Future DIL WWYD

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was

Can we go back to this? What was the context, what exactly did she say?

Oh come now Norland I have seen far longer.

And there plenty of posts that might be more suitably placed elsewhere, not too sure what your point is.

However, unlike a lot a LOT of people on AIBU, the OP has been really quite gracious and accepting of contrary opinions. It's the rest of us getting hot under the collar. This is absolutely NOT one of those; OP Aibu? Everyone: Yes; OP, No I'm not.

Not saying the OP is being reasonable (well actually I am but that's not the point of what I'm saying here) but she is hardly being unreasonable for posting a long (ish) post here and responding calmly and maturely to answers

I haven't made up any stories, I've given my experience with 2 MIL's, one who continued with this is my narrative and I'm sticking to it, my DS will do what I want or else. Compared to the other MIL who saw that by acting in a certain manner she wasn't going to get anywhere so changed to wanting to make friends and assist where possible.

Olive if you take my advice just walk away, as we're both totally wrong, there's no way that the daughter is simply shy of shattered after a long days work. She's preserving her energy to abuse OP's DS. Yes we both know it's absurd, yes neither of us agree with those who are in favour with OP and her side of events. Yes we know that after 10 years of abuse and no children if things were that miserable DS could walk away.

Those issues support think they have this analysed and sorted verbatim, OP is merely a victim along with DS, believe their conjecture and rhetoric. So an opposing view will never be welcome.

Brace yourself for the next post about the wedding. Oh they chose 'x' as the main course, DS knows I can't abide it. So I sobbed at the top table whilst picking at my food as 'x' touched the veggies and potatoes, so I could bear to ingest it.

Prayers to OP. Please update when you've spoke to DS. I'm happy to concede if I'm wrong.

Fairy you have EVERY right to stick to your story, which sounds horrendous, and as I have said before, you truly have my sympathy.

Where you are going a little awry imho is in assuming that because this is what happened to you it is ipso facto what is happening with the OP and DiL

I haven't made up any stories

... then ...

there's no way that the daughter is simply shy of shattered after a long days work

What were you saying FairytalesAreBullshit? Nominative determinism in action!

Brace yourself for the next post about the wedding. Oh they chose 'x' as the main course, DS knows I can't abide it. So I sobbed at the top table whilst picking at my food as 'x' touched the veggies and potatoes, so I could bear to ingest it.

And this nauticant ???

As I have said, I have a LOT of sympathy with Fairy but blige, there's projecting, there's projecting and there's creeping towards fantasy....

And yes Fairy I accept that you are being ironic, but the point remains...you are just inventing stuff here.

I speak to my mum most days at least once.

She doesn't live close anymore but when she did I would see her daily as well. No one told me that my mum needs to cut the apron strings.

Ignore the poster who assumed you would get angry and attack her. You seem really lovely OP, level headed, calm and even after what your DIL has been like not once have you wanted to be mean about her.

I am so sorry you are going through this and you have had lots of good advice. I just wanted to post to say that you do sound lovely and I don't think any of this sounds like your fault at all.

18 pages in op, let's simplify this: Some people are just not nice, you won't ever please them so stop trying. Focus on your son and just keep it polite with dil. As for her txt, a simple "ok, see you soon" will do in response.

I have read it like the work situation is the straw that broke the camel's back.

1. There was only 1 engagement party that the OP wasn't invited too.
2. The meal with the 2 families,ops son was stuck in between them.They were not made to feel welcome.

3.The DIL sits in the car and beeps the horn when she wants to go. 4 She ignored mil whe in work in the presence of a senior manager.

They are the facts as op put them.The DIL does not come across well.

The OP maybe the devil but from reading her posts here,it seems like she wants a polite relationship. It doesn't sound like she will wear a white dress to the wedding.Or sabatage the flowers.

I get on with my MIL very well although my brother-in-law's wife has never been fond of her. My MIL massively sucks up to her in front of me to the point where I'm totally overlooked and it's gotten to the point where I can't stand being around them. I see SIL being 'coldly polite' and MIL sucking up to her and it just drives me mad. Don't bother making the effort with her anymore. You've done everything you can. She obviously thinks that she's above you and your family so leave her up there on her pedestal! Focus on your relationship with your son. He will soon notice that she refuses to make any kind of effort with you. He will snap, one day.

If DIL was that bad, there's not much of a reason why DS couldn't say, if unhappy, sorry it's over.

People do escape from domestic abuse.

Some people escape from domestic abuse after weeks or months. Some after years. Some after decades, some never escape and far too many are murdered.

There are doctors, lawyers, high powered businessmen and women being abused right now in long term abusive relationships that they don't feel able to escape from.

Saying that there is no reason for someone to not end it and people can escape abuse is insulting to those who are enduring it. The fact that you don't understand why someone would feel unable to end an abusive relationship speaks volumes about your lack of knowledge of such relationships.

Please don't ever, ever assume that someone is not in an abusive relationship because you don't understand what would stop them ending it or because they tell you that they are happy.

The O ly thing op is just get on with your life and leave the door open to your DS.There's nothing else to do really.

