What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

I also think you should get the money your son is entitled too. It does sounds like his messages are trying to get you to let him stop paying for his child and/or get a shag.

Enjoy your life, every child is a gift.

Op, has he actually said he doesn't want a relationship with your son?

I would meet up with him just to get answers to all your questions . You will need to start explaining things to your DS so the sooner the better imo.

how long were you in an affair with him for?

This is the difference between men and women, they will always be judged differently especially by women.

Martin Luther King Jr was a serial cheat, and had a notorious reputation for screwing around.
John Lennon was a violent, aggressive wife beater who had a string of affairs and treated his first Wife and DS like absolute trash.
Muhammad Ali had numerous lovers and abandoned his children more than once.

But they'll always be remembered as the 'Civil Rights Activist and Nobel Prize Winner', the Peacemaker, and the World's Greatest Champion respectively.

Angelina Jolie is a UN Ambassador, a humanitarian, and even while having reconstructive surgery and a hysterectomy due to cancer- worked tirelessly to campaign for underprivileged children worldwide.
But she'll always be remembered, as the wicked woman who seduced a poor innocent married man.

OP, your obligation is to your DS's needs, not this man's 'wants'.

I'm sure he thanked his lucky stars you chose to slink off quietly with your DS, and let him off with a bit of hush money disguised as child maintenance!
You're rewarding the man with a service he does not deserve. Neither does his wife deserve this, but she is not your responsibility since you didn't marry her.

If you have so far just taken a small donation from him for your child, then this needs to be amended. If he says this is impossible, just tell him you'll have no other alternative than to contact the CSA yourself, which will involve letters going to his home and in turn, he'll have a lot of explaining to do.

If i was his wife, I'd want to know anyway, so this may eventually work out better for all concerned.

Aye I'm tired of the attempts here to divvy up blame when one person is single and the other is married.

Both parties are equally to blame. Married men should keep it in their trousers. Single women, approached by married men, should say no.

The stance' Oh but single women haven't taken vows' is just ignoring the fact that everyone has a responsibility for their choices, whether they have signed a bit of paper or not.

Furthermore, this debate is really one for its own thread.

The OP knows she was a dickhead - her words. It was 5 years ago. The thread is about 'what now'.

@PollyPerky, I do totally get what you are saying, but I don't think both parties are equally to blame. The person who is in the relationship is the only person who knows the 'terms and conditions' of that relationship -- if they even choose to disclose that they are in one.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case here, and probably there are lots of examples of affairs where both parties go into it knowing exactly what they are doing.

But it's definitely possible for somebody in a relationship to start an affair on the pretext of being single or in an open relationship. And the single person has no way of knowing.

I say this from bitter experience of online dating!

But yes, you are right, it's probably a good debate for another thread and you are totally right that the 'what now' is the important bit here! :-)

Notmypenguin I agree.
OP is not equally responsible in this, whatsoever. She didn't have any vows to keep, for a start.

I think some women just prefer to blame the OW, because they'd rather keep their head in the sand, and believe their innocent husband was led astray by 'some homewrecking bitch', than to confront the reality that he just enjoys sharing his dick with people outside the relationship.

Labelling a single person as a Homewrecker is actually quite hilarious. A home built on solid foundations can't be wrecked.

It's ludicrous to suggest the blame is only on the married man. Imagine this. A single woman is asked on a date by a man. At the end of the evening he said she needed to know something. He was married. She said ok, I can't see you again.

She hadn't taken any vows. He had. She had to urge him to respect those vows and walk away. He wasn't free to be hers.

Implying that a woman who is single has no moral compass is ridiculous as well as patronising. ie 'Oh you just didn't know any better, did you love?'

A home built on solid foundations can't be wrecked

I hope you never have to find out the hard way that this is rarely the case.

Sure, obviously single people have a moral compass. But only the people in a relationship/marriage have the understanding of what is or isn't ok within it. And that is not necessarily disclosed.

I went on a couple of dates with somebody before I discovered accidentally that they were married! I was horrified! He then claimed to be in an open marriage, although given the circumstances and the fact that he hadn't disclosed this already I certainly didn't believe it. But equally, couldn't possibly have known he was married, because he had hidden the fact (I only even found out before it got to a stage where we might have slept together because it turned out that he was my friend's new boss!)

Once it's disclosed, then yes, obviously both people have a responsibility. But there's still a difference to my mind, in that the person in a relationship is the one actively breaking a commitment while the 'single' person is not (although yes, I'd agree that they have some responsibility at that point -- but I'd say not as much as the person breaking their commitment).

Ok, say that you're pregnant and your employer gets a young man in to cover your maternity leave. Then they give all of your responsibilities to the man who was meant to be your maternity cover on a permanent basis, and try to make you redundant on your return. Obviously, illegal and shit, pregnancy discrimination, etc etc.

