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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future DIL WWYD

533 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:03

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

OP posts:
ByeByeBadman · 10/04/2017 17:23

2/3 times a week is loads! Do you think she might feel the apron strings haven't been cut?

Iamastonished · 10/04/2017 17:24

So, are you saying that your son visits you secretly? How sad that he can't tell his girlfriend.

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 10/04/2017 17:31

Byebye, it does sound like a lot I realise that, but the reality is he might pop in to borrow something, or return something! It's generally 5 minutes at most and as I said I don't think she knows he calls round, they literally pass my door to get home. The apron strings are well and truly cut, he worked away a lot in his late teens and 20's in order to save to buy a house.

OP posts:
moofolk · 10/04/2017 17:34

Insist DS tells you straight. He must know.

ByeByeBadman · 10/04/2017 17:37

It sounds very difficult but if you catch ds during one of the visits and show him how upset you are, how your colleagues noticed, surely he can tell you what the problem is?

I cannot imagine a family relationship where you see someone so often that you could not have that conversation.

What does your dh think of all of this?

DagenhamRoundhouse · 10/04/2017 17:40

This girl sounds unhinged. I'd leave her to it, frankly. One day your DS will see it too, hopefully before the wedding.

ApocalypseNowt · 10/04/2017 17:55

I'm torn on this one. Taking the OP at face value then DIL (to be) is a rude, social inept cow.

However, I've recently read a thread on granset where there are many many many women all with this same story, all who swear blind they have done nothing wrong, yet their children & partners have cruelly cut them out of their lives.

So....who knows? We won't unless DS tells OP or DIL pops up on her to give her side.

pollymere · 10/04/2017 17:55

I know it might sound weird but maybe she's not a people person? An ex bfs mother once told me after we'd broken up that she always found it difficult to talk to me. I wasn't deliberately stand offish, I genuinely found myself unable to call her by her first name (my Dad had the same problem with his ILs for thirty years!) and conversation was always awkward as I never knew what to say. You sound like a very confident (and welcoming) lady but I'd be in awe of you and probably make excuses not to be at events. I'm terrible with my own extended family and will often sit at family events not talking to them! My own MIL and I have never truly taken to each other which is a relief for me, although the issue is with her. Maybe try to get to know her in a sympathetic fashion, several attempts for a quiet coffee might do it, or go to a movie (very little talking until after and then you can discuss the film!) My dad was desperately shy with everyone and I'm not shy, more awkward about what to say and sometimes people think they've offended me. Give her a chance (although she may just be a selfish self obsessed bitch)...

Tess123 · 10/04/2017 17:56

Don't reply to the text. There's nothing worse than to be left hanging by text, and she deserves it. Play her at her own game, don't initiate contact and be cool when they do. Eventually, your son will ask what's wrong. Tell him, and tell him you know he was well aware of her behaviour and chose to ignore it. And, if he never asks, continue being cool. Eventually, you'll earn her respect, if nothing else.

Iamastonished · 10/04/2017 17:58

My background is sales and marketing. I have spent a lifetime being nice to people I don't necessarily like. But it has paid dividends many times over. It isn't rocket science to work out that if you are nice to people they are usually nice back (Pennypinkhair's future DIL excepted).

I usually manage to find some redeeming qualities in people who don't appear likeable at first sight, and given people a second chance. And I am so glad I did.

I am not two faced, just polite. As a result being nice to customers and suppliers has meant that in over 30 years of working in the same industry I have been head hunted three times and only had one proper job interview since 1981 - because all the other jobs were handed to me on a plate.

It doesn't cost anything to be civil, and I don't understand why an NT person doesn't get this.

M0nica · 10/04/2017 18:01

Sorry for what youre going through, its a fear I have with my sons Sad
Let us know how it works out

Madwoman5 · 10/04/2017 18:02

What sort of person organises a one family engagement party? Surely the whole point is to bring the families and friends together? Is she intending to have two weddings? Ffs, she needs to grow up. My reaction to the office incident and text would be to say in front of ds, "you didn't see me the four times you looked across and even when I waved? Wow. Perhaps you need to have your eyes tested as I was only two feet away from you! (Concern). " next step, tell ds how upset you are that she clearly feels she cannot have a relationship with his family and that is so sad. Then in front of the two of them, ask to meet her parents before the wedding or contact them directly without her knowing to arrange an informal meal or bbq without them. Create your own relationship with her parents. Maybe they will see how you are first hand. They may do the job for you. Imagine what it will be like when kids come along. Nightmare. Stop apologising for existing too. You are her fiancee's parents and manners cost nothing.

FeralBeryl · 10/04/2017 18:18

The 2-3 times a week is a red herring though. I'm at my DMs house most days at least once
DH doesn't necessarily know. I'll pop in to use the toilet/steal nice biscuits/have a cuppa Grin there is no actual formal purpose to my visits. But then DH will sneak in there too if he's passing as he gets spoilt far more there.

bbismad · 10/04/2017 18:25

Firstly my own MIL thinks she's been nothing but welcoming and kind to me...couldn't be further from the truth. We all perceive things differently.

