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Original poster

Partner always does what he wants while I'm left with the baby

154 replies

Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 17:19

Im 23 and partner is 30. I'm currently on maternity leave, my partner is full time management. Every single day he comes home and I'm expected to make the dinner and wash it all up while still looking after the baby because he's 'entitled' to go play football or go to the pub or play on the Xbox, the list goes on! He says as he's buying us a house that I should just accept the situation as he's paid all the deposit (we currently rent)

I do all the cleaning and washing in the house in the day as I'm on Mat leave so I'd never expect to be sat down on my bum all day, baby is teething at the moment so is being quite difficult. I don't mind making the tee either! But am I being unreasonable to expect (or even want) a little help with the baby while I make his tee or even a bit of help with the washing up after?

I'm really really grateful that he's buying us a house and that he earns enough for us all until I go back to work in July and can contribute more.
I asked his to help look after baby tonight and he said 'I should have kept my legs crossed' he clearly then knew he stepped over the line and made it into a joke... saying I was being selfish for wanting him to help me after he's been working all day.

I feel like I'm beginning to crack Sadi never get just 5 minutes to myself... I even take the baby to the bath with me because I know he'll just ignore her.

Am I being selfish? ConfusedBlushSad

OP posts:
Semaphorically · 10/04/2017 19:06

You said you don't know why he does it. Because he CAN. Wouldn't it be nice to have everything at home done for you? The 1950s were great for men.

I am the main breadwinner in our house. When I'm not on mat leave DH looks after the kids and does most of the cooking and a lot of the house management (bills etc). But there is no way I would be able to EVER get away with telling him to do everything "because I'm buying the house" (nor would I want to) - I do a lot of house stuff as well, and we share childcare when I'm not at work. After all, they are my kids too and it's my mess just as much as his.

DH would leave me if I viewed myself as above household tasks (and above him) simply because I'm earning more than him. He wouldn't put up with being treated like that, nor should he.

BellyBean · 10/04/2017 19:07

If you're on the same salary perhaps you need to suggest shared parental leave...Then you can be the one earning the money and being waited on hand and foot!

Or suggest you both drop a day rather than you do down to 3 days when you go back.

And make sure you remember its takes two to tango!

silkpyjamasallday · 10/04/2017 19:55

I think that people crying LTB are being a little overzealous, have you had a serious conversation with him about how you are feeling?

My DP was generally good at splitting housework and looking after dd with me but went through a period of about a month where he got complacent and stopped doing the washing up, having to be asked to change dd's nappy and started going to his hobby 3 nights a week when he was already out another 2, so I ended up not getting a break and it was tough.

I was a martyr at the beginning because I so badly wanted to be able to keep the house lovely and look after the baby and cook a nice meal most nights, becuase I thought that as a SAHM that was my job and I should be able to do it all, but the reality of a baby meant that without help it wasn't possible. I needed to rest so stopped doing chores once he was in from work, and didn't push myself during the day to cover the backlog of laundry etc. and played with dd more instead of her watching me do chores. He very quickly got sick of not having clean clothes for work, or having to sort though mounds of random laundry to find things, and coming down to a messy living room and kitchen in the morning. I explained to him that yes, he needs a break from work in the evenings to relax, but although he was out of the house working I was working 24 hours 7 days a week trying to keep the house pleasant and dealing with a teething baby, and as much as I love my dd, it would be nice to have a bit of baby free time that wasn't cooking/washing up. I told him that it made me feel unloved and unappreciated that he didn't think I deserved a break, he got pretty upset and said that he just hadn't really clocked that it isn't a relaxing evening for me if all he does is play with baby while I cook. I also told him that the reason we had not had sex that month was only partly because I was totally knackered and mostly because I resented the way he was treating me like an unpaid housekeeper cook and nanny and if he didn't buck his ideas up I wasn't going to stick around in a sexless relationship.

Now he has cut down his hobby so will only go on one weeknight, and the 2 other nights he also has commitments so gets 3 nights doing what he wants and the other 2 nights are my nights where he takes baby for around 4 hours and she is totally his responsibility and he doesn't bother me unless it's important. I have that time to myself and it is such a blessing, DP might take baby out or just stays out of my way. I then take baby and put her to bed and he cooks and washes up while I do this. This has had the added effect that he now realises that it really is all consuming looking after dd and has started doing nice things to give me a break more often.

The build up of resentment is so poisonous, I really would try to talk to him about how you feel, maybe write down a few points to bring them home to yourself. Then talk to him, explain and if he doesn't see that he is being an arse then maybe think about getting rid, a house isn't worth it if you are a essentially a servant in it. Some things you've mentioned he has said and the attitude to the deposit are a little worrying, it could just be stupidity and no brain filter coupled with immaturity but it could also be a precursor to abuse. Read about emotional abuse and financial abuse on here, clue yourself up just in case.

ItsOutThere · 10/04/2017 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainydayspending · 10/04/2017 20:19

^^ as above. He fucking knows he's a lazy poor excuse for an adult. He needs to bloody pull his weight. Buying a house does not make you lord and master. Besides. He hasn't even bought it yet. If he's out pubbing and footie is ge really committed to that as well? Or is he stringing you along?
Tell him to grow the fuck up.

user1472334322 · 10/04/2017 20:21

24 hours spread over 3 days is 8 hours on each of those days. That's a lot to do along with a baby and all the other things. Believe me, I know and I do it with 2 kids and a supportive partner. Your other half needs to man up and look after his dd. Comments such as 'you should have closed your legs' are disrespectful and downright horrible. Was he not involved too? He should have kept something in his pants! Find that strong woman again, op. She's in there somewhere. Tell him to man up and sort himself out. You are not hus servant but his partner and the mother if his dd. Stay strong, you can do it. Flowers

Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 20:41

I've mostly blanked him since the 'shouldn't kept your legs closed comment'

He's come home from work to a beautifully tidy and clean house and all of his clothes clean and ironed.... but without anyone to talk to and no tee!
I'm off to my friends for an Indian, I have make up on and my hair looks half decent GrinI'm talking Baby with me so he can mull things over and think about how lucky he is!

