AIBU to not let my husband come on our day out tomorrow

[LazyDaisy29]

Hi all

My husband went to work tonight, he works in a bar in the evenings.
We have arranged a day out tomorrow with our 2 boys we have got a baby sitter for the baby so we can give them some time (baby is 4 months old)

He has gone to work tonight and come home drunk, we are meant to be getting up at 7 to sort everyone's stuff and drop baby off and get going

I have told him he's not coming, I think he will ruin it by being tired and hungover, and I'm angry cause he said he wasn't drinking and I had a gut feeling all night but he kept avoiding the question

If he was avoiding the question he must of known that I'd get angry. I don't care normally at all he can do what he wants but tomorrow is kind of a big deal

I feel my 2 boys have been left a little bit what with the new baby

I don't know what to do in the morning

I hope he feels totally shit that he spoiled your children's day out.
I'm all for having a few drinks but not for wrecking a well planned kid's day out.
Idiot.

My brother isn't an alcoholic at all. He boasts about not bothering if he eats or not then jokes about "the alcohol diet". He winges about not being able to drive if he has a third pint, then one suddenly appears and still gets behind the wheel an hour later - possibly not over the limit, but still .

His wife isn't an alcoholic. She just has to go out at 9pm if there's no booze in the house to buy more. She hardly eats and really should be thinner considering how much she eats but isn't because of what she drinks. She doesn't consider herself an alcoholic as she no longer drinks in the mornings as she used to a bit over 10 years ago.

When we went to stay with them for two nights a couple of years ago (never again), there was hardly any food in the house. After searching for something for dd for breakfast, I finally found a loaf of bread in the freezer and a tiny pot of marmite. I brought my own food and bits and bobs for dd. Dh had to fend for himself as I felt rather rude about bringing our own food but as I have ME not eating for me is catastrophic. Still I did expect a bit food more than that. Instead of going to the supermarket for food, my brother was in the pub when we arrived. He had taken the day off work and chose to in the boozer for a couple of hours at least. I can well imagine their child spends lots of time in the crappy play area at the local pub.

Perhaps your dh isn't there yet, but if he can't control himself and he's got kids, there are a bunch of red flags in your posts.

And I'm sorry the day was ruined.

men and drink

I feel your pain OP X

God mummyoflittledragon that sounds awful

He slept on the sofa last night and I have left him with all 3 kids while I come out for a few hours this morning
I'm really angry with him still
I think one of the children noticing has done it for me

I had councilling cause I hated him just turning up drunk
So for years we have an agreement that he tells me what his plans are, not asking him to ask me just tell me what he's doing
And if he's out drinking I make arrangements for me and the kids the next day and he deals with his hangover and the kids no none the wiser when we get home in the afternoon
It works for us and I'm angry that he changed things
His drinking sometimes makes me think what it will be like to have an 18 year old child so sometimes it's hard not to treat him like a child, I don't want to and that's why I originally went for councilling to learn how to treat it
He is 95% perfect so I never wanted to chuck it all away because of moments like these so that's why we came up with a "coping mechanism". And he took that away from me yesterday and ruined our whole day x

And if he's out drinking I make arrangements for me and the kids the next day and he deals with his hangover

Wow, talk about being rewarded for going out on a bender, and waking up with a stonking hangover.

He gets to a). go on the bender, and b). sleep it off all the live long day, while you skivvy around doing any housework and looking after the kids.

Talk about enabling him.

And your OP asks about 'not letting him come on your day out' again, being rewarded for getting slaughtered and hungover with a nice peaceful day-long loll about the house, while you do all the skivvying.

You've obviously come up with some coping tactics - but to the uninvolved onlooker, it looks like a brilliant, enabling set-up for him, and downright shit for you.

What you describe is not normal, not normal at all, and I'm no pearl-clutching teetotal, by any means.

Yes he shouldn't have to ask permission but he can't then choose to opt out of everything the next day. If he has to go through the pain of dealing with a hangover and normal family life, like yesterday, it may help him realise that the night before isn't worth the day after. At the moment there is no incentive to stop.