Secondly, I sometimes miss people, that when they pointed it out I can't believe I missed. You could have said, 'hello'. She couldn't have missed you then.

3 As others have said, don't have the conversation over text. Arrange to meet and talk it through...people are rarely that rude, for that period of time for no reason.

HeeHighls · 10/04/2017 18:25

sucue

I'm probably barking up the wrong tree here, but is this a class thing? Does she think you're 'middle class',
......................................
This is my take as well on the situation. Inverse snobbery. But multi layered.

Lack of social skills, hence her family huddled together at the restaurant table. And BTW, OP's son should have seated his parents to be included.

Inverse snobbery takes many forms. It rarely has anything to do with money.

A Lottery winner for instance is lauded. Head of ASDA is a fat cat. Even though he started life as a shelf stacker.

Inverse snobbery might simply be saying "Good Morning" rather than "awite then" as it is here. To say "Good Morning" here invites a remark that you are "Stuck up"

I'd give up on her, except, .....

I'd stop the calling in 3 times a week. Why does he do it? She works 3 days a week and every time he calls in to yours. Why?

Once in three weeks would be more normal.

Time to cut those apron strings and leave your son alone with his wife.

Apart from her lack of social skills, maybe she's resentful of him being around you all the time. He left home for her. Let him go.

Stand back and tell him not to call in but concentrate on his wife.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 10/04/2017 18:26

Did you send that text OP?

dustarr73 · 10/04/2017 18:28

bbismad that's grand but if the file actually talked to the op,it could be avoided.Plus as i said earlier if someone else noticed it it must be serious.

JayneW63 · 10/04/2017 18:40

Oh my we've got one of those , strange girl, she even managed to ignore us when she had to move in with us for two months. And inverse snobbery hadn't entered my head.
It's a step son, and I'm dragging his dad to the wedding . Yes it will be expensive, and DS's mum is struggling to get there, but I'm not having that lad saying his dad didn't go to his wedding.

muckypup73 · 10/04/2017 18:47

Some woman are just plain nasty, just leave her to it and just be there for your son, my son once met someone that was poison, she turned him against all his friends and all his family, he eventually left the witch thank god!

HeeHighls · 10/04/2017 18:55

" I know that 2 or 3 times a week seems a lot but to clarify this isn't every week and he's certainly not expected to visit."
He's mummy's boy though, not a husband. He has to decide which.

Had you said he drops by 2 or 3 times a week in your OP. Responses would have been very different. No wonder after working all day she's impatient to get home, so would I be.

Though I hate horn tooting for any reason. (Except when the emergency services give a little toot to say thanks, I'm always grateful for that.)

Cut him loose. He's her husband first and your son last now.

packofshunts · 10/04/2017 18:56

She sounds like a diluted version of my SiL. V manipulative and controlling towards spineless DB.

Has gradually eroded any relationship
DB had with his own family Sad

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/04/2017 19:00

I'm sooooo looking forward to the next 'my MiL is a cow' thread, and reading all the posts which say 'Ah, but we only have one side of the story. OP must have done something.'

But I'm really not holding my breath.

BunnyChickChocolateEgg · 10/04/2017 19:01

I think you may have to accept, that for whatever reason, she's just not going to be friendly, ever. You said she's 'coldly polite' when you're there, so I'd just live with that, and stop caring if she likes you, or why she doesn't - it's her issue, and not your problem.
If you've tried to sort out the reason before and it hasn't worked, and you do see your son often, I'd personally live with it.

I would be very wary of the advice you're getting to tell your son she was rude at work, or insist he sorts it all out; they have been together for a while, this isn't a passing infatuation, and for whatever reason, he is clearly fond of her - demanding that he back you up against her may not end at all well. The most common advice on here, if there is conflict with PIL (or PIL-to-be), is that you should always, always back up your OH, and if your son is a good fiance, he will do just that if you push him hard (even if he thinks she is sometimes a little chilly with you).
Things may well improve if and when they have DCs - they may be very glad of some babysitting, but I really think you should be polite back to her cold polite, talk to the more friendly people when you all get together after trying one enquiry as to how she is, and work around her to enjoy the rest of your family.

Moussemoose · 10/04/2017 19:05

HeeHighls
He's mummy's boy though, not a husband. He has to decide which

No he really doesn't! Mummy's boy as an insult drives me mad! A girl shares with her mum and they are 'supportive' and 'close'. A man who talks to his mum is a ' mummy's boy'. And that is one of the main reasons many men are emotionally crap. Who can they talk to? Their mates - no way! Their dad's - often more emotionally closed down than they are. Talk to your mum - you are weak and soft. FFS!

Sweets101 · 10/04/2017 19:10

He's mummy's boy though, not a husband. He has to decide which
You don't have to choose between being a son and a husband. He is both. That's a really odd stance to take.
Being a husband and a son is no different to being a husband and a brother, or a husband and a father, perfectly do-able.
The roles of mum and wife are worlds apart, as are son and husband.