To not change my stance even in the face of my mother threatening suicide?

[SABaby]

Several months ago, I cut my mother out my family’s life due to the repulsive comments she made to my daughters regarding their appearance. My kids are half black/half white (14 and 11). DD1 has olive skin and DD2 has light caramel skin. The last time their grandmother saw them, she told my babies that it’s a shame DD2 doesn’t have her older sister’s lighter skin tone. And that DD2 would be so much prettier if she had her sister’s olive skin tone. This greatly upset both my children.

When I found out, the rage that consumed me was overwhelming. I had it out with my mother and told her that I never want her anywhere near my kids and my husband again. Over the last few months, my mum has been bombarding family members, telling them about my “cruelty.” Last week I received a letter from her – it stated that without the joy of her grandkids, she sees no point in living anymore.

Now, this isn’t the first time my mother has threatened to kill herself. She’s never done it directly to me, but a few times to my dad. I remember when I was a little girl, she once took a knife and pointed it to her stomach – she told my dad she would stab herself if he went out for a drink with his colleagues that night (I kid you not). She’s always been the melodramatic and manipulative type.

When I got the letter, I called my mother and we spoke on the phone. I told her I can see her, but my children just can’t be around her. I don’t want them recalling what happened. When I told her the kids are still off-limits for her, she reiterated her suicidal threats. Then she started shouting at me – saying how unfair and cruel I was being.
She hurt my daughters tremendously, and that’s something that I not only find hard to understand, but to forgive. And it’s something I’m not willing to risk for a second time.

In my experience people who threaten to Kill themselves like that seldom do unless by accident.

Yours DDs 11. Entering a new phase of her life. Where she will undoubtedly be more aware of how she looks. This kind of comment can seriously affect her.

I'm mixed race. And I still remember precisely every little thing people have said about my skin and appearance. And as much as I try not to let it affect me - it does.

There are two issues really. Firstly her lack of appreciation for what she's said. The inherent racism behind it. Whether you can get through to her that this is not ok and how important it is not to bloody differentiate between your DDs.

And the other is her manipulation and emotional blackmail to get her own way. Like a child stomping their feet and head butting them self to get sympathy and ultimately their own way. She also needs to learn that this sort of behaviour does not get her what she wants. And I would also not want this sort of thing around my dcs.

Best of luck op. It's not easy.

Haven't read the thread, but I have ZERO patience for emotional blackmail in the form of suicide threats.

I would alert the police.

If she's really suicidal, then you've obtained for her the help which she needs, and saved her life.

If she's Hollywooding for attention, then she'll get a nice chat with the local constabulary about making spurious threats of suicide and wasting police time.

Either way, this sounds to me like a Her problem, not a You problem.

Kia kaha.

Also remember you are showing them that it is ok to just not bother about your own Mother. I hope for your sake you don't offend either of your daughters in years to come. The lesson you have given them may mean they will think it is just fine to abandon you too.

I always think you should treat people as you wish to be treated yourself. Why not forgive your Mother and move on.

Bloody hell, don't families just have arguments and move on anymore?

Well, sometimes there is someone in the family who is always pulling this kind of shit, being cuntish and then the minute they are pulled up on it, instead of apologising and making amends, starts threatening suicide and using other types of emotional blackmail. When you've had this your WHOLE life, sometimes it's the seemingly "little" thing (although I don't think the skin colour comment was little) that pushes you over the edge and you realise that it will always be like this and every time you try to build a bridge the manipulative person just burns it back down again.
And yes, I would imagine there is a big backstory if the grandmother is a serial suicide threatener.

I always think you should treat people as you wish to be treated yourself. Why not forgive your Mother and move on.

So, why doesn't the grandmother have to say sorry? Cos, I don't think she has, she said the OP was "too pc" and threatened to kill herself unless she could see the dgds.
So, the grandmother can behave like a bitch and everyone has to suck it up?

Surely you are also teaching your dds that any insensitive and hurtful comment about their appearance requires an incredibly extreme response. And also making the DD at whom the comment was directed self-conscious about her appearance?

How will they manage in life if you teach them this lesson?

Surely it would be better to give a proportionate response? Cutting all contact with your mum seems completely over the top.

I think you are the one that's most damaging your DC with your reaction.if you had just dismissed her comments as ' senile old bat making half baked comments ' type of thing the children would not have given it so much heed. But you have modelled to them that is such a big deal .what will happen next time someone comments on their skin tone?

I think you need to see that both you and your mum are drama queens.

all teenagers are insecure over their looks at some point that's completely normal. you are blowing her comments up to them by making this a huge issue. Stop it. Tell your mum she's been a prat and you won't tolerate any further comments about looks to your dds and move forward. you are allowing these thoughtless comments to gain a proportion with your dds that's completely stupid.

X post spring

Stonecircle - My daughters themselves have said they don't want to be around their grandmother right now. But I should just drag them by the arm and force everyone to play happy family for the sake of unified harmony? I grew up in a home where feelings were suppressed - where we had to suck whatever up and just deal with it, no questions asked. I refuse to have my kids grow up in a similar environment.

