Future DIL WWYD

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

Yes I've noticed there's no mention of how OPs dh feels.
Or other family members.

"He also keeps calling to borrow or return stuff. Just an excuse. After 10 years he should have his own things."
That's a really good point HeeHighls. It is an excuse. He must know his wife doesn't want him to do this - otherwise why stay in the car and blow the horn to hurry him out? I wonder if this is his way of (badly) trying to encourage her to engage with his parents? 'We'll just be 5 minutes, I need to borrow x. Why don't you come in with me?' ANd he's been doing it for 10 years. Persistent, I'll give him that. But, if it hasn't worked in all that time, it's not ever going to work. It well might be a factor in her digging in her heels.

Or he could be calling at his mother's house because he is desperately unhappy and doesn't know who/how to tell?

Or he could be popping in to see his mum...LIKE YOU DO.

No, there'll be something sinister behind it. The OP must be a bad 'un because, well, you can just tell.

Oh, nonsense, Pictish. Men aren't allowed to have relationships with their mothers! They need to "cut the apron strings" and pay proper undivided attention to "their own little family".....

Oh that bilge gives me the gip.

It sounds like he's dropping in to maintain a relationship with his family that he can't, due to his partner, have by normal means.

If your ds is being abused you would definitely no for certain by now. But you say previously that she seems to make him happy so I don't see any reason to suspect abuse. I don't think you need to talk to ds about it as pp's have suggested I honestly think you should go directly to her.
Go round with a bottle of wine, phone her , write her letter. However you feel best to get your feelings across. As I said before I don't get on with my mil. If she spoke to ds about rekindling a relationship with me I doubt he would even tell me out of fear it would cause more arguments and upset and make it difficult for him. He probably feels it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.
If you're serious about getting to the bottom of this your gonna have to break a fair few eggs.
Sometimes I really believe that my mil honestly really believes she hasn't done anything wrong and it's all me. She really does believe her own lies I know this because of lies she told me about her other dil. If she was to say write me a letter asking why I don't talk to her and she feels like she hasn't done anything wrong I wouldn't be able to help myself writing a massive list back to her.
Perhaps there is stuff she's always wanted to have out with you but your ds has asked her to leave it to keep the peace and she's agreed to leave it but can't bring herself to be nice to you because of something that is bubbling under. Let us know what you decide to do and how it goes

I'm sorry that the thread seems to have dissolved into some kind of DIL vs MIL bashing and that was never my intention. I can honestly say that I have never slagged her off in real life so would not resort to that on an anonymous forum even where it would be very easy to do the 'poor poor MIL with a nasty DIL scenario, but as I have previously said, I am sure that she is a lovely girl, who makes DS happy and it is just us that she has a problem with. He calls after HE finishes work SOMETIMES, as she finishes work later than him, which I why I said that I don't think she is aware that he calls round. On 2 occasions she has been in the car and the 1st time I wasn't aware that she was there till DS said they were just on the way to the shops after I'd asked after her and the 2nd time was when she beeped the horn after a few minutes. My DH does have an opinion that obviously he has shared with us and no one else and that is that she is a spoiled, rude princess that (in his opinion) feels like she has rescued DS from his horrible family and DDs, after being treated in much the same way for years, actually just want to punch her, but of course would never, ever do that and so we keep on trying to maintain the welcome.
I should have been clearer in that they have been together for 10 years, however have only recently bought a house together, that they are making a fantastic job of doing up and why buy power tools etc when you can borrow dads, not my suggestion but DS's. They are in their late 20's, but DS hasn't lived at home since he was 18, I'm trying not to give his profession away, but he lived away from home until he was sent more locally. I'm not sure who posted and assumed that they would be attacked for having a different opinion than mine and that I would disagree with the post, I certainly wouldn't attack someone, but you were right in that I will disagree with your post as it isn't accurate! I posted originally in order to ask how to respond to a text containing an explanation to a situation, but that explanation was simply not what happened. The visit to that department on that day was not engineered by me, nor something that I could avoid and had I not been asked, however discreetly, I wouldn't have ended up crying. If the same situation had occurred with someone who did not know of the relationship with ds, then I would have still been embarrassed on the inside iyswim, but able to shrug it off.
To answer the post expecting the next instalment about the wedding, with me complaining about xyz, of course I would like to help, he is my ds and the 1st of my children to get married, but I don't expect or feel even slightly entitled to have an input, I have offered in what ever capacity THEY would like and it has been refused and yes I'm sad. I would dearly like nothing other than to be caught up with the delight and excitement of your child's wedding, that does not mean I expect to have a SAY, I want them to have the wedding of their dreams, not mine. I won't respond to the text, but will ring her directly and ask if we could meet up for coffee, if she agrees and I hope she does, it won't be to fling accusations or go over things that have happened, but rather to see if we can get along in anyway that she is comfortable with and if she doesn't want to do that then that will be ok as well. I will then be able to accept that neither/ or both of us are to blame and it is what it is. Thank you for the replies everyone.

Send someone round to take the fuse out the car horn...that'll learn her. (Lighthearted)

Thinkingblonde... I have contemplated dragging her out of the car and subjecting her to water torture in order to extract the information out of her or pulling her fingernails out with the pliers( yet to be returned) !!!
Also VERY light hearted

So DIL thinks that she & her family are better than you? Is that the gist of it?

