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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future DIL WWYD

533 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:03

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 10/04/2017 13:14

HI Op,
You might find the following book helpful. It is 'My Bonnie' by John Suchet (newsreader, advocate for the Dementia Society). His first wife refused to allow him any contact with his own family or friends. She insisted he cut them out of his life. She threatened that if they split she would not allow him contact with his children. When they eventually split up, his second wife Bonnie encouraged him to reestablish his relationship with his family. Bonnie eventually died of dementia and John Suchet now lives in the same block of flats as his brother (actor David) and his wife. John credits Bonnie as helping him find his own family again and is so pleased that she was able to know his parents, brother, nephews and nieces before she died.
Not surprisingly, his children as adults sided with John Suchet. His wife was emotionally abusive to them as well. He looks back with some horror now that he allowed himself and his family to be so abused by his toxic, controlling first wife.
The book is mostly about his love for Bonnie as they cope with her progressive dementia but it does give real insight to the emotionally abusive behaviour used by some women to control their husbands.

loveka · 10/04/2017 13:15

Can you say to her "please can we start again?" and then be open and honest about how you feel? Just total honesty? It may encourage her to be honest back.

ByeByeBadman · 10/04/2017 13:25

I agree with Shameful.
To my mil I make minimal effort, the fact that their ds doesn't make much effort to see them is my fault and I keep the grandkids from them.

My pov is that having been used as a bridge between dh and them (they've never been close) for years , once they told dh to leave me when I was seriously ill, and twisted my dc against me during this time, I was no longer prepared to be rhe bridge.

So, im civil and pleasant but that's it. Dh makes the arrangements with his family, sends cards. They see the dc but not without us.

But I know her friends think im a nasty bitch who has divided the family.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 10/04/2017 13:33

I'd be interested to hear the story from the dil's point of view because "she's a bitch" is just a bit too simple.

But in your own experience Elbows (which is awful and I feel for you, genuinely) you have seen that this is not necessarily the case. By your own account, your SiL was being a bitch without any good reason. Why are you so doubtful that this could be the same with OP's DiL (with all the usual caveats that we are only getting one side of the story...)

LucilleBluth · 10/04/2017 13:39

I'm seeing a LOT of posters projecting their own bad relationships with their PILs onto the OP.

There is nothing to suggest that the op is wrong and everything to suggest the dil is a bit of a twat.....I'm a staunch feminist but to not admit that women are capable of being controlling and that men can be emotionally abused is wrong. Reverse the genders on this thread and there wouldn't be so many 'I can see both sides' posts.

TailEndCharlie · 10/04/2017 13:39

I have to say my MIL thinks I am the devil DIL from hell. I don't have a problem with her and aren't rude even though she writes horrible emails to my DH about how badly I treat them. I don't I promise, I am beyond accommodating when they come and stay and do try. It is just my MIL has a horrible relationship with DH. If I were to foster any type of relationship with her it would feel like betrayal to DH. Until she has a better relationship with MIL I don't want to get involved. At the moment all I see in MIL is a woman who is horrible to my DH. And I cant get passed that. You need to ensure your relationship with DS is actually as good as you think. She may just be tactfully staying out of things.

Timeforteaplease · 10/04/2017 13:40

To my mil I make minimal effort, the fact that their ds doesn't make much effort to see them is my fault and I keep the grandkids from them.
This is such a recurring theme. PILs often expect the DIL to do all the work with respect to keeping in touch. When DIL declines to act as a social secretary for her DH (presumably because she is married to an adult capable of doing this for himself) then she is the one who is blamed for the lack of contact. DH is still amazing, can do no wrong. DIL is a horror because she won't buckle down and do women's work.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 10/04/2017 13:40

I find your DS's behaviour odd in all this. Are you certain he hasn't bad mouthed you to her?
I don't get on with my Mil. She's very interfering. But I maintain a polite relationship because she loves her DS and grandson

SirVixofVixHall · 10/04/2017 13:42

I disagree that there are "always two sides". Sometimes, yes-( My MIL felt that I stopped DH visiting as much as before, whereas in fact DH stopped staying at home with me because his father had been sexually inappropriate with me, and we didn't know how to say this to MIL). However in my 20s I had a boyfriend who did everything he could to isolate me from my family, and made it very difficult for me to see my parents as much as I had, my Mum had never been anything other than polite and welcoming to him, he was just an absolute shit of a man.
So the future DIL in this case may have reasons for her behaviour that are understandable, or she may just be a horrible person. Certainly OP to me you sound so considerate and caring that I am strongly leaning towards the latter.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 10/04/2017 13:45

I'm seeing a LOT of posters projecting their own bad relationships with their PILs onto the OP.

Oh YESSSSS!!!!!!!

FeralBeryl · 10/04/2017 14:29

I'm seeing a LOT of posters projecting their own bad relationships with their PILs onto the OP.

