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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be quite shocked at how some people speak to their kids?

404 replies

IndiaGrace · 14/04/2017 18:44

Today I went to the shops. DD was in nursery so it was a very rare child free outing.

Shopping centre is located in nearest city, in what is quite a rough area but it obviously attracts shoppers from miles around.

I lost count of the number of (presumably) parents I heard speaking in really nasty ways to their kids. I'm not talking losing the rag and telling them off. I mean one woman hissing "shut up and leave me alone" to a wee girl in a trolley who must have been about 3 or 4. Another one saying to her small son "you're so annoying just stop talking" - a few examples of this. "Stop asking me for Stuff, you're doing my nut in" etc.

Now I understand that tempers get frayed. It was busy, people are fraught. Sometimes when my DD (who is two and tries my patience plenty) is yammering away when I'm trying to concentrate, I resist the urge to tell her "shhh" and if there are times I do need to tell her to be quiet, I will gently say "shh, you need to be quiet now" but it would never occur to me to nastily tell her to shut up or to leave me alone etc.

I suffer from very low self esteem, have done all my life, and I'm determined my DD will not grow up to feel the same way. This might be colouring my view as to why I feel so strongly. Is it as big a deal as I think it is? Or am I being over sensitive about it?

This is something I have noticed a lot since DD came along. It really gets my back up. I wouldn't say anything though. Generally they don't tend to look like the kind of people to respond well to that kind of confrontation.

OP posts:

Munchkin1412 · 14/04/2017 20:52

There's an obvious middle ground. You're doing my head in is not an extreme thing to say to a two year old after hours and hours of whining. Swearing or calling them names is clearly crossing the line.

ShyOyster · 14/04/2017 20:52

For the record, I don't give a shit about why OP's child was at nursery whilst she had the audacity to be shopping, entirely child free.
I don't judge people for stuff like that.

staghunter · 14/04/2017 20:54

I frequently say "you are awful, awful children" to my kids. Out of context it sounds terrible, but in the shops they will ask me for something they know is ridiculous (a huge birthday cake eg) and I will reply "no you are awful terrible children". I am now wondering if anyone thinks I am serious!

Munchkin1412 · 14/04/2017 20:54

I've taken holiday twice this year on nursery days to get a bit of time to myself. Never crossed my mind that people would judge! Although if there's one thing I've gathered from Mumsnet it's that there's always someone somewhere judging you 😀

deadringer · 14/04/2017 20:57

Yanbu. I have five and while i am often screaming fuck fuck fuckity fuck off inside my head i manage to stay civil with my kids. Children can be bloody annoying, two of mine never stop talking and sometimes i find it hard to even think around them but i feel basic civility is the very least they deserve whatever the situation.

SovietKitsch · 14/04/2017 21:07

I don't question you putting your child in nursery when you're off, I'm just surprised it was open. No nursery I've ever used has opened on bank holidays, full stop. Pain in the arse, but true.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/04/2017 21:12

Ostensibly I completely agree with you India. What you heard sounds terrible.

However, none of us are perfect, and we've ALL made parenting mistakes that we look back on and regret, wish we'd handled differently, etc.

We'd all hate to be judged on the basis of those mistakes alone.

You saw a snapshot. It wasn't good. And you're free to judge on the basis of it. But you might be wrong.

Just like those 'judging' you on the basis of the nursery decision would be wrong. As they're trying to demonstrate.

EnthusiasticEdna · 14/04/2017 21:13

A pp mentioned low self esteem despite being treated well by parents. I was never told that I was being annoying by my parents. Never told to shut up. My Mum had endless patience despite having 4 dc. Problem was...I was in fact annoying. It took me years to pick up on the fairly polite signals and unexplained rejections by school friends and teachers. Top tip op; I agree no need to be unkind to dc but it's good for them to learn what behaviours are annoying in the safety of family life.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/04/2017 21:15

Agreed, but unless you're a robot, you've probably done something else that would get you judged if it was witnessed by another parent.

Would it be fair to draw conclusions about your parenting based on that one negative snapshot?

Barbie222 · 14/04/2017 21:16

Yanbu. So many people have no patience or self control nowadays, they just don't like having to put themselves out for someone else. I would judge anyone who spoke to me in some of the ways described here, and I wouldn't think "that's just a snapshot of her difficult day, so it's fine that she just called me an effing bitch and I'll just ignore it and look away."

HoldBackTheRain · 14/04/2017 21:28

YANBU but you don't know if it was a one off. Sometimes we all lose our temper, none of us are perfect. But some people have a very short fuse and it's a regular occurance sadly.

