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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let my husband come on our day out tomorrow

142 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 14/04/2017 03:48

Hi all

My husband went to work tonight, he works in a bar in the evenings.
We have arranged a day out tomorrow with our 2 boys we have got a baby sitter for the baby so we can give them some time (baby is 4 months old)

He has gone to work tonight and come home drunk, we are meant to be getting up at 7 to sort everyone's stuff and drop baby off and get going

I have told him he's not coming, I think he will ruin it by being tired and hungover, and I'm angry cause he said he wasn't drinking and I had a gut feeling all night but he kept avoiding the question

If he was avoiding the question he must of known that I'd get angry. I don't care normally at all he can do what he wants but tomorrow is kind of a big deal

I feel my 2 boys have been left a little bit what with the new baby

I don't know what to do in the morning

OP posts:

Maireadplastic · 15/04/2017 18:10

My father is much worse when there is a family event, when there is an expectation for him to be 'good'. I also know that I have had to check myself- I am in a profession where drinking at all the night before would destroy my ability to perform and in the past it's been like the temptation to scupper it has been screaming inside my head.
Could this be your husband? He knew he had to 'behave' and that made it worse?

Also- working in a bar? I don't know many barworkers/ pub landlords who AREN'T alcoholics.

Voiceforreason · 15/04/2017 18:10

I would not let it esculate LazyDaisy 29. He acted impulsively by drinking in an unplanned way and quite spoiled your day out. You were understanbly very angry and upset. You are however happy with his behaviour 95% of the time and he is a good involved dad. He is clearly very contrite now and I am sure he regrets his overindulgence. His line of work does rather lend itself to the drinking culture and I suppose he is offered drinks by the public. You needed to vent your anger and disappointment and he needed to be brought up short. I would say put it behind you know and make the rest of Easter as enjoyable as possible for you all.

Shockers · 15/04/2017 18:16

innagazing, that would be a bit unfair on the poor kids though, being left with a shit, hungover dad!

roundaboutthetown · 15/04/2017 18:24

I remember an alcoholic (sober for ten years) coming to my secondary school to talk to the sixth form about alcoholism. She explained that it took her years to realise she was an alcoholic, because she could go for weeks on end without drinking and her idea of an alcoholic was someone who had to drink before breakfast and who hid bottles around the house. However, if she did have a drink, she was utterly incapable of stopping at one or two, and it eventually got to the point that when she did drink, she often drank enough to black out and forget half of what she had done the night before. She explained that this is a form of alcoholism, too - exceptionally bad for the health, destructive to relationships and not under the control of the addict. The only way she could stop it was by giving up alcohol altogether, but not before she had done irreversible harm to her liver, her career and the rest of her family.

WomblingThree · 15/04/2017 18:35

I imagine I will get jumped on for generalising (and I'm not excusing him) but a lot of people in the hospitality industry have a drink problem. It's just so easy to slide into.

You spend 12+ hours a day surrounded by booze. Customers buy you drinks, which you have with them because it's important to socialise with your guests. When you change a barrel, you taste the beer to make sure it's ok. At first it's a little drop, then it's a pint. You get some new wine in; got to try it so you know about it when someone asks if it's good. Hot day, glass of coke, stick a vodka in because why not? Shit shift, drinks after work. Great shift, drinks after work. Alcohol creeps insidiously into your life.

Because you are already in the environment, you aren't actually going "out". You justify to yourself that you are earning money, not just having a good time. You very rarely drink at home; you don't need to as you are in a bar 6 nights a week anyway.

A couple of these experiences are mine, the rest are colleagues' experiences. As I said, I'm absolutely not taking his side, just explaining a little.

38cody · 15/04/2017 19:10

No - make him go with you and let him suffer.

