Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 18 19

Original poster

my 12 year old DD and unwanted male attention

452 replies

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 14:51

I've posted before about my DD getting unwanted attention form adult men. She's 12, she's developing but doesn't wear make up or skimpy clothes. She doesn't look particularly older than she is.

Today we're down by the riverside having a picnic. She's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We were sat reading and other people are around. A bloke, in his 40's I'd say, and 2 younger kids come and sit near us. The bloke immediately starts leering at my daughter. He sees me watching him look at her, I give him the Paddington bear hard stare. The kids he is with are messing about by the water and he's sorting them out with sun cream etc. He keeps looking over at my DD then at me, he knows I'm watching him.

After about 20 mins or so they gather their stuff to leave, he still keeps glancing at my daughter then at me. DD is oblivious to this, lost in her book. As they walk off I continue watching him, and he keeps turning round to look at my DD. Then, just before they disappear round the corner he turns to me and sticks his two fingers up at me!

Part of me was amused at his cheek but another part of me was furious. He was clearly letching at her and knew I'd clocked it, then he does that! What goes on in some men's head ffs???

OP posts:

DameDeDoubtance · 10/04/2017 17:07

crisp - people don't like it when you name the problem. we are all supposed to put up and shut up, get treated unfairly because of our sex but don't complain. Women are always told that they are lying about stuff, making things up.

People who come onto a thread where women are discussing their and their daughters negative experiences and accuse them of fibbing should be bloody ashamed of themselves. They are part of the problem, they enable this to happen unchallenged.

anametiuse · 10/04/2017 17:07

How odd that people are questioning this? Why are you trying so hard to prove OP was wrong? I know it's unsettling that these things happen but they do - ALL the time.

Seriously, it happened to me all the time between the ages of 10-15. And it wasn't just leering (which you say can be misinterpreted - I'm not sure about that actually but will give the benefit of the doubt) men (grown men!) would ask for my number, ask what my boyfriend liked to do with me sexually (I was a virgin until 22) would make sexual comments or cat call. These weren't situations that could be misinterpreted. I was no super developed supermodel. I was a pretty but not above average child/teenager.
It happened at least weekly, and in all corners of the county and world (I stopped wearing shorts on holidays to stop the harassment - one market trader once yelled asking if he could "eat (my) pussy" - i was 12 and holding my dads hand at the time.

iT HAPPENS. Fuck me, no wonder victims of sexual abuse don't report. Whatever happened to 'we believe you'.

DameDeDoubtance · 10/04/2017 17:10

Kirora, please listen to people. Jeez, I hope some people never end up on a jury where they are listening to evidence given by a woman,they obviously struggle to believe facts if they are stated by females.

NinonDeLenclos · 10/04/2017 17:27

Who are these women who never got hassled from 12 onwards? Did they grow up on a far mountain?

notanothernamechangebabes · 10/04/2017 17:35

I believe you OP.

I know how many times I was letched over, kerb crawled, groped, leered at and flashed at by older men, between the ages of 11 and 16. I suspect when I was much younger "something" happened with an old male family friend that I can't quite remember too, sadly.

I know how terrifying the stuff I CAN remember was. I know how it was the same for almost all of my female friends in secondary school. I have vague recollections that my mother did nothing to counteract the attention I got from these disgusting old perverts. How fucked up is that?

And I'm horrified to say that this is all part of the reason I'm relieved I had a baby boy last year. Sad, isn't it. Heartbreaking.

But I'm glad your daughter has you in her corner.

Deidre21 · 10/04/2017 17:36

Fair weather123 that's good advice.
Disgusting that some men behave that way even with probably his own children with him. Gross!

TitaniasCloset · 10/04/2017 17:38

kirora yes, multiple times. My friends daughter especually used to get this a lot. Why are you so reluctant to believe that?

I too hope to God none of you are ever on a jury for a sexual assault case.

TitaniasCloset · 10/04/2017 17:42

Think of it this way, there is now so much child porn the police have given up on it. Someone out there is watching this stuff. Older men do often check out young girls and try it on with them. They feel entitled to, and as this thread shows the victims are often ignored disbelieved or blamed.

pollymere · 10/04/2017 17:42

I would have asked him if he liked staring at twelve year olds, and that he should seek help. No one has the right to leer at anybody, irrespective of age or gender.

aquashiv · 10/04/2017 17:44

I'm not sure being amused at his cheek would be some thing I can identify with if I thought a guy was learing at my child.
Why didn't you just ask him why he was staring at her. .maybe he knew her or she reminded him of someone.

Strongmummy · 10/04/2017 17:45

Unless you feel in danger , I strongly believe women should call men out on this behaviour. Your daughter also needs to know asap what men can be like and how to handle herself in these situations.

Original poster

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 17:52

Aquash the amusement was at his brass neck at putting two fingers up at me when he was clearly behaving in a dodgy way. Not funny ha ha amused. Wrong choice of word perhaps. Mostly I was furious.

As I've said earlier, I didn't say anything to him as my DD was unaware and I didn't want to make her feel embarrassed. I made him aware that I was keeping an eye on him without my DD knowing.

OP posts:

TitaniasCloset · 10/04/2017 18:00

I think you did exactly the right thing op, based on his reaction if you had said something he could have got nasty, no point upsetting your did when its not going ti change his behavior anyway. Better that she sat there innocent and enjoying her book.

