To absolutely hate being single?

[pushingthroughcracks]

Sorry to be so pathetic and in many ways negative but stay with me.

I am battling a number of personal demons and I feel alone and unloved. I am trying really hard to make it different but unfortunately it isn't working!

I've not had a great time of late, I do try to speak to and text friends but they are almost always busy with their own families and it can become a difficult line between putting yourself out there for friendship and companionship and getting in people's way. I was surprised and a tiny bit put out when having driven for then best part of two hours on Monday to see a friend we had coffee and then just over an hour and a half later she cheerily got up and said she had to go because of reasons to do with her family. I didn't say anything because it isn't exactly helpful for future relations to whinge and whine about not spending a required number of hours with me, and perhaps she just hadn't thought that it took a not inconsiderable amount of time and money to see her. Anyway this is beside the point but I'm just trying to explain when I do try to initiate contact sometimes things don't go to plan!

I do try to get out of the house as much as possible. I live in a city and I do try to get involved and do as many things as possible but a lot of the time I end up in a position where I have to do things on my own and it isn't really much fun. As well as the impact on finances which is another source of stress: having to run a home - mortgage and all bills and car repairs and so on from one salary takes its toll.

I've joined over the past five years or so various dating websites - guardian soulmates and match.com and plenty of fish. None worked for me in the time I was on there. For some reason the only person wanting to strike up a conversation with me on match.com was a man from Manchester which is some 300 miles away from where I do live, and while I've nothing against Manchester as a place I would like to think there's someone amongst my millions of neighbours who I could have a relationship with! Yet I do feel I should be coupled up with one person and any social life should stem from doing things with other couples. This certainly seems to be the impression I have from scanning my eyes around those around me.

I do know, before anyone says, that loving with a cruel or neglectful or ignorant partner would be worse but that's not really what I'm about here.

I do volunteer work within my community, and I do have friends although they are somewhat scattered around this country and abroad and a couple of friendships are sadly waning a little at the moment despite attempts on my part to rekindle them. I also go to the gym but don't find this a social activity (I don't go with this expectation.)

So I do feel a little as if I am going around in circles where in order to meet someone in need to be a grounded individual with a sparkly social life yet having a sparkly social life when ones friends are coupled up and you have all the financial limitations of being single, is hard!

I am in a rut and don't want to go on like this but I don't know how to change things!

fatrascals so if those with kids have no downtime in the evening, I guess no parent ever puts their kids to bed at 6:30 and has a glass of wine watching Netflix then?

OP I'm not single but let me give my support to you. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum passing away, I lost mine at the same age and it changes you forever. for you. My suggestion would be to get a pair of kittens if you can, mine bring me untold joy and they actually use up so much of my time. They need brushing, stroking, feeding and playing with, next thing you know, 3 hours have gone by! I wouldn't be without them and they're so rewarding.

Lisa- I met my husband when I was a graduate student about your age and he was a lecturer in my department. However, I'm not stupid or naive enough to assume that just because I got lucky at your age you will also.

And that's the problem.

People on this thread who have met their partner seem to be hell bent on assuming that other people will have the same success. That is insane.

My step son is in his mid 20's. he is gorgeous, intelligent and sociable. He is also single and struggles to meet single women as he's working flat out as a junior Doctor and when he gets home he is shattered and certainly doesn't want to then go out and do a hobby where he might meet a woman who is single and fancies him, or do volunteering just because he might meet a woman who fancies him. He just wants to go home and chill on the sofa with a person who he loves and doesn't have to make an effort with.

I'm not single, but would like to offer my support to everyone posting here.

One of the huge benefits of having a partner is that there is no issue with staying in and doing nothing. We can spend every evening for a week sitting at home watching Netflix, and that's okay because we are together. Whereas when I was single I felt like I had to put huge amounts of effort into socialising and have plans in place every evening for fear of becoming a recluse.

I was so lucky to meet my husband - he was a friend of a friend but we met through an unlikely chain of events, the day after I had sworn off dating forever. I'm not sure if that's encouraging, but for me it was just about being in the right place at the right time. I didn't need to put in the hours of self improvement that single people are often expected to do. Like anything, it can be easy to forget that we have the relationships we do thanks to blind luck as much as anything else, not because we worked harder or were more deserving.

Thank you all for your honesty - I will remember this thread when I make plans with my single friends!

While not a direct 'solution' and I have only skim read the PP replies, how about starting with a housemate. Not someone you 'fancy' but perhaps even an older person. Someone to unload your day to and help with bills to make other outings more possible. This might help with your possible 'need' to find someone, at least reduce the empty feeling.

OP - potential advice from a single friend of mine (who is single 'overall', but regularly has a boyfriend, if that makes sense - no one's been 'the one' though, so far):

Do online dating and go crazy with for a pre-defined period of time.

She hates it, but says she has a lot of success with it. She picks one or two sites and just bombs loads of people with messages to meet up. She tries to go outside of her type or comfort zone and pick people who are interesting to her for different reasons. Her plan is to have as many coffee dates as possible in the space of, say, one month.

