AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

[windygallows]

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

Of course a lot of the time how/when a job is done isn't particularly important as long as it is done to a reasonable standard.

DCs clothing would need to be weather and activity appropriate, so no thin party dresses for a winter walk in the woods for example.

Food should be decent quality etc. Not acceptable to only ever make rubbishy freezer food and never cook or serve vegetables or put any effort in and only every do quick/easy food or send out for takeaway. Also to be served at an appropriate time so DCs aren't left hungry for hours.

If something like a bathroom is cleaned, it should actually be clean when the job has been done, not half of it missed, nor only done very infrequently.

I'm the OP and have found the responses interesting; to me this question is much more of a grey area than people think which is evident in the responses.

What I've gleaned is that: marrying PURELY for money is generally considered crass and something very few would encourage their DDs to do BUT considering the financial state of one's potential partner IS okay (in fact encouraged) as is marrying someone with drive and the POTENTIAL to earn and assortive mating is probably desirable as it means marrying someone at the same or higher educational attainment or 'class', so more of a guarantee of a particular type of future.

It sounds like we obviously want our DDs to marry for love but for them to consider their DPs financial future and be savvy about their DP's financial future, just not to be gauche enough to focus on money too much??!! :) See... it's just not that black and white!

I'm also pretty confident that if our DDs had a choice between marrying a starving artist from a poor b/g and marrying a lawyer from a well heeled background we'd probably have a preference.

YABU
If my daughter CHOOSES to marry I would hope she marries for happiness!
A job doesn't always last, your house could be blown down and your husband could be really frigggin ugly in the future.....but if they're happy then none of that will marry.

A parent can 'encourage' all they want. But a person cannot control who they fall for! The only happy marriages that last, are the ones filled with and built on Love. Marrying for anything else causes problems in the future. I would consider it irresponsible of me to 'encourage' any of my children to marry for financial reasons.

I would have disagreed with this right up to pre-kids.

Post kids - hmmm... i have many friends who married 'well' and are very comfortable, seem very happy, have lovely houses and numerous holidays, can stay at home and practically do anything they want. Nothing is a struggle.

this is not me - was always anti marrying well - although I am happy - I do not have many or any of the options they do. Most of all I get seriously upset everyday that I have to come to work.

It's not that I long for the big house, the 5 luxury holidays a year, the nanny, the car (well not too much!!). But more because I feel I have missed and am still missing my children's childhood because I am not around much during the week. It makes me feel very sad, some days I cry.

So for this reason, I would explain to my boys (as marrying well works both ways nowadays, many rich girls out there!) about life somehow.

Happiness first but 'marrying well' opens up so many options I just wish I had right now.

If "marrying well" means marrying someone nice, who's not going to be unfaithful, knock them about, steal from them, or never be there, yes, teach people to "marry well".

I suspect to the OP it actually means "marry someone who has money and tolerate the fact he's never there/a bit handy with the fists/bangs his secretary/spends his a proportion wages on escorts or PS4s as he pays for the kids to go to private school/allows me to live in a nice house/gives me some cash"

yes YABU.

I'm also pretty confident that if our DDs had a choice between marrying a starving artist from a poor b/g and marrying a lawyer from a well heeled background we'd probably have a preference.

I'd hope that would be for whichever makes your daughter happiest and treats her best.

If you are a feminist all you have to ask yourself is if I had sons would I encourage them to "marry well" in this sense. This is a big expression of values, it says you think money is the most important factor in human happiness. This is ugly. It is not only anti feminist but also anti-humanist. Who you marry is a complex decision and a personal decision. I am not naive, I know that financial security is important, but in reaching for that, as a feminist and mother of daughters I would say make sure you support your girls education, and their ability to make informed choices within the frame work of moral values you ascribe to. They may not wish to marry at all.

I'd say my daughter should marry for love but not be so blinded by love that she marries a lazy person who isn't going anywhere in life or showing signs that he will continue to better himself.

We should be doing both. Telling our daughters to marry well and aim for the sky themselves. And we should be telling our sons to do the same.

Marrying happy instead I think.

I was pushed by my family to marry a man with means and within a very short time even they where begging me to leave.

He had the money there for the control of mine and my childrens lives and it was horrible.

Now i have a husband with a middle income manual job and so happy.

Marry happy if your going to marry at all

Please windygallows is clearly not suggesting she will send DDs to finishing school in the hope of landing a rich husband with whom they will have a miserable life. She is saying that maybe they should not be encouraged to marriage some deadbeat just for "love".

Successful relationships are dependent on more than just love and money or the lack of it is often at the centre of many problems in marriage.

I suppose the key is teaching your children to do the best they can do...first in their own career and secondly, in any life they may find themselves leading. A realistic understanding of the challenges they face given any choice they make will help them to decide who is the right husband for them.

If you 'snap' the washing when you hang it out, it doesn't need ironing at all.

Well you can tell yourself this...

Now I am American...granted...but with cotton (shirts and trousers) and wool (suit trousers), you want the crease. None of this class-based crap thing with creases. If the shirt is silk, sure, no creases....but the decision to crease or not is clearly related to material....not to managerial status. I hope we can agree on this.

Now if you are going for the crease, do it right. Just because Nan liked to "snap".....doesn't mean a thing....she also believed she could communicate with her departed uncle Nigel too.

