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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

999 replies

windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:18

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

OP posts:
welovepancakes · 14/04/2017 16:44

When I saw the title of this thread, I thought it was a joke. How depressing

surferjet · 14/04/2017 16:55

I wonder how many marriages work really well when it's the woman who earns most of the money? Not many I reckon.
Plus not sure why some people are shocked at this thread, I doubt many mumsnetters dreamt of marrying shelf stackers or road sweepers.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 14/04/2017 16:57

Mine copes alright, surferjet.
Helps not being married to a sexist pig, if course

OhTheRoses · 14/04/2017 17:02

My grandma used to say you should marry the same politics, religion, race and class. She also said that you could make it work if one was different but two became tricky.

IAmAmy · 14/04/2017 17:04

I wonder how many marriages work really well when it's the woman who earns most of the money?

I'd better make sure I don't out earn any man I may end up being with then. Thanks for the tip - I shall ensure I put any career plans on hold and turn down any progress I could make in the future just in case I ruin a relationship by earning more than a man. I have been enlightened by this thread and shall henceforth focus only on snaring a boy with high earning potential.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2017 17:16

"Plus not sure why some people are shocked at this thread, I doubt many mumsnetters dreamt of marrying shelf stackers or road sweepers."

Exactly. So much hypocrisy.

IAmAmy · 14/04/2017 17:26

I agree, completely hypocritical. What kind of rich man should we focus on snaring though? Successful sportsmen earn a huge amount so I'm thinking them. If I go to university I'm less likely to meet them though, but would be more likely to meet future high earning boys generally. Should I focus on boys studying certain subjects? But then with the potential for, say, a law conversion course, a boy could end up being high earning and I'd have passed him up because he wasn't doing a subject which lead directly to a highly paid job. Would it be best to ask boys soon after getting to know them what they plan to do as a career? If they fail, though, when to dump them and find someone else? Where to find someone else if you've already graduated? How to know which to gamble on in the first place? I need more guidance on this now I'm abandoning the notion of earning my own money.

NotReallyMeToday · 14/04/2017 17:27

I certainly never dreamed of marrying a city broker and spending my days polishing my nails and sipping slim has shakes, while worrying about the younger model in his office.

mewkins · 14/04/2017 18:09

Gwen - I never dreamt of marrying anyone!!!!! Not all girls spend their days dreaming about which prince would sweep them off their feet! Some think about their own lives and doing the best they can for themselves. I will not be drumming into my children the importance of settling down, with a road sweeper, banker or anyone else. I will tell them to go off and have their own adventures, take all opportunities that come their way. Life is short! Many of my friends are in their 30s, 40s and 50s and happily single, successful and enjoying life. What a shocker!!

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2017 20:07

" I doubt many mumsnetters dreamt of marrying shelf stackers or road sweepers."
If I dreamed of marrying anyone it was an individual. Job or salary were not things I considered.
Amy lipstick, a bow in your hair and a tinkle laugh could help you snag a rich man. Remember to never disagree with him.

TinselTwins · 14/04/2017 20:30

I will tell them to go off and have their own adventures, take all opportunities that come their way.

Why? that's not what everyone wants! I'm quite envious of my friend who had the courage to go against the grain and settle down while the rest of us were doing what we were told young women should do: see the world! don't be tied down to young etc..

They're the ones who can go on adventures now - they've built up good equity and have a decent pension pot and nice spacious homes and can travel and take career brakes… while those of us who thought you had to be single and "see the world" to have a good life are strugglng now

mewkins · 14/04/2017 21:29

My kids are 6 and 3. There is no way (unless they win the lottery) that they will ever be able to afford to own their own house and by the time they are of working age the age of retirement will be 87 so I reckon adventures are the way forward...

Are you seriously saying you regret taking the chance to see the world when you had the chance?!?!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 14/04/2017 21:38

You have no control over the richness of the person she marries???
( assuming she wants to marry/ have kids / be a sahm. The only way to improve her chances would be private education/ living in rich area/ having a high flying job
So would really like to know how you are planning to get her a rich husband

JanetBrown2015 · 14/04/2017 22:51

IAm, my ex husband specifically preferred girls from the local law school (post grad) rather than teacher training college as they were brighter and likely to earn more. It worked for him so I presume women can do the same in reverse.

