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Original poster

Partner always does what he wants while I'm left with the baby

154 replies

Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 17:19

Im 23 and partner is 30. I'm currently on maternity leave, my partner is full time management. Every single day he comes home and I'm expected to make the dinner and wash it all up while still looking after the baby because he's 'entitled' to go play football or go to the pub or play on the Xbox, the list goes on! He says as he's buying us a house that I should just accept the situation as he's paid all the deposit (we currently rent)

I do all the cleaning and washing in the house in the day as I'm on Mat leave so I'd never expect to be sat down on my bum all day, baby is teething at the moment so is being quite difficult. I don't mind making the tee either! But am I being unreasonable to expect (or even want) a little help with the baby while I make his tee or even a bit of help with the washing up after?

I'm really really grateful that he's buying us a house and that he earns enough for us all until I go back to work in July and can contribute more.
I asked his to help look after baby tonight and he said 'I should have kept my legs crossed' he clearly then knew he stepped over the line and made it into a joke... saying I was being selfish for wanting him to help me after he's been working all day.

I feel like I'm beginning to crack Sadi never get just 5 minutes to myself... I even take the baby to the bath with me because I know he'll just ignore her.

Am I being selfish? ConfusedBlushSad

OP posts:
Mermaid36 · 11/04/2017 00:00

My DH once said in a whiny voice "but it's the weekend - my days off!" when asked to get up on a Saturday morning and help with the twins...

I snapped back "when are my days off then?" and he got very quiet.

He got quite a lot better over the next week or so. He is allowed out one evening a week for his hobby; and he takes the girls on a Saturday and Sunday morning so I can have a lie in/shower/peaceful cup of tea etc.

gluteustothemaximus · 11/04/2017 00:29

Georgie, I think that women are conditioned to do these roles. I think men are conditioned to expect us to do these roles. I think talking about it and seeing changes will show what DP you have.

My ex was an arsehole, and no amount would have changed him.

My DH , who is amazing now, wasn't always. He had a shit upbringing, and like a lot of men, think women equalled housework and babies. I also thought that, as my upbringing was very very sexist!

However, few various things over the years, DH has changed so much, and so have I. We split everything 50/50, childcare and housework is teamwork not women's work.

That is how you tell a good partner. I am sure things will work out, just don't be a martyr, and speak up. Show your DD how women get treated, so she grows up knowing parents share roles/jobs equally, no matter who earns what.

Good luck x

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2017 00:36

Why did he get left with a clean house and clothes cleaned and ironed? Anyone who spoke to me like that would not be getting anything but their arse ironed for them.

And how come your savings went, 'on the baby'? Sounds like financial fuckery and you have managed to believe that 'his' savings are now going to the deposit. Only because you stepped up for the baby, an actual human being you are both responsible for.

BerylStreep · 11/04/2017 01:47

I know for a fact that AF doesn't need anyone to defend her, but I think you are being very dismissive of her views.

You maybe got a sorry. You might get a gift tomorrow (Really? That would make it OK? Hmm)

But I think you need to do some serious thinking, and going out for an Indian may feel like a start for you, but I don't think all your issues are going to be solved with him coming home to an empty house for an evening and providing a half arsed 'sorry'.

I really think the 'should have kept your legs closed' comment is extremely telling. That is really misogynistic. I take it he wasn't a party to the sex then? This will be his get out clause for the next 5, 10, 15 years.

I know you feel relieved he has said sorry, but I think you need to be very careful. In terms of childcare, you seem to have got it all sorted - how convenient for him! When you go back to work will he be dividing the night waking, the baths & changes, the housework, cooking & shopping equally? Or will you be expected to do the lion's share on your two days 'off'. Will that extent to 'his' weekends too?

AcrossthePond55 · 11/04/2017 04:37

Under the assumption that you aren't going to leave him (yet), I think you need to realize that you're returning to work in 3 months. The time to have the 'division of labour' discussion is right now because I have a feeling that it's going to take that long to get it settled. Please don't wait until you go back to work and just assume that he'll start pitching in. He won't. He'll say you should still do it all because you're 'only' working 24 hours. Granted, he'll be working more hours so you'll probably end up doing more, but he should still be doing his fair share based on the hours each of you work.

FABpMummy · 11/04/2017 05:01

This is not a partnership. You have subsidised his savings by paying for your joint baby.

HandbagCrab · 11/04/2017 05:24

You say you love him but where's the evidence he loves you? That comment he made is disgusting and never spending a moment with his daughter is cruel to both of you.

If you've done the paperwork for the mortgage I hope his deposit is not protected when you sell if it's what you both would have contributed if you'd not spent your savings on the baby. Separating finances like this works against you when you're not married.

Stop ironing his shirts!

Scrumptiousbears · 11/04/2017 05:37

I hear you OP. I'm on maternity leave and feel the same. Although my DP does help with housework and the kids a little he also just assumes I'll be home to look after the kids and makes plans to do his stuff.

