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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

426 replies

ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 09:05

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 13/04/2017 14:14

Poor child, kept a secret because both parents acted irresponsibly. Children are a huge responsibility yet so often born into ridiculous circumstances with no planning or thought whatsoever. Some put more thought into that nights meal than they do contraception wise.

Asking for more money out of spite just makes it sounds like the child is being used to target the father as a cashpoint.

If he's not paying half the cost of food/clothes/childcare of course he should be but it sounds more like you want more out of spite and because you can.

NotMyPenguin · 13/04/2017 14:21

Rainbows, what an unnecessarily nasty comment.

Accidental pregnancies do happen in all sorts of circumstances, and the OP says above that they were using contraception.

And I hardly think it's spiteful to want to ask for child maintenance, or to feel upset at the father taking very little responsibility for his child yet complaining about how hard his life is when the OP is taking full responsibility for ALL of the daily grind of parenting their child.

supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 14:32

The best form of contraception is 'no thanks you're a married man'

Atenco · 13/04/2017 14:40

Rainbow

Poor child has a loving mother and family around him and a father who can afford to and should pay a lot more.

As for "Asking for more money out of spite"!!! Words fail me.

I have yet to meet the person who never makes mistakes, but maybe you are the exception.

ohforfoxsake · 13/04/2017 14:52

So, he wants to meet but has firmly set the scene and is basically cautioning you to not rock the boat. To do so would turn him into a victim and you the persecutor. He's laying the ground work.

No doubt he'll plead that he can't offer more than he has to give. Don't have any expectations of him, so he can't let you down? Poor lamb.

I would absolutely ask for more money. I would put it away for DC's future. It's the least he could do.

Don't understand your 'not a feminist' comment mind.

supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 14:57

Why a woman would not want equal pay and equal rights for other women all over the world is beyond me. Why you would not want a world where all 6 year old girls csn be safe fron having their genitals mutilated is even more astonishing. But hey carry on sleeping with other women's husbands

Dozer · 13/04/2017 15:01

Go down the formal route to get more maintenance.

Original poster
ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 15:01

Super moon - are all men equal across the world?

OP posts:
Original poster
ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 15:05

The I'm not a feminist comment was in response to a pp saying I was "a great feminist"

OP posts:
supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 15:07

No nine! all men are not equal, but women should be equal to men

Original poster
ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 15:07

I believe in equality for all. Not just women.

OP posts:
muckypup73 · 13/04/2017 15:12

Op he is taking the mick, I would ask him for more money, hes had his cake, hes eaten it and does not want to pay the price, why on earth should he get away with it? and moan non stop, he knew exactly what he was doing,let us know how you go on. And please dont give him what he wants, because again he will be having his cake and eating it.

supermoon100 · 13/04/2017 15:13

Ha! What a kop out.

BadKnee · 13/04/2017 15:16

If you have a legal right to more money to support the child then you can go through the courts to get that. It is not rocket science. Either do it or not. If it would make a difference to your son's life then it is something to consider.

You chose to have an affair and to have a child. You were not using contraception. Neither was he. You had further choices after that. He did not. Your decision and you chose to have the baby.

He has a legal duty to pay maintenance.

Anything else is unimportant. Any relationship he will or won't have with his son or with you is up to him, you and ultimately your child, (when old enough). No doubt you will agree that between you.

The "being nice" stuff is pathetic. You are neither nice nor nasty and it has no bearing on your right to maintenance for the child.

Some might judge you for being deceitful and cruel to the wife. Some might judge you for wanting revenge or a slice of the money now that you realize how hard this is. Others would not. It is neither here nor there. Apply for the money you are entitled to. Or don't. But don't kid yourself that you are being nice if you choose not to.

Laiste · 13/04/2017 15:20

I don't understand why people think colluding with keeping a wife in the dark about her husbands affairs is performing some sort of kindness to her Confused

Who here wouldn't want to know?!

Dumbo412 · 13/04/2017 15:22

Some of the posts have been awful. You and your child deserve for his dad to put his hand in his pocket.

No way he Should get away without it.

Original poster
ninenicknames · 13/04/2017 15:24

Bad I said before contraception was used. It failed. I couldn't have an abortion.

OP posts:
Boiing · 13/04/2017 15:30

Haven't read the whole thread but are you 100% sure that the third party who pays you is not skimming off any money? Might be worth discreetly checking the amount with the 'father' if you haven't already.

If you can I'd avoid replying to the emotional moany stuff, but send a pleasant professional email saying that now DC is getting older it's probably a good idea to plan for the future, as DC's expenses go up etc. Eg is there a will saying what happens if you die? How would money be handled then? Who would look after him? Perhaps father should set up a trust? Ask Citizens Advice Bureau or a lawyer what you are entitled to. Also have you and father agreed what to tell DC about his dad when he's older?

(Sorry there are a few judgy pants on mumsnet but that's the internet for you.)

Good luck xxx

carefreeeee · 13/04/2017 15:35

He really ought to tell his wife! It's disrespectful not to tell her - bad enough to have slept with someone else in the first place, but to keep this a secret is storing up massive trouble for the future.

Your child has a right to know who their father is. One day it will all come out.

Meet with him and encourage him to come clean with his family, see his child, and give you the correct amount of money

Inertia · 13/04/2017 15:36

I think your best bet is to get legal advice.

When you say that the father pays the minimum, is that less than he'd pay if you went through CSA/CMS? Your child has a right to be provided for by , so the father should be paying at least the CSA minimum, and it would be useful to get that formalised in case he chooses to stop paying in future.

I'd be tempted to respond by thanking him for getting in touch as you need to discuss formalising the child maintenance arrangements, and that you are willing to make your child available for contact. This would make it clear that you are putting your child at the forefront of your decisions, but does not open the door to restarting the affair.

Atenco · 13/04/2017 16:00

"I don't understand why people think colluding with keeping a wife in the dark about her husbands affairs is performing some sort of kindness to her"

I agree. The wife is entitled to know

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/04/2017 16:13

Not only shagging a married man, but not using birth control either.

If only someone will invent male contraception so the onus isn't solely on the woman all the time... Hmm

PollyPerky · 13/04/2017 16:16

If you read the previous posts from the OP she said she was using birth control.
No BC is 100% effective.

PollyPerky · 13/04/2017 16:18

Atenco why don't you RTFT?
We haven't been told if his current wife (No 3) was the one he was unfaithful to with the OP.

People are colluding?
Ha!

This is a forum.

No one is colluding- just giving opinions.

lasttimeround · 13/04/2017 16:22

Sorry op. What a bunch of bitter comments you're getting. Of course he should pay towards the upkeep of his child. It's not a matter of bring nice or nasty to him. Make enquiries on how amounts are worked out and get him to cough up.

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