Future DIL WWYD

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

I can't believe they way people are turning this round on the op, If you have nightmare MIL's then start your own thread as this is not what this thread is about.

Op, my SIL is exactly the same to my MIL and MIL is bloody lovely, she has alienated BIL from his family as she just favours hers over them.

MIL never see's her biological grandsons on her own or with BIL, Everytime my PIL go to them them to drop off birthday/christmas presents etc, SIL's Mother is ALWAYS there, without fail.

She is just a nasty person imo. My MIL spends more time with my dc who are not biologically hers than she does her own sons dc. I can honestly say she has done not one thing wrong to deserve this treatment.

Everything I've posted is the truth. Seeing as sharing your experiences isn't welcomed, the simple answer is talk to your son, ask if DIL is abusing him in any way, say you're not happy with the situation. Sorted.

OP, I've read through this thread over the past couple of days and you could be describing the difficulties my DM had with my SIL. When DB got together with her, she just wasn't interested. She declined all invitations to family events with one excuse or another, she made it obvious she didn't want to spend time with any of us, and DM, like you, spent years trying to work out what she could have done (DM is v welcoming to any visitor).

It turned out that there were a number of reasons for this, but primarily, they were just very, very different people. SIL hated school and left at the first opportunity. DM was a teacher, so SIL got it into her head she was being 'looked down on' (she wasn't). SIL's family swear and drink a lot. DM & DF do not swear and they hardly ever drink, even at Christmas. So SIL felt uncomfortable and bored at our family dos. On top of that, I think DM had imagined a relationship where she and SIL would be close and go for coffee regularly, but SIL and she didn't really have enough in common to make this likely. But this in itself was a bit weird because DM never had this with her own MIL.

What DB could never admit to DM was that he actually preferred SIL's family bashes to ours (he told me this when we chatted about things). He loves DM, but they are very, very different, and so he feels much more at home with SIL's family than with ours. So the situation also partly arose because DB didn't want to upset DM by being honest about how he saw SIL's family compared to ours.

I suspect you probably have something similar in why things are as they are between you all, and I suspect that it may well be some form of insecurity/uninterest from your DIL at the root of it. But I also suspect your DS is happy with things as they stand and doesn't necessarily think there's an issue.

If it's any consolation, things have improved massively between SIL & us. DM never forced things with SIL, nor confronted her, and things ticked along for a while in that fashion. Then, SIL and DB separated for a while when DN was v small, and during that time we all continued to be friendly to SIL and remained in contact. It was this which persuaded SIL that actually we were not bad people, looking down on her or any of the other things she'd built up in her head. When they got back together, things had changed and she and DM now get on absolutely fine. They'll never be best buddies, and SIL's family will always get first pick of events, but SIL now comes to our family events and enjoys herself, and is pleasant to everyone. So it can change.

In your position, therefore, I'd do what my DM did. Stop over-analysing and worrying about things, and focus on your DS. Don't push a confrontation, keep the invitations coming, and things may well change by themselves over time anyway. And just send a 'thanks for the explanation' type text, not a PA one or one calling her out on things. Rise above it. It's not easy, I know from seeing my DM do it, but it does work. HTH.

I think it basically comes down to whether OP's son is happy enough with the situation or whether he's being coerced/manipulated away from his family.

Either way I guess the only option is to keep the communication there and maintain some sort of relationship with DS

I hate the Mil bashing on here and it's particularly unwelcome on this thread where the OP has been measured and reasonable.

Normal women don't turn mean and crazy when they become mils. Mean mils were like that before. So there will be as many nightmare dils, sisters, daughters etc as there are mils.

If this had just been a post about a difficult person who blanked colleagues at work, summoned her dp by honking the car horn and excluded her in-laws from family gatherings I imagine the responses would have been pretty unanimous.

Pina, I like your post, I thought it might be a class thing, but your explanation is much clearer. I think that sometimes people can be quite rude to cover up feelings of inferiority, a sort of defense mechanism.