I think maybe write her a letter saying as your family have welcomed DS into your family, we really want to do the same with you ASAP. You're getting married to our son/brother, guessing that children may be on the cards, we have realised that we've never really spoke to you and would like to get to know you better. If you & DS can give dates you are free, we'll organise something and go from there. Hope you have a fabulous Easter.

In fairness on the car thing I will say I've sat in the car whilst DH has popped into his parents, only for him to return 20 mins later . The anger is at DH there. I have never beeped the horn though, mainly because its rude to ILs neighbours, and only stayed in the car because decamping the DC would mean staying there for an hour or so and we needed to go elsewhere.

Having said that I normally do enter my ILs house and have conversations with them - except for the early circumstances I mentioned.

Yet again OP you sound reasonable and your plan of next steps sounds sensible.

Your offer of an olive branch might end up trampled into the ground but it's worth giving it a go. Whatever happens be frank but not pushy with your DS in the hope of keeping communication with him open.

Good luck.

I definitely wouldn't phone her or ask her out for coffee. You know what the answer will be.

When you get the chance, just speak to your son. Don't ask questions about her. Explain, briefly, how sad you are that she visibly dislikes his family. This is a fact as commented on by others, not just your opinion. Then check that he's happy and tell him you will always be there for him, any future children and her (if she ever decides she wants to be civil).

I'd state all of this fairly quickly and plainly then move the conversation on. Trying to get answers out of him hasn't worked in the past, so leaving him to think about things might work better. I'd try to have this conversation when his dad and sisters are also present, so everyone can nod agreement. He can understand that's what you all feel and see.

Really feel for you

Agree with Mango
She has been very clear in her behaviour that she wants to be left alone.

Also if she ignores you a1st time, don't go up to her 2 more times, just ignore her too. If someone asks, just say you keep professional and private life separate.

Pennypink
My niece's ex used to sit in the car and beep the bloody car horn whenever she babysat for us and he'd come to pick her up. It happened every time.
I was fed up with it so I went out to the car and asked if he'd like to come in for a coffee, he refused and said' 'No thanks, I'd rather wait here.'.and he did, for thirty minutes.

So I never bothered to ask again.

I think mango has good advice, except for the having family around thing. It may backfire into a 'your family hate me' scenario. Almost better to let the conversations happen more naturally between each member, all along the 'we're always here for you all' way.

Oh op I really feel for you. Me and my mum have had fallings out with my sil for the past 10 years or so too, however on occasion we have been able to find out why and it's always been something so ridiculous that if she had just spoken to us in the first place could have been resolved so easily. She has recently removed me and another family member from Facebook and I haven't got a clue why this time, she is still friends with my mum on there but probably begrudgingly, and had blocked us all from seeing pics of my nephews. I have tried talking to my brother many times about it too and it all gets twisted and ends up making things worse, and I'm now at the stage where I just haven't got the energy to even ask what I'm supposed to have done wrong now. I love my brother and my nephews, and would love so much to be able to be a good auntie to them, but sil is only interested in her own family being around them, and we are monsters for even asking them for a cuddle! So have had to just take a step back and unfortunately that has meant not seeing much of them. I would suggest you maybe try and have a coffee with your dil and ds and just say that with the wedding coming up it would mean a lot to you to be able to be involved with a few or the plans, and that you hope you can just put the past behind and concentrate on the future. Sorry for long post, hard to stop when you start ranting hey! You sound lovely by the way, hope you can get this sorted, I know it's heartbreaking x

In the opposite! I love my MIL , although she is very different from me,and went out of my way to make her part of the family, inviting her on holiday (my widowed dad comes too) and for Christmas. She obviously didn't enjoy the holiday, as she told DH not to invite her again! And she won't come for Christmas ever, although I try to be a good hostess, fresh flowers in her room, good food, make her welcome. She is fine when we go to visit, although I get the impression we're not really welcome to stay long. I think she just doesn't really like us Not just me, she isn't close to DH either eg. She never even rememers his birthday. But I've had to come to terms with the fact that that is just the way she is, and live with it. As my own mum is dead I wanted to involve her as granny as much as possible, both for her and the dc, but she is just......distant.
I appreciate this must be harder the other way round, and I feel for you OP. But you can't change people, unfortunately. I don't really know what my MIL dislikes about us, but I suspect it is that we are very sociable and we like to drink wine (a lot of her turbulent relationship with DH's father (deceased) who I got on well with, revolved around him going to the pub) so I can kind of understand, although we are by no means mad party animals!!! Maybe your DIL also has issues which make her unfairly prejudiced against your family?

Pennypinkhair you are a nice lady. Just hang on in there seeing ds when you can. It will come right in the end. One way or another. Don't waste any more time on worrying what you might have inadvertantly done wrong. You have always tried and you keep trying and you are the bigger person for it.

You said you work on the same place, is there a significant difference in your seniority, where she doesn't want to be seen palling around with the staff, or where she might feel inhibited in front of you if you are senior to her, or some other office politics that has bled into this?

Does she think that if she talks civilly to you that you'll be wanting to have girly chats in the canteen every day and she won't be able to have any space.

'I work with my MIL and want to keep some professional distance but I'm too embarrassed to tell her ' might be a reasonable excuse for the behaviour you are seeing.