AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

[windygallows]

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

I'm a single mum and worked hard to get a professional career.

I'd never be fulfilled marrying a rich man and staying at home or being in a poorly paid job.

Yes life would be so much easier if I was married to a rich man. But challenge is something I love. Hard work and achieving my own goals means everything to
Me.

For years I dated a very rich man and I was living in a multi million pound house from the age of 18-23. But I was miserable.

I'm much happier now.

I dunno, Natasha Massey's dad is richer than Ched. Daddy is a tycoon, Ched is a third rate footballer whose best years are behind him. Assuming her father's not planning to disinherit her, she's probably going to end up the wealthier of the two. She's married down, if anything.

Stealth my daughters both have successful careers and have worked very hard to achieve. One is a single parent and the other earns significantly more than her partner. This means they struggle to pay for all their childcare needs and so I now work part time and provide a lot of childcare. I think life is a different type of hard for women nowadays.
For my sons I actually want what I wish my daughters had, a loving and equal relationship without too much financial stress

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/01/middle-class-feminism-female-cleaners-domestic-low-paid

I often wonder why working class women married at all in times past. They'd end up just as poor (if not poorer), still have to bring in income, only would have to be a slave to a man+kids AND continuously risk their lives in childbirth on top.

I have thought now and again reading these boards that you can get just as shafted by an unfortunate choice of career/employer as you can by the wrong husband. If you're lucky enough to bag a husband who is loving, caring, respects you as a human being and is rich (oh, all right, solvent will do) you're no more dependent than a woman in a well-established career who is still answerable to whatever corporation employs her or whatever combination of clients pay her livelihood. You're as likely to be made redundant as you are to get divorced, and plenty of professions become obsolete or fall victim to recession. Here's the kicker: the mechanics of the disadvantage you will face as a woman remain the same. A job does not insulate you from sexism.

YY GallicosCats.

At the very least it spreads the risk

Actually that's true Elisaveta. Bad example!

Marrying across class is (I have read!) less likely now than in recent history.
People aim for people of similar wealth.
You do see a few old dudes out with their 'nieces' but they are very unlikely to marry them.
So marrying well is pretty difficult unless you are already doing ok. I gather.

I married quite young (28) to a man who, although he didn't have a lot of money at that time, was clearly very ambitious. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance and we were married within 6 months of having met. He is also from a cultural background where the biggest shame for a man would be not being able to financially support your family. Where men are socialised to believe that the financial burden is completely their responsibility, it can be a huge burden. He became a workaholic over the years and is only just learning to take a step back now, in his 40s.
On the plus side he has been very successful - paid off the mortgage on several properties, school fees for 3 DC, as well as setting up trust funds and properties for the DC which will mean that they will never have to struggle. It has been stressful to live with over the years and I won't deny that. But looking backwards now, I can see how his attitude and work-ethic have given me choices, that I might not otherwise have had. He has preferred me to be a SAHM (which I discovered was what my I wanted too once the DC came along), but if I had wanted to return to work he wouldn't have stopped me, although it would have been difficult to do more than school hours tbh. So although I ended up not being financially self-sufficient, my marriage has given me security but also choice and I'm very grateful for that.

It's true that jobs are subject to various pressures job loss, work stress, restructuring - but then all those things apply to men as well, don't they

Rich men marry rich women, now more than ever. If you want your daughters to marry well then they'll have to be doing well anyway.

I think 'marrying well' is as much of a high risk strategy as anything else. I have a friend who married a guy from a very wealthy background - rich parents, due to inherit land, cash, the works. After 15 years and 4 children he ditched her for OW, and she wound up suddenly on her own, trying to live on part time TA wages, and really struggling.

You don't know where life will take you. I'd rather marry for love, and rely on myself to keep a roof over my head.

And retain sone self respect (does not apply where a coupe have decided the woman will sah as a joint decision, does apoly when a woman marries a rich man to be 'kept')
I'm sick of puss footing around this. It's demeaning.

Or both.
I only vaguely know what that means ;)

Really interesting post...
I will encourage my kids to marry people who will be in partnership with them for what they want in life and to value and consider what life they might want for their children.

I'm probably quite old fashioned but I really don't like to see babies and small children in full time childcare.
So I would advise them to think about how they will share their work and care of the children.

This could include a man (DS or SIL) working with sahm but equally could be vice versa or sharing care. I do think when two parents are working full time it puts such a strain on everyone and very few people would choose that if they had a full and free choice (including enough money and no penalty for career breaks!)

a loving and equal relationship without too much financial stress

Good way to put it carmac.

I think it's not realistic to expect to find a husband who can completely support a family to a high standard. It's much less common than it used to be. But I want my daughter's to find men who will do their bit, not just working hard at work, but helping with running the house, looking after the children and asking my daughters how their days went.

The days of a man coming home and putting his feet up and feeling his job is done are over. Very few men can bring home enough money for this to look like a reasonable contribution to the family on its own.

I don't want my daughters to work all day, come home and do a second shift and have spouses who don't do any of the emotionally supportive stuff that women normally do.

This is an interesting thread. Are any Dads considering considering advising their sons to marry - to suit their desired future lifestyle choices I wonder?

Excellent point Helloworld,

Anyone reading this thread should checkout the "Gold Digger Prank" videos on YouTube....

Average looking guy, leaning against a very flash, expensive sports car (Ferrari, Bugatti, Porsche etc). Naturally the car gets a lot of attention from passersby. He starts chatting to girls and eventually asks them if they want to go for a ride. When they accept, he walks them over to the average looking car behind the Ferrari. The girl inevitably runs a mile (but ends up with YouTube notoriety).

Interesting social experiment. It has never been shown to work with the male / female roles reversed.

The prank works even better if the guys starts off leaning on an average car and tries to chat up passing girls.. They invariably reject his lame pick up attempts. I his disappointment, he goes to his own car - a Lamborghini nearby. Suddenly, the girls get interested...

caramac04

"I think life is a different type of hard for women nowadays."

This. So very, very true. High paid prestigious careers come with an awful lot of stress and sacrifice.

I would think everybody should try to marry well. I wouldn't think that has anything to do with him/her being rich though. I thought it was more to do with being a genuinely good person, will look after your son/daughter and treat them well and just has good work ethic whatever they do.

However there are many ways women can lead fulfilling lives without partnering up and having kids

Yes, this.

I know myself well enough by now to know that I'm happiest and strongest being single and childfree. I love my career and earn enough to get by.

Family life might be the most common option but it's definitely not the only option.