Have you discussed this with your dh? I find that normal men are often completely unaware that this happens because its so outside of how they would behave. Like the pp who's dad advised her to take it as a complement until he saw it for his own eyes.

jayne1976 · 10/04/2017 18:01

Disgusting, learning is always disgusting / even worse when clearly a minor - and to have the nerve to stick his fingers up at you, as you knew his dirty little thoughts about your daughter is even worse! I agree though you couldn't make your daughter aware.
refreshing to hear your twelve year old has no ideals to make herself look 16 - face full of makeup, long before it's needed.

bbismad · 10/04/2017 18:16

Sounds like a leering pervert to me. I have a 13 year old daughter who is very obviously a child...I just don't want to think about how I'd react if that happened when I was there. Our society is fked up...grown men leering at little girls, it's disgusting. I'm constantly shocked by the way some men, and women, behave. You have my sympathy.

mumeemoo · 10/04/2017 18:22

I have had this with my dd from when she was 12 (now nearly 14). last summer we were walking along the street past some builders. She was wearing jeans and a normal top, neither tight nor revealing. She hadn't seen them but I had clocked them stopping work to leer as we walked past. I just said very loudly as we walked past "but darling you are only 12 years old". They very quickly returned to work very shame faced. Dd was a bit surprised about my random comment.

Sadly she is now much more aware and will be on the look out for what she and her friends call "shady men" who make them feel uncomfortable. It makes me sad there are some things that never change.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/04/2017 18:25

Many pre-teen and older girls do suffer from this leering and leching
A pity that some ignorant men can't keep their 'minds' out of their trousers.
So many parents have felt shock the first time they've become aware that their young DD was being ogled by some random with little in his 'mind' except his miserable sexual fantasies.

caramac04 · 10/04/2017 18:29

Difficult to explain context but I was in the grounds of local authority building working with 15 yr old girl, attractive, could have looked slightly older. Workmen pulled up in car park alongside fence and bloke (28 ish) began leering. Hard stare didn't work. I approached the van holding mobile as if to take pic and loudly informed him that 'this is a school. Why are you staring at a school child?' Etc until they hurriedly drove off. Taking a photo works brilliantly (even though I didn't know how to use the camera function on the work phone )

rockcake · 10/04/2017 18:34

To PPs who say they would've confronted this guy or called him a paedophile to his face etc.... would you really? With his kids, and yours in earshot? Think the Paddington bear stare is better, moving self to shield daughter from view, if poss, or removing all of you to somewhere else entirely are best options.
Men like this are truly gross, but their kids aren't to blame and don't deserve to be embarrassed.
I'd also be a bit wary of confronting a bloke who's clearly no gentleman without back up.

IAmAmy · 10/04/2017 18:38

Many pre-teen and older girls do suffer from this leering and leching

Very much so. I was first aware of it at 14 and when my friends and I had a discussion about it the first time for most of us was around 13/14. It's abhorrent.

There was also an article by Radhika Sanghani in the Telegraph some time ago which showed how commonplace not only the ogling and harassment is, but also whole social media accounts dedicated to taking photographs of women in public and sharing them without their consent, including young girls: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10987816/Creep-shot-Twitter-trend-how-creeps-just-got-creepier.html?fb

Iadmititimnotsuperwoman · 10/04/2017 18:40

This kind of behaviour needs to be confronted head on! Think about what could've happened had she beem on her own?! And also, i know why you said it (presumably sth about DD maybe looking older/"suggestive") but it doesn't matter what the feck she's wearing - he's a pervert!

Saggingninja · 10/04/2017 18:40

Tinklylittlelaugh

If they confront you about the poster you tell them that their leching at your daughter was making you uneasy and you are intending to go the local police station to check out whether they are a paedophile or not.

Should be a deterrent if nothing else.

I agree with you Tinkly.

My DD is thirteen and a few weeks ago I was sitting on the upper deck bus behind her. She was in her school uniform. A man in his 40s sat next to her, moving close in a deliberately provocative way (there was plenty of room) and asked her: 'Do you have a boyfriend because you're very sexy.'

I tapped him on the shoulder, took a picture and said: 'No she doesn't because my daughter is thirteen years old you effing paedophile.' He called me a cunt, and left, but luckily a few other people muttered 'shame on you' in a very British way. The point is I took a photo and went to the police and reported him, on the grounds that if he does this to my daughter, then I would lay money on him making a habit of it.

Don't mean to hijack. Sorry.

kazmina10 · 10/04/2017 18:42

DD should be able to wear what she wants. Otherwise we are teaching our daughters to dress to please or displease men. Not on imo. Because if she had a skimpy top on would she be "asking for it" ?? No!!!

IAmAmy · 10/04/2017 18:48

This is similar to the first time it happened to me. A man of a similar age, well dressed in a suit (not that clothing matters, just to show it's not a particular stereotype of men who do this), whilst I was walking to school in school uniform, tapped me on the shoulder and told me I'd "tempt many boys" that day.

Bottlesoflove · 10/04/2017 18:52

I remember walking along a busy road in summer with my friend and almost every other car either beeped or slowed right down staring at us. We must have been no older than 14, if not even younger. Is so bloody intimidating. Some men are disgusting.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 18 19