To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

At least I don't want kids, so there's no bio clock hanging over me

I'm with you OP I don't like being single at all. I'm told I have plenty going for me and that I'm attractive but I've been on my own for almost 5 years now, had absolutely no luck with OLD and I'm sad about it all. A man hasn't told me he loves me since 2009 and I can't escape the feeling that it really is something about me that makes me not "relationship material". I'm still determined not to just settle though.

I have an acquittance who met her husband on a plan flying between countries. Think of the amount of luck involved in that - even that he was probably seated close to her.

This was what I always imagined happening: meeting someone by chance. Unfortunately it hasn't. I'm already getting depressed on POF :)

"In hindsight I did (and still do) unwittingly present a bit of a fuck off wall to people."

I wonder if I do too. In my case, it's just cover for social+general anxiety.

plane

The weirdest thing is that I, too, was on a plane at around the same time as her and encountered a guy who kept trying to flirt. I ignored him because I was in no condition to respond at the time. She took her chance, I didn't. If it happened to me now - I would definitely respond. What a strange coincidence though...

What a beautiful and sad story about the Asian soulmate...Keep looking. It's hard not to leave a digital trace online eventually.

In other words - only pay attention to the extroverts. Do you know how many women are introverted and/or appear 'too serious'? You'd be skipping 30-50% of the population. Buying into bubbly female stereotypes is silly and oppressive to the extreme.

You might be right. I don't care if you are. If you come across and friendly, affable and approachable, you're likely to be more successful in a lot of ways. One of those ways is being chatted up. If you want to be asked out, it's important to make yourself seem approachable. That goes for men too.

Thanks, perfect. I think it must be an age thing- I'm 22 and lots of people are still in that phase where it's cool to thing ginger hair is ugly. I cut it to long bob length a couple of years ago and donated it to one of those charities that makes it into a wig for cancer patients. First friend I told I was going to do this looked at me like I was insane and said, "but you're ginger."

I am in that awkward stage where I would happily date men older than me and probably have a lot more in common with them, but since I still get mistaken for a 16 year old on a regular basis ( the other day the gas man asked if I was nervous about my GCSEs ) I wonder if that puts them off immediately.

Does anyone else feel like they're being too fussy? I mean, not like I get any attention anyway, but sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high. But then I don't think not wanting to date a creep is a high standard. Sigh.

"If you come across and friendly, affable and approachable, you're likely to be more successful in a lot of ways. One of those ways is being chatted up. If you want to be asked out, it's important to make yourself seem approachable."

Problem is that 'approachable' isn't the same by extroverted and introverted standards. Striking up a deep, intelligent conversation without small talk straight away would be an introvert's idea of 'chatty'.

And women aren't given much room for skipping small talk thanks to stereotypes.

There appear to be a number of people of similar ages on here who are single, both male and female. If you were in a similar location, would any of you consider meeting up, not necessarily romantically, but maybe just to have a friend in a similar position to go out and do things with? A few people mentioned wanting someone to do nothing with, perhaps this thread could match some people together?

Sounds nice, but I doubt anyone here lives over on my side of the world (kangaroo land )

Problem is that 'approachable' isn't the same by extroverted and introverted standards. Striking up a deep, intelligent conversation without small talk straight away would be an introvert's idea of 'chatty'

Fine. If they look as if they are happy for people to come over and strike up that conversation, then it might well happen. If they don't, then it probably won't. Some people don't look as if they would welcome being asked out. If you want to be asked out more, then you should try not to come across like that. It probably is unfair on those who aren't naturally outgoing, but that's the way it is. That's not to say that people who aren't outgoing and friendly-looking have no chance of being asked out, but if it isn't happening then it might be one reason why. I think this is moot anyway, as the OP said she wasn't like that iirc.

I'm an introvert. I make myself more approachable by smiling and active listening. It works.

My instinctive feeling is that labelling people as introverts and extroverts is too simplistic and not helpful.

Anyone else dreading the long weekend? I'm trying to make plans but nothing as yet. My line manager said we can leave early today and my first reaction was to feel panicked at the thought of more time at home

Haven't had chance to read all the threads on here so might be repeating what someone else has said but on another thread similar to this one I mentioned maybe looking into getting a few evening shifts in a nice local pub. You would get to meet lots of different people, men and women, they might have lots of sociable events on, quiz nights etc, and you would be earning extra money as well.

I spent quite a few years on my own, friends were married with children. I went on singles holidays which I enjoyed but eventually met and married the brother of someone I worked with. I was 37 when we met. She brought him to the works Christmas party. Don't give up yet. Good luck.

My instinctive feeling is that labelling people as introverts and extroverts is too simplistic and not helpful.

Quite. They're not synonymous with "shy" and "outgoing". As many people seem to think...

Last date I went on was right before Christmas. Second date. First date went well, we chatted, got on well. Second date it was like everything we had to say to each other had already been said. He thinks it went brilliantly and still texts me to ask when I'm free for a third date, I have pretty much given him the strongest hint possible that I am not interested, but he hasn't taken it. I've decided I'm not interested because we just have nothing in common- once we've gone through all the usual meeting new person stuff there is nothing left to talk about. He is one of those people who posts multiple facebook updates on what he's doing every single day. That would drive me insane; any relationship with him would be plastered all over facebook daily right down to the intimate details, and I am so not that kind of person. He's also totally uncompromising. First date was in the city where he lives and I study- hour and a half away from me, I commute. His place is more like 2 1/2 hours. Second date was also there. I've suggested meeting up halfway, he isn't interested. Only wants to meet me in his area. Doesn't work for me. I don't want to enter into a relationship with someone who expects me to do make all the effort. He also seems to live off his parents' money with no real effort to get a job on his part.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in not wanting to take that any further? The problem is that he's the first guy to show any interest in me in over a year. (Apart from a guy at an attraction I went to with my sister who apparently was hitting on me, I have no idea what she is talking about). I meet lots of guys who I like, can have great conversations, with, with whom I have lots in common. They all have girlfriends. The ones who don't are like this :(

Ohbliss, I sympathise :( Not dreading this weekend because I have lots planned, it's kind of one of those weekends where everything is happening at the same time for me. But I used to dread weekends before I moved back in with my parents, so I know the feeling. Can you try and find some events in your local area? My local RSPCA branch is running an open afternoon on Sunday, you basically go and pet the dogs. The volunteers and staff all love chatting to visitors about the animals even if they have no interest in adopting, I think they are happening across the country. Christian-free option if you want to get out and do something but aren't a church person, possibly?

I'm not single, and haven't been for a long time, but reading this and other threads about single/childless people it always seems to be that the "helpful" suggestions all seem to be along the lines of do some volunteering or take on extra work, hobbies etc. I don't know about you lot but I work full time and am bloody knackered in the evenings and weekends so wouldn't want to do that. Why is it assumed that single people have more energy than those in couples? Or even more time?

Zee You're right. I kept getting told "volunteer for a charity" despite the fact that I work for one and in addition to my paid job end up doing about 7 hours a week voluntarily there as well.