Partner always does what he wants while I'm left with the baby

[Georgiemai7]

Im 23 and partner is 30. I'm currently on maternity leave, my partner is full time management. Every single day he comes home and I'm expected to make the dinner and wash it all up while still looking after the baby because he's 'entitled' to go play football or go to the pub or play on the Xbox, the list goes on! He says as he's buying us a house that I should just accept the situation as he's paid all the deposit (we currently rent)

I do all the cleaning and washing in the house in the day as I'm on Mat leave so I'd never expect to be sat down on my bum all day, baby is teething at the moment so is being quite difficult. I don't mind making the tee either! But am I being unreasonable to expect (or even want) a little help with the baby while I make his tee or even a bit of help with the washing up after?

I'm really really grateful that he's buying us a house and that he earns enough for us all until I go back to work in July and can contribute more.
I asked his to help look after baby tonight and he said 'I should have kept my legs crossed' he clearly then knew he stepped over the line and made it into a joke... saying I was being selfish for wanting him to help me after he's been working all day.

I feel like I'm beginning to crack i never get just 5 minutes to myself... I even take the baby to the bath with me because I know he'll just ignore her.

Am I being selfish?

I also agree with the posters who say that he will still expect you to do everything if you go back to work.

He is failing to perform both his role as a father and as your partner. You decided to have s baby together, therefore he has responsibilities to that child and to you. He is working, but so are you. You have stepped back from your job to look after his child. As we all know, it's a full time job and there are no holidays, no days off, no sick days. I found maternity leave much harder than my job, which is in healthcare and very stressful.
Taking his share of childcare isn't 'helping' you, it's doing his job as a father and partner.
My DH was like this. I totalled up how much it would cost him to pay someone for the childcare I was providing. He was horrified at the cost! I also divided up the chores and childcare based on the hours we both worked. I told him he could either pull his weight, pay someone else to do his share or leave on the basis that if all he is contributing to the household is money, he can do that whilst living somewhere else. He is not perfect, but does a lot more than he used to.

So his money is going on the house and yours went on the baby, so you are BOTH contributing, he's an arse for suggesting he is paying for the whole deposit. Babies aren't cheap!
You are working btw, for the family. It's a friggin tough job too so don't let him undermine your contribution. He sounds like a dick :/
My husband was a bit on the rubbish side when our DS was born in that he didn't help
as much as he should have and I really think it took him 18 months to realise he was a dad, but I would never have put up with him speaking to me like that.
You're worth more than that!

OP listen to him, he is telling you exactly who he is and what he thinks of you.

Out daughter wasn't planned, I was very career focused and didn't think I'd have children for a long time!
We had only just moved in together and everything happened in such a whirlwind.

If someone told me 3 years ago I'd be at home cooking a mans dinner and changing nappies all day if have laughed in their face!

I had an awful pregnancy with hyperemisis throughout and a difficult back to back birth which all made me very sad for a long time after daughter was born.
He was good through all that.

I just seamed to have turned into a slave without realising and am now feeling the affects I just need to find a way to make him understand all this.

Does he not even want to play with his child for half an hour so you can do something else?
Not "look after" just play?

Get rid of him. You have plenty of time to buy your own property without being an unpaid slave.

and yes as others have said, what is his plan for when you go back to work? That you bring in the money but still do all the housework? If not, how is he planning to do half the childcare, if he has not even spent half an hour with his child so far?

Is he your employer ?

So, in his eyes you went from career woman to domestic appliance when you had a baby

You won't "make him undestand" coming from a place like that. He is either a fair minded person or he is not.

I would split or spend the rest of your life trying to assert your right as an equal partner

There are so many red flags here and the fact you feel weak points to an abusive relationship. I would seriously reconsider moving in and look at leaving him. You should be supported by your partner not treated like a slave. Often abuse starts when the woman has a baby. Have you got any RL support?

Would you consider using a days childcare a week?

You need some time to get your head straight before getting to far down any life changing road.

Just as a validator to how you feel calculate how you'd be financially if it was you and your DC. Go online to entitled too etc. Look at maintenance calculators to see what contribution you would be getting from your DC's dad.

You are still a manager, you haven't lost that skill by having a baby. Manage this as a business problem. Distance yourself from the emotion and list all the challenges you currently face and then look at possible solutions for them. Like no time to self - use childcare, childcare costs - dad needs to provide the childcare or pay up.

Couples councelling or mediation can be a really positive thing. It doesn't have to be about spliting up. It can be about managing your way through what is a major life change.

Op, in the kindest way possible, you can't control how he behaves you can only control how you behave. If you behave like the staff he'll treat you like the staff. The ball is in your court. He's making his intention very clear to you now it's up to you to decide what you do. You're far too young to be living like that and your daughter will be affected for life growing up in a household where the man is a child-king and her mother is nothing more than a servant. Successful parenting and child rearing requires support respect. Any man who prioritises an x-box is not what you should be aiming for.

