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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
Norland · 13/04/2017 19:08

PollyPerky

No BC is 100% effective.

I'm pretty sure celibacy is.

Original poster
ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 19:44

I'm 100% sure the 3rd party is not skimming off money.

Have had a think today. I don't want to blow his world apart. It's up to him to tell his wife, the truth will eventually come out.

My DS has enough love from the amazing network around us. I can't make his father want to see him, as much as I would love him to.

I will never lie to DS, it will all be age appropriate answers when he asks. I've had counselling over this to make sure I do the right thing by DS. I fully prepared myself for what I was doing totally alone. The small financial part is "shut up" money from his father.

He can't go on his BC as he needs to present - can't see that happening.

To all the shitty comments on here, I thank you for confirming what I already know.

To all the constructive positive comments, I thank you for your non judgmental views.

OP posts:
greeeen · 13/04/2017 20:17

I would ask him for more money and then think about court as a last resort. He should be paying a fair amount of child support, based on income, regardless of the fact his DC was the result of an affair.

supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 20:33

One day, it may be 10 years from now, your desire for a quick shag is going to blow some family apart. Please do not be trite about your actions.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 13/04/2017 20:41

If you need more money ask him for it. Presumably he could do this through the same way he has been doing. it might be worth meeting up to see what he wants. If your DC wants details about his father later on the. You can show you have tried to keep the option of a relationship with his father open. No one is perfect and what happened happened. You and your child are still entitled to the same amount of support both practically, emotionally and financially irrespective of the circumstances surrounding his conception

acornsandnuts · 13/04/2017 20:42

From what I've read I do t think op is being trite at all.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 13/04/2017 20:45

By the way, please ignore the horrible comments on here from the people who are obviously perfect in every way. You sound like you're doing an amazing job in what must be sometimes difficult circumstances, don't beat yourself up about past mistakes when you're doing so well with the present.

supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 20:47

Op doesn't seem massively remorseful for her actions. Perhaps trite was the wrong word.

laureywilliams · 13/04/2017 20:50

There are some real bitches on here. Hope they never stop being so perfect.

Why you had an affair, the rights or wrongs of it or who is most responsible are irrelevant.

I think your son should have the amount the csa entitles him to. Whether you do this via the CSA or just inform him of the amount and continue your arrangement is up to you and him.

Good luck. Sounds like you've worked really hard to make the best out of a difficult situation.

laureywilliams · 13/04/2017 20:54

I'm not sure where the OP is being trite?

As for remorseful. Some people here would like her to be beating herself with the same stick they are using but perhaps, years later, she finds it hard to feel massive remorse when she has a lovely son.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 13/04/2017 20:55

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues

Is this why you fell pregnant to a married man & went ahead with the pregnancy?

You both regard your dc like a dirty little secret.

leapoffaithlease · 13/04/2017 21:01

Suoermoon has obviously been cheated on. The attitude and nasty comments say it all.

10 years from now I will be old. I am old as it is.

Original poster
ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 21:03

I didn't purposely fall pregnant with a married man, I was on the pill.

I went ahead with the pregnancy as I couldn't abort a baby. (You probably can?)

OP posts:
supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 21:04

'It was a silly time in my life and no-one got hurt', wtf! That's what you call remorse! Jesus h. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I simply do not relate to this at all. She had a choice. She made it and now she's cross about some of the repercussions of that choice!

MadMags · 13/04/2017 21:06

If I were you, I would text:

"Please don't contact me again, unless you want to establish contact with your son. The pitiful monthly payments you're making aren't enough to adequately support your child and therefore need to be increased to xxx starting next payment."

MadMags · 13/04/2017 21:07

There's nothing shameful about an abortion, OP. Hmm

Theblueplanet · 13/04/2017 21:08

So was your DC's father married to wife no3 at the time of conception? If not, I can't see why you wouldn't raise your issues with him.

dailystuck71 · 13/04/2017 21:10

She had a choice? Are you suggesting she should have aborted the baby?

supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 21:12

As far as I know, no-one has ever cheated on me! I have and always have had (even before I was married), a real problem with women who sleep with married men. Obviously the blokes are out of order as well. It's just I am a woman and i just can't imagine ever doing it. Sorry if I sound over principled and preachy. It's just something I feel strongly about. Just say no!

laureywilliams · 13/04/2017 21:12

Supermoon go and get some therapy to get over whoever cheated on you.

She's not cross. Just wants some opinions about how/if she should ask the Father for an increase in maintenance.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 13/04/2017 21:13

It was a silly time in my life and no-one got hurt

Lots of remorse there for his poor wife and the child who has to be kept a secret.... not. You many not have got hurt but don't seem to care about the others involved.

The pill is highly effective if taken correctly. A wealthy married man and a "surprise" pregnancy would automatically bring to mind a failed attempt to snare him.

needsahalo · 13/04/2017 21:15

If you have a legal right to more money to support the child then you can go through the courts to get that. It is not rocket science. Either do it or not. If it would make a difference to your son's life then it is something to consider

The CMS has jurisdiction, as I previously said. They are the first port of call, not the courts. Only if he is a very high earner would the courts get involved.

I went ahead with the pregnancy as I couldn't abort a baby. (You probably can?)

And you expect people not to judge you? Yeah, that'll work.

LittleBearPad · 13/04/2017 21:18

supermoon get off your high horse. Yes there was an affair - not great but the OP has subsequently brought the resulting child up alone with limited/no assistance.

Thr man continues to text her when feels in need of a shag. Which the Op doesn't provide. His behaviour was and continues to be atrocious to the OP, his don and his wife (plus wife no 2 and wife no 1).

haveacupoftea · 13/04/2017 21:18

The comments on here are unbelievable. Yes she did something wrong. Nowhere near as wrong as what HE did and continues to do. This is a person who has been to counselling to come to terms with her situation FFS.

Anyway, the child's father should be paying the appropriate amount of money for his child and I would tell him he either coughs up or you go to CMS. He has to face what he did.

StrawberryJelly00 · 13/04/2017 21:19

The way you say "no one got hurt" op

You mean apart from your child who doesn't know/has never met his father and will grow up to wonder why his father does not want him or why he is some kind of dirty little secret.

The most important person in all of this will get hurt and is hurt and all you can think about is taking this man to court for MONEY.....

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