Hope you can work something out.

He was awful for years but since going councilling and coming up with our arrangement it did change from every weekend to once every 3-4 months
So that's how I know it works
When he was doing it all the time and I was giving him a hard time he felt like I was mothering him and almost thought he'd do it more cause I told him he couldn't x

Well I hope he realise he ballsed up when it means letting his kids down. I hope realises it's because it affected them that you are so angry. And I hope it will be a one off, because it doesn't bode well for your future if he keeps letting the kids down.

When drinking /being pissed /hungover instead of enjoying his dc in general then he has a drink problem imo. . You should voice your opinion on him having so much social time when it's at the expense of your dc having a positive relationship with their df.

But he also sounds just a bit pathetic. He goes out boozing every 3-4 months and needs a day at home with the kids taken away to recover? What a wimp.

OP I think you're missing a vital part of the puzzle here- he doesn't care about you getting stressed and upset. He doesn't care about the kids questioning his capabilities. You can't concentrate on any of this because he doesn't care (and tbh, I don't think that's all that awful- who wants to spend their hangover worrying about their partner working themselves into a strop?)

All you can do is decide what you find acceptable and not. I don't think your situation is uncommon at all. Some people eventually split up; sometimes the partner just decides a few times a year isn't worth the drama and accepts it.

"I think one of the children noticing has done it for me"
I'm sorry to say this OP, but it really was inevitable. I pointed out earlier that your boy was wise beyond his 9 years. Maybe I should have been clearer - he knows what is going on. And it is hurting him. He knows he comes lower in his dad's priorities than alcohol. The important thing is - what are you going to do about it? How do you protect your children from having his behaviour taint their lives? Because frankly, whilst your 'coping strategy' may have reduced the frequency, it effectively enables your husband to continue treating you and the children like shit.

Your boy, at nine (nine!) is hurt by his behaviour and is starting to lose respect for him. He is also absorbing the behaviour you are modelling to him - accepting of shit behaviour, enabling his drinking. You, and your husband, are teaching him how relationships work. You are teaching him that the drinker is at the top of the hierarchy. How would you feel if he started to behave like his dad? Started to show you the same lack of respect? Treated his future partners like that? Continued the cycle? And yes, as your other children get older, they will also become aware of their position in the family - less important to their dad than alcohol . And less important to their mum than their dad's drinking.

Your coping strategy might be working for you - as long as you are prepared to enable his benders. I think it's pretty clear from your son's statement that it is absolutely not working for him.

I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss the situation. He 's been able to shirk off hurting you (most couples don't need counselling to cope) - is he going to do the same to his children? The older they get, the more aware of it they are going to become. You need a new plan. One that doesn't involve your children 'coping' with their father.

*TheDowagerCuntess Sat 15-Apr-17 09:56:21
And if he's out drinking I make arrangements for me and the kids the next day and he deals with his hangover

Wow, talk about being rewarded for going out on a bender, and waking up with a stonking hangover.

He gets to a). go on the bender, and b). sleep it off all the live long day, while you skivvy around doing any housework and looking after the kids.

Talk about enabling him.

And your OP asks about 'not letting him come on your day out' confused again, being rewarded for getting slaughtered and hungover with a nice peaceful day-long loll about the house, while you do all the skivvying.

You've obviously come up with some coping tactics - but to the uninvolved onlooker, it looks like a brilliant, enabling set-up for him, and downright shit for you.

What you describe is not normal, not normal at all, and I'm no pearl-clutching teetotal, by any means.*

Dowager is SO right- you really are enabling him! He's broken your agreement ,so now is the perfect time to renegotiate how things happen in your house.
Personally, i'd be leaving the children behind with him, when he has a hangover, and go out by myself for the day.
Have you considered the Al anon services for relatives of alcoholics?

