Partner always does what he wants while I'm left with the baby

[Georgiemai7]

Im 23 and partner is 30. I'm currently on maternity leave, my partner is full time management. Every single day he comes home and I'm expected to make the dinner and wash it all up while still looking after the baby because he's 'entitled' to go play football or go to the pub or play on the Xbox, the list goes on! He says as he's buying us a house that I should just accept the situation as he's paid all the deposit (we currently rent)

I do all the cleaning and washing in the house in the day as I'm on Mat leave so I'd never expect to be sat down on my bum all day, baby is teething at the moment so is being quite difficult. I don't mind making the tee either! But am I being unreasonable to expect (or even want) a little help with the baby while I make his tee or even a bit of help with the washing up after?

I'm really really grateful that he's buying us a house and that he earns enough for us all until I go back to work in July and can contribute more.
I asked his to help look after baby tonight and he said 'I should have kept my legs crossed' he clearly then knew he stepped over the line and made it into a joke... saying I was being selfish for wanting him to help me after he's been working all day.

I feel like I'm beginning to crack i never get just 5 minutes to myself... I even take the baby to the bath with me because I know he'll just ignore her.

Am I being selfish?

In 2017, still nothing else gives the legal and financial protections that marriage does.

It's very unfortunate that a woman who takes time out of her career to have a baby and goes back on 24 hr contract, is in a vulnerable position if her dp buys their house and can be shown to have contributed far more to it. But it's true.

I WANT to go back part time, I want to see my daughter grow up too. I never saw my mother growing up as she was constantly at work.

It's not sad at all. I've CHOSEN my hours and days I'll be working. Im lucky I have a great job who are also giving me a pay rise so it's really not that bad.

They're giving you a pay rise for working two days less?

Please tell us all where this magical company is - I may apply.

I've been working there since I left school and made my way up to manager of my department, my bosses are like a second family to me, I'm very very fortunate.

It's fine to want that, but you should acknowledge and go in clear-eyed to this: you are making yourself very vulnerable regarding housing and finances.

He already treats you like his skivvy because you're on maternity leave. He will continue to do so when you are working part-time and he is full-time.

Partner doesn't start work till 12 today and has (voluntarily) had daughter all morning while I have a bath and get ready. Taking her to a farm with her cousins today so should be fun!

I'm not going to demand partner take me to a registry office

I'm not unhappy in our relationship I just think things have slipped so far one way and they need to be pushed back. I'm going to try and I believe partner will to! He's really not an abusive bruit like some are suggesting. He made 1 horrible comment, I've made a few myself about him!

Sorry but this young lady sounds like she has her head firmly screwed on!

There's nothing wrong in wanting to see your child grow up - being in this position has given you choices to do that - I don't know why everyone priorities work over babies when you can clearly have both - they are babies for such a short time

Enjoy it - you can work at your career for the next 40 years when they are at school

I have no moral view on marriage whatsoever and people should feel completely free to do whatever they want!

That said, it is often true that people believe marriage to be "just a bit of paper" that doesn't really matter. It isnt. It provides unique financial protection that is impossible to replicate in its entirety in any other way.

There is a fairly recent thread on here about marriage and it's benefits which would be worth a read.

I'm a solicitor and would always advise a woman who intends to reduce her earning potential by becoming a stay at home parent or working part time time to give serious consideration to marriage unless you are independently wealthy. If you choose not to marry then take advice and put in place as many legal protections as you possibly can including an agreement about what will happen with respect to the house if you were to split up and maintain your own savings separately to his.

Do you have a pension? If you don't marry then be careful to maintain this aspect. Many women lose out significantly in the pension front due to time off/part time working.

I say again I really don't care what other people do with their lives but I think there is a real lack of education around finances in relationships and so people often make uninformed decisions in which the primary carer comes off worse.

Good luck op and congrats on your baby!

Astro55 thank you very much!

I made my plans well before the baby was born! Work supported me perfectly and partner has done in that respect to!

We can afford full time childcare, I just DONT WANT it I want to do things with my daughter that I missed out on as a child!

Yeah I have a pension

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2884219-Do-you-think-people-should-marry-before-they-have-children

Below is an example I posted on the other thread of the sort of issues that can arise. Obviously I have no idea of your personal circumstances op and it's entirely possible you're completely covered on all fronts so not trying to suggest you haven't thought things through! It's just a real big bear of mine that there is so little out there about this sort of stuff!

As an example. Unmarried couple, 2 DC 5 and 2. Both own house 50:50. House is worth 200k with 50k of equity. Dad works full time, earns 50k. Puts a bit into his pension. Mum dropped to 3 days after kids were born earns 20k.

They decide to split up. Sell the house, each get 25k minus fees so say 22k each.

Dad will see kids one evening a week and every other weekend. Will pay maintenance at cms rate so approx £500 per month.

Dad takes home approx 3k per month, mum 1.5k (plus maintenance of £500).

Dad is entitled to a mortgage of approx £200k, uses his share of equity to buy a house. Mum entitled to mortgage of £80k so will find it difficult to buy. Rents a house. Mum has to pay for childcare for her working days. Dad under no obligation to contribute to this as paying maintenance. If mum goes up to full time, childcare costs increase.

End result is dad in a new house, paying a mortgage, paying into pension, seeing kids. Mum is renting, will struggle to pay into pension, is materially worse off every month due to earning less and childcare costs. If mum didn't work at all the situation would be even worse.

If married it is likely mum would retain most or all of the equity in the family home. Mum might be entitled to spousal maintenance as well as child maintenance. Mum may be able to stay in family home for 15 or so years, avoiding the need to rent during this time. When house is finally sold equity will be greatly increased and mum will have had an opportunity to build her career back up as children got older and childcare costs decrease. These benefits are likely to outweigh the legal costs of a divorce very quickly.