The last time I had a day out by myself without the kids was before Halloween. I remember this as I bought Halloween chocolate that day. I haven't been to the gym since before Christmas. He has had plenty and goes to the gym all the time. I love my girls dearly but I need my life back a bit. I can't wait to get back to work and have adult conversation and to be able to drink a coffee before it gets cold and go to the loo in peace and quiet.

Problem is at the moment when the kids wake In the night I sort them cause he works. When I go back to work you can bet I'll still be up sorting them out whilst he snores.

Penhacked · 11/04/2017 06:03

Oh god you are 23 and he is not going to radically change. Your absolute best scenario now is to leave, go full time at work and find someone nice while you are young. Don't place any faith in this man

GloriaGilbert · 11/04/2017 06:13

I asked his to help look after baby tonight and he said 'I should have kept my legs crossed'

Oh my god. He's told you what he's like, just listen to him.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 06:22

I am not your problem, op. The problem is your selfish "partner" and the fact you are really not listening to what a shit situation you are in.

BarbaraofSeville · 11/04/2017 06:58

Does he know he is looking after the baby on Thursday and what that entails?

There is another thread running where a prospective SAHD seems to think it involves a lot of XBOX time.

user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 07:01

I wouldn't write the relationship off yet. Sit down and have a heart to heart. Explain that you should have the same amount of down time as otherwise the relationship won't be fair and won't work. Will end. tell him you don't want to live with a backwards 1950's man. You want more for yourself and a better role model for your child.

My husband works 14 hours a day and is a family man. I don't ask much of him on work days but he puts the kids to bed two or three nights a week and nightly he has a 10 minute tidy in the kitchen. Weekends are 50/50. We consider each other's needs

londonrach · 11/04/2017 07:04

The crossed legs comment..id have packed and gone. Suspect you wont be put on the deeds. Is he on the birth certificate. Be careful here op he doesnt sound v nice and sounds very controlling! Id be planning my exit.

Tanith · 11/04/2017 07:11

I think you need to point out that, if you decide to leave, he gets to do half the childcare and housework.

Which would he rather? Help out now, or have to pay for half a week's childcare and have sole charge of your daughter for half a week?

Sounds to me like he'll "get it" better with plain facts rather than appealing to his better nature.

GloriaV · 11/04/2017 07:18

He sounds a bit resentful that you 'didn't keep your legs together' - probably not planning to be tied to family life any more than you were but not being the one who has the baby determined his life will carry on as usual.
If you go back to part time hours there's a risk that things carry on as they are.
I don't get that you spent all your savings on baby things. How can you expect him to see himself has an equal partner if you do that. And the house thing sounds less than ideal. If 'giving you a house' is the end of his responsibilities then I would say you don't want to live in his house and stay renting.
Until you can see how he is going to be in the future. He needs to grow up first.

Dogblep · 11/04/2017 07:21

Don't you worry about the complete and utter lack of bond your child is going to have with this man? Because they'll have virtually none.

'You should have kept your legs crossed' is utterly vile and i'd have left at that. Women are allowed to like and want sex. He clearly has a low opinion of all who do.

Please don't become dependent on him. He isn't kind or loving.

Butterymuffin · 11/04/2017 07:31

I think it would help OP more to suggest what she could do next to keep on with making changes, instead of just continuing to shout at her about things.

NewView · 11/04/2017 07:37

I was where you are 18 years ago- the only difference is I was married and will get my share on divorce. I hope you can get him to do his share.
Just make sure you protect yourself financially.

Pollydonia · 11/04/2017 07:43

So your life has turned upside down and his has stayed the same.
I know you don't want to hear this, but your being a mug.
Shock and awe response or leave.
A text saying sorry after that vile comment is worth nothing.

Dashper · 11/04/2017 07:45

Stilldrivingmebonkers it's not misinformation. Shut up.

OP he needs to change NOW. Or leave him. It sounds like you'll be better off in the long run.

Werkzallhourz · 11/04/2017 07:46

Op, this is how wifework starts.

I'm afraid I have no solutions. My experience, with a fairly supportive DH, is that I still have to kick off every three months or so when his input slides significantly and I am left trying to do everything again.

I've known this issue destroy so many relationships. I suspect it will claim a few more when other friends' children reach 18.

LagunaBubbles · 11/04/2017 07:48

Oh well he said sorry so everything's all right in the OPs world again and she's starting to dismiss the sensible warnings of posters. Don't listen then. You will be a regular with these type of posts before long.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 07:51

There is no "solution" with a man like this

He won't discover a new respect for women after a bit if a sit down chat. If It's not there in the first place you cannot "teach" him it. Many women have tried that. They eventually leave or they give up and accept a life as second class citizen. This is how it goes.

Hellmouth · 11/04/2017 07:56

A precious poster said not to become more dependent on him, and I agree. Unless you're getting married, I think you should secure your financial position by working full time

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