He has a problem with drinking and its you that goes to counselling and you that has to have the coping mechanism and you that has to do all the sorting out of the kids and the caring when he is hungover.

does this seem like an equitable agreement to you when you read it back OP?

for those of you saying stop treating him like a child, when he behaves like one then its actually hard not to.

he seems to be living exactly the life he wants whilst you are expected to run around and enable him to do this.

he knew about the day out because he arranged it so if he actually gave a shiny shit about you or the children then the night before drinking and having a hangover would have been the absolutely last thing on his mind. If this was a one off event, not happened before then fair enough. but it isn't.

He needs the counselling and he needs to start putting your needs and the needs of your children before himself. Your children now know that having a night out on the piss with some acquaintances is more important than the whole day without the baby.

why were the kids grumpy? because they picked up on your husbands demeanour and are now old enough to do this. so get used to this OP, them behaving badly when he does. no more sneaking out the door at 10am on a Saturday so he can have his lie in and turn up like nothing has happened.

I always knew that if my children saw him with a hangover they would feel like that, hence why I take them away from it to sort himself out

He is a good dad, he is out with them all day on a Saturday at all their clubs, he's at football Friday night with our 9 year old, he's always playing with them.

He is a dj and an events organiser and he also loves doing it so it's the environment that he's in, he usually controls himself

I didn't think him going out and enjoying himself was such a terrible thing and as I protected our children the next day was it really that bad.

Obviously I've been getting it all wrong x

If it really is once every 3/4 months then I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. It's 3 hangovers in a year. I hardly drink now but if I have a rare night out and have a hangover the next day my DH will take Dd out and let me sleep it off. I'd do the same for him. It's what all couples I know do for each other. Your doing this 3 times a year for your dh, I think this is pretty normal.

There was no need for him to get bladdered the night before your trip though. That was unbelievably selfish.

Nothing but sympathy for you OP. He sounds exactly like my husband. Sociable job, DJ etc, GREAT dad (when he's around and sober) but with a borderline drink and drugs problem that I am always picking up the pieces of. It's not OK. I don't have a solution. The situation isn't bad enough for me to leave him and be a single mum to 4 kids. But it's not OK. If I behaved like him our kids would be taken into care. But he doesn't even admit he's got a problem.

I agree with XiCi. My dh goes out and has a lot to drink and sleeps off the next day on rare occasions such as a preplanned works evening out, a boys evening out or a stag do. These happen about 3 times a year. Like your dh, he used to go out a lot more than that. Not every weekend. But this was before he had kids. I think a lot changes when you have kids. I know I drank a lot more before I had ivf for dd. She's almost 9 and wasn't my first attempt so that's over 10 years ago.

My dh did have an issue with drinking at home in the evenings to unwind and was drinking 750/850ml a week but at times he drank over a litre. He has now made significant changes now and is drinking a lot less because it was starting to be a problem. I am very proud of him for doing this. I hope your ds seeing how your dh really was will prompt your dh to make changes as well.

Thank you ladies
He has made massive changes
There was times we didn't see him for a few days
So letting him sleep if a hangover 3 times a year for a planned night out is a breeze for us
And as I take the kids out I don't expose them to this very small part of him

We want for nothing and he's brilliant
It's just what he did yesterday was not ok, he fell of the wagon if you like and knows he was wrong and selfish

X

"So letting him sleep if a hangover 3 times a year for a planned night out is a breeze for us"
This wasn't a planned night out. This was a planned day out for your two eldest.

Yes 3 times a year is fine. But not before a big day out for the kids. As long as he has learned his lesson that one, then all will hopefully be fine. Will he make it up to you all by planning another day out?

Your treating a grown man like a child! So what if he got drunk. your going to punish him by not letting him see his kids. He says he fine so let him get on with it. Your his wife/girlfriend not his mother.

Griffu
RTT
He was anything BUT fine he spoiled the day for everyone.

He himself had planned a day out for his kids then he went and ruined it cos he couldnt say no to too much drink.

Nobody punished him, it was all his own stupid fault he got into that state, why should he get to spoil it for everyone just cos he is the kids dad?

It wasnt even going to be a 'punishment' it was to save the kids having to see him moaning and hungover and being a pia as Op knew what he was like the morning after the night before.

I'm confused OP - so everything's fine now, till the next time?