I'm seeing posters (myself included) trying to offer suggestions as to why the DIL may be acting like a cock.
My MIL is very PA in her criticisms, a lot of the time she wouldn't even see them as criticisms. I do.
If I didn't care about DH or the children maintaining a relationship, I wouldn't be nearly as accommodating.

nauticant · 10/04/2017 14:31

There's no way you can win this one OP. About the only productive thing you can do is to be ultra-reasonable at all times so that anyone looking on, like your son, is able to see that you're not the problem.

While I see the point of doing nothing, that's a bit too much doormat for me. I would explain to your son what happened at work and that it was noticed that she blanked you. I would then explain that the text she sent is not truthful. I would then say that it is the end of that particular matter as far as I'm concerned but I wanted the chance to provide the real story.

ByeByeBadman · 10/04/2017 14:35

Well said timefortea .

Batgirlspants · 10/04/2017 14:42

Thank goddess my dils are so lovely. Op if this was a role reversal and you were writing that your dd was being isolated and controlled by her partner you wouldn't be getting any 2 sides just the one.

I would go round to their house unannounced and tell them both this situation is untenable and basically what's going on. You have no heed to pussy foot around but have a straight talk.

This will drive you mad otherwise.

BeachysSandyFlipflops · 10/04/2017 14:54

I can see she makes my son happy and I am glad, it's just sad that it is at the expense of his family.

But it's not at the expense of his family.....you see him 2-3 times a week Confused

shovetheholly · 10/04/2017 15:07

"There is nothing to suggest that the op is wrong and everything to suggest the dil is a bit of a twat.."

Apart from the opening sentence of the post, which is - to say the least - suggestive. Wink

CMamaof4 · 10/04/2017 15:16

You see your son 2-3 days a week! I have got to say that is alot of contact, Why does she need to be around you constantly? I would feel suffocated with that much contact a week myself so I'm not surprised she isn't there all the time, I really think you are picking at her, trying to find fault. Its been 10 years, I'm sure if you saw someone that much over 10 years you could pick up many instances of fault if you wanted to, She's never been actively nasty said anything horrible to your face, I actually feel quite sorry for her since your last post, I can see why she doesn't always acknowledge your practically part of the furniture you see him so much.

PopTheDragon · 10/04/2017 15:25

I don't think gammar is being unreasonable at all actually. It's pretty much the same situ with my IL's.

PIL are nice enough people but I don't agree with their parenting. They drop DH and pick him up again when they feel like it, only call when they want or need something. I've now stopped having any relationship with them as I won't allow them to treat my dc's like this. They like to show off as being the perfect grandparents with pictures etc but in real life they go weeks/months without calling just to see how they are.

If DH wants to see them or speak to them then off he goes. I won't stop him but I won't tell him to do it either. It's up to him to keep in contact.

Go round and have it out with them if you want OP but you may not like the answer or the end result. I think blaming you DIL is wrong, your son knows exactly what's going on and doesn't seem to care. There lies your issue

user1483705947 · 10/04/2017 16:00

Your son pops in 2 to 3 times a week? Christ, why?! I think she probably finds you as a family overbearing. Even if this is of his own choice (to pop in and see you that often) it'd really irritate me. They should have their own lives.

All a bit complicated I think without hearing the other side to the story.

MyStomachHurts · 10/04/2017 16:09

I was going to say that I find this unfounded rudeness hard to believe. That only half a story was being told. Nobody would be that disgustingly rude and cold to a parent of someone they love for absolutely no reason.

But then gamma came along and put that theory to bed.

Not much advice to give really. As long as you have a good relationship with your Son then I would leave her be.
The real problems will arise when she wont let you see your grandchildren or poison them against you

mrsmuddlepies · 10/04/2017 16:10

"All a bit complicated I think without hearing the other side to the story"
Should this apply to all threads on AIBU or just ones featuring a MIL?

dustarr73 · 10/04/2017 16:23

Op i believe you after all you have an outside witness.If the manager thinks she's rude, then she's rude.Even if she didn't like you she could still say hello when other people are there.

Nicole69 · 10/04/2017 16:44

gamma Don't you feel you're depriving your children of a relationship with their grandma?

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 10/04/2017 17:05

Sorry I've been at work. I know that 2 or 3 times a week seems a lot but to clarify this isn't every week and he's certainly not expected to visit. I'm sorry if she finds this irritating but the reality is I don't think she knows and what would I say ... don't come ? I really didn't start this thread in order to have DIL slated, but to try to understand if there was something that I could do to sort things out for all of us. I don't expect her to be my best friend, or another daughter, but really just be civil. Im not involved in wedding plans, I offered in a let me know if you need anything, I'm happy to help way, but have been told it's fine DIL and her mum have it all sorted. I am worried about GC, do I offer to babysit? I suspect I won't see them very often despite being close geographically. I do think that DS has to shoulder a lot of the blame and excuses will no longer work. Thanks for the replies as i feel better for getting others opinions and perspectives.

OP posts:
derxa · 10/04/2017 17:20

Oh bless you Penny It all sounds bloody awful.

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