So, how do you get a good rigid crease? First of all separate the laundry by material and colour. Stick all the delicates aside - they are a whole separate topic. Polyester stuff you can just bung in the wash and do what you like...

Now wool.....just to get rid of this one. If you can, just sponge and air...it is a forgiving fabric but can lose its shape. Treat with a bit more care.

But to the kernel.....the point of it all: cotton. White cottons should be soaked occasionally in a very weak bleach solution. Armpits and collars can be treated with a stain stick. Washed hot. Spun thoroughly. If it makes you feel better snap the hell out of them....Nan will beam - she has done well in passing down her knowledge....but it is neither here nor there. Hang up indoors. When they are about half dry, iron with a heavy iron and add a starch spray to really get the board-like quality that keeps the crease all day. Hang on wooden or plastic hanger and be sure to button the top button.

Coloured cotton, basically the same way, just no bleach and lower washing temp.

I have a really sturdy ironing board and a heavy iron for cottons. Steam is not that big of an issue as the clothes are, again, slightly damp.

I have a light weight iron that steams like a locomotive for delicates and polyesters....but again that is another topic.

I married well.

My husband hasn't got a penny to his name, was a 19 year old Essex lad working at Argos when I met him, ( I was 26!) but on my childrens lives, every single minute of every hour we are together, this man treats me like I am a Queen, and our children with all the love in the world.
We met online, and in the early days of our relationship, he was over 140 miles away from me, and one night, I rang him after a bad day at work, it was about 10pm, he was in bed early as he had an early shift the next day, when suddenly, he said he had to go. The next thing I know, at 2am in the morning, he was on my doorstep after catching four trains to get to me, with flowers, milk, (for a cuppa!) and chocolates, and he gave me the biggest hug, and then, had to leave straight away, to catch another four trains home so he didn;t miss work. He now works for the RAF, on good money, we have four children, and after eleven years, he is still as romantic, soppy, gorgeous, as the day we first met.
Most said it wouldn't last, 19 yr old Essex lad?? But he is the most caring kind, loving, considerate man I have ever met....I only worry that my children won't be able to find someone half as amazing as their daddy. Nothing to do with money, but of how he treats me and all those around him!

Marrying well? What for? So you can live off his income?
wtf? That is like prostitution.
Encourage your daughters to have full and happy lives not marry someone who is 'ok' but has money.
Also teach them to spot abusive men a mile off.
The reason you do not hear the phrase any more is because it is odious.

Beautifully said. Thank you.

Tell them to marry for love, not for money. Anyone who doesn't totally love their husband ends up miserable. Encourage them to work hard at school instead so they can get challenging, fun and well paid jobs. That is where they meet the 'nicer' partners anyway, so its a win win. I would never aspire to be a SAHM (which I am, by the way) as you often become nothing more than a domestic slave.

My friend's mum had a real thing about her daughter 'marrying well'. My friend is now 37, and other than being on a few dates when she was in her 20s, and a number of one-night-stands when she was at uni, she has never been close to being in a relationship. None of the men (in the early days of her looking) met her or her mum's high standards.

Maybe it was inevitable that she would reach this age and not settle down, or maybe her mum's strict standards and 'encouragement' caused it, but it makes you wonder.

Hi just something I experienced, I had a boyfriend who was not good with money and sticking to jobs, he said to me one day 'well I can just live off you' - I was shocked and thought there is no future in this, how can you consider your future and bringing children into the world with this instability, he was soon dumped, met someone nice, regular job, drive, kind, we have 2 girls now and happy, yes don't just marry for money but do take into consideration how it will affect the future generation as you could run into problems, children need stability too as well as a loving family

I am married to my High school boyfriend. We've been together 16 years, so obviously had no idea of his financial prospects at the time. He's done remarkably well in his field and as a result, I can now work part time and enjoy my work/life balance of being me & mum at the same time. I wouldn't encourage my DD to marry for money, but I would encourage her to consider the ambition/prospects of any potential lifetime partner. I have witnessed others who would love to work less but can't because their DH's aren't the slightest bit ambitious and are happy for their DW's to bring home the majority of the bacon, so to speak.

If you are into ironing (it is a bit of a hobby), watch this guy...

My technique is different, but good lord he is good...

But this is one of the factors contributing to why there is such a gender pay gap. The old fashioned tradition that Mum stays at home and looks after kids while the men earn the bread and butter. The pay gap won't close until it is recognised that raising children is a joint role and it is okay for women to stay ambitious even after having children and business' start to become more progressive with their flexible partime working options for both men and women. Just accepting that the man earns the money and so it's important to marry a man who can provide well so the wife can stay at home looking after the kids is so old fashioned! It saddens me that you would want that for your daughters over encouraging them to get a career themselves!

this would encourage them to marry for money, then later on they'll blame you did not encouraging them to follow their hearts, they may become unhappy in their marriages and end up with affairs and divorce. Bad idea

"She is saying that maybe they should not be encouraged to marriage some deadbeat just for "love". "

What's a female 'deadbeat' for these purposes - is it also a low earner? And what happens in same sex marriage - should both be trying to marry 'up'?

I suppose one practical problem with the encouragement to marry well stance is that you may foster discontent if dspouse then turns out not to earn enough (redundancy, unexpected career stalling etc). George Eliot knew the risks i suppose - see Rosamond Vincy and her unhappy marriage. RV would almost certainly have done better to have a job herself, even part-time, had that been possible.