What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

As the OP has said she received the monies via 3rd party, she might have a problem getting HMRC to agree with your line of thinking NotMyPenguin

Wow, you're such a feminist OP. The sisterhood is alive and well. Have you thought about how your actions will rip apart his innocent wife and kids? Yes, he's to blame, but so are you. Not only shagging a married man, but not using birth control either.

Do get what your son is legally entitled to, OP. Considering that your ex is the one who broke his vows and your son is entirely innocent, why is your son losing out to protect his cheating father?

Norland - I thought cash gifts between individuals generally didn't attract a UK tax liability. I don't know if it affects benefits, but either way, the OP has said nothing to indicate she's not declared whatever she needs to declare and your post comes across as more than slightly spiteful.

Would you give the same advice if the OP hadn't been involved with a married man?

harsh feminism does not mean always being nice to other women. At all.

harshbuttrue1980 - so what is she meant to do? Are you suggesting an innocent child go without so the sins of his mother get properly punished?

There really are some awful people on here who seem quite happy for anyone to suffer as long as they get to vicariously give an OW a kicking.

harsh The OP wasn't the one who stood in front of others and said marriage vows to DW number 3 though, was she? How is it that in a situation like this the OW always comes off worse than the married man? Sure, it's all a shitstorm but to blame one side more than the other seems so anti-sisterhood, too.

Bunch of judgy mcjudgy pants on here.

OP I think you have had some good feed back from some of the PPs. Definitely look out for your child. Ignore the posts telling you you brought it on yourself. You did what you did and you've owned it. What more you should be expected to do is beyond me.

Yes both of you were bad in having the affair. However it's done now, many years ago and it's a bit late to launch a moral crusade against the OP now isn't it?!

I'm not going to join the ranks of those who seem to think you should be forever forbidden from joining in society ever ever again. That's disproportionate and yet again leaves the woman holding the baby whilst the man gets off scot free.

So, I think you need some legal advice on the 3rd party payments now and what that could mean in the future, and then pros / cons of making it more formal.

And of course YANBU to be pissed of with his whining oh woe is me, with him trying to push you into picking up the other side of the rope to have a proper tug of war over such a gorgeous manling

Op - don't rush to make a decision right now when you're angry. Take some time over this to think it through. You don't need to decide today, tomorrow or even this month.

Not knowing all circumstances, I would be inclined to try to keep your life as simple and stress free as possible. If trying to obtain more cash is more emotional stress than the money is worth to you then don't do it.

Yes you slept with a married man. Not great. But he was the married one. It sounds like since leaving him you have tried really hard to be reasonable about things.

Go to court so he stops short-changing his child. The adults in this situation will be able to cope.

So the OP has made her bed and must lie in it - while the person who actually cheated and has done next to nothing for his child, he must be protected?!

Fuck that.

But I agree with Honeybee - make your decisions with a cool head.

Harsh I was using birth control.

I am not a feminist either and never will be.

I'm truly overwhelmed with the positive feedback. I need time to think. Thank you.

I am not a feminist either and never will be.

Why on earth not?

You don't believe in equality?

Obviously not a feminist by your actions

Regardless of your poor decisions and questionable moral compass, he needs to be supporting his son. Properly. If he's not prepared to do that voluntarily, get a SHL and take him to the cleaners. Bastard.

Sounds to me he wants to use you to cheer himself up given his stressful life. What a nobhead!

I would demand whatever your entitled to. Don't feel like you have to be a martyr financially out of guilt for the affair. You struggling financially doesn't help anyons

How did you get the DNA test done if there was NC after you found out you were pregnant?

I was sympathetic to you until you said you weren't a feminist and would never be one. Kind of throws your predicament into a different light

However, what I was going to say was that you actually have the upper hand here - he's paying you secretly, so evidently doesn't want anyone else/his wife to find out.

So you have a hold over him. He pays you more, or you make it formal. Then it won't be a secret any more.

Wow, you're such a feminist OP. The sisterhood is alive and well. Have you thought about how your actions will rip apart his innocent wife and kids?

Harsh I loathe cheats, one skanky crotch/wallet sniffer went after my dad and broke our family. So I have my fair share of hatred to those who shag other people's husbands.

However... I'd like to ask which innocent wife were you talking about? The current one (who may or may not have been the one in situ 4/5 years ago) was herself a mistress. So not entirely innocent herself either.

As far as can be seen here, the OP has remained completely incognito and has not rocked any boats, wants nothing of this guy.

That level of silence/protection of his life needs to cost more than the CSA minimum, he is not only shortchanging the DS here, he's expecting loyalty from here where none is earned. At the same time his level of loyalty and honesty is clearly shown to be defunct.

OP. I absolutely think you have an obligation to your ds to get the best stuation you can for him, and Gazelda's text for me says exactly what you should say.

If he wants complicity and silence, that costs money, and he has to be paying a MUCH fairer amount than he is, of his own volition, or you absolutely will take him to court.

No judgement here OP, you do what you have to do to provide the best life possible for your child. If his family is ripped apart it is due to HIS actions. His wife knows what he's like considering how they got together, I doubt she really believed she was the one to 'change' him.

Many women don't identify as feminists, because it has negative connotations.

Doesn't mean she's misogynistic.

Your DC deserves the money you're entitled to. His wife deserves to know, if you go through cms and she finds out then so be it. It'll mean he'll probably leave you alone.
What an arsehole.

reading your messages..It sounds like he messages for a shag..You go and give him one is how I am reading it ? although it doesn't seem clear.

I find the fact he has emailed and now you want more money?

Oh come on they're a pair of arseholes. If this was my dh, hey and who knows, maybe it is, I would want to know and would throw him out on his arse straight away.