What do I do? DC is a result of an affair.

[ninenicknames]

Backstory.

I had a child 4 years ago. Father never involved. Not on the BC. DNA test done and its 99.9% he is the Father (can't get more accurate)

He does pay. Minimal amount, but without fail it does help. It's secret how he pays, via a 3rd Party for the reason below.

We don't have contact & he has never asked to see DC - the occasional text of "hi how are you?"

Here is the catch. He's married. Please don't judge me, it was a silly time in my life and no one got hurt but yes, I have an amazing child from this, I've never asked for anything. Certainly under NO circumstances would I have compromised his situation. As I say zero contact. It was a lust affair. Equally not proud of this.

So .... I get a random email, stating how under pressure he is, how he is trying to survive, and "people" have torn him apart re "our situation" but he'd like to meet up, we don't even speak so I'm not even sure who would rip him apart.

Normally I would be very much don't worry, as you know there is no pressure from me, I don't expect anything for obvious reasons.

But today I am royally fucked off, how does he think I survive EVERY single day on my own with a young child, I work full time,DC is cared for, loved, my family are amazing.

But I've had enough of these random texts/emails of how hard done by he is!

He is extremely wealthy. He could pay me a hell of a lot more but I never wanted to cause any issues.

So my AIBU is ... I've had enough of being nice, I feel right now that I want to take him to court for more money.

However, would I be UR to do that?

He is a pig.

Do I just ignore him and carry on in our lovely world? Do as I've always said and not compromise his situation?

I'm just angry today 😡

For the record I have NO issue with him seeing DC, that's his Father and no child should be denied that just because I feel like I do.

My head is saying just ignore and carry on as we are. But I'm annoyed he feels so hard done by.

No couldn'tmakethisshitup

I was referring to Strawberrys post

he is some kind of dirty little secret.

Not yours, I've not read your earlier ones. Probably wont bother.

The child is a child. Nothing to suggest he isn't loved and happy. Only you see him as a victim.

Ugh he sounds like an utter snake OP! My first thought is also that he's working upto letting you down financially. The old 'poor me' act that is the script of every attached man looking to get their own way.
Act first and keep your cards close to your chest.

Also, although I suspect you wont....don't let this snake's 'little wriggler' near you again.

All this shit really annoys me, Supermoon. The man in this case was the only one who was married. He had a duty to be faithful to his wife and that was his responsibility. OP was not married - she does not have responsibility for the man's relationship with his wife.

If your husband has an affair with another woman, yes you would hate her guts, but unless said other woman is your friend or your sister etc, they do not have a responsibility towards you.

The person who has betrayed the wife is her husband, who married her and is meant to love her. Another woman will not have forced him to be unfaithful and broken up his family, it's his choice, his responsibility for the pain caused to his wife.

My exH had an affair with the classic "younger, thinner than me" woman. She was not married. As far as I'm concerned he was the one having the affair and who broke his vows to me. She certainly didn't have to drug him and tie him down!

OP I have to admit that if I were in your shoes and was managing financially I would probably have as little contact as possible with the father. It's not ideal, but he sounds like the sort of man-baby that is best kept at a distance from a child. Not every contact with a birth father is positive for a child. Someone who might draw him into the pity party he seems to be having is someone to avoid imo.

OP was not married - she does not have responsibility for the man's relationship with his wife

So as I said earlier, that's ok then? It's ok to have an affair because you owe the partner nothing? What about self respect, decency, honesty, being a member of a wider community? Sleep with who you want, no comeback whatsoever. And if you get pregnant he must pay? In cash, emotionally, practically? But you don't need to take responsibility for your actions?

I love the notion that the other woman is some kind of saint who just had no idea what she was doing.

Norland, why would the op have to declare the money that is given to DC to the tax office? its already been taxed once via the father's earnings? I don't understand the complexities of tax law.

Yes, you should have self-respect, that's one of hundreds of good reasons not to have an affair with a married man.

Yes, if a married man has an affair which results in the birth of his child then he will need to take a share of, at the very least, the financial responsibility for it. The OP is hardly not taking responsibility for her actions - she is a single mother of a child whose father she doesn't like and is contributing most of the financial responsibility and all of every other kind of responsibility.

All I'm saying is she doesn't have to bear the responsibility for breaking up his marriage/family - they are his wife and children and if he was any decent sort of man he wouldn't have done this, but that was his choice.

I don't believe that all women have to have responsibility for the happiness of all other women and have to make sure that a man is not going to hurt someone else - surely they can take the blame for their own treatment of their wives and families?

Harsh Op has not revealed she wasn't using birth control. There are no birth control methods that are infallible.

Ha! You're preaching to the converted. I am a single mum - because of an affair - who is bringing up her children without the support of their father. The ow made sure of that In her capacity as company accountant and ensured all money was hidden/removed. Only I didn't ask for it, didn't know what I was getting in to and still I take that responsibility and no one else has to.

