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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner always does what he wants while I'm left with the baby

154 replies

Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 17:19

Im 23 and partner is 30. I'm currently on maternity leave, my partner is full time management. Every single day he comes home and I'm expected to make the dinner and wash it all up while still looking after the baby because he's 'entitled' to go play football or go to the pub or play on the Xbox, the list goes on! He says as he's buying us a house that I should just accept the situation as he's paid all the deposit (we currently rent)

I do all the cleaning and washing in the house in the day as I'm on Mat leave so I'd never expect to be sat down on my bum all day, baby is teething at the moment so is being quite difficult. I don't mind making the tee either! But am I being unreasonable to expect (or even want) a little help with the baby while I make his tee or even a bit of help with the washing up after?

I'm really really grateful that he's buying us a house and that he earns enough for us all until I go back to work in July and can contribute more.
I asked his to help look after baby tonight and he said 'I should have kept my legs crossed' he clearly then knew he stepped over the line and made it into a joke... saying I was being selfish for wanting him to help me after he's been working all day.

I feel like I'm beginning to crack Sadi never get just 5 minutes to myself... I even take the baby to the bath with me because I know he'll just ignore her.

Am I being selfish? ConfusedBlushSad

OP posts:
Hellmouth · 11/04/2017 07:57

*previous ffs

LindyHemming · 11/04/2017 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aintnothinbutagstring · 11/04/2017 07:59

I'd worry about buying a house with someone if not married. How much of it could you lay claim to if you separate for example? Even if you get married, the house will be considered a pre-marital asset. Are you joint tenants on the deeds?

Sweets101 · 11/04/2017 08:04

I'm sorry to say i think Any is probably right.
Word of warning, i was in your position 10 years ago, although we had/have a joint mortgage and am on the deeds. When i went back to work it carried on the same. Actually it got worse.
I am now 10 years down the line with 4 DC on my own.
We had to leave the house in the end which he now sees as 'his' and is more of a headache then anything.
I wish I'd had the strength to walk away sooner rather than banging my head against a brick wall.

I hope it doesn't work out that way for you, but i ended up so frustrated and demoralised i hated him. And then i felt it might be my fault so I'd stick around and try some more. And on and on it went.

I'm not too sure what it proves to him by cleaning the house and his clothes then taking the baby out so when he gets in from work he can do what he likes in peace?

Anyway, i really hope it does work out for you. But be careful. Sometimes you can spend so long trying to make a failing situation better you lose sight of the reality of it.

waterrat · 11/04/2017 08:13

I cant believe someone said men are conditioned to behave like this. No. Some men are selfish and dont think of others needs.

Pollydonia · 11/04/2017 08:13

And I have a ds your age op, if he ever tried this shit with his fiancée she would rip his balls of and Id make them into earings for her. But he wouldn't because he is in an equal partnership. You aren't love.

Pollydonia · 11/04/2017 08:13

*off

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone · 11/04/2017 08:18

He will be nice for a few day then go back to being him

God. run, far, get out and live life with your daughter.

waterrat · 11/04/2017 08:58

I am sorry to say i agree with anyfucker also. Maybe said harshly but how is he learning about his responsibilities by you leaving him a baby free evening in a clean house ?!

Astro55 · 11/04/2017 09:20

I think he can change - if OP is doing everything then she is equally guilty and needs to pass some responsibility over - delegate

She fully intends to do this and has bucked up and made a start!!

Indian with a friend shopping in thursday - the light has come on and it's a start

At least allow her to try!

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 11/04/2017 09:46

I think there is scope for him to have a wake-up call and sort himself out.

You don't say how old baby is or how dependent she is on you. Getting out and leaving her with him is the best way for him to experience the change your life has gone through.

My babies were bottle refusers which meant that getting out without them was more awkward, but by 4 months, there was enough gap in feeds to regularly go out to a fitness class. That was an essential break for my body and soul, and important for DH to be on his own with baby.

You need to establish household responsibilities. DH managed his own laundry before I moved in. He still does his own laundry. I consider it self care. I do my own, and tend to to the DCs.

Make sure that you don't end up in a position of part time paid work, and full time parenting and household duties.

Seriously consider getting married to secure your legal position. Working part time will compromise your savings, your NI contributions and your pension etc.