I expect I'll get a sorry text soon and maybe a gift tomorrow!
I'm going to make a point of this now, I'm going to really try. Got my boss head back on!
He has a day off on Thursday so I'm going out shopping and leaving him with our daughter.

Thank you all for being so supportive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 20:42

Should have*

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 10/04/2017 21:05

He needs to step up or ship out. His comment about crossing your legs is awful, really nasty, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Stay strong and don't let him get away with this crap or you will become a doormat.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2017 21:16

You took baby to your friends for an Indian ? Leaving him alone for a nice relaxing child free/nagging wife free evening with all the shitwork done for him. Did you get the beers in for him too and leave him a nice home cooked meal ?

I don't think you get it, love.

MissJC · 10/04/2017 22:16

This will come back to bite him in the arse eventually because your dd will just think he is a twat and not a good dad.

I have a 7week old and my dp is fab, takes over looking after her when he gets in from work so I can cook tea. I actually enjoy cooking now as its an hour where I don't have to look after LO and get to just be me again. I also have a Sunday lie in and a Sunday afternoon of doing me things whilst he takes over. Saturday is where we do things as a family. Looking after a baby is a full time job, the most difficult job in the world and absolutely character testing, rewarding yet can be quite soul destroying when your bursting for a piss but have to put that on the back burner because your baby needs you more at that moment.

Yadnbu!

Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 22:17

Yes I did... Partner gets home at 8pm Indian was at 7... not going to leave Baby on her own, love Wink

I'm really grateful for everyone else's comments thank you!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2017 22:41

I am sure your bhuna would have waited an hour.

Astro55 · 10/04/2017 22:52

Doubt it made a difference - a young baby would've been asleep either way!

Silence can be very thought provoking if you took the tv remote

AnyFucker · 10/04/2017 22:54

I bet he got his mates round or went down the pub. That gesture was absolutely futile. Including the nice hair.

PatriciaHolm · 10/04/2017 23:00

He isn't going to be sitting there thinking how lucky he is to have you, he's sat there thinking ah lovely, peace and quiet, having a single blokes night. With mates down the pub, or at least a delivery dinner. He isn't going to suddenly come across all OMG what have i done? because you've left him alone one night!

He doesn't sound very nice at all I'm afraid, and not in the least bit prepared to man up to being a proper parent.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2017 23:16

'I'm going back to work but only 24 hours a week spread over 3 days. My sister owns and runs a nursery so I'm lucky in terms of childcare costs, my mother will also be taking care of my daughter 1 of the days for free.
We'll be splitting any child care costs though for sure!'

Absolute folly to do this when you are unmarried. He has you right where he wants you: financially dependent on him. He doesn't want to spend time with his own kid, FFS!

He's 30, not 13. He won't change. STOP all the shitwork, don't buy a house with him and make plans to get out and go back to work FT.

You won't listen, though.

GoldSpot · 10/04/2017 23:21

Please make sure you do go back to work op. I wouldn't want to be too dependant on a DH with attitudes like his.

Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 23:29

AnyFucker I could have waited an hour but my daughters routine wouldn't have thank you very much... I came on this asking for help which I have received in the mounds and you're being very judgemental.
Just no need really is there?! Don't be so rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgiemai7 · 10/04/2017 23:35

Yeah partner hasn't been the best recently, he is very sorry at the moment (expected) and has acknowledged some of the issues tonight. I love my partner very much. I just wish he wasn't so selfish sometimes! And I need to stop just doing everything for him!

I've got a lovely day planned Thursday where partner will be staying at home looking after baby.... I think It's a reasonable step in the right direction!

OP posts:
Musereader · 10/04/2017 23:36

My ex had the same attitude, the ive come home from work and shouldn't have to do anything - while i was earning the exact same money on full mat pay from the same job. If you leave him Its no harder because you are already doing everything yourself anyway and it is easier because you don't have to do any thing for him. So LTB

You could ask family for help if you are close, My brother coming round for a few hours in the evening twice a week is an immense help.

Ive had baths on a semi regular basis for the last month by putting the high chair in the bathroom with a new toy or piece of food for dd (7 months) on the tray. A prawn cracker seems to work very well and the kiddlylicious banana wafer kept her qiuet for a whole hour Grin

Astro55 · 10/04/2017 23:39

I don't think you need to leave him - he needs educating!

Don't leave instructions on housework etc - or leave food waiting! Let him manage and see how much he gets through - including a cooked meal! Oh and don't take over - let him wash up and put baby to bed!!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 10/04/2017 23:46

I never understand men who think mat leave is a holiday yet never seem keen to look after their baby for one measly hour...

Rainbowqueeen · 10/04/2017 23:49

If you are not marked you are in a very vulnerable position. You spent your savings on the baby and his go on the deposit for the house??!!

I know you said you are going on the deeds but in what proportion? Do not get stuck in the position where he pays for the house and you pay everything else.

I would not accept an apology and a gift for his behaviour, I would make it clear that things need to change and sit down with him to allocate tasks, ie nights for him to cook, bath baby etc

podrig · 10/04/2017 23:53

You should have kept your legs crossed?!?!

L. T. B. Angry

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