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AIBU?

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Original poster

Future DIL WWYD

533 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:03

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

OP posts:
Stripeyblanket · 10/04/2017 19:13

This sounds horrible. My DH's family really bug me at times and I mean really but I just figured that was part of being a family. They have their opinions and I have mine.

I wouldn't say that I dislike any of them though. I'm very fond of them. MIL gets an attack of the green eyed monster from time to time, over really petty things, but after ten years, I've just come to the conclusion that's just how she is. There is no animosity and it's pretty much sorted as soon as it's said.

I'd initially pull your son to one side and ask him if he's noticed it and thinks her behaviour is acceptable. I also find putting my DH in the shoes of whatever is going on helps him think of it from another POV "how would you feel if her mum was treating you the way she's treating me?" Etc
Once you have your son's POV then talk to her, call her out and just ask what her problem is.

I'd be very wary that she might be controlling your son. The fact that she behaves like this, when nothing has taken place to suggest why, would be ringing alarm bells for me and may suggest emotional abuse/controlling and coercive behaviour towards your son.

If I ever acted like she has towards my in laws, my DH would tell me straight that is was unacceptable and I'd expect him to!

HeeHighls · 10/04/2017 19:16

I agree with Bunny. I wouldn't mention the work thing, not only as it implicates the manager.

I would somehow stop the visits. That would do my head in as well.

sucue · 10/04/2017 19:20

He visits several times a week for a few minutes because it's his way of staying in contact. A longer family visit probably isn't on the cards much, if ever.

HeeHighls · 10/04/2017 19:21

"This girl sounds unhinged. I'd leave her to it, frankly. One day your DS will see it too, hopefully before the wedding.!"

I thought so too. Now I feel the son and mother are odd.

ny20005 · 10/04/2017 19:26

I think you need to sit your son down & speak to him properly about it.

Unfortunately for whatever reason - he's allowed her to continue to behave in this manner towards you all & that's on him

I think it will only get worse with stressful wedding plans & then potentially grandkids

You need to sort it out with him. In mine & dh's family, we both have sil like this & one had ensure ds cut off all contact with his family as threatened she'd leave & take kids away & stop access. Other one only allows contact when it suits her - my nieces & nephews don't know who we are

HeeHighls · 10/04/2017 19:34

No mention as to what OPs DH or siblings feel or how to handle it?
The more I read the more I feel sorry for your DIL.

Tell your son to stop calling in and look after his wife. Then text her what you said to him. I bet she'd appreciate that.

Lovelymess · 10/04/2017 19:45

She sounds an oddball and extremely rude. As she's text you and can't ignore it I would've text or call her back and just ask her outright what the problem is

doublex · 10/04/2017 19:49

By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS.

OP you really should not be bringing this stuff into your future DIL's workplace.

FlyingElbows · 10/04/2017 19:49

Edballs, my Sil (and her sisters) wasn't horrible to me simply because she's a bitch (which she is, a grade a fucking bitch). She was vile to and about me because I offend her. She wanted a nice Irish Catholic working class girl to marry her brother (nice and easily controlled), treat him like it's 1955 and know her place. She got me, middle class, non-Catholic university student. I might as well have been from Mars. I don't fit their norm and they fear and are offended by that. I have never had a proper conversation with any of them, they resented me pretty much the second I opened my mouth. Inverse snobbery and sectarianism is alive and well in the West of Scotland! It's more complicated than anyone just simply being a bitch.

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 10/04/2017 19:55

I haven't replied to the text and it isn't to keep her hanging as I don't suppose she is bothered either way, I've started to reply and just end up deleting it as nothing sounds right, and I feel a bit damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Apocalypsenowt, I wish I knew her side too but as it stands I can only say the facts as I see them. That doesn't mean that I don't appreciate that there are 2 sides and I'm sure she sees thing very differently and I end up constantly putting myself down and wondering what is acceptable to say and whether I've said something I shouldn't have, or looked a certain way. I have analysed every single encounter that I can remember going back 10 years !
MOnica, I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to you.
Madwoman5 regarding the party, we were told that DIL and her mum just wanted to have a bit of a get together with their side to welcome ds into the family and there would be a proper engagement party at a later date and that was absolutely fine. Pictures told a very different story so after a couple of weeks when we asked Ds about the engagement party we were told that DIL felt it was a bit much to have another. We asked if they would like to go for a meal then or something else but was told it didn't matter.
Pollymere I'm really not that confident a person tbh, I'm fairly quiet in manner and perhaps she interprets this as boring, dull, not interested / interesting, but I do have manners and social skills, so would never be intentionally rude.

OP posts:
packofshunts · 10/04/2017 19:59

To exclude you from the engagement party is plain nasty and what was your son thinking?!

