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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my 12 year old DD and unwanted male attention

452 replies

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 09/04/2017 14:51

I've posted before about my DD getting unwanted attention form adult men. She's 12, she's developing but doesn't wear make up or skimpy clothes. She doesn't look particularly older than she is.

Today we're down by the riverside having a picnic. She's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We were sat reading and other people are around. A bloke, in his 40's I'd say, and 2 younger kids come and sit near us. The bloke immediately starts leering at my daughter. He sees me watching him look at her, I give him the Paddington bear hard stare. The kids he is with are messing about by the water and he's sorting them out with sun cream etc. He keeps looking over at my DD then at me, he knows I'm watching him.

After about 20 mins or so they gather their stuff to leave, he still keeps glancing at my daughter then at me. DD is oblivious to this, lost in her book. As they walk off I continue watching him, and he keeps turning round to look at my DD. Then, just before they disappear round the corner he turns to me and sticks his two fingers up at me!

Part of me was amused at his cheek but another part of me was furious. He was clearly letching at her and knew I'd clocked it, then he does that! What goes on in some men's head ffs???

OP posts:
mugglebumthesecond · 10/04/2017 13:54

Yep.

Sorry but this is to protect both genders.

bruffin · 10/04/2017 14:08

Maybe this actually says more about those who automatically think leering rather than the supposed leerer.
I was once accused of staring at someone in a wheelchair. I was pregnant at the time, 22 years ago so before mobiles and was waiting at a supermarket for dh, who was very late. I was staring out the door looking for him. I got a barrage of abuse for staring at a women in a wheelchair by her carer.
It is very easy to get others intentions wrong, and Ops story really doesnt make any sense whatsoever. I suspect he was wondering why she was staring at him.

Daringdaschund · 10/04/2017 14:09

">People are using the existence of paedophiles as proof of this man's intentions and ignoring the fact that most men aren't paedophiles."

Therealpootroll Of course looks can be misinterpreted and most men are not paedophiles (thankfully) but why are you so ready to disbelieve, rationalise and dismiss the experience of the op and the very many individual and specific experiences that posters have recounted here of men behaving inappropriately towards their teen daughters and relatives?

I could be wrong but it seems as if you are assuming we are all paranoid for no reason, or all men-haters, which is just as bad!

Kiroro · 10/04/2017 14:42

If you find that men are regularly leering at your 12 year old daughter, you are either super unlucky... or the kind of person who reads mal-intent into everything. I just find it hard to believe TBH.

Like... one of my friends has never rented from a decent landlord and has fallen out with all of them. Likewise, he has fallen out with all of his bosses. He also has run ins with 'dodgy people' all the time. Common denominator...

TitaniasCloset · 10/04/2017 14:57

So we are all lying kiroro? Two thirds of the people on here are just lying for some unknown reason? Perhaps you are the one with the issue if you are finding this so impossible to believe. Why is that?

Owllady · 10/04/2017 15:04

I knew someone at some point would mention disability. People do stare at those with disabilities, so maybe the carer had just had a gut full that day.

My dd has a disability and we went out yesterday and she was stared at ALOT. My daughter is a feisty young woman though so stared people out Blush

Staring is rude anyway, whatever anyone's intention but I agree it's unfair to suggest women and mothers are being hysterical when it is actually a problem.

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 15:08

Bruffin in what sense does my story not make any sense whatsoever?

Also, you and all the other disbelievers who are suggesting I misinterpreted the man's behaviour, does that mean all the other women who have posted here with similar experiences are lying?

Please do expand on your theory, I'm interested to know how you came to your conclusions.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorset · 10/04/2017 15:10

Poo troll are you for real??
Can you honestly say that a man in his 40s with children and probably a wife, is thinking about which clothing to buy his 12 year old niece?
I seriously doubt it. I know lots of men with nieces and I don't know any who would ever consider buying clothing got a 12+ niece.
Their wives do present buying and if a man is ever onv dd he would never attempt buying clothes for a girl this age.
Why are you defending men like this. Do you think everyone on this thread is lying when they tell you they have had unwelcome attention from older men when they were children.
It's gross and disgusting.
I wonder how you would feel if I were to say to your 11 year old son ' do you want to look at my tits?'
Or show me your cock k bet you've got a smasher tucked down there.'

We all need to start calling men on thus behaviour.

