Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well'?

999 replies

windygallows · 09/04/2017 22:18

I know 'marrying well' is something our mothers and grandmothers crowed about but it's not a phrase I've heard much these days and it feels quite an anti-feminist sentiment in a world where women can do well without men.

Yet I wonder if marrying well - marrying into money or marrying someone who is in a well-paid profession - is something we should be encouraging our daughters to do. Why? Because not every woman wants to have a career and if you want to be a SAHM then really that's easiest if your DH is well paid. Also women still experience a pay gap and are in lower-paid roles by comparison, so having a well paid DH really does make up that pay gap.

Plus - when I look around at my female friends and peers (I'm mid-40s) of the ones who have a comfortable lifestyle and are able to work part-time or be SAHM, for about 3/4 that lifestyle is attributed to having a well-paid or wealthy DH. The other 1/4 got there through their work/career, family money etc. This is purely a sample of my peers, by no means the norm.

I'm a staunch feminist so it's a bit hard to write this but I'm also a single parent and know what a slog it can be making everything work on my own salary. Marrying well doesn't mean a good marriage or relationship but it does make things easier. In the end shouldn't we be having an honest conversation with our daughters about this and encouraging them to think a bit more about 'marrying well'?

OP posts:
lizzieoak · 10/04/2017 21:48

But IamAmy, not everyone wants to be Prime Minister! You can't force people to want to rule the world, being ambitious in the work world is not the be all and end all.

IAmAmy · 10/04/2017 21:51

lizzieoak no not everyone wants to have high powered, high earning careers. Not all women do, not all men do. I don't see how not everyone being ambitious translates to teaching girls to aspire to have high earning husbands.

lizzieoak · 10/04/2017 21:52

But IamAmy, not everyone wants to be Prime Minister! You can't force people to want to rule the world, being ambitious in the work world is not the be all and end all.

IAmAmy · 10/04/2017 21:53

I refuse to subscribe to this idea (seemingly taken up by some on this thread) that women are too delicate and feeble for jobs like these.

Quite. For example a third of engineers who've been working on Crossrail are women.

Bottlesoflove · 10/04/2017 21:54

So if a woman is of less than average intelligence her only option is to marry well? Aren't their lots of other careers that don't necessarily require you to be "book smart"? There are women sportspeople, business owners, musicians etc etc all doing fairly well for themselves you know. Some even (god forbid) are single, gay or out earning their husbands. What if their mothers had taught them to only aim to "marry well"?

Gwenhwyfar · 10/04/2017 21:58

"There are women sportspeople, business owners, musicians etc etc all doing fairly well for themselves you know. "

You still need skills and/or talent for those jobs. Sportsperson and musician in particular.

missymayhemsmum · 10/04/2017 22:08

I think if you want to be prime minister, a top scientist orwhatever then you either need to be totally focused and childless, or to have a supportive and preferably solvent partner.
To have a high flying career as a single parent is almost impossible. To have a high flying career while remaining married to a feckless tosser even harder.

daffodil10 · 10/04/2017 22:18

I would encourage my daughter to marry well but as others have said this would mean someone who works hard, is kind and considerate. I very much doubt she would go for someone who is lazy and unemployed. Money isn't everything but it does help and she's been brought up not to be embarrassed by money it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm hoping that the last thing she'd want to be is a sahm. She's been brought up to think that women can have everything and that there's more to life than nappies and kids. She has a fantastic career plan and Being a sahm would be last on her list

Chickendipper12 · 10/04/2017 22:19

It seems I need to teach my daughter to be a golddigger and my son to be a cash machine

Amar1na · 10/04/2017 22:31

"She has a fantastic career plan and being a SAHM would be last on her list."

How lovely, I hope she doesn't turn out as judgemental as her mother.

Chickendipper12 · 10/04/2017 22:35

I dont understand why people are so judgey about sahm?

I didnt have my children to shove them in a nursery 7 til 6 all week.

Original poster
windygallows · 10/04/2017 22:40

Chicken dipper - that old chestnut again? The obvious report is - Who pays your way then?