He must make a lasting change for your relationship to be successful.

Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 11/04/2017 10:02

My daughters 4 and a half months old and bottle fed so simple to leave her with partner for a bit on Thursday.
He knows about it. He always tells me I need to get out more so it quite supportive of that.i turned into a bit of a hermit!

He knows he's looking after baby and seams perfectly fine about it.

I'm not just going to end our relationship when we can both do things to make it better, I need to stop being so predictable and quit just taking the baby with me everywhere and doing ALL the cooking and cleaning.
And he needs to stop being so used to me doing it all and get stuck in too.

The comment he made was shitty. It was over text so I can't say wether he said it in jest or sudden frustration or whatever but he really does seam very sorry about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 11/04/2017 10:04

I am on all the deeds to the house! I did the paper work, he just signed the papers and handed me the cash.

I really see no reason to get married. Maybe one day but I am only 23 so I don't want to do that just yet.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/04/2017 10:08

Georgie
If you are not married and have children you need to sort things like out wills & next of kin.

PoorYorick · 11/04/2017 10:10

Good God, leave already. Do you want another 60 years of living with this turd? Do you think men like him get kinder and more grateful, compassionate as they age?

You're 23 for fuck's sake. The world is at your feet. Just get out before this shitbag steals your entire life from you. In just ten years you'll have the tiniest inkling of what he's stealing from you (you won't ever get it back) and the more time goes on, the more robbed and robbed you will realise you are.

Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 11/04/2017 10:12

The comment about my family helping with childcare.... my sister owns the nursery she won't be doing the childcare, it just saves us a lot of money,

And as for my mum looking after her 1 of the days, my family live 5 mins away, his live an hour away. My mum is more than happy and wanted to look after her one of the days.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 11/04/2017 10:14

Oh gosh OP, please get married. You have a kid together, your lives are already permanently linked. Just pop to registry office with a few witnesses and do it. Legally, you are in a much stronger position if you're married.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 10:17

I third/fourth you getting married too.

You won't stay married of course, but it will protect you financially when you come to your senses and get out.

Marriage isn't for life these days unless you have a good 'un. And he isn't that.

ElspethFlashman · 11/04/2017 10:19

Don't you get it? If you split, you'll be homeless. Back to Mums with a baby. He will own dar far more of the % value of the house and you won't be able to buy him out on a 24 hr/week contract. You may not even be able to get a mortgage. So it'll be renting a flat with your daughter for years whilst he lives in the house you were on the deeds of.

ElspethFlashman · 11/04/2017 10:21

For the love of God consider going back full time.

There are women who would kill for a sister who owns a nursery. Why aren't you taking FULL advantage of it?

At least with a full time job you would be able to get a mortgage in your own.

honeysucklejasmine · 11/04/2017 10:21

(if you intend to stay together, that is)

category12 · 11/04/2017 10:22

Don't you get it? If you split, you'll be homeless. Back to Mums with a baby. He will own dar far more of the % value of the house and you won't be able to buy him out on a 24 hr/week contract. You may not even be able to get a mortgage. So it'll be renting a flat with your daughter for years whilst he lives in the house you were on the deeds of.

Repeating Elspeth for emphasis.

user1491902243 · 11/04/2017 10:23

It seams its a regular thing on MN to tell the woman to leave her partner! It's ridiculous!

OP you sound like a clever woman! You have a good job and you sound well off financially. But you have to let him be a dad too! Don't just take the baby, give the baby to your OH.

It's so easy as a woman to fall into the do all the house work and cooking everything when your on maternity. Just take a minute to take time for your self too.

Give your relationship a good go and for god sake it's 2017! You don't need to get married like some say! If your names on the house too then that's perfectly fine. Some people on here are so judgemental and you should pay no attention. Just remember to share your load with OH and he'll learn sooner rather than later. X

DonaldStott · 11/04/2017 10:28

I really see no reason to get married. Maybe one day but I am only 23 so I don't want to do that just yet.

This makes no sense whatsoever.

You'll have this mans baby, but don't want to marry him?

Or is it because you know he has zero intention of wanting to marry you?

Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 11/04/2017 10:30

No I just don't want to get married.... not everyone wants to get married.

OP posts:
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