If we know people go in for assortive mating now - someone similar in terms of education, class, aims income then it's not too difficult. I would be surprised if my lawyer children married someone too different from them simply because of whom they meet.

Of course like all parents I want my sons and daughters to be happy (and also to earn their own money so it's certainly never in our family been an issue to marry money as women (and most of the men) earn their own).

And yes I and my children all have had private educations from age 4 and have gone to fairly good universities and i suppose we speak in a certain way and don't look too bad so that tends to help if you want a similar partner.

TinselTwins · 14/04/2017 22:59

Are you seriously saying you regret taking the chance to see the world when you had the chance?!?

Yeah! I regret the order

Friends who settled first are well set for life, can go on holidays, take career breaks, enjoy life now , they can have expensive hobbies, luxuries etc. They're not in a state of panic about the state (or lack) of their pension plans. They climbed the career ladder earlier so part time at their level is fairly well paid, they're not trying to climb the ladder late with less energy and young kids that were had later in life..

I did a bit of childish gap-yearey type lifestyle in my 20s. 1. it's not all it's cracked up to be, I'ld be a better traveller now but I won't be able to afford a foreign holiday for the forseeable future!

IAmAmy · 14/04/2017 23:02

Career breaks?! Amateurs, I'm expecting a husband so rich I won't need a job at all never mind a "career" Hmm

HelenaDove · 15/04/2017 00:06

Gwen.......................strangely the girls who bullied me at school (including misogynistic bullying about my legs because my mum wouldnt let me shave them) all married well off/rich men.
No exceptions.

Believe me not one of that lot would ever consider dating a "pauper"

insideoutoutsidein · 15/04/2017 07:49

Sorry NRTFT, but I had a thought. Most men start to earn good money in their late 30's early 40's. Some of these men may already be married by then. If we encourage our daughters to marry well, should we ask them to ignore the marital status of a man as well? Or do we expect him to be single as well? Does an age gap matter?

user1490465531 · 15/04/2017 09:07

if I had sons I wouldn't want them to marry a woman who's greatest ambition in life was to become a SAHM.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2017 09:08

"1. it's not all it's cracked up to be, I'ld be a better traveller now "

Yes, but the other travellers you'd meet would be half your age. You'd be the oldest person in the "youth" hostel, etc.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2017 09:12

"Many of my friends are in their 30s, 40s and 50s and happily single, successful and enjoying life. What a shocker!!"

It's a bit taboo to admit how unhappy you are as a single person so you don't really know how they feel about it. Go and have a look at the thread running at the moment about the loneliness and unhappiness it causes. I'm single myself, by the way,

There's also the financial aspect. Even pairing up with a man on quite a low income could help you buy a house, which you might not be able to go at all as a single person.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2017 09:14

"Would it be best to ask boys soon after getting to know them what they plan to do as a career?"

Not many people these days marry a childhood/student boyfriend. They're usually already working adults when they meet.

user1490465531 · 15/04/2017 09:14

And to the poster who said about more men becoming SAHD so the woman can further her career....
To be honest most women wouldn't want that anyway.
Even given the option most women want to be the SAHP and would be horrified if there partner turned around and said he would stay at home instead.
Or they use the exscuse of there partner has more earning potential etc etc.
Truth be told anyone can have more earning potential if they work at it.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2017 09:16

"Truth be told anyone can have more earning potential if they work at it."

No, that's really not true.
I don't know about women not wanting their men to stay at home. I think some would want that. My experience has been, though, that in the cases I know the mother was still the primary parent, even though it was the father who was at home, in the sense of it being the mother the children went to when they were ill, etc.

dailyshite · 15/04/2017 09:18

I wonder how many marriages work really well when it's the woman who earns most of the money? Not many I reckon
Plus not sure why some people are shocked at this thread, I doubt many mumsnetters dreamt of marrying shelf stackers or road sweepers

Funnily enough I dreamed of being independent and happy, not marrying a prince, lawyer, corporate banker, doctor etc. And the happiest couples I know are people who married painters, supermarket workers, charity workers etc.

Such a fucked up thread.