OP I have not read the thread but I can identify with you. My sister in law treated my mum like garbage from the day she met her. Her sole goal from the beginning was to separate my brother from his family as we were too close. She told a mutual friend of mine (she did not know I knew her) that he was disgustingly stupid over his family, kissing them and spending christmas with them so she would have to sort it. She did and I have not seen my brother for 8 years now. He phones my parents on special occasions to remind them of his kids birthdays etc and sends cards but that is it. We were a very close family it is true and we have no idea why she is like this. I fear you need to just accept you have lost your son, be polite when you do see them but some people are just horrible and fucked up, there is no dealing with them. My sis in law has cheated twice on my brother (we still have mutual friends) and he has blamed it on himself every time so she just does not know how to treat people kindly I think. I console myself with the fact this person who is so different from the boy I grew up with is not my brother I regard that person as dead and I have mourned for him. I am sorry and I hope you have better luck with your son.

If DIL was that bad, there's not much of a reason why DS couldn't say, if unhappy, sorry it's over

People stay in less than optimal and downright uncomfortable realtionships all the time.

Sometimes it is habit. Can be fear of change. Worries about the practical aspects like costs and splitting of shared possessions that will have to be replaced. Concerns about what others might think. Inner fears of never finding anybody else cos self esteem has taken a bit of a hit over the years. The fallacy of sunk investment investment. A rather optimistic hope things will change and go back to how nice it all was back in the beginning. The belief that love can overcome everything. The energy of getting through the day, what with work and then managing the egg shell walk at home leaving little energy left over to even consider trying to manage the fall out of leaving.

it doesn't have to reach the bar of being an abusive realtionship. It can just be one that proffers little in terms of contentment and is as comfortable as a sofa that isn't aging well under the nice cushion covers.

People staying too long when a realtionship is well past its Sell By date is pretty common. There are lots and lots of reasons why.

Which is part of the reason why I think the Dutch sex ed programme is so good. It's called Long Live Love (well worth a google if you want some ideas as per how to approach that kind of input with your kids) and from quite a young age it encourages young people to set a high bar for the emotionally healthy, nurturing, supportive and mutually respectful aspects they expect from a relationship.

Something like that being adopted in other counties can only be a good thing IMO. Cos an awful lot of people set far too low a bar. Not on purpose. It just creeps up on them over time and they don't stop to overtly reassess the lay of the land. In part because they've maybe not been formally introduced to the need to do so. Nor given the tools to set about measuring where their relationship might fail to meet a reasonable bare minimum.

I have just read the entire thread in one go. I wasn't going to reply but just had to, to say that Olive and Fairytale astound me with their ability to make up fanciful, fictitious accounts of the OP's situation in order to justify their nasty comments.

To me crying is very manipulative.

That's rather harsh! I don't think crying because you're upset is manipulative at all, and the OP was clear that she'd rather but hadn't happened. Many of us find tears coming sometimes when we'd very much rather they didn't.
However, I think the OP should let that incident go, she can't prove the DIL deliberately snubbed her to her DS, and in terms of work managers, for them it was a trivial issue which had no bearing on anyone's work. They will not want to intervene, and will expect the OP to manage the social situation herself (and as they rarely meet at work, that should be quite straight forward).

I read somewhere that people take 6 attempts or 12 years on average to leave an abusive relationship.

And a classic sign of an abusive partner is detaching the person from their family and friends.

Hmm my first reaction was to say have it out with her, but on reflection I believe this would alienate your ds.
So.. my thoughts are that you are incredibly nice and kind and welcoming to her (whenever/if you are ever!) in her presence (I'm sure you are this way anyway) and be sure to do this in front of ds as well so he sees and knows the truth. In response to the text I wonder could you pop round to the house with a cake and say oh I'm so glad all is well, you know when I saw you in the office that manager asked me what was wrong there too, make sure ds hears this so he knows that others have witnessed it and think it odd. I think the important thing is your ds sees that you are kind to dil when you see her. You may have to just put up with it unfortunately or face ds alienating you altogether to please dil.
My own mil and I have an up and down relationship, we butt heads a lot but the one thing we do bond over is dh and we both love him so usually that's what keeps our relationship on an even keel. I have had plenty of incidents where she was nice to me in front of dh and a right bitch when he wasn't there. It has taken almost ten years for me to realise that the times when she's horrible, there is something emotional going on, she's worried about something/someone or anxious about something so I guess it is a possibility that it's some kind of anxiety thing that she has going on and you may have to work on the relationship slowly to build trust.

as your manager had noticed i wold say this to your ds

its not in your own head other people are commenting on it and see what he says

she sounds like a snob to me an so do he family

i have nothing in common with my inlaws but still make an effort and try an join in and am always polite

The more I read this thread the more I become concerned about DB and SiL.

They live 200 miles away in same town as her family. Over the years he has lost contact with ALL his pre-SiL friends, only visits me or DM twice a year. We are Never invited to stay with them. His whole life revolves around her and her family

Always thought it was DB being spineless but more I think about it the more I do wonder about EA. He always seems on tenterhooks with her when we do get to see them. She can be really nasty to him at the best of times, lots of snippy undermining comments. But OMG when she has a drink she is vile. Full on nasty to him (in front of me!) and he just takes it.

I dread to think what goes on behind close doors. And I do wonder what threats she's made about the DCs if he's ever mentioned leaving

Too right BertrandRussell!

Packofshunts. You describe classic behaviour of someone in the grip of EA.

Really? A mil and dil dont like each other. Ds sees his mum three times a week.

And you call that abuse? Eh?

Lots of projection here.

I can't decide if the DIL is an abuser or if there's another side to the story.

Either way I'd say op keep your relationship with your son. Be polite to DiL and don't exclude her. One day she might warm to you. I would ask DS alone what was she playing at with the engagement party and what does HE want for the wedding.