But is it the other person's fault for accepting? Are they as much to blame as your employer? What if they hadn't accepted -- if your employer is so keen to employ somebody who won't get pregnant again, might your employer not have found another man who would happily accept the job?

Sure, obviously single people have a moral compass. But only the people in a relationship/marriage have the understanding of what is or isn't ok within it

This is the most hilarious thing I have read all day.

Are you saying that single people have no inkling of what a wedding vow is? That marriage usually means being faithful? Are you saying that they are too stupid or too selfish to understand that married people ought to be off limits?

Having an open marriage is something entirely different. Yes of course someone may pretend they have an open marriage. But that's something very different and easily substantiated- just ask the other spouse.

@PollyPerky, all relationships are different and not all are heteronormative or monogamous. What is ok for one might not be ok for another.

Totally agree that the only real way to validate an open relationship is to be in touch with the spouse. However even in that case you do not necessarily know exactly what is ok for not. For example, somebody's terms and conditions might be around always having condom-protected sex, or using two methods of contraception at a time to ensure no accidental pregnancies. Or they might be around kissing, or commitment, or something else. It's the responsibility of the person in the relationship to live up to their commitments!

My main point, though, is really about disclosure, and that the person in the relationship is the one with the responsibility (and power) to disclose their status.

It's not always about whether a single person is "too stupid or selfish to understand that married people ought to be off limits". It's whether they even know they are married.

needsahalo

I hope you never have to find out the hard way that this is rarely the case

By solid foundations, I mean both parties being equally loyal and trustworthy, and respectful of their vows to their spouse and not jeopardising their Wife's sexual health either

I did find out the hard way, in a not unfamiliar situation to OP. Except, where OP has disappeared into the background with her child, OW sent me photographs of hers when it was born.

I'd had some suspicions things weren't right, but buried my head in the sand because I was too anxious about making unproven accusations. So we really weren't on solid foundations!

Her Karma was, she got to keep him
Fast forward a lot of years, and my friend lives a few doors down from them. She's had to call Police before due to their fights and arguments, and she's out on the street crying and screaming at him, on a regular basis. She's only 30ish but genuinely looks about 60 years old now, not the young woman who sent me photographs. Permanent stress and anxiety with your relationship will do that I guess!!
Because if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
Having an affair obviously seemed like a risky thrill, an aphrodisiac I'm sure, but the day-to-day living of it hasn't worked out too great for the pair of them.
I can't feel much sympathy to be honest it couldn't have happened to a nicer couple

Hey OP

Is he asking to c his child.... of not then no reason to meet

Why on earth are women so bitchy to the OW? It's the person who is married that was more in the wrong surly??

Don't meet up with him, he's more then likely trying to start your relationship again, or get out of paying his child maintenance.

You say he's well off, but who knows he could be paying lots of other women secret baby money's

It seems to me that you both entered into the relationship and your child is the result. He must pay for his child's support. I recommend you get a court order which will assess how much he should pay in relation to how much he earns and will make it illegal for him not to pay it. Clearly there will be fees attached to this course of action but in the long run it will be worth it.

Looktthefloqerskerry said everything in just a few words.
Although both of you made a mistake in the past, your son doesn't have nothing to do with it and you need him to be responsible, assuming it and paying for it.
Being very honest, it doesn't matter in which circumstance the child was conceived but that "there" is a child and you both are responsible for him.
Put his selfish feelings aside, but he is playing with you now, popping up an e-mail to keep you happy sometimes and make sure you are "alright", it's totally fake ! He just want to make sure that you will keep being nice and on his reach so that you don't screw up his beautiful marriage.
Honestly, specially because he is wealthy and can help you with more, don't waste your precious time playing the good stupid (sorry) gurl that accepted hook up with a married guy, and stop suffering counting peanuts. Just go after hrlp and get a decent mantainance fot your child.
Go for it ! He is a looser !

You are too nice, and probably got under his spell! He has a affair u had a relationship ! Married man who got in affairs should get responsable for his actions, he probably got in trouble with someone else and find out u are too nice and come crying over to you as he cant to his wife! I would go to court get what's right for u kid! His wife probably suspects or knows about his past or present! If he dies or get another women knock up she would get more than u! And if he dies hows u would get child maintenance ? Married man with this background is a pest! Get rid of him, u should not have to struggle and miss those years trying to survive as single parent( he is a not present parent and is his choise not to see his child) .

To be honest if you knew he had a wife at the time your in the wrong for even asking him for anything you shouldn't of be involved.

I'm not so bothered about the 'affair' as I don't know the details. At the end of the day he is the father, you are the mother and to go against one of the first posters with a 99% DNA test you WON'T get 'ripped apart' in court. You both have a responsibility to feed and clothe the child you made whatever the circumstances.