What a dick. Maternity leave is to look after and bond with your baby not be treated like a skivvy and told you dont work. You do work you are just on maternity leave. Stop making his dinner every night. Text him and say too tired to make dinner so can you grab something to cook or a pizza to stick in oven.

He needs to start interacting with the baby too.id stop taking her to the bath with you. He needs to learn to take care of her alone.

This is so not normal! I absolutly could not put up with this! For comparison my DP works very long hours and I am currently coming to the end of my Maternity Leave. But that doesnt mean that DP gets to be off duty when he is home. Obviously while I do most of the house work right now he still pitches in. Regularly cooks, especially at the weekend and is quite capable for having our DD for extended periods of time alone in or out of the house so I can enjoy a shower or have an extra hour in bed. The only thing he didn't do was night feeds as DD was (and still is) ebf at night. How does your DP imagine the division of labour when you return to work?

You cant make him realise anything. You cant change him. He was pretending to be decent before.
He is doing this because this is the way he is.

Do yourself and your baby a a favour and run.

Are you going back to work after having the baby ?

I mean to a point if one partner is on maternity leave and the other works it's understandable that they do stuff around the house.

However. Your DP should be pulling his weight he rest of the time and parenting HIS child.

What would happen if one day you hand him the baby and say "I'm off shopping have fun"
?

Not sure what you're all on about..of course the mortgage and deeds must match? No mortgage company would allow the deeds (which they hold usually electronically via land registry until mortgage is paid off) to be in joint names but the mortgage in sole name, the reason being if the mortgage stopped being paid they could not reposess if the deeds are in joint names. I suggest you all check with your mortgage companies if you think thats wrong.

There is however other legal things that can be put in place like a deed of trust etc which is a totally separate agreement to the mortgage and deeds.

Qualified mortgage advisor over and out.

His life hasn't changed. Except now someone cooks and cleans for him.

When he was single and working full time, who fed him and kept his place clean? Assume he did. A girlfriend doesn't mean you stop doing those things. That's called getting a maid/ cleaner.

Sorry, OP, but he needs a massive kick up the arse. This isn't just 'women's work'.

You both run the house, you both share the work. Not he earns money = he does fuck all. Your work is unpaid!

Very sad he doesn't play with your little one.

And if he does (in the future) look after her, or cook, or clean...no, he isn't doing you a favour. Just pulling his weight.

Massive chat needed, or you will end up working and doing everything house and baby related.

I'm going back to work but only 24 hours a week spread over 3 days. My sister owns and runs a nursery so I'm lucky in terms of childcare costs, my mother will also be taking care of my daughter 1 of the days for free.
We'll be splitting any child care costs though for sure!

I agree with the comment about me being like one of his members of staff! I do remind him sometimes not to talk to me like a member of his staff.
He's not my boss at work, he runs a small corner and I run a bigger floor but we are the same position.

I certainly need to get my big girl boots on and lay down some rules! Your comments have inspired me and made me feel a ton better, thank you all.

You're in a pretty vulnerable position if you're not married. Don't become any more dependent on this man.

What an absolute ballbag.

Does he not realise your baby is as much his responsibility as yours?

Fuck him. Stop cooking his meals, stop washing his clothes. He doesn't deserve any of it.

Agree you should stop doing stuff for him, and leave the baby with him for a few hours!

A previous poster made a good point; who did all the housework before he met you? Presumably he did it himself? Or did he live with mommy, and she did everything for him? Mothers (and fathers) who have sons doing f*ck all and the daughters do all the chores are to blame for this. If I had a pound for every women I have met whose man has no clue how to do anything correctly (or can't be arsed!) I would be a millionaire!

Problem is, when a couple have a baby, the man's life doesn't change at all; the woman's changes completely, and is never the same again. Right from the onset, the man can piss off to the pub with his mates half an hour after the baby is born, the woman can't. Who will look after baby?

I swear in the next life I want to come back as a man!

Some men seem to think it's the woman's duty to 'keep house' AND to look after the children, and some men think things should stay the same if the woman goes back to work. Sadly, in most couples, the bulk of the housework and childcare is left to the women, because of society's attitude, and also mens attitudes, and their warped sense of what constitutes doing housework.

My husband is a pretty good husband in many ways, and I know I have my flaws. But re housework and chores, he can be a muppet! Eg, he recently spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS tidying the kitchen cupboards, making sure all the tins were facing forward, scrubbing and cleaning the f*cking patio table, and sponging the skirting boards that were not even dusty.

But he left a sink full of washing up, 2 loads of washing, and 17 items of clothing for ironing. And he made no attempt to clean the oven, the fridge, or the bathroom. He just wasted two and a half hours doing shit that didn't need doing.

And then he was shocked when I didn't thank him, glared at the washing, ironing, and washing up still sitting there, and went off in a huff into the bathroom to clean it!!!

Sometimes I can't believe it's 2017 with the shithouse attitudes from some men. Especially the attitude that looking after the kids is the woman's job, and if she got pregnant it was her fault.