And regarding the sensitivity comment - perhaps you didn't read the comment where I said DC2 has received comments regarding her skin tone/disparity with her sister/ at school before. It never bothered her then, because she didn't care what some idiot stranger said to her. And as others have mentioned, it is one thing for a stranger to say things like that - it's another for your own grandmother.

Having friends who lived in SA and had mixed race DCs, I think you need to find a more proportionate way to deal with this for your DDs' sakes . Your DCs are going to get comments about their skin colour. 'Going NC' isn't a response that will serve them in every aspect of life (not in a country as divided as SA). This could be a good opportunity to teach them how to react assertively and positively.
Your DD is going to feel that her skin colour has caused a family rift and isolated her from her gm when, actually, it's how you and your DM are choosing to respond and interact with each other that is causing the rift.
By all means go NC, if that's what you want to do but doing it now, using your DD as an excuse, is making her skin colour carry the burden of your toxic relationship. That is going to have a massive impact on how your DD thinks about herself.

I did read the comment about how your DD has reacted before to comments about her skin tone. Perhaps she may react differently now you have shown her that an extreme reaction is ok?

And there is a world of difference between suppressing feelings and cutting off all contact with your mother. Though both as bad as each other in my book. The middle option of expressing feelings - rationally and calmly - is much better.

Yanbu to feel the way you do, your mother sounds poisonous.

There are enough idiots out there who will feel that they have the right to make uninvited comments on your daughters appearance without their grandmother pitching in too. Your mother is old enough to know exactly what she is saying, and should have kept her mouth shut, what a pointless, nasty observation to make about anyone, let alone your grandchild.

JustSpeakSense

Yes, when the incident occurred, I sat down with her. She said sorry, but she said that it was a "silly mistake." She basically trivialised it and she definitely didn't grasp the full extent of it. She didn't think there were any serious effects or connotations to her words.

When it happened, I actually wasn't with my children. They were at an aunt's house and their grandmother was there. When I picked my kids up, they seemed very subdued. Didn't want to say a word (very unlike them). When I asked them, DD2 started crying. DD1 also did.

You may think my children overreacted, but trust me, race in South Africa is so saturating. They deal with a lot of crap in the real world because their father is black and their mother is white. And they have handled it well, as they shrug off what strangers spout. But what hit them hard was that this bullshit was coming from their own grandmother.We may be in post-apartheid but the attitudes that reigned 30/40 years ago still persist in many. 23 years of changes in laws won't kill something that went on for hundreds of years. Colourism is a huge problem. Some girls go as far as bleaching their skin so it becomes lighter, inspiring horrific defects. As I mentioned before, this isn't the first time I have cut family members out of my life because of this - uncles who would describe their black employees as "dogs" were immediately cut out of my life when I got with my husband.

Some people are very direct with words and are just thinking out loud, they don't actually mean anything by it.

Their words can still be damaging though and they shouldn't be surprised if it effects their relationships.

WooWoo - I keep repeating this line but I will again - I and DH had a talk with our daughters long before this incident. They've had comments at school made to them about the skin tone disparity and they shrug it off. They don't care when it is coming from people they have no affiliation with. But coming from their grandmother is what hurt them the most.

This is so sad to hear. I am mixed race (black African/white) and have a very light skinned sister. I have had comments like this before, especially when I was growing up in the 80s/early 90s. These even came from my own sister and my grandmother! You might have already done this, but perhaps talking to your daughters about the historical context of their grandmother's comments could help here. I think understanding the wider picture of race is important and could help them have pride in their ethnicity.

Please look up borderline personality disorder- it seems likely your DM has it

Your dd2 is taking her lead from you!

I have a question for the people who insist that my children should be with their grandmother. Since the day the incident occurred, until now, they have told me they don't want to see their mother. Not right now. Am I supposed to completely disregard that request and force them into it?

SAbaby - I guess it's impossible for most of us to understand what it's like living in that sort of environment and I can only comment from my POV. We're a white family living near London. My kids are late teens/early 20s. They have friends from all sorts of ethnic backgrounds and I can honestly say that they and we never give a second thought to the colour of anyone's skin. Obviously racism is rife everywhere but I don't understand why the colour of someone's skin is an issue for anyone and I can't imagine living in a country where racism is so ingrained. Your comment about dogs has horrified me.

I still think cutting off contact with your mum seems very extreme but concede I'm not really in a position to judge.

I don't think you are over-reacting. If your mother genuinely cared about her grandchildren, she would have been absolutely horrified that she'd upset them, and she would have attempted to reassure them and make amends without prompting. Instead, she has thrown a melodramatic tantrum and made it all about her.

Your responsibility is to your children, not your mother. It's tough enough being a teenager, and having to deal with societal racism makes it harder still. Racism from your own grandmother is not something that children should be expected to tolerate or make allowances for - your mother is the adult here.

And if your mother threatens suicide, then that's another reason why she shouldn't be around your children. It is utterly unreasonable to make them responsible for preventing your mother's suicide. If she mentions suicide again, she needs help from qualified professionals.

odfod - Yes, I will look into that thread. Thank you very much.

granola Thanks for putting in your own personal experiences on the issue. Regarding talking to our kids about the wider racial context - yes, we have done that before. Before the incident even occurred.