Original poster

LazyDaisy29 · 15/04/2017 20:08

I think a lot of people thought that from what I said he was a shitty dad that just went out and got drunk every weekend while I took the kids out and let him recover and that I needed councilling and all sorts
But I put it across wrong
He goes out once every so often and I don't mind letting him recover nicely if it's a planned event
What I won't stand for in spontaneous drinking and just showing up home drunk, and this is what he did Thursday night, ruining our day on Friday
I do think he has a drinking problem in the sense he can't say no,
If he's training hard in the gym he will say no and if he's focusing on something he can
I think on Thursday he had a glass of wine with his meal and got the taste for it and got drunk accidentally. I don't think he meant to sabotage our day but I was angry cause he knows himself as well as I do and he knows he can't have one.
He messed up royally Thursday night and messed our day up even though he tried
I'm not now defending him he was a complete bastard and knows it and feels terrible
He has sat us down today and said let's all go to the zoo Saturday with the baby and take a picnic to make up for the rubbish day Friday
I'm thankful he can see where he went wrong and this sort of thing hasn't happened for years
We are enjoying the rest of the weekend
Thank you everyone who commented some things made me see sense
I told him I think he is a problematic drinker and he agrees and is going to seek councilling xx

OP posts:

StarryIllusion · 15/04/2017 20:26

One thing you said op, that you didn't think it was that bad as you protected the children from it the next day? Your children should not need to be protected from their own father.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/04/2017 21:09

Good luck, Daisy

car5ys · 15/04/2017 21:24

He'd get no sympathy from me. Today dd has had to go to work at teatime having stumbled in at 4.30 am, spent the next hour throwing up and then further throwing up until an hour before work at 5pm. She had to wash her own bedding (sicky dribble etc) and remake her bed for her return from work at midnight tonight. Fortunately she dosen't do this very often but waking me at 4 am and keeping me awake for over an hour with the banging and crashing around is not conduisive to a pleasant Saturday (I rarely get Saturdays off work). I will go and pick her up though.

dodgypinz · 16/04/2017 02:54

Have to say I have a problematic relationship with booze myself, but in a slightly different way. My father was a binge drinker combined with chronic jealousy and a tendency to knock my mother around. He ruined just about every special occasion, specially Christmases of my growing up years. I married a (lovely) man who had been brought up in a ridiculously strict (freaky extreme Christians) non drinkers. He drank as a teenager to annoy them. At problematic periods in our marriage it seemed to fulfil the same function until we both came to grips with it via help from AA and Alernon (the organisation for friends and families of people with drink problems ).
There is more I could mention but suffice it to say some days I wish all booze under the sea, whilst once in a blue moon when I really fancy a G&T ...well I am happy to have one! But it does leave me conflicted, as does this thread.
I wouldn't have advised OP to take hung over dad OR leave him behind. She is likely to know probable outcomes better than us. Either way I give her particularly and at least in the final analysis, him too, a round of applause for working together to understand one another and find ways of making things better for the whole family.

Lovelymess · 16/04/2017 09:04

Sounds like my Dh. Leave Him at home and go have fun and show him some piccies of what he missed out on

ShakingAndShocked · 16/04/2017 18:00

A binge drinker who cannot stop doing that in spite of the consequences is an alcoholic - so so many misconceptions about what an alcoholic is on these threads. Nope, its not the wino on the bench, it's your friends; your family; your boss; your anyone and it's so not picky.

Only OP's DH can know if he could have stopped himself last night, but given he didn't - yet did know what today was all about - it might be worth a gentle word and a brief look at the AA website to see how much of it resonates with him.

ShakingAndShocked · 16/04/2017 18:01

Bloody hell. SO many x-posts!

Instasista · 16/04/2017 20:50

Sorry shaking I've got to ask- are you saying someone who goes out and gets wankered 3/4 times a year and has a mega hangover after which ruins their day is an alcoholic?

Haffdonga · 16/04/2017 21:25

Instasista
If that person who goes out and binge drinks does so despite knowing that it is damaging to their relationships with friends and family and they choose getting bladdered on alcohol over any other priorities in their life (e.g.family, dcs, job, health) then they probably are alcoholic.

Not all alcoholics drink every day, every week or even every year

Instasista · 16/04/2017 21:46

Do you have any qualifications for that diagnosis? Or is it an opinion?

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