I think rather than torturing yourself, ask him to come round ASAP for a chat, say something like, you're aware you've been told there's no issues, but even DIL's boss noticed things weren't right. More than anything as your Mum I want or need to know you're ok, you're no in any adverse situation. Giving him the chance to talk about it is the main thing. I'd imagine it's harder for a man to say he's a victim due to the belief that's flawed that it hardly ever happens to men.

If he says something of concern you can support him further.

I'm sorry that I was harsh in my posts, I just saw this lynch mob after DIL. I know full well that 'some' MIL would over play things if they had a major change in relationship. Not your fault, but I felt someone had to stick up for the underdog. I'm really sorry for any offence caused.

I hope you can get this sorted and perhaps get a role to play in the wedding.

Op I really feel for you its a horrid horrid situation, like a worst nightmare we all want to get on surely.
However I feel OLIVES post is going to be the most helpful one to you here.

I dont agree with all of her post and I dont feel you have been - or so you say over bearing etc. But the underlying message is to really think how she may feel.

FWIW My Mil has been utterly vile over the 13 years I have been with DH and I have many times tried to go with the flow and repair the relationship but she cant stop herself from undermining me, being rude etc. I think I am at the stage now where I would happily ignore her if I saw her.

One thing to remember no MIL has ever accepted they can be in the wrong - My Mil would be saying the same things about me.

I dont know what the way forward would be, how do his siblings feel, your dh?

thanks, sucue, glad it made sense. It's more complex than a class thing, because DM isn't Hyacinth Bucket, and SIL isn't Vicky Pollard, IYSWIM! But they are just very, very different. There has been a happy outcome for our family, but that's because they both realised that they didn't have to be the same to get on, and neither's way of doing things was 'wrong'. Once that was resolved, they were able to look at the things they actually liked about each other and focus on those, rather than where they differed. It didn't happen overnight, but the have found a way to make it work. SIL even said to me on the phone recently 'Your DM is so lovely' which would never have happened in the early years.

Everything I've posted is the truth

Indeed Fairy but it is YOUR truth. You keep trying to make it OP's truth. Sharing your experience is welcome (well, by me anyway) but it is so unfair to expect other people to judge OP by this yardstick.

Does that make any kind of sense?

"A girl shares with her mum and they are 'supportive' and 'close'"

Not if Mum gets more time than her partner.

My brother and wife used to live with my parents many moons ago while I was still living at home, as her parents had kicked her out due to being pregnant at 17. Charming!

Sil still spent every waking moment with her mother, while my mum worked full time and shopped, cleaned and cooked for them both without any help from either of them.

I'll never forget seeing SiL come home with some apples from her parents garden and race upstairs with them rather than share. They paid no rent either. My brother was weak as well, anything to keep her sweet.

I'm not of the MIL bashing brigade. No way! I've spoken against it before on here. Though the constant calling in to the son's previous home does remind me of how hurt my mother felt, doing everything for them and yet still they only turned up to be fed of an evening.

I was simply suggesting that Pink try gently to dissuade her son from visiting quite so frequently, e.g don't always be home. After 10 years he shouldn't need to constantly borrow stuff from the family home. There is a time to cut ties.

I still have 7 pages to read.

Bearing that in mind, I'm wondering how often Dil tb sees her mother and what does Pink's husband think of the situation?

"One thing to remember no MIL has ever accepted they can be in the wrong "

What a bizarre statement!

One thing to remember no MIL has ever accepted they can be in the wrong - My Mil would be saying the same things about me

So with this, are you admitting that no DiL has ever accepted she can be in the wrong

Absolutely with Betrand...this assertion is just bizarre. What on EARTH do you mean by it?

One thing to remember no MIL has ever accepted they can be in the wrong

Total bollocks.

Do you believe that some kind of MIL gene is going to activate inside of your formally quite reasonable self when your children find a partner, and suddenly turn you into somebody incaperble of admitting you've made a mistake ?