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 10/04/2017 20:09

Doublex, sorry but I really didn't bring this to her work place. I was there because I had to be and the senior staff member knows both of us and her relationship to me. I have never mentioned to anyone at work the difficulties, nor have I ever said a bad word against her. It was her behaviour that was actually so bizarre and blatantly rude that it was obvious to the director and to anyone who was nearby. I have no clue how I should have handled it and was totally ashamed and mortified to burst into tears.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 10/04/2017 20:13

Op I have 4 Ds's and they all have OH's, I honestly think that if one of their partners showed any dislike of either myself or DH they would be binned off. In fact one of the ds's had a girlfriend once who said she didn't like his brother, she didn't last long.
Your Ds is facilitating this and his loyalty and love is with her.
You are on a hiding to nothing with your Ds, just deal with him the way she deals with you, he might get some idea just how hurtful her behaviour is.
Is he close to any siblings who could talk to him?

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 10/04/2017 20:14

She has learnt this behaviour from her mother going by your recent post about the engagement party. She is starting as she means to go on and that is to airbrush you out of her future with your ds. I would bet that her extended family consists of her mother's relations and not her father's. I know someone like this and she's behaved very similarly to your dil. After I met her mother, I then understood why she behaved the way she did.

Good luck to you Op

kittybiscuits · 10/04/2017 20:17

I think you sound really lovely Penny. You sound very calm and measured. It must be so hurtful to you. The engagement party was despicable and set the course. Your son's minimising of it was really poor.

Voiceforreason · 10/04/2017 20:25

I have experience of exactly the same situation except mine has moved on. Be very careful. This may be a case of possessiveness. It was in our case.

After marriage our ds was slowly separated from the family so eventually he was unable to communicate with his siblings and hardly with us. If he did he was accused of disloyalty and threatened thst he would lose his children. Ten years and 3 children later the marriage ended leaving him battered and bruised by emotional abuse. Then the legal battle to see his children followed. Speak to ds in confidence about your fears. I wish I had done so earlier instead of wasting years wondering what we had done wrong!

Voiceforreason · 10/04/2017 20:29

ChocolateSherberts2017
How right you are! Spot on!

Sweets101 · 10/04/2017 20:34

Tell your son to stop calling in and look after his wife.
She's a woman not a kitten!

Goldmandra · 10/04/2017 20:42

Op I have 4 Ds's and they all have OH's, I honestly think that if one of their partners showed any dislike of either myself or DH they would be binned off. In fact one of the ds's had a girlfriend once who said she didn't like his brother, she didn't last long.
Your Ds is facilitating this and his loyalty and love is with her.

You are very lucky to have such a poor understanding of the power a domestic abuser can wield.

ginger1976 · 10/04/2017 20:45

I would reply with please don't insult my intelligence by saying you didn't see me, however when you are ready to start a relationship between us, l am here.

ByeByeBadman · 10/04/2017 20:49

I think you're right not to respond by text. Nothing good comes from texting in this situation.

What does your dh think/ do?

Want2bSupermum · 10/04/2017 20:49

It is your DS who is the problem. I agree with others who say to reply to him and sort it out with him. The future DIL is a grade a bitch. Nothing will change that for as long as he continues being in a relationship with her.

Invite him around and explain how you are disappointed in him for not speaking up regarding her behaviour and that her reply was a complete lie because a senior manager made a comment to you about her ignoring you. I am sure you didn't raise your son to behave to others this way. I would tell him straight that he is always welcome, as is she, but this poor behaviour has to be resolved.

Whileweareonthesubject · 10/04/2017 20:55

Tell your son to stop calling in and look after his wife.

Why should he stop calling in? OP has already said it's not every week and not for long when he does pop in. It sounds as though this is pretty much the only time op sees her ds as clearly dil doesn't like to be in her ils company.
We've had a lot of problems over the years, with MIL, but there's no way I'd ever stop dh seeing her - the more often he sees her without me, the less often I need to go. Actually, over the years I've learned to tolerate her and even feel some sympathy for her - she's managed to isolate herself from all her friends and now that her favourite gc are adults, she's no longer in demand for free childcare. The difference is, both dh and I could give chapter and verse about the things she's done (and Dh has told her) whereas Op has no idea. At least if she knew, she'd have a chance to either change or even deny any allegations - her dil is playing a clever game, by not saying what the problem is, she makes sure that OP has no chance whatsoever of sorting this out.

I thank my lucky stars that my sons' partners do not treat us like this.

TheCraicDealer · 10/04/2017 20:56

Precisely Goldmandra, and yet some posters are suggesting the OP turns away her son at the door because he calls in a few times a week Hmm If you think someone is in an abusive relationship or that the relationship could turn that way, you don't shut them out. OP's future DIL's tactics seem to be stonewalling people, aggression and manipulation even in front of her own boss. If she's like that with OP now, what is she like to her future husband behind closed doors? What about in ten years time? Or with the kids, if they have them? The last thing I would be doing in that scenario would be shutting off potential avenues for support should he decide he wants it in the future.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2017 20:59

I think you should ask your son some questions:

  • Do you think you will have children once you are married?
  • Are we going to be allowed to have a relationship with your children?

Yes, I would be that blunt. Your son needs to acknowledge that there is a problem.