OP posts:
daffodil10 · 10/04/2017 22:40

Chickendipper I didn't have children to shove them in nursery oooh and that's not judgey at all is it !!!😂😂😂

Original poster
windygallows · 10/04/2017 22:40

Retort not report...

OP posts:
IAmAmy · 10/04/2017 22:41

One could ask the same about why some are so judgemental of mothers who work (but never fathers). My mother has a brilliant career. She has always been and is a wonderful mother to my brothers and I. The idea she "shoved us in a nursery" and implication she isn't as bothered is pretty offensive.

Chickendipper12 · 10/04/2017 22:43

Im not bothered if people dont want to be a stay at home parent its just I personally didnt have my children to have them in nursery all day. It personal choice so to sit saying
"I hope my daughter isnt a stay at home mum"
What if she wants to be?

And I pay my own way. I sell music I have written

daffodil10 · 10/04/2017 22:49

Chickendipper. She wants a career and being a sahm isn't a career. I hope I've instilled in her that you can have children and have a career without feeling guilty.

Chickendipper12 · 10/04/2017 22:50

Iamamy people are just as judgy at the idea of a stay at hone farther.
My mum worked while I was a child and that great if that worked for her. Likewise if it works for you or your mother or anyone else that wonderful.
But I dont want to miss my childs development for days on end but thats me personally. I dont judge how anyone parents its down to them.

My point is why are people so concerned their child may want to be a stay at home mother?

Amar1na · 10/04/2017 22:50

Well I haven't paid my way for 12 years - the lowest of the low, prostituting myself to DH Grin

Chickendipper12 · 10/04/2017 22:52

daffodil10

Couldnt agree more if its what she wants.I wish her all the best in life!

My point is the emphasis many have made to not be a sahm Is there a shame I should feel that im missing? Haha.
My comment isnt towards you iv just seen it mentioned a few times as if it shameful

daffodil10 · 10/04/2017 23:05

It isn't shameful and I don't think anyone has said so. Its a choice you make and it's completely up to you. I do think it's judgemental to suggest those of us who don't stay at home are missing out on crucial development stages and therefore we don't care or we care more about our careers.

BBCNewsRave · 10/04/2017 23:07

Karanka How impressive that in your imaginary scenario you're so much better than us waster dads who really do have to manage f/t work, childcare, housework, etc...

Hmm I know I'd clear up after myself and not leave a mess, as so many men do, because I've always done it. Even as a teen looking after ill parent and younger sibling. Unlike so many men myself and others have witnessed, lived with etc. Not just arsehole men, either, pleasant fairly feminist men. It's like a blind spot in some cases.

Fantastic that you yourself are not like that. And you are proof it's socialised in and not innate! But overall, there is a massive imbalance between who is responsible for housework and other aspects of organising a family.

Chickendipper12 · 10/04/2017 23:12

I never once said that I said I dont want to miss anything. Thats me probably being a crazy person.
Before I had my children I worked in a nursery (before getting a teaching degree) I had to tell parents about many firsts and I always thought from that point on I didnt want to be a career mum.
Mums that have careers and children, manage to keep the house clean, take the children to clubs are awesome. I cant stress that enough. I genuinely think anyone doing this is a inspiring human being and their sons and daughter are lucky to have such people to look up to however its just not for me.

People view such things differently.

No offence was ment

HelenaDove · 10/04/2017 23:24

Smileeachday Someone upthread implied that nurses wernt working hard.

But i guess you missed that one.

HelenaDove · 10/04/2017 23:47

YY OP There are women on 0 hour contracts who struggle to even afford their SOCIAL HOUSING rent.

So the men on here using dating sites who now expect actual capital as well as erotic capital need not worry.

Because i doubt women in that position can even afford to date.

Im a full time carer for my DH so i dont work. When the condition he has got finally kills him i will have no interest in dating again.

I would NEVER enter a dating pool where anal and the shaving off of womens pubic hair is expected . I thought that was bad enough but its actually worse than i thought. I doubt i would ever be able to afford some of the men on these sites by the sound of things.

Id rather be alone than go through all that crap.

Swipe left for the next trending thread