Online

Hello

I have not read all of this, but I wondered whether she really didn't see you OP. I think in this case, there is a wider issue you feel anyway, but wanted to raise it as a possibility.

I really struggle to recognise people, I am not very good with faces, especially out of context. I recognise people from hairstyles, voices and things put together as clues and don't recognise people if I see them somewhere unexpected.

I never really got along with my ex's family, they are nice people, but very different from me. I was once accused of blanking one of them, but I genuinely hadn't seen them. I think they thought I was stuck up, but I was young and shy and liked to be out doing things not sitting around talking, found it tiring and claustrophobic. I was never rude intentionally, but maybe it came across that way?

I don't think this is the same from OP's story, but it may not be clear cut.

I think diagnosing the DIL with prosopagnosia over the Internet is trying just a little too hard.

This is my SIL you are describing.

:-(

EdBalls - it is pretty much fact, those are my experiences. The bouquet thing might not have been her, but when you're thinking dreamy teardrop bouquet, you're not thinking weeds, I want weeds. I could tell you deliberate stuff MIL did that made me really ill. She didn't use one thing I'm allergic too, she used everything.

FWIW I've apologised OP can do with that what she wants.

"Not your fault, but I felt someone had to stick up for the underdog."

Yeah, because whatever she does, the dil is always the underdog.........

As others noted, the posts by, er, what was it, gara something? a while back were very illuminating. There was someone who was not afraid, proud even, to state that she didn't like her mil, and had no reason to except that she was a dull old woman and that seeing the in-laws was a boring waste of time.

We all gasped and thought what an awful person she must be. But there you have it. Some people are just not polite or kind. They even think it admirable that they won't indulge in small talk or suffer a person's company that they don't much like.

Sil is like this with me. I am quite positive I have never done anything to offend her in over 20 years of acquaintance, but it is clear she finds me boring and not her type of person. She actively avoids sitting near me at dh's family events. We have not been invited to their house for ten years although she is reputedly a great hostess. The thing is, probably like the OP, it makes me sort of twittery and I start stuttering and trying too hard to be friendly and turning into Mavis from Coronation St to her Rita (if anyone's memory is that long!).

I don't like my mil very much. We have nothing in common at all -we are different generations, different educations, different social classes, different interests, different politics. And we have no blood tie. But dp and the DC love her. She is a good mum and a lovely granny. So all she and I need to do is be cordial to each other while they get on with their separate relationships. Ther relationships are nothing to do with me. I have never felt the need to dictate or mediate.They get on with it. She and I can chat over a cup of tea when required.

@cuckooplusone

he coleague/manager noticed the ignorance so its not just in op's head

she state this in her op

My ex sil, it was as simple as she was content with her family and DB did whatever it took to make her happy. Unfortunately by the time they split he had no one in his life that was not connected to her and my DPs had died. 10 years of quick visits to DPs followed by 5 years of cards only it has been difficult for him to re establish old relationships as he is not the same person and plenty of anger in his treatment of DPs we are in contact with him but it is not easy.

Son is stopping by 3 times a week when he takes his partner home after her work. Wrong. Keep going, to cook or a take away. Ignore parent's house. Drive past.

He also keeps calling to borrow or return stuff. Just an excuse. After 10 years he should have his own things.

Her tooting the car horn, extra wrong and shows her lack of social skills. But as a MIL I would at least go to the car and ask DiL how her day has been. Especially as they both work in the same field. Chat and offer to remove him as you know she's had a hard day.

I'm no MiL basher, but I see faults here. Least of all no mention of how Dad feels. Maybe sits behind his newspaper and hopes it will go away.

I see both sides here. Mum and son don't want to let go. Future dil is intimidated for whatever reason. Though I guess it's the parent/son bond plus some inverse snobbery.

Lest I preach, I'm not getting it right either Pink. It's a hard road even with adult children.