So no, despite my strong belief NRPs should pay (including in the OP's case), she knew what she was doing and I struggle to find the remotest iota of empathy as a result. You play with fire, you can't complain when your fingers get burnt.

needsahalo - but it isn't just her fingers getting burnt. It's her child's. Who didn't make any choices at all.

needsahalo where is the OP complaining?

She's categorically said that she doesn't want to make life more difficult for anyone, just that she needs more money and shouldn't have to be a sounding board for her dick-ex All pretty reasonable

I think you may be projecting somewhat. And your obvious glee at someone else's struggle doesn't reflect well on you

He is trying to wriggle out of paying for his child, typical bloke really.
If he tries that one take the shit to court, go public and make him pay. Don't let him wriggle out of his responsibilities.

. OP was not married - she does not have responsibility for the man's relationship with his wife.

Errr....
but she does have full responsibility for her own actions. Which for most single women would mean giving a married man a wide berth.

Just because a woman is single doesn't mean married men are 'fair game'. Is that what some people are saying?

That point is aimed not at the OP BTW who I sympathise with but with the general consensus on MN that single women aren't to blame for hitting on married men.

And your obvious glee at someone else's struggle doesn't reflect well on you

Yes, I have shown much delight at the OP's situation. That would be including advice about jurisdiction re courts/CMS and obviously I am gleeful that yet another man fails to face his responsibilities towards his children.

What I can't stand is the persistent suggestion that as the OW it is perfectly acceptable to not have to take responsibility for your own actions.

@CanadaMoose91 Fathers are still responsible for child maintenance even if they are not on the birth certificate. www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/disagreements-about-parentage

The Child Maintenance Service or CSA can order a DNA test to prove that they are the father if they deny it.

Although it can be deeply upsetting when a father refuses to be on the birth certificate (if the parents aren't married, the father has to agree to have their name put on) there are some limited advantages -- for example, not having to get their written permission in order to travel outside of the country with the child.

To whoever said about the pill being super effective if taken properly...

I have 2 children conceived on 2 different types of contraceptive pills. I also have OCD which manifests in things being done by the books at all times so none were missed, no upset stomachs were had, every one was taken at the same time every single day, so yeah.

OP, do whatever you think is best for you and your son, I don't get full support from my ex, it's different to your situation because it's not a secret and he does something of a relationship with the kids but as much as it annoys the family, I won't push for anymore support because at the moment things are calm and I can support the children with what they need so I'm not going to get him involved and chase a fall out for he sake of the kids.

I'm confused as to all of the posts claiming OP "needs to take responsibility for her own actions"

What exactly do you call raising her DS?!? Especially on her own with the minimum amount of support from that scumbag?

If their DS is 4 that means affair was almost 5 years ago so I don't understand the point of beating the OP over that mistake now.

She asked for advice because that complete dirtbag of a man has kept messaging her for shags (WHICH SHE HAS SAID NO TO) and now is trying to act like his son that HE DOES NOT EVEN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH is a burden on his life.

Shit happens and people make mistakes. Everyone has a right to their own opinion but that doesn't mean you can treat people who have done something you don't approve of with such disrespect.

Hmm. What's your financial position OP? Are you and your DS able to live very comfortably on what you have currently? If so, I think I agree with you that it's not worth hurting the wife to get more from the father.

However, if you can't offer your DS everything you would like to, and more money from the father would make a big difference to his life, then I still think you owe it to your DS to ask for more.

What I can't stand is the persistent suggestion that as the OW it is perfectly acceptable to not have to take responsibility for your own actions.

Nobody is saying that. They are saying the OW doesn't have to take the responsibility for his actions. Him. The married man who cheated on his wife, and the fallout and upset that he caused by getting someone else pregnant.

but with the general consensus on MN that single women aren't to blame for hitting on married men.

Hitting on a married man is not a good or nice thing to do.

However, you assume it was the single woman who did the "hitting on". It could quite easily, even likely, been the married man who did it.

Even if it was the woman, no amount of being hit on will make an honest man have an affair. The man had full agency in the decision to stray, and he did so armed with the full information on the impact it could have on his relationship.

The pill is extremely effective when taken correctly.S o the first time you had sex with him you were not in a relationship before that so there was not a lot of motivation to take it correctly.you were single and had no thoughts of trapping this extremely wealthy man for yourself you were just g
Happy to be the mistress?

Did the pill work better for you when you were shagging poor men?

@springflowers11 there is a number of things that affect the effectiveness of birth control actually.
Some examples for you:
-not taking at the same EXACT time daily
-grapefruit
-other medications
-if you were doing a teatox diet
-alcohol
-drugs if that's your scene.

That's just a few. Birth control (both pill and implant) have both failed me. Thankfully for me my situation was different to OP and I was in a relationship with my partner/then we got married for second occurrence. Birth control failures are not as uncommon as you think.

Good grief, people. The pill isn't 100% effective -- medically speaking, just go and look up the publicly available statistics. If he wanted to be totally safe he should have used a condom as well (also, clearly, as somebody in a relationship, he obviously ignored his responsibility to use a condom for safety reasons too!)

By all means get on with your moral outrage, but let's stop using untrue facts to guilt trip or scare the OP!