I appreciate this is all hypothetical and there will be circumstances that are different. I also repeat that I AM NOT saying people should get married only that they should fully understand the benefits and make an informed choice.

With earnings of £20k and 2 DCs, wouldn't the mum be entitled to child benefit, some tax credits plus childcare tax credits Sunshine?

Doesn't solve the problem of being the main carer having more impact on her career, but might even things up a bit financially?

She might also be able to buy in a lot of places too. £100k 3 bed house would be OK if it saves her from needing to rent privately.

OP isn't ready to listen yet, there's no point in going on about it, let's not make her feel alienated so she can't come back when he goes back to his ways and she's doing all the donkey work plus working.

I'm not ready to listen? I listened to a good deal of the comments and took them on board and put them into practice... and will continue doing so. If you don't believe I will, that's your opinion but you don't know me from Adam!

Not every solution is leaving your partner to make a life on your own!
Nor is insisting I back to work full time when I don't want to. Or insisting I get married.

I'll take action in the way I see appropriate. I started this thread for a bit of advice which I got, and I used and will continue to use.

I'm not stupid. I certainly have a mind of my own which I will use. I'm very grateful for all the helpful comments. Thank you.

You need to have every second evening for yourself and make sure you are out of the house with what ever your doing, gym, swim go meet a friend and one day of the weekend you need to take as your day (and get a. Bit of a lie in) You will get so resentful if you don't and you'll crack up as every day is the same.

Similar situation at times here but I've learnt that I need to prioritise my life, it's very easy to get left holding the baby.

Georgie it sounds like you took the great advice offered and your partner is stepping up more. That's great. I think as long as you are both communicating constructively and supporting each other appropriately there is no reason the relationship can't continue to strengthen and you'll be happy. He said something immensely dumb. Like, so dumb. OMG how dumb. I hope he is genuinely remorseful for it.

MNers are so quick to scream LTB. Often it's good advice. But divorce/separation rates are so freaking high I can't help but wonder whether people realise that relationships take hard work. You won't always have great seasons, you will have some shitty patches. You shouldn't run away as soon as you have a slightly difficult patch (god MNers don't attack me - I obviously don't think people in abusive/dangerous/exploitive situations should stay). It sounds like you're more aware of standing up and asking for more and I hope you keep your wits about you and he keeps working with you the way a partner should

Yes it's possible that the mum in my example could be entitled to some benefits although with the way the benefits is moving under the current government of be reluctant to rely on it. And, Yes it's possible that in some places £100k would buy you a reasonable property although I'd argue it's at least as likely, if not more so, that it wouldn't.

Neither of those things change the fact that the dad ends up materially better off on leaving the relationship, the fact that mum might be able to just about make it work isn't really the point.

Anyway, as I said above its not that the op should get married at all just that if not married it's important to fully understand what that means and make informed choices. It sounds like the OP has a handle on things so that's great but not everyone does unfortunately and the first time they are confronted with everything is during a relationship breakdown and everything is much harder.

OP you've given us the comment about keeping your legs shut, and gone on to say that the child wasn't planned.

How does he feel about the baby now it's here? Did he/does he want it?

I'm wondering if this is the conversation you need to be having with him, as well as the one about his shitty behaviour. Remind him it takes two to tango.

When people scream for you to leave, it comes from a place of kindness. They see you, a woman who has worked hard and clearly enjoys her job, they hear your pre baby voice, they empathise with your position, as they have been there themselves, and they want something better for you. The trouble is all that screaming ltb sounds like a load of shril, thrill seeking banshees to you, and makes you renege your previous posts and become even more entrenched in your own opinion.

We just want you to try and see into the future. 10 years from now when the part time hours mean the promotions have dried up, you have one more child but no more money. Your partner still needs to be coerced into doing anything like his share. Your life, your choices, but do please think about the logical conclusions and make sure you will be at peace with them. Not working full time and not being married do have consequences.
Also, I know this will piss you off probably but I think consistent spelling mistakes need to be addressed, if not for you who may have dyslexia etc but for others on the thread who have replicated! Seam is what clothes have, you mean seem. And tea is what you eat, tee is the point on which golfers start their ball.

Or you could look at it another way - new mother just out of the new baby tiredness reacessing the situation.

A baby means change and nobody on earth is suddenly a natural at navigating the difference in the relationship - it takes time and work and compromise to find that position that works for you both.

Penhacked I'm a stickler for grammar and punctuation but really, that statement about spelling mistakes is bollocks. OP isn't here teaching others to spell and isn't responsible for what others do or don't type. That just sounds like a thinly veiled excuse to find fault. What OP wrote was perfectly understandable.

And perhaps people should be kind from a place of kindness instead of screaming from it. I don't disagree with much of the advice given here but lots of it has been delivered in a very patronising way.

I'm being corrected on spelling? I'm writing on my phone not penning a formal letter!

Thanks everyone for helpful advice and support!

Very sorry for offending anyone with my spelling!

Gordon Bennett Penhacked! How to really piss off an OP. Textbook display.

Save your spelling tests for another thread. You really felt the need to prioritise your fetish for correct spelling over the OP's actual, heartfelt question on here. It's not about you!

I'm a spelling/grammar pedant too but, really, there's a time and a place!

Really disappointed in some of the mumsnet ladies on this thread! It's not easy asking for help and advice. Yet OP has had some really s* nasty responses!
She's a new mum! Give her a bloody break! She sounds more clued up than a lot of you!