So she knows she will have a busy month, but then next month she doesn't have to do it anymore. She kind of psyches herself up for it, shops for a few cute outfits, sees it as opportunities to try cafes or restaurants she wants to try, etc. She can find this mindset where she becomes really sociable for a month.

After each time, she tends to find at least one person who goes beyond a few dates. Sometimes it's just going to the third date, sometimes it's going to a three-month relationship. (Which is what I mean by her being single, but regularly having someone in her life).

Last time we spoke about it, she seems to think this is her way forward. She's 31, by the way.

She does it maybe twice or three times a year, and sometimes she has to push herself to do it, but feels better once she is.

Also, she then hugely enjoys the month 'off' afterwards (assuming she doesn't start dating anyone from that month), as the single things and time to herself are a novelty again.

It's certainly not a silver bullet, and I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but just wanted to pass on an idea.

Eek, that was long, sorry!

rookangaroo

I met my fiancé in a month when I just though fuck it I'm going on shit loads of dates and I'll see what happens. It's good advice I think.

Eek, nice advice from your friend, but unfortunately some of us don't even get the chance to go on lots of dates

Oh, and to Janet upthread - if it's dead easy to get a date, how would you explain that to the many, many posters who actually can't

Sorry, god knows why I said Eek. I did
mean Roo

I'm mostly okay with it but I really hate not getting invited to some outings because I'm not coupled up. Makes me feel like I'm not properly part of society.

I hate being single too. And I think it's tricky for introverts to try loads of dating sites. I went on a whole 2 dates and felt so weirded out by the artificiality of it, and having to sell myself, that I've never quite worked up to it again.

I'd like to meet someone organically, through work, or friends, or a social event - but it never happens. I'm nice, I'm pretty, I'm in my 50's - the last seems to exclude me from men's interest I guess. It's depressing.

I have friend, I work, I go out - but there's no one adult to whom I am the most important person in the world. I miss that, miss sharing my day with someone, miss all the good stuff.

It's a drag, & must be borne I guess.

This is in response to the person who would rather not just settle for someone or who doesn't find people they fancy.

I too was the single friend through my teens and twenties. I did go on dates but things never 'clicked' for me. Either I'd have liked them but I never heard again or one or two I wasn't keen on myself and had to back out of later dates etc.

It meant that I was going to friend's parties and weddings solo. My friends always included me even though they were all couples but I still hated going everywhere alone.

But then in my early 30s I met (now) DH.

He wasn't my usual type at all. In fact I wouldn't normally have gone for someone like him. On the surface we were very different. But underneath we have similar values.

I love him much much more now than when I married him.

My DM has been happily married to StepF for 35 years. Again he certainly wasn't what she'd have thought was her type but she dared to try something different. And they really are soul mates.

I suppose I'm trying to say that it might be worth trying to get to know someone before you write them off as 'not your type'; broaden your horizons maybe?

I think there's a lot of truth in that. I must admit though in my younger days I was quite discerning; now I just tend to think anyone with their own teeth will do. Not that I can find anyone!

I really don't think it's fear of finding weirdos, it's fear of finding no one and realising that even on the millions of available men online presumably looking for the same things as you, you are in fact invisible.

Op_ I might hold a different view to the ' love will find you' opinion.

If you want something then do your best to make it happen.
For example if you wanted to sell your house you wouldn't just sit back and hope that someone would magically knock on your door, ask if it's for sale and magically buy it. You would advertise it, possibly through an estate agents who specialise in selling homes, you would prepare it, show in its best light, take photographs showing all the best bits, be available to show people round etc etc.
I feel you need to do the same with yourself. Don't get me wrong i am not suggesting that you become something you are not, merely that you present the best possible side of yourself.
Go back to on line dating.
Spend time on your profile,be honest , give a detailed description of yourself and what you enjoy.
Put on lots of photos .
Then spend a lot of time sifting through men's profiles.
When i was single i looked on a site, the name escapes me, it was such good advice.
Basically the guy said that we have 3 areas of wants. He called these something like wants, needs and requirements and we should not Confuse the three.
A requirement is something that we should not compromise on, it is what happy , healthy relationsbips are based on . So one of your requirements might be that he person is trustworthy, or kind. They are what really matter.
At the other end of the scale are wants. This could be i want a man over 6 foot tall, with blue eyes and a BMW. These things will not ensure that a relationship survives. They are nice but people do confuse these with requirements. Whether a man is 6"2 or 6" will not determine happiness. Whereas if you need someone to be trustworthy then being with someone who is untrustworthy will ultimately be a killer.
The middle section was what the guy called needs.
So after reading this i changed the way i viewed mens profiles.
I met a man who i share political and social views with. Whos mind works in the same way that mine does, who holds dear the same values that i do. If i had gone with my ' wants' requirements then i would not have met him because he is 1 inch shorter than my desired height want.
It sounds pathetic but i was actually basing my future partner on an imaginary height requirement.
I'm so glad i re_ evaluated what makes me happy as i have found the person i have been looking for my entire life.
I'm not saying date people who you don't find attractive but i am saying that you need to put lots of time and effort into online dating.
I went on many dates, most of them were good but i kept searching until i met someone who met my ' requirement' needs.