TheRealPooTroll · 10/04/2017 15:22

Why would a man be more likely to be a paedophile than thinking about a gift for his niece? Or any of the hundreds of other more plausible explanations?
I have no idea of this mans intentions but all he has done is look at a girl and her mother a few times and he is now a paedophile?
And I'm not sure what thread you've been reading but I haven't made any comment about others experiences. I am well aware that older men can sexually harass teens and have also experienced it myself as a teen. That doesn't mean I think every man who looks at my kids is a predator.
This thread just has a bit of paedo panic about it for me. And is just generally odd. If I genuinely thought one of my kids was being eyed-up by a predator I wouldn't be 'partly amused at his cheek' as the op said or giving dirty looks. I'd be shaken, angry and getting the hell out of there.

TheRealPooTroll · 10/04/2017 15:26

Oh and sorry since wives do the present buying obviously he wouldn't be thinking of buying the outfit/book for a relative Hmm
Or he could be a single a single dad or a man with a wife who is also capable of independently buying things from shops.

ApocalypseNowt · 10/04/2017 15:30

Why would a man be more likely to be a paedophile than thinking about a gift for his niece?

Because if he was thinking about a gift for his niece he would presumably be a decent sort who, when they clocked OP getting increasingly uncomfortable, would look away or move. And they wouldn't have flicked the v's at her either.

I'd be shaken, angry and getting the hell out of there. I'd like to think I'd say something but what I think I'd do in any given situation and what I'd actually do (especially if stressed, worried or scared) are probably very different.

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 15:44

Pootroll why do you think the thread is 'odd'? It seems, from other posters, that my experience with my daughter is quite a common occurrence.

OP posts:
Underbeneathsies · 10/04/2017 15:57

I whip out my phone and take photo of them. And give them the death stare.

I have a 12 yo DD and she's leered at a lot, as was I.
I know a sexual predator leer from an interested /curious look.

A stare doesn't always have to be pedo predatorial leer, but it's hostile none the less.
A squint with a lazy eye is something else altogether.

Take a picture, you can use it for the photo fit / line up, if it (hopefully never) comes to that. Facial recognition software is amazing now and will be able to identify him.

My dcs do martial arts. I have given them permission to be rude if they're uncomfortable, to defend themselves with extreme prejudice, and to shout loudly if needs be.

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 16:04

Pootroll, Bruffin, I'm genuinely interested in how you've come to your conclusions. Can you explain please?

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 10/04/2017 16:06

I remember being leered at from the age of about 13 and men always beeping their horns at me etc. It's revolting and it does happen a lot it seems.

lottieandmia · 10/04/2017 16:06

I agree - I would have said to him 'can I help you?!'

Kiroro · 10/04/2017 16:07

@TitaniasCloset

Not lying, but does it really really happen on multiple occasions that people are leering at your pre-pubescent daughters? Really? Not like, once, but multiple times?

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 16:14

Kiroro it has happened many times since she was 8 or 9. As it has happened a lot to other posters on this thread. The last significant episode I remember, before yesterday was on holiday last year. A waiter in his 20's couldn't take his eyes off her, she'd turned 12 the day before. She looks 12, she does not look or act any older than her age, in fact if anything she's quite young for her age and the youngest in her year at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 16:22

No actually the last time was in a pub having a family meal last November. She went to the bar to buy herself a soft drink and a bloke stood at the bar, again in his 40's, was practically licking his lips at her and kept looking her up and down. She was aware of it and felt very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 10/04/2017 16:24

How horrible Sad

BonnyScotland · 10/04/2017 16:39

This is sounds rather incredible Mum.... and must be awful going over the door .. how do you cope ?

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 16:49

Bonny I think you'll find, if you read the full thread, that this is not uncommon. So actually very credible. Unless of course the other posters are lying, just as you seem to suggesting I am.

OP posts:
AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 10/04/2017 16:52

kiroro yes it really really happens and yes multiple times.

Like I said way upthread I can think of about 20 times older men had made inappropriate/sexual comments to me or asked for my phone number whilst I was between the age of 13-16 and that's not including all the many many times I have been leered/winked/whistled/beeped at during those ages too.

This thread is full of examples like mine, why won't you believe any of them?

Original poster
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 10/04/2017 16:57

Thanks Alice, I really don't know why so many people have to resort to accusing us of lying or exaggerating when there are so many similar experiences posted on this thread. I guess some people are a bit stuck in their thinking and refuse to believe the facts despite being told over and over.

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 10/04/2017 17:03

So do you think we are all lying Bonny, all of us? Making up our own experiences and what's happening to our daughters?