

No wonder some are relctant to ask for support on mumsnet, with some of the sancatmonious responses on here, and the feeling of being judged. The examples op gave are not bad "doing my nut in" "your so annoying, stop asking for stuff", abusive really! Get a grip some of you!!!! Pretty average really, I was expecting the "shut up you little shit, or I will lamp you", or "you fucking cunt, come ere". Sort of comments.

woodhill · 15/04/2017 09:10

No you're being judgemental.

We're all human and stuff up. Do you not argue and snap at your OH. What about PMT, I used to have a short fuse at times.

heyduggeeallday · 15/04/2017 09:22

My seven yr old will talk non stop about Dan tdm and Minecraft and I NEVER tell her to shut up! However, I will say "that sounds great dd but can you just be quiet for a minute while I concentrate". It disgusts me how some people speak to their kids

LittleRedWagon1 · 15/04/2017 09:39

I can under your shock at hearing this however I do think you are BU.

My dd2 is a talker/narrator and does not stop talking or making noise from the second she wakes to the minute she goes to bed. It is wearing and I have cried countless times in frustration. The headaches, the exhaustion of having tolusten yo the same story over and over and over and over is bloody hard.
Dd2 expects an answer for the same story that neither invokes a discussion or asks a question and just keeps going on and on and on and on until DH and I either ask what she wants us to say or tell her enough!

I am paritialy deaf and wear two hearing aids, I often take them out or turn them off and leave them in Just to get some respite (I still have some hearing) the words FGS DD2 will you just shut up and give me five minutes peace has escaped my mouth more times than I can remember. DH and I usually use the word 'ENOUGH!' but unfortunately it doesn't always cut it with DD2, who is almost 8 by the way.

It's hard with a child who has to verbalise EVERY.SINGLE.THOUGHT.
The times I've hidden in the bathroom/bedroom and cried actual tears of frustration have been too many to count.

It's fucking exhausting and I am only human I can only cope with so much.

I truly hope it's something you don't have to experience with your DC when they are older, because it has the possibility to make you feel like the worst parent in the world which is fucking devastating.

LittleRedWagon1 · 15/04/2017 09:42

Apologies for spelling/grammar errors, it's a combination of exhaustion from being in hospital with DD2 for part of the week and my phone being on the way out and only partially working correctly.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2017 09:43

Massive hugs little l've been there, with my daughter who is 10 who has ASD, learning difficulties, SPD, developmental delay who has meltdowns quite frequently over very trivial things, and no stratergy is working, shut up has escaped or will you be quiet, you are doing my head in. We are not perfect, we make mistakes, this happens on occassion, thank god the professionals involved with us are very supportive and non judgemental.

OhhBetty · 15/04/2017 09:50

Til you've walked a mile in their shoes....

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2017 09:55

Her meltdowns can leas 3 hours at a time, me and dh have to deal with it ourselves. Yes till you walk a mile in our shoes, applies to these judgy people on here, who would probably crack after the the second 3 hour meltdown over her game not working.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2017 09:56

or her loosing one of her elastic bands.

LittleRedWagon1 · 15/04/2017 09:58

Thanks Aero, I think the fact that they never seem to 'let up' is the biggest factor in the frustration element of it all. It's so difficult isn't it, and when there are other factors at play such as illness and learning different it can make it much harder on the parents.

On the while DD2 is such a loving and well behaved, helpful child. The frustration at her obsessive talking/noise making has almost driven me to the edge of my sanity.

I'm glad to hear that you have some good, non judgemental support from the professionals.

I'm lucky in the fact that my MIL is awesome and went through the same with DH as a child and she helps out occasionally and if she can't I know I can gave a good old mosh to her with no judgement from her.

LittleRedWagon1 · 15/04/2017 09:58

moan

LittleRedWagon1 · 15/04/2017 10:00

Damn phone, again apologies for spelling/grammar 😳