What makes me just as sad now is when I see toddlers in buggies on the bus or train that are bored and their parents are on their phones completely ignoring them. I was on a train a few months ago and there was a baby in his pram, he looked about 9 months old. The woman with him was on her phone, and she had put some kind of selfie stick looking device with the phone on it and attached it to the pram, and he was staring at Peppa Pig. I don'y have a halo and I'm not judging - if DS had only been born a few years ago maybe I'd do the same. I just think it's sad that everyone's glued to their phones these days rather than talking to each other.

annawoolfworries · 14/04/2017 21:28

Yanbu. Despite some posters thinking a trip to Tesco and having more then one kid excuses being abusing to a toddler

deadringer · 14/04/2017 21:38

Dowager yes i am sure i have done/said things that would be judged harshly by other people, we all make snap judgments all the time, it's human nature. Lucky for me i don't give a shit what other people think of me.

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 21:38

HoldBack i make the 2 yr old engage in endless rounds if Wind THe Bobbin Up, 5 Little Ducks etc on the bus. I think people on my bus WISH i'd put on Peppa Pig haha

Sisinisawa · 14/04/2017 21:41

It's a lot easier to be calm and lovely when you don't have to do it seven days a week.
I'm sure I'd have more patience if my children were in nursery three days a week.
As they don't go to nursery I find I do sometimes tell them to shut up because I have incredibly verbal children who talk from dawn till dusk without drawing breath. They also bicker and fight and scream at each other.
I'm an autistic introvert and it can tip me into meltdown so sometimes yes I do tell them to shut up. The alternative is me completely losing my mind.
It doesn't make me a bad parent

It's so easy to be perfect when you're paying someone else to parent for you.

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 21:46

Putting your child in childcare so you can work is not paying someone else to parent. OK she took advantage of a rare day off for a few hours but she's hardly putting them up for adoption!

No one is saying it isn't ok to tell them to be quiet, leave you alone in language appropriate for their age but there's a way of doing it that passes into abusive and if you're in your 2 year olds face swearing at them, telling them how much you dislike them, calling them names etc then you've (not YOU but general you) crossed the line

fakenamefornow · 14/04/2017 21:46

Oh I can beat that op, I saw really terrible parenting the other day. On the motorway, child about 3, not in a car seat, not even wearing a seatbelt, just hanging around in the back. Both adults in the front smoking (they did have the window open a little) then just throwing butts out of the window before closing it.

Cantusethatname · 14/04/2017 21:50

Just remember that you reap what you sow.

Bettyspants · 14/04/2017 21:50

I'm completely with you op. Yes we may well be only seeing a snap shot in someone's life but there's an awful lot of these 'snapshots' with adults swearing ,shouting and quite frankly being nasty to their children. DH is a head teacher and in charge of safeguarding. The amount of psychological abuse that goes on in children's life's is heartbreaking, I used to get really fed up of some children's behaviour and attitudes but I think in many cases it's quite understandable with what they get at home.

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 21:50

and as i said before my son doesn't go to nursery, he's been looked after by PIL's half a dozen times for a few hours each. I'm a full-time SAHP and he's very needy. None of that gives me an excuse to be abusive. It might give me an excuse to take a little longer to have go to the loo once DP is home. It might give me an excuse to mutter under my breath or tell him to go and play over there for 5 because i need some space. It might excuse me losing my temper occasionally but not for me to get i his face and be agressive or swear at him or call him names (other than stinky cos he IS) and generally make him feel like SHIT

Sisinisawa · 14/04/2017 21:51

MommaGee of course it is. You are literally paying someone to parent your child for that period of time.

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 21:54

No you're paying someone to care for your child, not be their parent for those three hours. If i put my child in nursery i expect him to be looked after, fed if appropriate, played with and taught and appropriately disciplined. I don't expect him to be parented. Same as when he goes to school - i expect him to be taught and looked after not parented

fabulous01 · 14/04/2017 21:56

I Agree with OP
I had a very rare few hours this week and I hit the shops. I too was amazed. I certainly am not a saint but these are children who are learning emotions, and behaviours. As adults we should all know better

happy2bhomely · 14/04/2017 21:57

I agree OP. I've heard some terrible things being said to children in public. I always think to myself, if that is what they say in public, what do they say in private?

There is a difference between someone at the end of their tether saying through gritted teeth, 'you need to stop right now, be quiet!' And someone saying, 'shut up you whining brat! You do my head in.' But there is also a big difference from the ones who say things like, 'shut the fuck up! You're always being a fucking whiny little cunt asking me for shit. Ask your fucking dad!' I wouldn't judge them all the same but there is no excuse for the last one. I don't care how shit your day has been!

What I really can't stand is all the posters who come on to say, 'oh you only have one. Just you wait until you have 2 or even 3! You won't be so perfect then.' I have 5. Two of them teenagers and I home ed 3 primary aged children so we spend a lot of time together! My 5th gets treated just the same as my first did. Your standards don't drop the more you have! Having multiple children is no excuse for poor parenting. If anything, you need to raise the bar.

Lots of people with children just don't seem to like them very much.

fabulous01 · 14/04/2017 22:00

Can i also ask why some here are having a go at op for dropping children to nursery on a day off and using that to do jobs! I know some who drop children to free nursery places and go and hibernate in front of telly.

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