What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

He's the one who was married and committing adultery. I don't know why women seem to get blamed for what men do in such circumstances.

However, I do feel there's a lot missing. He's sending you needy texts, which you don't like, but you are thinking he should pay you more. These sound like two separate things to me. But if you ask for more money he's going to be in your life more rather than less, isn't he? Can you put up with that.

OP if you need more cash in order to support your son I'd raise it with him first and see what he says. then take it from there.

I would go for more money OP and for him to acknowledge as his father. Just because further down the line anything could happen. For example my step son 'helped' a lady get pregnant, she did not want him just a baby and she has never contacted him. He is married. We found out in the last few years he carries a heart defect gene and he now has to contact her and tell her and is shitting himself his wife will find out. Also your child has the right to turn up on his doorstep and find out about him. I also had an affair with a married man, didn't know when I first fell for him though. It's easy to be perfect judging someone else ignore them and do the right thing for your DC.

MadMags OP Didn't say there was - only that she couldn't do it in response to this little gem:
is this why you fell pregnant to a married man & went ahead with the pregnancy?

Since pp seem to be suggesting she had some kind of deliberate plan to get upduffed and that going ahead with the pregnancy was unreasonable.
Jeez talk about bodily autonomy.

I also love the irony that women who 'can't imagine behaving like that' i.e. Sleeping with a married, don't seem to have an issue with kicking the OP when She's down or judging her for not aborting her child!

Clearly pretty selective morals.

Where have I said I am remorseful?

Strawberry it is not the OP's responsibility to make the father meet his son. He's a grown man if he wanted to, he could have a relationship with his son.

In the meantime his son needs food, clothes, toys etc. It is his fathers responsibility to meet some of these costs.

Vet it was the "I couldn't have an abortion but I bet you could" shite that i took exception to!

This is a person who has been to counselling to come to terms with her situation FFS

And of course no one ever cheated on has suffered long term, needed counselling, anti-depressants, psych support, had their lives turned upside down, struggled to recover....oh, and had to bring up their children alone. And all because they remained faithful. Who would have thought it?!

I haven't read the full thread, but my feelings are: it takes two people to enter into an affair. He was married, he made a choice to cheat on his wife. Therefore he has to face up to his responsibilities. I doubt very much that he'd be able to hide the existence of your DC forever anyway. These things come out. Your DC will probably want to get in contact when he/she is older. I would go through the proper channels and get the maintenance you're entitled to. You don't owe him anything.

So op you are not remorseful? That is very cold and detached. I get that you have a beautiful child but how can you not care about the pain this will cause to another family?

some kind of dirty little secret

what a vile thing to say about a small child, says more about you than anyone else strawberry

The only person with a secret is the Father.

There's nothing here to suggest that the OP's son isn't a happy, loved little boy. He doesn't know his real Dad but he's hardly unusual in that. How many people actually live in some perfect nuclear family in RL?

didn't purposely fall pregnant with a married man, I was on the pill

From what you've posted on here you have no personal integrity - and i am inclined to believe you knew EXACTLY what you were doing the whole time.

I'm 36, always used contraception and have never had a 'fail/accident'.

If i 'accidentally' fell pregnant and knew i couldn't afford a child then yes, in that circumstance i WOULD have an early termination....i don't expect others to fund my lifestyle choices.

I certainly wouldn't go ahead and have the child, and then treat it like a dirty little secret whilst i milk the sperm donor for money.

i have more self respect than that.

I was on the pill and then Depo and had two children despite religiously taking it. That's why they allowed me to be sterilised.

Couldnt I got pregnant with dc3 as a result of failed contraception (coil).

Charming couldn't.

It is quite possible that there a myriad reasons why the OP couldn't have a termination be they ethical, religious, medical or simply that she didn't want to.

The married man could have decided not to shag about, if he couldn't make that decision he could have used condoms.

Regardless he has a child, he has a responsibility to support his child.

Supermoon that is the married man's responsibility. Given his current (and third wife) was also previously his mistress she'd be incredibly naive to imagine he's reformed.

The most important person here is your dc. He/she didn't ask to be born and is not to blame for his origins. You do sound like a strong person who is doing a good job of being a single mum. I think your dc has a right to the same financial support and inheritance as his half siblings. He also has a right to get to know his father although I see why this would be very difficult.

laurey

get your facts straight before trying to twist someone else's words [hmm)

It was me who said the op and the sperm donor are treating their dc LIKE a dirty little secret....i never said their child WAS a 'dirty secret'.

There is a big difference between the two.

As you seem to lack some comprehension skills, i will spell it out for you - the child is an INNOCENT VICTIM of his parent's selfishness and narcissism.

I am certainly not judging for keeping the baby. I would have done the same. keep the baby and get as much money out of rich baby daddy as you can. No, I am judging for the decision to allow his sperm inside you in the first place, the repercussions of which you are now complaining about.

Why don't you have a look on the CSA/CMS calculator and see what he should be paying, then ask him for that amount. If he says no, go through the CSA.

No need to waste money on solicitors.

If you feel your child is entitled to more money in support, ask for it either via CMS or the courts. Personally I think it's worth a visit to a solicitor to determine your child's current and future rights. You do realize that he can stop paying at any time and/or if the man pops off tomorrow any support will stop and there's no law saying your child will be considered in his estate. If inheritance isn't a concern, at least be sure that if or when the support stops it isn't going to have a disastrous effect on your child's standard of living. Your first concern must be for your child, not for this man.

As far as his douchey emails sniffing around for a shag, ignore them. Don't even dignify them with a response.

Definitely ask for what your child needs and is entitled to. This man fathered a child and is responsible for his child's welfare.

My dad cheated on my mum for years and it destroyed my mother and our family.

You are getting lots of great advice here and I hope you get the result you need for your child, who is completely innocent here and deserves proper maintenance from their father. Get advice from a lawyer if necessary.

Don't sleep with married men - it's really low. Plus he sounds like a real douche.

No matter what type of threads I read, there always seems to be some fucker who manages to squeeze in a "I wouldn't expect society to fund my child" - followed by spiel about why that means abortion what is the only morally right thing to do.

Women do not have to feel that not having their child is the "right" option if their circumstances are what you would deem ideal. Please fuck right off with that sentiment.

Wow, even though I stand by what I said, please let me apologise for the absolutely atrocious way it was written. I have all day morning sickness and wrote it lying in bed sideways on my laptop

Haven't read the full thread, but my initial thought is that the father needs to be on the birth certificate. Is he's not, he doesn't owe you any maintenance at all, as he legally is not your son's father. Then you can simply ask for more money.