I hope this makes sense, sorry if it's garbled but i really don't think people saying, love will find you is helpful. You have to go out and look for it.
You have to set standards, and treat it like a project or mission.
We met on pof. A friend of mine broke me not to do it, that i would meet someone without having to do that, she was wrong.
Good luck op.

I agree with you emily but it's a bit like trying to sell your house at a fixed price when there are other, bigger ones with better designs available at the same price nearby :)

I spent the vast majority of my twenties and thirties in rubbish going nowhere relationships. After the last one ended, (during which I had been effectively single, i.e. Lived alone, lots of weekends alone, no possibility of marriage or babies) I essentially gave up. I was volunteering and had done for years, never met anyone but enjoyed the 'job' had a demanding job and obviously bore the cost of living myself. I was 38, but still liked going out with friends, all of whom kept getting paired up and telling me how sorry they were I couldn't be as happy as them... I met a lovely girl thru my volunteering, went out with her one night when we met up with one of her friends by accident. I married him 7 months later and we have two gorgeous DCs and it is our anniversary today.
Now, I have not skipped off into the sunset and my life is not perfect. I would not say I have a fun companion to share life experiences with, in fact I often actively prefer him not to be there. My point being, you really really do not know what might happen tomorrow or even in the next ten minutes. Your life reall can change suddenly, for better, for worse or for in between. But it is your life and whatever happens you have to live in it, not be a bystander. Sometimes you can cause change sometimes change just happens.
Sorry, not being very articulate, I really hope you can get what you want and that it will be all that you hope for!

I to struggle to get dates on old. it's not as easy as ppl think it is.
I've had endless conversations that go nowhere, it's very hard to find someone you like who mutually likes you and that you have a connection with.
add to the fact that most men in 30s want women in there 20s it's very hard especially as most women in 20s seem happy to date older which leaves little choice for us late 30s women.
I don't want late 40s or 50 yr old man they are not attractive to me but since hitting 38 ppl seem to feel it is acceptable to date that age group. and if I was to accept that age group I would find it easier to get dates.
But I want my age or shock horror younger which as a woman doesn't seem an option I have.

Yes, indeed user

I do think some women in their late 30s are able to get somewhere but personally I think that the ordinary women don't. The stunning ones do but then, they always do!

agree with you completley. average looking late 30s woman= invisable to most men.
you really have to be stunning or have something special about you to get noticed.

I think the hard part is when it isn't even you being fussy. This is literally all the guys who have shown any interest in me ever:

Creepy obsessed guy in my first year of university, followed me home, pretended to have something of mine (he didn't) to try and get me to go over to his, lots of weird messages with inappropriate stuff, had to block him in the end.

Guy I went on one date with. Weird. Wanted to show me off as some kind of trophy. Spent the whole date trying to make me take up his own hobby so I could give him lifts. He lived 2 hours away from me in the wrong direction. Date was at an event thing- I don't want to say what because it will put me- but people there I knew who saw us together actually asked if I was ok. Not a nice experience.

Guy I met at uni. Really liked him. He didn't feel the same way about me.

Guy on my course. Went on lots of dates, I thought it was going well. Turned out he had a girlfriend :(

Dance partner. He was ok. He had a lot of growing up to do, but there might have been potential, although he was the most awkward person ever to hold a conversation with. Tried to force a relationship and plastered all over social media that I was depriving him of sex when I said I wasn't interested. No, really.

Date a few months back. Awkward conversation, nothing in common, didn't want to compromise at all on location and would only meet me 5 mins from his. Which was 2 1/2 hours away from me. Plastered every detail of his life on social media, which is so not me. Would be my life too if we were together. I would have tried a couple more dates if he didn't expect me to do all the travelling.

That's it. All the male attention I've ever had. I know what you mean about the house comment :( all the nice guys have already found a better house by the time I meet them and they're not interested in moving :(

Don't put yourself down - that comes across a bit in your posts on this thread. Confidence is such an important factor and I didn't realise this until a few years ago.
If you're on a dating site with lots of questions to answer, try and fill in as many as possible. For me, this filtered out a lot of people I was not compatible with. With OLD, its impossible to completely know another person's circumstances (could be married already, may not have paid the full subscription to reply) so I wouldn't be too despondent re:lack of replies.
I agree with your point re: married/ coupled up friends. In the past, some were unbelievably selfish when it came to considering time I had spent to get somewhere etc. Sometimes they're not the best friends to have.
Meet up isn't invite only I think? You can join as many groups as possible.
Also keep an open mind as the person you end up seeing could be different from a type you have in your mind. That can definitely restrict dating as well.
Good Luck and hope all goes well

but Lisa you have one precious thing on your side....time.
at your age serious relationships were last thing on my mind.
twenties was having fun,dating no real responsibility.
honestly don't panic to much I know it's easy for me to say but if I could be your age again I would be so less stressed about dating.